Yammer Time

As I wind down at the end of the evening, I start to ponder what to post. Tonight I have nuthin.

Nothing funny, enlightening, insightful or even downright stupid. And usually I can at least come up with stupid. Guess I could just whine. It's part of the blog's name after all.

I'm tired.

I have a red swollen spot on my face where a bug hit me while I was biking. It's unreal how many bugs there are this year. You have to wear full armour when biking and make sure you keep your mouth closed or get a steady diet of insect. Now I have some idea of what a windsheild must feel like in the summer. And don't even talk to me about the mosquitoes, those little effers. A few wandered in here and they are DEAD MEAT before I go to sleep tonight!

Someone tried to steal my bike seat. They were unsuccessful but got the clamp, so my bike seat was stuck in the lowest position possible for 3 days. I rode around either with my knees at my ears or standing up the whole time. It was kind of cool though, I felt a bit like a BMX rider. Uh, that is, without the skillz. Dammit. Finally took my bike in to get the cables tightened and the guy replaced my clamp too. Those boys at Pedalhead are so nice and so cute, I'm thinking something else is going to go wrong on my bike real soon........ What. C'mon, he said to come in if I had any other problems...........

Alright, that's enough yammering on for now. I'm out.


Geez, I keep hearing a high pitched buzzing near my ear. That's it!!! I'm gonna get you, you little F*%#&R!!!!!

Uh yeah, bye.

I ain't no Einstein...

I was looking through scientific journal articles today and noticed an author's name: Einstein.

I'd think that having the name Einstein would give you an unfair advantage in research. People would be handing you scholarships and grants and publishing your studies because they'd just assume that you're freakishly smart. Kind of like how when you see someone that looks like Bill Gates, intelligence is probably your first perception.

When people look at me I don't think 'smart' is the first thing that comes to mind. And then I open my mouth or do something ridiculous and remove any doubt that they probably weren't even having in the first place. From then on in it's an uphill battle to prove I have at least a smidgeon of a brain and know how to use it.

I wonder what my supervisor was thinking on that fateful day when he encouraged me to do graduate studies. Mind you, most of his first impression of me was most likely based on reading my lab notes and research papers. Now, I ain't no Einstein but I sure gots me some mad writin' skillz... Um, I think?

Belligerent but brief blabby blurb

Why do people talk to themselves? Can't they hear what's in their own head? That would be like yelling at the person next to you for no good reason.

And while I'm pondering the non-sensical... Why are soft drinks called SOFT drinks? Those bubbles aren't soft, they're actually kind of ouchy on the tongue! Hmm.

And why can't we fully delineate the pathogenesis of the metabolic syndrome and the dietary and genetic factors that clearly interact in its development and progression?

Ah, if I knew the answer to that question then I'd have an easier time presenting this article at journal club tomorrow.

I just wanna go to bed already! Instead, I'm trying to say "belligerent but brief blabby blurb" out loud... In a sense, I'm talking to myself.

One question down, two more to go. I'll get to bed yet dammit!

Relationship Haikus

These are a few words about my past romantic relationships, summed up chronologically in Haiku. Not sure why I did this little writing exercise, but it was kind of fun. If you were an ex (of sorts) of mine, I wonder if you'd be able to guess which one you were?

Anyways, enjoy the carnage.


Older by nine years
Cute and so very funny
I wasn’t ready

He a short redhead
Me so completely naïve
What a total jerk

My brain still scrambled
His intentions wonderful
Nice guys finish last

Odd but so sexy
He broke down the walls swiftly
And then broke my trust

He was the cat’s ass
Impeccable in all ways
Well, maybe not all

He was persistent
And many great times followed
Then too much distance

He was everything
The previous one was not
He cracks me up still

Gentle eyes met mine
Incredible chemistry
He wasn’t ready

Drawn in by his charm
Intrigued by his heart and mind
Then it killed the cat

Highway Robbery

This is unreal...

Mango and the Jackass

My friend Kim works on the set of Christmas in Wonderland and is a long time fan of Garner's morning show on Sonic... So she hinted and HINTED that Chris Kattan and Preston Lacy should do an interview with him, which will be airing tomorrow morning on Sonic! Good work Kim!!! Kattan actually gives Kim a shout out during the interview...

Not sure if you saw Garner Andrew's blog yet, but he's posted some pictures. Hilarious.

I met Preston Lacy when I went down to the set to visit Kim one day. He seems really nice for a total Jackass. Wow it felt great to call someone a jackass, that is with it 1) being completely true and 2) not offending him... However, I didn't exactly "meet" Chris Kattan. First he yelled at me to get the hell out of his van. Then after I left he asked Kim, "Where did your stupid friend go?" And some other stuff. That I will not repeat. Haha. Hah.......... ha heh

Through Kim I've been able to meet quite a few celebrities over the years. It's not a huge deal to me, except when she had HEATH LEDGER CALL ME!!! Ok, that was kind of neat heeheehee. I'm getting all giddy just thinking about it. Ahem. Down hormones down! I wish she would've warned me first, that's all.

Last time Kim was in Edmonton, she worked on that movie with Neil Patrick Harris in it. I guess Kim was telling Doogie (sorry, I have to call him that still) about how her girlfriend (me, I'm NOT her girlfriend in a girlfriendy way, just a friendy way, but that's how she always uses the term) and her spent a whole day on the couch watching a whole season of Six Feet Under episodes and totally cried our eyes out (aww c'mon, it was Season 3, some SAD SHIT happens in that season... although we do tend to be movie-weepers by nature). Anyways, Doogie pipes in and mentions something about him and his boyfriend... This was BEFORE the cat was out of the bag in the media about his sexual orientation! She couldn't exactly correct him about her and me after he'd just outted himself to her! After that, she was forever a lesbo in his eyes and apparently outting her to plenty of people... On the other hand, she had to zippit about his true gayness or be fired. Basically.

Anyways, just tune in to Sonic tomorrow morning. DO IT.

The Killers Killed It!

So my idea for smuggling in the camera didn't work. It's just too darn bulky and the security guy was sooooo smart! I brought the decoy camera, which he noticed, but then he asked what was in the back compartment of my purse...

Uh oh.

No one's ever noticed the back compartment before! But luckily for me, at this show they just said no professional cameras and he let me bring it in! Yay! And he knew what a "professional" camera looks like, unlike security at that hockey game a while back. I only took a few photos, but they worked out very well :)

And the Killers killed. It was a great show.

No video up yet though (Dad, I know you'll be disappointed over that).

ps. If you're ever on a date and she loves live music, getting floor tickets is the way to go. She's going to think you seem young at heart, adventurous and brave, and you're going to get in a lot of Night at the Roxbury style body contact ;)

Gone limp

Looks like my candles could use a little viagra.

YOU SUCK!

The odd time I get the urge to send an email to certain people saying:

YOU SUCK!

But then I don't, thank goodness.

The urge is, nonetheless, still there.

Don't run unless you're being chased and other random thoughts for the day...

As I was sitting in the bakery today, it occurred to me that one major problem with running is that there is no destination. With biking, you can call up a friend and say, "Hey, you wanna bike to the bakery or to the ice cream shop?" It provides two things- motivation AND a destination. Ahem, then you wonder why your waistline still expands in spite of all that exercise...

In the past some people have inferred that I'm too picky when it comes to men. Um, if someone says they don't like maple walnut ice cream, would you tell them they're too picky? Yeah I thought not. It's simply a matter of taste.

A friend of mine told me the other day that he got a million dollar idea-- a book called "The Tao of Dating." I asked if he actually knew enough about dating to give advice on it and he admitted he'd probably have to get someone else to write it. Uh huh. Then he found out by searching the net that someone had already thought of it. Bummer. He must feel like a cool mill just got suddenly and violently snatched right out of the palm of his hands...

I went out for dinner recently and my date picked the place. When I pointed out that it was very expensive, he said "Don't worry about it, it's my treat." It was a treat alright, wow $$$! So now I can't break it off for at least another 2 dates. Geez. Or maybe one if I pay this time, enabling me to unpack from this guilt trip I've sent myself on...

So when does a boy become a boyfriend? In other words, at what point does your bedroom boyfriend become your social boyfriend? And why is that conversation so difficult to have?

Why is it that whenever people see a guy and girl together, they automatically assume they're a couple? I hang out with male friends a lot, but only date every once in a while. It probably looks terrible to the folks at my fave digs. I show up at a restaurant with 4 different guys in one month and the staff are probably thinking I really get around! Or that I have a more exciting life than I actually have. Uh, and that I have extremely varied taste in men.

Back to the running thing, someone once said, "Don't run unless you're being chased." Maybe that's the problem, I run too fast. There's no destination though. Oops.

Honesty is the best policy

I've always thought that being up front was the best way to be in my relationships with people. I'd rather have someone be honest with me that I have a hanger in my nose, my breath stinks or that I should go change into a pair of jeans that are a little less honest about showing the actual size of my rear end. However, when I turn the tables, I have trouble telling people these things. I try to live by the rule to treat people the way I wanted to be treated, but then I fall short here a little.

But c'mon, there's a limit to how honest you should be with someone. For instance, before a friend goes out for the evening, you probably shouldn't say, "Man, do you ever look rough. Have you been getting enough sleep lately?" At that point there's really nothing they can do about the situation and you'll just make them feel like a sizable pile of steaming doodoo. On the other hand, I can go change my jeans. Hopefully I can find a pair that look better though. If not, then it may be another half an hour of having a fit before I finally throw my hands up in the air and pour another glass of wine. So uh, good intentions are great and all, but a little judgment is needed there...

There are certain things that people tell me that just stick there in my head forever. For instance, I'd heard before that everyone has an ugly side (and I'm not talking about character-wise). I mean an ugly side of their face. Block half of your face and look in the mirror, and then block the other half and you may be able to determine which side is the fairer one and which one would turn the opposite sex to stone. Anyways, so I knew all this when I'm in the passenger side of a friend's truck and he turns to look at me. Then he cringes and says this: "Yeah, that's definitely your ugly side."

Ever since then, whenever I'm in a car with a guy, I'm the one cringing at the thought that he's looking at my quasi-motoish side the whole time. Geez, I'd really be in trouble by the end of a long road trip! Y'see, there's no way to shield my face like I can hide my butt with a long shirt or baggy pants or by just not walking away from them, ever. I can't exactly don a balaclava or a clown mask whilst riding in the passenger seat of my date's car...

This leaves me in a quandry. Do I insist on driving all the time? Perhaps I'll just have to turn and face him constantly while pointing out things for him to look at outside the car. Or maybe, just maybe, I could try have such a sparkling personality that he doesn't even notice :)

Music makes me happy

If only I could take photos like this one that Curt at better than crabs took at an illScarlett concert. I still love that song "Nothing Special" on illScarlett's myspace page. It turns a frown upside down EVERY time! Ah but, that's what music does for me. I was a bit cranky before My Chemical Romance the other night, but that didn't last long AT ALL.

Of course, I don't get a press pass to the shows I attend. And I get bopped around by the teenyboppers on the floor. Poor Jensies, I take her to these shows and we always have floor tickets and she's so small! I treated her to My Chemical Romance the other night, she tried to pay me for the tickets but I wouldn't have it. I hope she doesn't sue me for hearing loss when she's 50 though…

Another reason I can't get good photos at some concerts is because my camera gets confiscated like at the MCR show the other night!!! We were actually really close to the stage and it would have been awesome. My camera phone just doesn't cut it… ugh. In the past I was able to bury my bulky camera in the bottom of my bag and it went undetected by security. The guy was too wily this time. I thought about bolting into the arena when they weren't looking, but I figured that would get me a one-way ticket out of Rexall for the evening. And that just wouldn't work for me, so I gave it up. But I got the bestest idea EVER for the next concert. I'm going to bring a crappy camera in and place it in my bag on top of the good camera. When they find the crappy one, they'll stop looking and I'll surrender that one to security and walk merrily into the concert with my good camera! Snap!

By the way, don't start thinking I'm one of those annoying people that stands there filming the whole show. I just like to catch a few key moments for memory sake. Then I make a video that I can enjoy over and over again (like the one for Ok Go and Snow Patrol
J). Then Jen can watch it later and actually see what was happening on stage, haha.

Sometimes I spend my whole Saturday morning checking out new music I haven't heard before. These guys are coming to the Victory Lounge in a few days, check out their video here: The Reason – This is just the Beginning. Small venue, decent band, you can't go wrong…

I also can't believe I've never heard these guys before: Art of Dying – Get thru this. Not a bad song, not bad at all.

Ok, it's almost noon. Gotta get something done today!!!

I'm (not?) okay

I haven't posted at all this week. It's been busy, but that's not the whole story. I've been tired and distracted and crazy and stinky and tired. This is how it's been...


Rude awakenings: Up at the crack every day. Cats meowing or puking or fighting over me. My roomie's alarm. Or it's a sneezing fit. Yaaawn.

Caffeine malfunction: Not enough coffee to stay sufficiently conscious during the day. Consequently annoying myself and the people I work with. Then a large coffee in the evening. Forgot to order decaf. Dead tired but awake in bed.

Is it hot and stinky in here or is it just me: Damn it's hot outside... but it's way hotter inside. Office a balmy 29 degrees. My own armpits stinking me out. It's pretty bad when you can smell yourself, isn't it? Maybe the deodorant had melted off. Don't know if it was the heat, the tired or the stink, but I almost passed out. Several times.

Summer Lovin': Beer and patio and friends helped on hump day. People watching is happy making. Pretty boys too.

Technology technicalities: Computer flashes a blue screen. All the time. I'm not impressed. The warranty has run out. Its days are definitely numbered.

All good things must end: Twas the week of season finales... Lots of break ups. I hate break ups. Ugh.

Transportation situation, critical: Bike is tuned up but still sucks. Must take it back and chat with cute guy at the shop again. Well, there's that.

The Black Parade is over: My Chemical Romance rocked. Ears feel weird. Voice a little raspy. I'm a little tired.



But I'm okay.

I can see your underwear, part deux.

I s'pose I talk about underwear quite a bit (i.e. I can see your underwear (part one), In appreciation of Aussies). But I mustn't write about it that much because I haven't made an underwear 'label' for my posts. I still could, but I'm feeling blog-lazy at the moment... After all, it's summer- MUST GET OUTSIDE!

Speaking of getting outside, I was on a patio scarfing down some honey brown on the weekend and doing the usual people-watching. Lately I've been paying a lot of attention to jeans on men and what I call the phenomenon of fit. How low/high should they go? I think you can generally tell a guy's age by how high (and tight) his jeans ride. If his pants are too short in the leg because he's cranked them up to his ribcage, revealing a hint of a moose knuckle in the process, then he's probably over 40 and very proud of the moose knuckle to boot! If his pants are low-riding so that both butt cheeks are riding above the belt, then he's probably under 20... The exception for the young guy is if he's a computer nerd or geeky grad student, he'll still have those pants cranked up regardless of age. The exception for the older guy is if he's got a big belly because the paunch physically prevents the normal natural upward movement of the jeans.

Something I hadn't seen before was a young guy who had underwear that looked like jeans. At first glance, using my theory, you may have guessed him at about 30 years old. But oh no, if you examine the photo you'll see his actual jeans are dark and riding at about the 20 year old level!

Yes, a very tricky situation indeed... Translation: Michie stay away, no pouncing this one you little cougar cub!!! Wait a minute, did I just talk to myself there? And further to that, did I do it in the third person? Oh Lord, time to wrap this thing up...

As an aside, Nate's shirt kills me (on the right side of the top photo)... It says, "I have the body of a God" with a picture of Buddha.

Prairie Chickens in the heat of mating season

Ah spring is here... This seems to bring on strange behaviour on the part of men. Males can become very vocal, trying to get females' attention by whistling and shouting at them. Like publicity, not all attention is good attention...

In fact, their behaviour at the bar lately is not unlike that of Prairie Chickens in the heat of mating season.

According to About.com, "male Prairie Chickens meet in a clearing, called a lek, where they raise the feathers on their neck and head to resemble ears, fan their tails, drop their wings to the ground and parade around. They fill air sacs located on either side of their head, then force out the air, producing booming love songs, while they strut around for the ladies' benefit and approval."

In the case of humans, a "lek" might as well be the local watering hole. In the springtime the males pop their collars, work their hair, puff up their chests and parade around. Then they fill an air sac in the middle of their heads (called their mouth) with hot air and force it out producing tacky pickup lines and try-hard self proclamations and strut to the bar to buy the ladies' drinks in an attempt to gain their approval (and phone number).

Like viewing birds' mating rituals on the telly, it's all very interesting to watch.

The things chicks talk about...

Or at least these chicks... Perhaps Jen and I aren't normal though?


Her: schniekies... how am i supposed to work with all that sun going on outside!
Me: yeah beats me
Her: all those patios will just be sitting there ...


Me: yeah, so i got stood up... it's alright, i only cried for about an hour
Her: oh come on! there were no definite plans!
Me: hahahaha i know... but i still cried... my hopes were dashed
Her: lol jeez... can i treat you to gelato? will that shut you up? i mean ... make you happy?
Me: hahahaha oh man, this guilt trip thing works like a charm, i get free gelato!!!!!!
Her: haha tricky monkey


Her: oogaq
Me: kakoo
Her: oooh nice one


Her: it's still a wee bit chilly but that's kinda nice in the morning... so i don't start the day all sweaty haha ... and i wonder why i don't get asked out more :P
Me: um, cuz it's mostly chicks in our dept? hahaha
Her: hmmm good call
Me: i'm sure they think you're cute, but i think most aren't into the old MD
Her: old MD?
Me: muff dive
Her: :k
that was supposed to be this :l
and AHHHHHHHHHH
Me: haha
Her: you know it's awfully early in the morning for this... i didn't even have coffee yet
guh


Her: haha i'm just reading your blog... i heard about that Sheryl Crow thing
and i agree - maybe she only poos a little or something
Me: deer turds? or maybe a consistently clean break
Her: lol how much fiber woudl you have to have for that though ewwww
hey Dempster's has this new bread with 4g of fiber per slice and prebiotic fiber in it!!
i went to save-on after dropping you off last night … seriously i was SO excited about this bread it was embarrassing- i was almost ready to talk about it with other people in the store & share my joy


Me: ok, the way i see it, there are a couple of options
1) The One 2) Go to a movie 3) Rent movies 4) The Dog 5) Suede 6) Pick our noses at home alone 7) Play "You don't know Jack"
rank those in order most want to do, to least
Her: ooo pick noses! our own or each others ...
Me: hahahahaha don't you know?
you can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friend's nose
Her: ewwww thank goodness!


Me: i've had to pee for the last hour
Her: lol what the
Me: maybe it's aggravating the headache situation
Her: you're not going because?
Me: my life is so fun i can't even take a break
Her: lol what are you doing
LOL oh man that's so funny "my life is so fun i can't even take a pee break" that should be on a shirt
Me: was watching tube, then posted, now I was gonna send an email out to ppl and chatting with you
haha, that's how i feel sometimes... like why wouldn't i just go pee? i went to go ona commercial, but i had better things to do
Her: wow you lead an intense life
Me: indeed, but this pressure in my head is going to make it explode... so i'm gonna go pee, brb
Her: haha k
Me: ok i just took an advil too
Her: finally!
Me: hopefully peeing + advil helps
Her: how did you figure wine would help?
Me: oh haha, i didn't... that was just all the stuff i did tonight
i tried to make it sound like i did it to get rid of the headache... gluttony doesn't get rid of headaches, we all know that
Her: haha sex does so i've heard
Me: yeah i heard that too... maybe masturbating does then... brb
Her: LOL well played
Me: hehehehe


Me: GOOD LORD I WANNA EAT!!!!!!
Her: lol oh my... what do you want to eat
Me: haha and i'm not pmsing
Her: haha
Me: it started when i was pmsing... i should be over it
Her: i don't think pmsing has anything to do with it
Me: i just wanna eat man... i mean comma man, not actually eat a man
Her: i would think not... they're so hairy, to begin with
Me: i know, and i hate hair in my food

My Mama

Ok, so this is my submission for the Yo Mama contest (I already emailed them in, so keep your grimy paws off'em!!!):

You mama is so scary, she makes mimes scream!

Yo mama is so scary, she's ruined the livelihood of thousands of mimes!

Yo mama is so scary, even Stephen King has nightmares about her!

Yo mama is so hairy, she has to get a her hair done at the pet groomers!

Yo mama is so hairy, she has to stay out of the forest during hunting season!

Yo mama is so big and hairy, she's listed in Wikipedia under "Wookiee"!

Yo mama is so big and hairy, she starred in both "Star Wars" and"Sasquatch, The Legend of Bigfoot"!

Yo mama is such a freak, she's been thrown out of auditions for DeuceBigelow, Extreme Makeover and the Surreal Life!

Whatever, so I'm not as witty as Garner! I had to TRY! You see, I want to win the flowers and those shiny diamonds for my Mama, because she's the bestest mama in the whole entire world!

The Good, The Bad... and Yo Mama is Ugly!

So Sonic is having a Yo mama contest. The best Yo mama joke wins stuff each day this week. I've been straining my brain trying to think of something. I searched the net for inspiration. There were very few good ones.

Here are some I found quite funny:

Yo mama so ugly she joined an ugly contest and they said “Sorry, no professionals.”
Yo mama so nasty she made speed stick slow down and right guard turn left.
Yo mama so nasty she brings crabs to the beach.
Yo mama is so fat her picture weighs twenty pounds.


Ok, now here are some real bad ones. Seriously, they aren't even approaching funny!

Yo mama has so much hair on her upper lip, she braids it.
Yo mama so greasy she used bacon as a band-aid!
Yo mama so lazy she thinks a two-income family is where yo daddy has two jobs.
Yo mama so lazy she's got a remote control just to operate her remote!
Yo mama so lazy that she came in last place in a recent snail marathon.
Yo mama so fat her nickname is "Lardo"

Um yeah... nice one. Good Lord. I can do better than this! The one that won today was, "Yo mama is so fat she tripped over Whyte Ave and landed on Jasper!" Ok people, that's not original! The person just subbed Whyte Ave and Jasper in there.

C'mon brain, don't let me down here...

I got nuthin. Let me sleep on it.


P.S. Apparently there's a whole book on Yo mama jokes called Yo’ Mama Is So… I'm going to take a leap of faith and say that it's probably the most boring book IN HISTORY, that is if the jokes above are any indication! And get this, the author is Hugh Payne. I'd have to respond to that with "No, YOU'RE the pain buddy!" Seriously, is that a real name? Maybe he's married to Ima Payne. Ok, that was bad. And I wonder why I can't think up any good Yo mama jokes... Duh.

Oh man, all I keep hearing over and over in my head while writing this whole blog post is "Hugh Totalidiot!!!" If he's got a book out there, I'm not interested.

Ok, now I'm gonna sleep on it.


P.P.S. Check out Garner's Yo mama jokes here. Not bad Garner, not bad.

Sylvan Lake

Sylvan Lake is still frozen. Looks pretty neat right now.

Kids these days

I will be seeing my neice this week... I imagine this will be very informative as always.

The last time I saw her she pointed out that:

I stunk and needed a shower.
I had exactly 11 zits on my face.
I have hair up my nose.

Not exactly a newsflash there. When she was looking up my nose, I asked if she could see my brain. She said no and then proceeded to explain the physiology behind why you can't see the brain through the nostrils (wow kids learn a lot in elementary school these days). She may take over the "geek of the family" title sooner than I thought...

I also found out that she had a boyfriend, but they didn’t date because he was dating someone else. If that’s the case, then I told her I had several boyfriends... ;)

Oh yeah, she also pointed out that my bum showed every time I bent over in certain jeans and wondered if I was trying to impress the boys. I said, "No! No one wants to see that!"

Well, I guess I'd better pull up my jeans more. And, uh, grow a thick layer of skin before I see her, preferably one without pores or hair on it...