My sister gave me some fleece sheets for my birthday. Yep, they're FLEECE.
Yet I still avoid going to bed for some reason. But at least when I do, it's like crawling into a GIANT COTTON BALL. Aahhh YES.
In fact, it's not cotton at all. It's polyethylene terephthalate. (Say that once really fast.) Doesn't it sound scrumptiously comfy! Hmm, not particularly.
According to Wikipedia, polar fleece is "soft, very comfortable to wear... extremely warm even with a relatively thin layer of material." Alternatively, it also says that "users have a tendency to sweat in fleece, as it is an artificial fibre... It tends to generate very high static electricity charges."
Hmm. I'm wondering when this will occur. Hasn't yet.
So how am I not sweating when the fabric is considered "extremely warm"? And what happens when you're sitting in a pool of perspiration and move and a bolt of static shoots from the sheets? Does sweat conduct electricity cuz I'm starting to get a bit worried here.
I'm also thinking I'd better not move in those sheets and fart at the same time. Unless of course they've been treated with some fire retardant material. In which case I'm going to be dead soon anyways as that stuff is mega-toxic!
Oh geez, now I have a good reason to avoid going to bed!
Well, shite. I MUST get some sleep. Alright, I'm off to the "cotton" ball now. Gotta try real hard not to sweat, move, fart or breathe... or at least, not all at once. Could happen.
Showing posts with label Farts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Farts. Show all posts
Thursday, October 04, 2007
Monday, October 01, 2007
When NOT to laugh
We all know that laughter is the best medicine, but there are times when it may actually be bad for your health. This post was inspired by a recent conversation about this very topic. We were chatting about bad times to get the giggles... My friend said- at funerals and the movie The Passion of the Christ.
True dat.
To add to that list, you should never laugh, get the giggles (or even smirk sometimes) under the following circumstances:
When drinking any type of fluid (particularly at a formal dinner).
When robbing a bank (or making serious threats of any kind).
During an academic seminar when a French person pronounces the word "focus" - "fuckus".
While being reprimanded/interrogated by an authority figure (whether it be your parents as a kid, the police or especially while being questioned by border guards).
During a break up... or if you're firing someone (laughing during any type of rejection just adds insult to injury).
When you have to go pee really badly (or worse, if you have severe diarhea).
When you're hiding in a closet (i.e. during an intense game of hide and seek, ninja attack, alien invasion, while your rommate has sex, etc.)
If ever on trial for murder (particularly if you're on the stand being cross examined. However, it may be ok if it's a well-placed OMG-that's-completely-&-utterly-preposterous type of chortle).
After someone else rips a loud fart in public. (Try 'splaining yourself outta that one.)
When a very old or handicapped person falls. ('Nuff said.) And yeah, even if they aren't hurt.
At mentally retarded people, under any circumstance (even if they are trying to be funny.)
Alternatively, at people pretending to be retarded. (That's just not cool).
During sex. (Worse, is the first time you see him naked...) Don't do it, it could scar your sex life for years to come, if not for a lifetime (for him). (Comment by Jen- But if there's a weird noise or something, it's worse to get silent and awkward about it... and sex IS kinda funny!) True dat Jensies, true dat.
That's it. I'm tapped out. Anyone have any other suggestions?
True dat.
To add to that list, you should never laugh, get the giggles (or even smirk sometimes) under the following circumstances:
When drinking any type of fluid (particularly at a formal dinner).
When robbing a bank (or making serious threats of any kind).
During an academic seminar when a French person pronounces the word "focus" - "fuckus".
While being reprimanded/interrogated by an authority figure (whether it be your parents as a kid, the police or especially while being questioned by border guards).
During a break up... or if you're firing someone (laughing during any type of rejection just adds insult to injury).
When you have to go pee really badly (or worse, if you have severe diarhea).
When you're hiding in a closet (i.e. during an intense game of hide and seek, ninja attack, alien invasion, while your rommate has sex, etc.)
If ever on trial for murder (particularly if you're on the stand being cross examined. However, it may be ok if it's a well-placed OMG-that's-completely-&-utterly-preposterous type of chortle).
After someone else rips a loud fart in public. (Try 'splaining yourself outta that one.)
When a very old or handicapped person falls. ('Nuff said.) And yeah, even if they aren't hurt.
At mentally retarded people, under any circumstance (even if they are trying to be funny.)
Alternatively, at people pretending to be retarded. (That's just not cool).
During sex. (Worse, is the first time you see him naked...) Don't do it, it could scar your sex life for years to come, if not for a lifetime (for him). (Comment by Jen- But if there's a weird noise or something, it's worse to get silent and awkward about it... and sex IS kinda funny!) True dat Jensies, true dat.
That's it. I'm tapped out. Anyone have any other suggestions?
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
The Invention of the Machine Gun
The invention of the machine gun has to be one of the most influential inventions of all time. On one hand, it sucks. To increase the efficiency of killing people is certainly not a happy thing at all. Nope, not happy. I would think.
But could you imagine an action flick nowadays without the "rat-tat-tat-tat!!!" of a semi-automatic? Would Rambo have been "Rambo" without the huge gun and ammunition belt slung around his shoulder? (Um, I'm trying to think about what Rambo looked like and I'm picturing him with the gun and ammunition belt... too lazy to Google it).
So yeah there's that. But there's the many other influences the machine gun has had on society today. The shooter belt made to look like a belt of bullets... ah ah? Yeah, what would we do without that? And machine gun-style water guns? The machine gun made water guns cool again.
The biggest thing, to me, is the sound a machine gun makes... How many things do we describe with that sound effect? A friend of mine said her husband's snore sounded like a machine gun the other night. She had no idea what it was at first, and then he woke up in mid-machine gun snore and he couldn't believe he was making that sound! Also, what about the rat-tat-tat-tat of a machine gun fart? How else would you describe the fart to someone without the semi-automatic reference??? Yep, that's a rapid fire weapon if I've ever heard one!!!
But could you imagine an action flick nowadays without the "rat-tat-tat-tat!!!" of a semi-automatic? Would Rambo have been "Rambo" without the huge gun and ammunition belt slung around his shoulder? (Um, I'm trying to think about what Rambo looked like and I'm picturing him with the gun and ammunition belt... too lazy to Google it).
So yeah there's that. But there's the many other influences the machine gun has had on society today. The shooter belt made to look like a belt of bullets... ah ah? Yeah, what would we do without that? And machine gun-style water guns? The machine gun made water guns cool again.
The biggest thing, to me, is the sound a machine gun makes... How many things do we describe with that sound effect? A friend of mine said her husband's snore sounded like a machine gun the other night. She had no idea what it was at first, and then he woke up in mid-machine gun snore and he couldn't believe he was making that sound! Also, what about the rat-tat-tat-tat of a machine gun fart? How else would you describe the fart to someone without the semi-automatic reference??? Yep, that's a rapid fire weapon if I've ever heard one!!!
Thursday, December 07, 2006
Excuse me, I farted.
How embarrassing would this be?
Lit Matches Prompt Emergency Landing
By Martin Weil
Washington Post Staff Writer
Wednesday, December 6, 2006; Page A08
I guess the FBI were called in and there were bomb-sniffing dogs... And all because a lady was too embarrassed to admit that she farted. Ok, attention all women out there, let's practice. Say this, out loud 10x:
"Excuse me, I farted."
I know, it's almost an impossible sentence for us ladies to get out. However, if I'm grilled hard enough, I'll admit to breaking the smell barrier. Some mysteries shall remain, however. There's still one fart in a car I remember not too long ago- there were 3 of us trapped in that stenchy hot box and NO ONE would admit to being the source of the sufferage. And it WASN'T ME. I swear!
I sat beside someone on a flight earlier this year and I'm sure it was him who had the silent but deadly gas leak. It came in waves. All of a sudden, there would be this larger than life pungent nostril-violating stench. It was so bad that my eyes watered and I could only describe the air in those moments as being 'thick'. Each time, it took a while for the air to clear. And on a flight there is no way to escape, almost as if being held under the covers by some sicko who thinks it's funny! Anyways, the guy slept the whole flight, but I'm pretty sure he was faking it so he wouldn't have to explain himself. I suppose that's a better option than lighting a match. Since when does lighting a match cover up anything anyways?
Lit Matches Prompt Emergency Landing
By Martin Weil
Washington Post Staff Writer
Wednesday, December 6, 2006; Page A08
A jetliner from Washington made an emergency landing Monday in Nashville after passengers smelled matches being struck, a Nashville airport spokeswoman said.
Lynne Lowrance, spokeswoman for Nashville International Airport, said that a passenger on the Dallas-bound flight, which had originated at Reagan National Airport, had been striking matches to mask evidence of a troubled digestive system.
I guess the FBI were called in and there were bomb-sniffing dogs... And all because a lady was too embarrassed to admit that she farted. Ok, attention all women out there, let's practice. Say this, out loud 10x:
"Excuse me, I farted."
I know, it's almost an impossible sentence for us ladies to get out. However, if I'm grilled hard enough, I'll admit to breaking the smell barrier. Some mysteries shall remain, however. There's still one fart in a car I remember not too long ago- there were 3 of us trapped in that stenchy hot box and NO ONE would admit to being the source of the sufferage. And it WASN'T ME. I swear!
I sat beside someone on a flight earlier this year and I'm sure it was him who had the silent but deadly gas leak. It came in waves. All of a sudden, there would be this larger than life pungent nostril-violating stench. It was so bad that my eyes watered and I could only describe the air in those moments as being 'thick'. Each time, it took a while for the air to clear. And on a flight there is no way to escape, almost as if being held under the covers by some sicko who thinks it's funny! Anyways, the guy slept the whole flight, but I'm pretty sure he was faking it so he wouldn't have to explain himself. I suppose that's a better option than lighting a match. Since when does lighting a match cover up anything anyways?
Thursday, November 23, 2006
The Perfect Boyfriend
Deneen gave me an early Christmas present... It's a giant human-length pillow, perfect for nocturnal cuddling. She calls it the perfect boyfriend!!!
I've tried it out the last few nights. He's not bad, not bad at all. I'm not sure about perfect though. Here's my breakdown of the situation:
Ways he's just like a typical boyfriend:
Useless at the times you need him most.
Makes me overheat and I have to kick him to the other side of the bed in the middle of the night.
Ways he's better than a typical boyfriend:
Doesn't toss and turn, hog the covers, fart, grunt/snore, try to take my pillow or tickle me.
Doesn't mind if I do one of the above (uh, only one... and I'm not saying which one).
Never crawls into bed in the middle of the night smelling like booze or cigarettes.
I don't have to feel guilty about reading in bed.
Doesn't eat in the bed or leave his underwear on the floor (he doesn't even wear underwear... actually just these starry glow-in-the-dark flannel PJs, also known as a pillowcase).
There's no groping, or ahem, poking.
Ways he's not as good as a typical boyfriend:
A little too soft (maybe he should get his ass outta bed sometime and WORK OUT).
Doesn't spoon.
Lack of pillow talk (It's a little tiresome when I do ALL the talking).
There's no groping, or ahem, poking.
I've tried it out the last few nights. He's not bad, not bad at all. I'm not sure about perfect though. Here's my breakdown of the situation:
Ways he's just like a typical boyfriend:
Useless at the times you need him most.
Makes me overheat and I have to kick him to the other side of the bed in the middle of the night.
Ways he's better than a typical boyfriend:
Doesn't toss and turn, hog the covers, fart, grunt/snore, try to take my pillow or tickle me.
Doesn't mind if I do one of the above (uh, only one... and I'm not saying which one).
Never crawls into bed in the middle of the night smelling like booze or cigarettes.
I don't have to feel guilty about reading in bed.
Doesn't eat in the bed or leave his underwear on the floor (he doesn't even wear underwear... actually just these starry glow-in-the-dark flannel PJs, also known as a pillowcase).
There's no groping, or ahem, poking.
Ways he's not as good as a typical boyfriend:
A little too soft (maybe he should get his ass outta bed sometime and WORK OUT).
Doesn't spoon.
Lack of pillow talk (It's a little tiresome when I do ALL the talking).
There's no groping, or ahem, poking.
Monday, September 25, 2006
High Fibre Diet = Low Social Acceptance
My gut is fairly well adapted to a high fibre diet. With fibre, I’d definitely recommend starting with a small amount and increasing that slowly over time. Never before has "baby steps" been such an important concept.
Do not, I repeat do NOT tamper with this. It’s a volatile system that can blow up good if taken lightly.
Here is a meal combination(1) that I’ve found will test the boundaries of even the most well-adapted:
Colon Blow Burrito (aka 'recipe for social disaster')
Ingredient; Fibre
1 high fibre tortilla(2); 8g
¾ cup refried beans; 9g
½ avocado; 6.5g
½ cup salsa; 3.5g
2 cubes cheese; 0g
Total = 27g
Seeing as how 25g is the daily goal for the average grown woman and most people in North America don’t even get 10g in a whole day, you can imagine the possible repercussions(3).
Further, DO NOT follow this up with a few pints of draught beer(4).
I think I just figured out why Mexicans prefer a stiff margarita to a cold Corona.
Footnotes:
(1)Consume at your own risk.
(2)The high fibre tortilla was an experiment in healthy eating gone horribly wrong. This is particularly true if you have coeliac disease, in which case you may be considered akin to a suicide bomber, taking down yourself as well as those around you.
(3)Not recommended. You may be eating healthy, but others will also keep a healthy distance between you and themselves.
(4)Socially, you may be well-lubricated after drinking beer, but your rear-end will also be well-lubricated after high fibre burrito + beer. Take a moment to consider this. On the other hand, if you are competing in a fart show-down with your siblings or other willing(5) participants, this is proven effective and will specifically improve 2 functions important in fart showdowns: 1) explosive fart force and 2) the ability to fart at will (and at times perhaps not at will).
(5)Mutually consented gas-letting should be strictly adhered to at all times. Farting against another's will is considered immature, unethical and even dangerous to the victim's physical and emotional well-being and is not condoned in any way, shape or form by the administrator of this site.
Monday, August 14, 2006
Consequences... or whatever
The girl in the lab here loves to blare the country music. Normally I don't care, but I have a low tolerance for it sometimes. Like, I can't believe they STILL play Achy Breaky Heart on the radio. Holy sheet. I thought that song was too tacky for airplay. And today I could NOT believe it when I heard something like, "holy my beer, hold my beer, hold my beer" over and over again coming from the other room. Case in point.
I'm happy when 4pm rolls around, because she's gone and I can blare my own music as loud as I want. Total freedom of drums, air guitar and vocals. Once in a while I get busted by a guy that wanders in around 5pm. I always have to look around the corner and make sure he's not there. On Friday he was gone early. Then Jen walked in unannounced at around 5 and almost caught me mid-funky chicken. Perhaps she didn't believe me that the dance party starts at 4 here! C'mon, it gets friggin' boring, I have to do something!!! (I've yacked about this before.)
I paid for that funky chicken or whatever I was doing the next day.
I couldn't figure out why my back and neck were stiff. I went to my friend's house on Saturday to try to fix his computer. The damn thing had spyware up the yingyang. Damn computer rookies! I'm surprised that it was still kickin'. So I sat there trying to get that shit off it while he watched... uh, and farted.
And farted.
It was pretty rank in his little living room and he couldn't stop laughing. Normally when he farts, it's mostly a noisemaker (that sounds like he just loaded up his pants). For instance, earlier that day we were walking down Whyte Ave and he ripped a loud one and then made an "aahhh" noise kind of like when you have a very cold refreshing drink on a hot day. The people ahead of us heard it clear as day and I turned red and walked a distance from him for a while. I commented that he'd better check his pants.
Luckily most of the time it doesn't smell. Although it doesn't matter if it smells or not, I'm not too keen on sniffing his butt air. When it does smell, it's thick and could probably melt cement. He loves to wait until it drifts over and makes contact before he says anything. One time his friend called and left a message that he was getting stunk out of the truck. I know the feeling because he waits for the gasping and choking before he opens a window. Sorry man. Guess that's the price you pay to hang with him. It did make me laugh though... perhaps it's funnier when it happens to someone else.
Anyways, so I'm trying to fix his computer while turning green and trying not to lose consciousness. What kind of appreciation is that?!? You'd think he'd try to be nice to me for doing him a favour... but NO, he had to abuse my generosity!!! Well buddy, guess what? It's payback time. Anything you do can and will be used against you in my blog!!!!
Ok, so I got on a tangent there. When I was at my friend's house, I started rockin' out to a tune he was playing and BOOM, shooting neck pain! THAT is why I was sore, it was due to some headbang-type groovin' I was doing the day before. It all came back to me... Y'see, my Friday night dance party had me rockin' out to "Hate to Say I Told you So" by the Hives. That song always gets me going. Why is it that just few little swings of the head like that can make you soooo sore? Rock stars must totally have to do a headbangin' workout before they go on tour.
Well folks, once again I just rambled on about nothing important.
But now it's 4pm. Time to rock out!!! "Da na na na na na na na na na I do believe I told you sooooooooo!" Guess I'll never learn.
I'm happy when 4pm rolls around, because she's gone and I can blare my own music as loud as I want. Total freedom of drums, air guitar and vocals. Once in a while I get busted by a guy that wanders in around 5pm. I always have to look around the corner and make sure he's not there. On Friday he was gone early. Then Jen walked in unannounced at around 5 and almost caught me mid-funky chicken. Perhaps she didn't believe me that the dance party starts at 4 here! C'mon, it gets friggin' boring, I have to do something!!! (I've yacked about this before.)
I paid for that funky chicken or whatever I was doing the next day.
I couldn't figure out why my back and neck were stiff. I went to my friend's house on Saturday to try to fix his computer. The damn thing had spyware up the yingyang. Damn computer rookies! I'm surprised that it was still kickin'. So I sat there trying to get that shit off it while he watched... uh, and farted.
And farted.
It was pretty rank in his little living room and he couldn't stop laughing. Normally when he farts, it's mostly a noisemaker (that sounds like he just loaded up his pants). For instance, earlier that day we were walking down Whyte Ave and he ripped a loud one and then made an "aahhh" noise kind of like when you have a very cold refreshing drink on a hot day. The people ahead of us heard it clear as day and I turned red and walked a distance from him for a while. I commented that he'd better check his pants.
Luckily most of the time it doesn't smell. Although it doesn't matter if it smells or not, I'm not too keen on sniffing his butt air. When it does smell, it's thick and could probably melt cement. He loves to wait until it drifts over and makes contact before he says anything. One time his friend called and left a message that he was getting stunk out of the truck. I know the feeling because he waits for the gasping and choking before he opens a window. Sorry man. Guess that's the price you pay to hang with him. It did make me laugh though... perhaps it's funnier when it happens to someone else.
Anyways, so I'm trying to fix his computer while turning green and trying not to lose consciousness. What kind of appreciation is that?!? You'd think he'd try to be nice to me for doing him a favour... but NO, he had to abuse my generosity!!! Well buddy, guess what? It's payback time. Anything you do can and will be used against you in my blog!!!!
Ok, so I got on a tangent there. When I was at my friend's house, I started rockin' out to a tune he was playing and BOOM, shooting neck pain! THAT is why I was sore, it was due to some headbang-type groovin' I was doing the day before. It all came back to me... Y'see, my Friday night dance party had me rockin' out to "Hate to Say I Told you So" by the Hives. That song always gets me going. Why is it that just few little swings of the head like that can make you soooo sore? Rock stars must totally have to do a headbangin' workout before they go on tour.
Well folks, once again I just rambled on about nothing important.
But now it's 4pm. Time to rock out!!! "Da na na na na na na na na na I do believe I told you sooooooooo!" Guess I'll never learn.
Thursday, June 01, 2006
Yoga Farts
Farts are funny, especially during yoga.
You have to check this out on The Bitch Blog... More on yoga farts.
You have to check this out on The Bitch Blog... More on yoga farts.
Monday, May 15, 2006
Smell-o-vision
According to Wikipedia:
Smell-o-vision is the name given to a type of film where the viewer can 'smell' what is happening in the movie. The technique was created in 1960 by Mike Todd, Jr., son of film producer Mike Todd. The process injected 30 different smells into a movie theatre's seats when triggered by the film's soundtrack.
It goes on to say that ...
Problems propagating scents in sync with the film and flushing the scents out between each showing led to Smell-o-vision's early demise.
Wow, I never knew about this! Recently though, it looks like technology may have revived the idea of smell-o-vision. See this article I came across recently:
Japan moviegoers get whiff of smellovision...
JAPAN (KP International) Two cinemas in Japan are adding smell to the movie-going experience, and have chosen Irish hunk Colin Farrell's latest film for their debut.
The inaugural smelly flick will be last year's historical flop 'The New World' starring Farrell, Christian Bale, Christopher Plummer and young and talented newcomer Q'Orianka Kilcher.
For one thing, I wouldn’t want to go to a movie with much toilet humour in it! Could you imagine the toilet scene in Dumb and Dumber? Instead of laughing when someone farted in a movie, with the raunchy smell being pumped into the theatre, there would no doubt be tons of groaning from the audience. Would farts in movies cease to be funny if you smelt one every time someone dealt one? I think so.
Smell-o-vision is the name given to a type of film where the viewer can 'smell' what is happening in the movie. The technique was created in 1960 by Mike Todd, Jr., son of film producer Mike Todd. The process injected 30 different smells into a movie theatre's seats when triggered by the film's soundtrack.
It goes on to say that ...
Problems propagating scents in sync with the film and flushing the scents out between each showing led to Smell-o-vision's early demise.
Wow, I never knew about this! Recently though, it looks like technology may have revived the idea of smell-o-vision. See this article I came across recently:
Japan moviegoers get whiff of smellovision...
When there are romantic scenes, audiences will smell a floral fragrance; a mix of peppermint and rosemary will accompany the heartrending moments; an orange and grapefruit citrus scent symbolizes joy; and an herbal-blend with a tang of tea tree and eucalyptus will accent anger.
The scents will circulate through the theatre via machines filled with fragrant liquids located under the back row seats.
I have a few concerns regarding smell-o-vision...For one thing, I wouldn’t want to go to a movie with much toilet humour in it! Could you imagine the toilet scene in Dumb and Dumber? Instead of laughing when someone farted in a movie, with the raunchy smell being pumped into the theatre, there would no doubt be tons of groaning from the audience. Would farts in movies cease to be funny if you smelt one every time someone dealt one? I think so.
Would watching “Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas” result in a hotbox theatre?
And finally, perfect images of men on screen being all romantic already drives us women crazy… to pump the smell of axe body spray into the theatre would probably result in riots!
Monday, May 08, 2006
David Blaine is a Weirdo
That David Blaine guy is quite the weirdo. I've heard of stunts people pull for attention. This guy takes it a little bit too far. Tonight is the finale of his latest man in water bubble stunt...
Apparently some of his fans are a little crazy too:
One young man stood in line for a few minutes, and when he got to the front of the bubble, displayed a sign to Mr. Blaine that said, "I'm in love with you. You inspire me." In place of the word love, the man, Victor Henao, 22, had drawn a red heart.
Bizarre.
One thing, he certainly couldn't sneak out a fart with all those people watching. I wonder if onlookers laugh and point when he lets a few stink-bubbles go...
Apparently some of his fans are a little crazy too:
One young man stood in line for a few minutes, and when he got to the front of the bubble, displayed a sign to Mr. Blaine that said, "I'm in love with you. You inspire me." In place of the word love, the man, Victor Henao, 22, had drawn a red heart.
Bizarre.
One thing, he certainly couldn't sneak out a fart with all those people watching. I wonder if onlookers laugh and point when he lets a few stink-bubbles go...
Monday, April 03, 2006
April Fool's Day... Make Someone Smile:)
I realize that anything I say on April 1st is suspect. People know me too well. However, like I said in the last comments, I did NOT play any jokes last year on April Fool’s Day!!! This is because I think AFD is like Valentine's Day, they’re designated days when you have free reign to act like a fool but you could (and should) have fun all year 'round with both concepts.
I don’t know how I ended up as a practical joker; because everything I did that was halfway non-serious as a kid, I got in trouble for. I put mashed potatoes on my uncle’s chair and he sat in it-- deep shit. I tripped my older brother’s friend as he walked by and he went flying down the stairs-- deep shit. I put water on a maxi pad and slapped it on my little brother’s head-- deep deep shit. Don’t ask me why I thought that was a funny thing to do, although I was laughing until I got in trouble for it. The fact is, I always got in shit for joking around. Goofing off or giggling anywhere/anytime, especially at bedtime, the dinner table or on road trips was grounds for-- deep shit.
Anyways, somehow I got to like the ol’ joking around business. Mind you, now that I think about it, my mom had a few jokes up her sleeves. She used to get us kids every AFD by waking us up in the morning in a panic saying the school bus was waiting for us. We’d race out of bed and grab our bags only to find: NO BUS. My brothers have also pulled fast ones on me... one evening I was exhausted and fell asleep on the couch. At around 7pm they woke me up and told me it was 7am and I'd better start getting ready for school. I wandered around in a confused daze for at least half an hour before I realized what was happening. I guess the lesson there is that it's good to get people when they're still half asleep!!! My sister has also been a good example, a few years ago she bought a remote control farting machine that proved to be hours and hours of laughter. I got one too eventually. One day I brought it to work. I placed it under Vanessa’s desk chair in the lab, and as the senior technologist was walking by her desk, I set it off from where I was sitting. I could see him jerk his head to look at her and then speed off out of the lab.
So usually when AFD comes along, I have to pull out a few tricks of the trade. In the past, I’ve called my mom to tell her I was pregnant. Another year I told some friends I got back together with my ex. Wow, that made them mad! A couple of year’s ago, I have to admit that I didn’t plan it, but I was ON FIRE. I spent the whole morning (uh not working) playing joke after joke. Anyways, on email/msn I told a couple of my friends that my supervisor called a lab meeting. I told them that it had been in the works for a while, but he was taking a job in Adelaide, Australia!!! I explained that I could either finish up my work here, and hopefully he could come back for my defense OR I could actually arrange it so I could go with him!!! They were pretty excited for me. Where's Adelaide? Well, just south of Impullinyerleg and west of Urasucka!!! That morning I also called my friend Lisa and told her that our Juno tickets got stolen out of my desk at work. I got my Vanessa good too when I stuck a fake ‘hanger’ in my nose (it dangles down about 3 inches) and pretended to sneeze and ran around the lab screaming, "Where's a Kleenex? I need a Kleenex!!!" She was REALLY grossed out!
Definitely the easiest tools for AFD are email and instant messages though. There isn’t the pressure to keep a straight face because you can be laughing the whole time and the other person is none the wiser. And you can trick so many people at the same time, even hundreds of miles away!
I get my friend Chris every year on msn (hehehe, sorry Girky)!!! The 'on fire' year I got her REAL GOOD. I was to be Chris’s Maid of Honor in her wedding later that summer... Here's an excerpt from the conversation that day (btw, we call each other ‘girk’… it was a typo for ‘girl’ that stuck):
I says: hey girk... i was gonna call you last night. It turns out that my cousin is getting married the long weekend in august, so i don't know what to do... she asked me to be in the wedding party
I says: girk?
I says: hey girky!!! July 31st? That weekend??? oh man - do what you want girk!! I understand
I says: its not that i WANT tho, its that i feel obligated
Bealer says: whatever you choose!
I says: shite, this is a tough one. and its in winnipeg too, so i can't even try to do both!!!
Bealer says: hey girk, I understand
I says: unless.... tell me what you think of this...
Bealer says: oh no! hahahah
I says: SUCKA!!!!!! HAPPY APRIL FOOL'S DAY!!!!! man i get you every year don't i, hehehehehe
i love it
Bealer says: you do get me!
I says: heeheehee
Bealer says: EVERY F***ING YEAR. what a - why I not just outta, I am GONNA!!!
I says: HAHAHAHA i'm laughing pretty hard right now
I says: man, you were really nice about it too
Bealer says: well I felt so bad! And I totally understood!! not yer fault
I says: hahaha thanks girk, you made my morning
Bealer says: LOL - I just told everyone here - I guess you made their morning too!!!
I says: hahaha
Bealer says: oh man , you GOT ME SOOO GOOOD. they were like, what are you cursing at?? LOL
Then I just continued with other people on my msn list… Next was a mutual friend of my bud Nancy, who was in Asia traveling at the time…
I says: so did you hear about nancy???
She says: no? what?
I says: all her shit got stolen, ALL OF IT
She says: WHAT
She says: WHERE?
I says: she's got one set of clothes, that she was wearing last night
She says: oh no
I says: in vietnam
She says: how did you find this out?
I says: simon was telling me last night
She says: so her passport and money too?
I says: all that shit
She says: f***, is she devastated?
I says: holy fack
She says: did she leave it in the hostel?
I says: she has to come back
She says: happens a lot. she has to get a passport first
I says: yeah she was gonna go to the embassy last i heard, the canadian embassy or something
She says: f***, how stressful
She says: what a bad way to end everything
I says: i haven't heard much since
She says: she doesnt really HAVE to come back
I says: i feel terrible for her
She says: me too, that sucks
I says: well, i think she's fed up, didn't like vietnam to start with
She says: thats awful. she must have left it in her guesthouse and went out. f***, what about her ticket home?
I says: she's just cutting it short by aoubt two months i guess, she was planning on coming back in june or so eh
She says: might be able to re-issue that. yeah, June
I says: i don't know, i never thought of that!!!
She says: That sucks, people who steal suck
I says: yeah, people that trick people suck too. Hehehe. april fools sucka!!!!
She says: hahahhahah good one!!!! I totally fell for it!!!
I says: HAHAHA, me laughing... HARD
She says: HAHAHAHHAA so you should be
She says: I am an idiot
I says: you are my 4th victim this morning
She says: HAHAHAA, I got my sister but that was it, good one
I says: hahaha, too funny. anyways, thanks for that. it was very fun
She says: hahahha, you'll get yours
... I figure if I can get someone to drop the F-bomb that many times, I must be doing pretty good!!!
Then I got a girl who is a mutual friend of Rose’s…
I says: hey, did you hear about rose???
She says: what's that?
I says: oops, maybe i shouldn't say… ah well, you'll find out soon enough
I says: her and des are gonna be parents!!!!
I says: cool eh
She says: shut up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! holy shit
She says: how far along is she?
I says: yeah, act like you don't know tho
She says: f***!!!!!!! it'
She says: it's april fools!!!!!!!!!!
I says: about 3 mos now
oh… yeah
I says: sucka
hahahaha
She says: lol
She says: you really had me!!!!!
I says: HAHA cool!!!
She says: i was racking my brain.... too funny...thanks for the smile....you're the only person that's tried today...anyone get you?
I says: HAHA uh, no but you're my 6th victim
hehehehe
I says: geez, this has been a really fun morning
I don’t know how I ended up as a practical joker; because everything I did that was halfway non-serious as a kid, I got in trouble for. I put mashed potatoes on my uncle’s chair and he sat in it-- deep shit. I tripped my older brother’s friend as he walked by and he went flying down the stairs-- deep shit. I put water on a maxi pad and slapped it on my little brother’s head-- deep deep shit. Don’t ask me why I thought that was a funny thing to do, although I was laughing until I got in trouble for it. The fact is, I always got in shit for joking around. Goofing off or giggling anywhere/anytime, especially at bedtime, the dinner table or on road trips was grounds for-- deep shit.
Anyways, somehow I got to like the ol’ joking around business. Mind you, now that I think about it, my mom had a few jokes up her sleeves. She used to get us kids every AFD by waking us up in the morning in a panic saying the school bus was waiting for us. We’d race out of bed and grab our bags only to find: NO BUS. My brothers have also pulled fast ones on me... one evening I was exhausted and fell asleep on the couch. At around 7pm they woke me up and told me it was 7am and I'd better start getting ready for school. I wandered around in a confused daze for at least half an hour before I realized what was happening. I guess the lesson there is that it's good to get people when they're still half asleep!!! My sister has also been a good example, a few years ago she bought a remote control farting machine that proved to be hours and hours of laughter. I got one too eventually. One day I brought it to work. I placed it under Vanessa’s desk chair in the lab, and as the senior technologist was walking by her desk, I set it off from where I was sitting. I could see him jerk his head to look at her and then speed off out of the lab.
So usually when AFD comes along, I have to pull out a few tricks of the trade. In the past, I’ve called my mom to tell her I was pregnant. Another year I told some friends I got back together with my ex. Wow, that made them mad! A couple of year’s ago, I have to admit that I didn’t plan it, but I was ON FIRE. I spent the whole morning (uh not working) playing joke after joke. Anyways, on email/msn I told a couple of my friends that my supervisor called a lab meeting. I told them that it had been in the works for a while, but he was taking a job in Adelaide, Australia!!! I explained that I could either finish up my work here, and hopefully he could come back for my defense OR I could actually arrange it so I could go with him!!! They were pretty excited for me. Where's Adelaide? Well, just south of Impullinyerleg and west of Urasucka!!! That morning I also called my friend Lisa and told her that our Juno tickets got stolen out of my desk at work. I got my Vanessa good too when I stuck a fake ‘hanger’ in my nose (it dangles down about 3 inches) and pretended to sneeze and ran around the lab screaming, "Where's a Kleenex? I need a Kleenex!!!" She was REALLY grossed out!
Definitely the easiest tools for AFD are email and instant messages though. There isn’t the pressure to keep a straight face because you can be laughing the whole time and the other person is none the wiser. And you can trick so many people at the same time, even hundreds of miles away!
I get my friend Chris every year on msn (hehehe, sorry Girky)!!! The 'on fire' year I got her REAL GOOD. I was to be Chris’s Maid of Honor in her wedding later that summer... Here's an excerpt from the conversation that day (btw, we call each other ‘girk’… it was a typo for ‘girl’ that stuck):
I says: hey girk... i was gonna call you last night. It turns out that my cousin is getting married the long weekend in august, so i don't know what to do... she asked me to be in the wedding party
I says: girk?
I says: hey girky!!! July 31st? That weekend??? oh man - do what you want girk!! I understand
I says: its not that i WANT tho, its that i feel obligated
Bealer says: whatever you choose!
I says: shite, this is a tough one. and its in winnipeg too, so i can't even try to do both!!!
Bealer says: hey girk, I understand
I says: unless.... tell me what you think of this...
Bealer says: oh no! hahahah
I says: SUCKA!!!!!! HAPPY APRIL FOOL'S DAY!!!!! man i get you every year don't i, hehehehehe
i love it
Bealer says: you do get me!
I says: heeheehee
Bealer says: EVERY F***ING YEAR. what a - why I not just outta, I am GONNA!!!
I says: HAHAHAHA i'm laughing pretty hard right now
I says: man, you were really nice about it too
Bealer says: well I felt so bad! And I totally understood!! not yer fault
I says: hahaha thanks girk, you made my morning
Bealer says: LOL - I just told everyone here - I guess you made their morning too!!!
I says: hahaha
Bealer says: oh man , you GOT ME SOOO GOOOD. they were like, what are you cursing at?? LOL
Then I just continued with other people on my msn list… Next was a mutual friend of my bud Nancy, who was in Asia traveling at the time…
I says: so did you hear about nancy???
She says: no? what?
I says: all her shit got stolen, ALL OF IT
She says: WHAT
She says: WHERE?
I says: she's got one set of clothes, that she was wearing last night
She says: oh no
I says: in vietnam
She says: how did you find this out?
I says: simon was telling me last night
She says: so her passport and money too?
I says: all that shit
She says: f***, is she devastated?
I says: holy fack
She says: did she leave it in the hostel?
I says: she has to come back
She says: happens a lot. she has to get a passport first
I says: yeah she was gonna go to the embassy last i heard, the canadian embassy or something
She says: f***, how stressful
She says: what a bad way to end everything
I says: i haven't heard much since
She says: she doesnt really HAVE to come back
I says: i feel terrible for her
She says: me too, that sucks
I says: well, i think she's fed up, didn't like vietnam to start with
She says: thats awful. she must have left it in her guesthouse and went out. f***, what about her ticket home?
I says: she's just cutting it short by aoubt two months i guess, she was planning on coming back in june or so eh
She says: might be able to re-issue that. yeah, June
I says: i don't know, i never thought of that!!!
She says: That sucks, people who steal suck
I says: yeah, people that trick people suck too. Hehehe. april fools sucka!!!!
She says: hahahhahah good one!!!! I totally fell for it!!!
I says: HAHAHA, me laughing... HARD
She says: HAHAHAHHAA so you should be
She says: I am an idiot
I says: you are my 4th victim this morning
She says: HAHAHAA, I got my sister but that was it, good one
I says: hahaha, too funny. anyways, thanks for that. it was very fun
She says: hahahha, you'll get yours
... I figure if I can get someone to drop the F-bomb that many times, I must be doing pretty good!!!
Then I got a girl who is a mutual friend of Rose’s…
I says: hey, did you hear about rose???
She says: what's that?
I says: oops, maybe i shouldn't say… ah well, you'll find out soon enough
I says: her and des are gonna be parents!!!!
I says: cool eh
She says: shut up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! holy shit
She says: how far along is she?
I says: yeah, act like you don't know tho
She says: f***!!!!!!! it'
She says: it's april fools!!!!!!!!!!
I says: about 3 mos now
oh… yeah
I says: sucka
hahahaha
She says: lol
She says: you really had me!!!!!
I says: HAHA cool!!!
She says: i was racking my brain.... too funny...thanks for the smile....you're the only person that's tried today...anyone get you?
I says: HAHA uh, no but you're my 6th victim
hehehehe
I says: geez, this has been a really fun morning
Monday, February 20, 2006
Rude Awakenings
Most awakenings are rather rude, because who wouldn’t rather sleep most days than have to get up? It gets even ruder when you look in the mirror. At least that’s the case with me, since Puff Daddy has abandoned that name for P. Diddy (or is it only Shawn Combs now?) I’m going to claim the name Puffy or Puff Mama. Some days I stumble into the washroom and look in the mirror and almost fall over. You’d think that doing it every day would reduce my shock but it doesn’t. Someone must rough me up while I’m sleeping, and I don’t mean in a good way.
Then there are the rude awakenings that not only wake you up prematurely, but do so in a rude manner. Some examples of these would be having a bad dream, waking up with your face in a hairy armpit, or opening your eyes and seeing a bum or other body part extremely close up (luckily hasn’t happened to me since I was a kid).
My rude awakenings often include some kind of antics by one of my cats. For instance, a fairly common but revolting way to get woken up is by the sound of a cat puking. The other night my cat was right by my head and I heard that prepuking noise and thought she was going to hurl right on my face!!! I flipped out and she ended up running and throwing up on the carpet by the bedroom door. Another time Flo left some chicken bones on the counter, and one of the cats must have found the bones and dragged them into my room and was rabidly chewing and crunching and slurping right beside my bed at 5am. Then there was the time something startled the cat that was sleeping soundly on my belly. She sprung from belly to face, sprung off there and across the night table and into the closet. Ouch. I was startled once again that morning when I looked in the mirror.
I’ve also been woken up by farts. Sometimes you’re sleeping with a new person (boyfriend or friend) and somehow a fart gets out in the night and shocks you into consciousness. This is ultimate humiliation because you lie there wondering if the other person heard it and if they’re pretending to sleep through it to avoid the embarrassing moment. I mean, if it was loud enough to wake you up then it could have woken up the other person, right? What’s worse is when a fart wakes you up… but not the sound of it, the SMELL. I have never experienced this one, thank God. I have heard of it being grounds for divorce though.
Well, I’m going to bed early. I’d like to wake up refreshed, by my alarm, after a solid night’s sleep. Could happen!
Sunday, April 24, 2005
Smoking smells worse than butt…
Besides the obvious reason I hate smoking, which is that it’s taken the lives of people I’ve loved, including almost claiming my sweet Mom’s life… there are many many reasons why I HATE it.
First of all, let’s choose the obvious; it’s a disgusting habit. Smoker’s houses REEK and are covered in brown crap, just like their lungs. In fact, smokers themselves reek, I can tell when a smoker enters a room it smells so bad. And I hate walking behind a smoker around the university. Since they are unable to smoke indoors, they take the opportunity while they walk outside. Inevitably, I end up walking behind them, and breathing in the stench while I’m outside enjoying the weather and trying to enjoy the ‘fresh’ air. If you ask me, walking behind someone who is smoking is worse than walking behind some bloated mofo who just ate kolbassa, draft beer, beans, chili, onions and cabbage, and as a result has the rankest gas EVER. To me, catching a whiff of smoke outside in the supposedly fresh air is just as bad as catching a whiff of rotten onion sulfur farts. And yet smoking is "cool" and farting is socially unacceptable. To my knowledge, farts don’t cause cancer, second hand smoke does.
I got some interesting facts about smoking from this website: http://quitsmoking.about.com/b/a/145263.htm
I guess there’s a list of 599 additives approved by the US government for use in the manufacture of cigarettes! These secret ingredients were finally submitted by the five major American cigarette companies to the Dept. of Health and Human Services in April of 1994.
These additives, plus those naturally in tobacco, result in cigarette smoke having over 4,700 chemical compounds of which about 60 are carcinogenic. Here is a short summary of some of the toxic/carcinogenic compounds:
Carbon Monoxide
Nitrogen Oxides (NO)
Hydrogen Cyanide
Formaldehyde
Acrolein
Acetaldehyde
Ammonia
Hydrazine
Vinyl Chloride
Urethane
2-Nitropropane
Quinoline
Benzo[a]pyrene
Dibenz[a,h]anthracene
Benzo[b]fluoranthene
Benzo[j]fluoranthene
Dibenzo[a,h]pyrene
Dibenzo[a,i]pyrene
Dibenz[a,j]acridine
Indeno[1,2,3-cd]pyrene
Benzo[c]phenanthrene
Benz[a]anthracene
Benzo[e]pyrene
Chrysene
Methylchrysene
Mehtylfluoranthene
Dibenz[a,c]anthracene
Dibenz[a,h]acridine
Dibenzo[c,g]carbazole
Mehtylnaphtalenes
1-Methylindoles
Dichlorostilbene
Catechol
3-Methycatechol
4-Methycatechol
4-Ethycatechol
4-n-Propylcatechol
Nitrosodimethylamine
Nitrosoethymethylamine
Nitrosodiethylamine
Nitrosodi-n-propylamine
Nitrosodi-n-butylamine
Nitrosopyrrolidine
Nitrosopiperidine
Nitrosomorpholine
N'-Nitrosonornicotine
4-(methylnitrosamino)-1-(3-pyridyl)-1-butanone
N'-Nitrosoanabasine
N'-Nitrosoanatabine
Aromatic Amines
Aromatic Nitrohydrocarbons
Polonium-210
Nickel
Arsenic
Cadmium
Even a little second-hand smoke is dangerous. Second-hand smoke can cause cancer, breathing problems, heart disease, and more frequent asthma, pneumonia, colds and flus in the nonsmokers exposed to it.
On the other hand, the ingredients that farts contain are highly variable (depending on what you ate, how long you held the fart in, etc.) and may be negligible. These ingredients are:
Oxygen
Hydrogen
Carbon dioxide
Methane
Hydrogen sulfide
Ammonia
Even though some farts cause breathing problems and asthma-type symptoms, and you might THINK you are dying… according to the site: http://www.heptune.com/farts.html, gas has never killed anyone.
Unless of course some poor soul subjected to living with an extremely gassy person finally couldn’t take it anymore… Don’t laugh, I have known of people at the end of their ropes on this one!
Hahahaha! It’s good when you can start with a rant and end with a laugh:)
Here’s an interesting blog on quitting smoking… http://www.how-to-quit.com/blog/
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