Why I wear board shorts

Photo: TMZ.com

I'm not a frequenter of gossip sites, but after reading Jennifer Love Hewitt's comments on this butt shot of herself, I had to check it out. I feel bad for her. No one wants their badonkadonk on display like that for the whole world to see. Good for her I say! She says she loves her body and that rocks.

However, this is exactly why I wear board shorts and not bikini bottoms. Ya see, problem areas all covered up!

Photo: KillerDana.com

If you read this blog ever, you know about my rear-end issues. After seeing that photo I may feel bad for Miss Hewitt, but I feel good for the rest of us girls. All we ever see out there in the media regarding the female form is perfection. Men, on the other hand, see many more naked female bodies than us straight women ever do, perhaps that's why they're much less "picky" about our perceived imperfections. Or, as one male friend of mine said - if you're looking at a set of naked boobs, you're just happy to have naked boobs in front of you and not so picky about what they look like. Good point.

Frankly, I don't think seeing people at their worst is nice at all, we don't need that. But I do think it's refreshing to see REAL. Just a peek at the un-professionally dressed and makeup-ized, un-photoshopped/airbrushed versions of real people would be quite fine thank you!

As for me... Bikini bottoms may be cute on cute bottoms, but I'll be the girl on the right, thank you very much!

Photo: MsOutdoor.com

So um yeah... while I was cruising board shorts, I kinda ran across these photos. And well, you know my policy on gratuitous male nudity? Ahem, and if not then you do now!

Photo: Swim-Shop.com

Yowzers! ... I do prefer board shorts over any kind of skivvies on men, but I'm not going to complain! Nope.

Il Carpaccio di Gamba

There has been a lot of hoopla over whether adding a 4th blade to razors was really necessary. This cartoon at http://www.offthemark.com/ makes the point well.

To me, triple blades already shave close. I mean, how much closer than close can you really get before you're removing skin?

I went through this recently when I bought a new set of razors... Holy SHARP! I felt like an Italian Chef carving meat with that thing! Unlike Kramer, I've never thought of preparing dinner in the shower! So instead of making Carpaccio di Manzo all’Olio di Tartufo Estivo Carpaccio (thinly sliced raw beef tenderloin with capers, shaved Parmesan and black truffle oil), I could make Carpaccio di Gamba all’Olio di Tartufo Estivo Carpaccio (thinly sliced raw LEG). Apparently, the most difficult part of preparing carpaccio is the slicing of the meat. I dunno but with these razors, the slices are coming off pretty damn easy!

According to this recipe: Carpaccio Capers, lean meat, especially the rump, is best for carpaccio as it has more flavour. Hmm, I never thought of shaving my rump, but that would be really handy. And there's a seemingly endless supply of beef there...

Raw Beef Carpaccio

Honesty is the best policy

I've always thought that being up front was the best way to be in my relationships with people. I'd rather have someone be honest with me that I have a hanger in my nose, my breath stinks or that I should go change into a pair of jeans that are a little less honest about showing the actual size of my rear end. However, when I turn the tables, I have trouble telling people these things. I try to live by the rule to treat people the way I wanted to be treated, but then I fall short here a little.

But c'mon, there's a limit to how honest you should be with someone. For instance, before a friend goes out for the evening, you probably shouldn't say, "Man, do you ever look rough. Have you been getting enough sleep lately?" At that point there's really nothing they can do about the situation and you'll just make them feel like a sizable pile of steaming doodoo. On the other hand, I can go change my jeans. Hopefully I can find a pair that look better though. If not, then it may be another half an hour of having a fit before I finally throw my hands up in the air and pour another glass of wine. So uh, good intentions are great and all, but a little judgment is needed there...

There are certain things that people tell me that just stick there in my head forever. For instance, I'd heard before that everyone has an ugly side (and I'm not talking about character-wise). I mean an ugly side of their face. Block half of your face and look in the mirror, and then block the other half and you may be able to determine which side is the fairer one and which one would turn the opposite sex to stone. Anyways, so I knew all this when I'm in the passenger side of a friend's truck and he turns to look at me. Then he cringes and says this: "Yeah, that's definitely your ugly side."

Ever since then, whenever I'm in a car with a guy, I'm the one cringing at the thought that he's looking at my quasi-motoish side the whole time. Geez, I'd really be in trouble by the end of a long road trip! Y'see, there's no way to shield my face like I can hide my butt with a long shirt or baggy pants or by just not walking away from them, ever. I can't exactly don a balaclava or a clown mask whilst riding in the passenger seat of my date's car...

This leaves me in a quandry. Do I insist on driving all the time? Perhaps I'll just have to turn and face him constantly while pointing out things for him to look at outside the car. Or maybe, just maybe, I could try have such a sparkling personality that he doesn't even notice :)

For EVERY Body?

I have one small, err, large problem. I'm all the things on this list except 'petite'. How can a pair of jeans fix THAT?

We went to lululemon to try to find some hotpants for the hiphop class. Even lulu can't make this pillow ass look good. I did find some baggy sweatpants there though. You could say they were expensive, for mere sweatpants. However, hiding my real butt from the world is worth it.

Money saved on not having a gym membership: $300 per annum
Baggy sweatpants from lululemon: $67
Sufficiently disguised pillow-ass: Priceless

Body Fat Accumulation

I'm giving a class today on body fat accumulation and energy regulation. If I wanted to show an actual example of fat accumulation, I suppose I could just whip down my pants and show them my bare butt.

Yeah... NO.

Although I had a prof once who demonstrated how well the body regulates energy by taking her trousers off and putting on the leather pants she wore in high school. Yep, right in front of the whole class. It made her point well and was entertaining to boot.

There shall be no such show today. Besides, I definitely wouldn't fit into the Fancy Ass jeans I wore in high school, although I'm sure they'd be in style right now. Yikes... I hate those icky 'skinny' jeans. Hmmm. Come to think of it, I wouldn't even fit into the jeans I wore when I was 20. Funny thing, that's around the time I tried Weight Watchers.

Interesting how I thought I needed to trim down then and now I'm quite a bit heavier and am mostly at peace with my weight. That might have something to do with the styles now. If I wore the high-waisted skinny jeans now, I'm sure I'd be forced to join some weightloss program out of sheer desperation. It would be just too damn hideous.

Anyways, that Weight Watchers thing was a disaster. I cant' stand being told I CAN'T eat something. My friend Pam and I would follow the diet all week and then we'd find ourselves at some fast food joint eating hamburgers, fries and then heading to 7-11 and chowing down on ice cream bars. We'd seriously eat everything we weren't allowed to eat all week- in one day. Then we'd think, "Well we've blown the diet now, so let's just blow it some more."

I remember going on one of those diets where you eat only fruit on Monday, only vegetables on Tuesday, fruits and vegetables on Wednesday... and then I forget the rest because that was around the time I bailed. I knew I was in trouble Wednesday evening when I was feeding the cats canned catfood and thought it smelled so good that I started to salivate and considered having a spoonful. It seriously smelled like Chunky Soup to me.

So I haven't been on a diet in ages and ages. I just try to be reasonable. And that's all I have to say on that right now. The topic is boring. I'm boring myself.

Back to preparing for class...


UPDATE: Class went well, I thought. At least no one threw rotting fruit at me. Although for a 3 hour class, they probably wanted to hoard all the food they could to sustain them through it. Unfortunately, I have this problem of stumbling over my words at times. It's totally like being marble-mouthed. First, I couldn't get the word "prepubertal" out. Blah blah blah PREPUBERTAL. And then I tried to say "detectable statistically" and it came out as, wait for it... DETESTICLE. At which point I stopped and laughed and said, "That was a good one. What I meant to say was the difference was not detectable statistically. Try and say that 10 times fast." Yep, still chuckling over that one.

Rate your Rear

Oh man. I just read an article about this scientist that says he's found the formula for the ideal, uh, BUTT. I first heard about it on Sonic… I guess this scientist’s name is Dr. David Holmes and he claims to have found a mathematical equation for the perfect behind. I don’t really care to have anyone CALCULATE how bad my ass is… But, I guess I’m staying indoors this summer!!! Which I was going to anyways, sitting on my badly contained jelly for hours and days on end writing my thesis, guaranteeing that it gets flattened into a cheese slice!

Anyways, if you’re curious, the formula is ... ((S+C) x (B + F))/(T-V)

Where:

S = overall shape

C = circularity or spherical buttocks

B = bounce factor

F = touch firmness

V = vertical ratio

T = skin texture

OVERALL SHAPE: Which best describes your bum?

A trodden-on doughnut - 1

A pear dropped from a great height - 2

Rounded but dimpled, making it look square - 3

Big but more narrow than high - 4

A small peach shape - 5

CIRCULARITY: Which of these represents your bum?

Square as a cheese slice - 1

Like an egg is round - 2

More pear shaped - 3

Pair of pink grapefruits - 4

BOUNCE: How resilient is your bum?

Nothing can stop this badly contained jelly - 1

Wobbles for 30 seconds after one flick - 2

Cheeks don't meet when I walk - 3

Only bounce during sex – 4

During aerobics, doesn't even quiver - 5

TOUCH FIRMNESS: Which best describes your bum firmness to the touch?

Could lose a hand in here - 1

Makes a dimple if pressed - 2

Can't press in a centimetre - 3

Latex-coated cricket ball - 4

VERTICAL RATIO: Select nearest to your ratio.

Like a traffic cone - 4

Bigger at the bottom - 3

Symmetrical both ways - 2

Like a pert pair of breasts - 1

SKIN TEXTURE: How is your bum complexion?

Cellulite, spots, orange peel -- you name it! - 4

Dimpling on underside - 3

Spotty but no dimpling - 2

Like a baby's - 1

HOW DID MY BUM SCORE?

Perfection! - 80

Reach for the beach! - 60

Exercise! Diet! Hope! - 40

Keep your clothes on! - 20

Stay indoors! – 0

Still can't say no to crack

The jeans fast is officially over!!! Some of you may know that I’ve banned myself from buying jeans since last fall… and I’ve stuck to it (mostly out of financial necessity).

When I went shopping with my friend Vanessa a while ago, I saw a pair of jeans that looked pretty good (and were on sale for $40) and yet I STILL said NO. Yeah, unbelievable… They were nice but impractical because they were total lowriders. My crack was trying desperately to escape the jeans as I just stood there. This is a lovely sight for anyone who has the privilege, by the way. Anyways, when I went to the mall this weekend, they were marked down even further… $15!!!! This was too much for a pantoholic to endure.

So I wore them to school today, because I MUST always wear new clothes right away. I threw on a very long shirt in a last ditch effort to reduce the dangers of capricious crack-flash, also known as passive but persistent plumber-butt… Plus they’re just a tad snug, so I felt a bit like I was being squeezed out the top of them as if out of a tube of toothpaste.

That’s HOT.

But... if I keep the shirt pulled down and don't bend or sit, they look pretty darn good!!!

It's sad that I have to HO out everything else about me just so my butt looks good. But for dirt-cheap hotpants, that's just what I'm going to have to do.

Butt Complex: Update

So last night one of my mini friends asked me to do some jeans shopping with her. It’s almost impossible for me to say no to that, so I went. Dumb move. For one thing, I had banned myself from buying jeans last fall. It seemed that they were quickly taking over my closet while my bank account dwindled miserably. I mean, what’s with this quest for the miracle jeans that will make my J Lo ass look Diaz?

Anyways, so I ended up trying on a lot of jeans. By the end of it, any shred of positive body image I had entering the mall had died a slow and painful death. These jeans were all made for boyish bodies (big waist, no ass, no thighs). In fact this one pair, I have to admit, actually squished my butt into this weird shape that my friend said looked like a squished pillow!!!! What the? A PILLOW??? I could hardly believe my ears! It was kinda true though. They had a 3-way mirror and I could see that big squished pillow larger than life in those glaring fluorescent mall lights. Hmmm… then she proceeded to ask me if her toothpick thighs looked big in those jeans…

Speaking of which, I got some flack from a couple of my friends about my Christmas Conspiracy blog entry. My friend Lisa, who’d given me Body Shop Body Butter (this wonderful moisturizer in Coconut flavour) for Christmas, but who I’d given espresso beans and caramel sauce to, responded humorously:

I also looked at your blog - your revenge plot to fatten your friends has worked - the caramel sauce is almost gone. It's been on many banana splits, cake, lattes and yes I even ate it out of the jar with a spoon last night. Beware - the "Body Butter" was not for ingestion but for topical application only it may cause diarrhea and excessive bloating!

So I responded:

Oh don't worry, that blog was pretty tongue in cheek;) I do love the body butter... I've been enjoying it daily. I haven't ingested it, but hopefully rubbing it on my ass doesn't make it fat.

… I’m starting to wonder, though, after the pillow incident.

Butt Face connection...

Now here's an item that I really wanted for Christmas and didn't get. I love it. I've often thought about the predicament of using your towel one day on your butt and then the next day using the same part on your face! It has actually crossed my mind in the past. So when I saw this online, I thought it was genius! The folks at Stupid.com write:

There's a serious problem in your bathroom that you're not even aware of. After your bath or shower, you might be drying your face with the same part of the towel that dried your butt the day before. Or worse yet, it might have dried someone else's butt! Think about it... using an ordinary towel, you have a fifty-percent chance of getting a face full of butt-tainted terry cloth. Yes, it's revolting, but Stupid.com has a solution.

The ingenious Butt-Face Towel brings sanitary sanity back into your bathroom. It's a quality, terry cloth bath towel with two clearly labeled ends. As you can see in the photos, one half is white with the word "FACE" boldly embroidered. The other end is brown (good color choice) and is embroidered with the word "BUTT."

Simple, no? Each end of the Butt-Face Towel knows its place. The portion you use on your butt and, er, nether regions need never make the revolting journey up to your face again.

Thanks! Now we never have to make the butt-face connection again, unless you choose to... and well, that's your business you sicko!

Ode to Flo

I have a new roommate. It seems to be working out well. She doesn’t watch any sports on TV and seems to like reality TV and entertainment programs. She seems considerate and normal.

Much much MUCH different than my last roomie. Of course, things seem so normal that I may be forced to dial-up the crazy a bit, just to keep the status quo to some extent. This will have to be done with much caution, however. I would like her to stick around a while.

There are a few things I know for sure I won’t experience ever again though, and this makes me miss Flo LOTS. It’s like the end of an era. Here are some convos that have taken place here (that I can remember) over the last couple of years…

Me: Where are you going tonight Flo?
Flo: The beeyar claw.
Me: Where?
Flo: The beerya claw
Me: Where???
Flo: The beeelyar clob.
Me: What club?
Flo: Beeeellyaarrrrd.
Me: Oh the Billiard Club!
Flo: That’s what I said!
(Haha, at the start, at least once a day, this type of conversation would go on.)

Flo: Are you going to leave the house wearing that?
Me: I knew it; I knew there was something wrong with this outfit!
(My friends and I often discussed the fact that Flo wasn’t exactly a ‘metrosexual’, he was just French. Even so, he knew more about fashion than most guys, though it was slanted to his own ‘taste’.)

... Some mornings I wake up and it looks like someone snuck into my room at some point in the night and used my face as a punching bag. One morning was particularly bad and the conversation went like this:
Flo: Are you leaving for school soon?
Me: Yeah, pretty quick here, why?
Flo: [Dead serious] But Meesh, what are you going to do about your face?

Flo: Oh Meesh, those jeans are OWE-FOOL (awful). Look at that (points at my thighs).
Me: Those are called saddlebags Flo.
Flo: What?
Me: SADDLEBAGS. This shall be your English word for the day.

Me: Hey Flo, did you get lucky last night?
Flo: Ah BAH! MEESH!!! I’m not goeeng to tell you that!

Me: So did you hump her?
Flo: What???
Me: New word for the day Flo, “hump”. It’s another word for ‘screw’, ‘have sex with’…
Flo: Ah Meesh… ... How you say it, ‘omp? I will have to use that word at work today! Deed you ‘omp ‘er…
Me: HHHHHUUUmp.

Me: Buuuuuuurrrp!
Flo: Mon Dieu! Meesh!
(Hehe, I love getting that reaction from him.)

Me: Flo, if you’d just give your cereal bowl a quick rinse after you’re done it would so much easier to clean later…
Flo: My mother has been telling me that for 29 years!

Me: Flo, have you been drinking my lemon juice? Look, it was full and then the other day I go to use it and suddenly it’s almost empty!!!
Flo: It was sooo good though… Ok, I will replace Meesh.

Me: Flo, were you eating my bananas?
Flo: Oh, but I thought they were mine Meesh!
Me: No, they’re mine. I was wondering why you kept eating my bananas!
Flo: I was wondering why mine kept disappearing!
Me: You ate yours a long time ago!

Flo: I’m goeeng to rock your bod-DEE, la la la la la la la la la rock your bod-DEE… I should learn the lyrics to Justin Timberlake.
(He used to sing all the time in this weird voice, almost like the most annoying sound in the world put to a melody. I didn’t mind it too much but the cats would always run. The only thing was that he’d always bug me about my singing!)

Me: (singing to System of a Down BYOB and imitating the singer’s deep voice) … Lies from the tablecloth, Lalalalalalalalala ooh-OOH!
Flo: Meesh, stop it! Qu'une horreur!

I never did write about Flo’s going away party. OMG. He got so drunk that he dropped his pants several times on the dance floor. Then he’d bend over in so that all of us girls could slap his ass. During the evening, as soon as he’d spot me on the dance floor, he’d wade through the crowd to give me a big peck (on the lips!) and tell me he loved me. He also slapped my butt once, and a friend of mine’s 3x! And one of those times he even cupped her butt! Perhaps he figured he could burn some bridges because he may not be coming back to Canada! He’s never pulled that shit with us before… that buggah. Anyways, he got booted out of the bar eventually, got home and crawled from the elevator to the apartment and then crawled straight to the toilet. Haha, he wasn’t feeling too well the next day.

Oh wait, that’s one similarity between him and my new roomie, hehe, she was hurling in the toilet this past Sunday after an evening of drinkin’ and dancin’. Ah, it’s good to see that some things don’t change too much.

Veterinarian = Large Inmate?

Some friends of mine told me that their cat's been really cranky lately. I guess he got constipated a while back and had to go to the vet, who ended up having to give him an enema. They said that he “hasn’t been the same since”.

I responded to the story by saying, “Well of course he hasn’t been the same! He was butt-raped!” Getting an enema against his will? That's a violation if I ever heard one.

Nope, the poor lil’ guy will NEVER be the same again.

Getting older

The only thing I have a wee problem with (besides my butt) is my age. I just turned 36 and I can hardly believe it. The person who said “Inside every older person is a younger person wondering ‘what the hell happened?’”was so on target. The only consolation is that as I get older, everyone else is too.

So this past weekend, a couple of friends and I went out to celebrate my 30th birthday. It was pretty cool that people told me I look really good for 30, hehehe. I was actually smart about drinking this weekend too. Both my friends got REALLY drunk, and there I was wandering the bar alone, while they wooed their respective targets for the evening. Yep, the beer goggles were turned way up for them that night. I actually ended up hanging out with a guy who was also celebrating his 30th (what a coincidence!) and we went and got free Jagermeister shooters at the bar. I turned to him and laughed about how my friends were much drunker than I, and it was MY birthday! However I was very thankful the next day. VERY. Especially after my roommate told me he puked and then proceeded to spend the day in a zombie-like state. Normally I don’t feel bad for those who self-induce their illness, however I’ve been feeling really bad about the fact that he lost his mojo sometime ago and has never recovered it. This is a guy who once dated 3 women at one time, at which point I had to have a chat with him about dating morals. Poor guy.

Anyways, so since I’d been wandering the bar alone, trying not to look like too much of a loser, I was quite glad that this boy talked to me and dragged me to the bar for shooters. I’ll refer to him as ‘Jagermeister boy’. We talked about the band, which he agreed was totally awesome. We talked about my shirt (my fave Foo Fighters shirt) and he said it was the reason he came and talked to me. I told him that before we went out my roommate had mentioned 3x that I should change my shirt because it was “just a T-shirt”. I guess he thought I should wear something a little more ho-ish? The cool thing was that Jagerboy didn’t try to go home with me that night, he just asked for my number. Haha. It’s not often you meet a nice guy at the bar and frankly, I’ve given up trying. I just go to get stupid. Though my friend had a guy come up to her and ask if she’d go home with him, point blank. The funny thing is that this is a guy who’s a dj on the radio, and I’d recognized him earlier in the night and pointed him out to my friend. So later when he talked to her, she told him she knew who he was and he asked her how she knew that. She told him it was because she recognized his voice. Hahaha. I think he believed her. Too funny.

Oops, I WAS talking about my birthday and getting older and I totally tossed out a long tangent there. To the point, I continue to be totally at odds with my age. I still feel lost somewhere between 25 and 35. I don’t feel near as old as the math would suggest. I wonder if I SHOULD start acting and dressing in a certain way… more “age appropriate” or something.

On the other hand, I’m tempted to just be me...

I’m going to leave it at that, for now.

My Rear View (evidence)

My butt is so big I just have to turn a little and I can see the thing!

My Rearview

I’ve got BIG problems with my butt (pun intended). Always have. Well, at least since the first time I took a small mirror and looked into it at my ass in the mirror behind me (we call it a ‘butt mirror’). At the time I was literally shocked at my ass. I looked skinny from the front, how can a monstrosity such as that not show from the front view?

Yep. Ever since I’ve had a ‘thing’ about my butt. It’s actually my thighs that are at the root of the problem, literally. I pretty much just don’t like my rear view at all. Everyone knows this. I even take a compact with me shopping, so that I can use the little mirror as a butt mirror. I also like to take HONEST friends shopping with me. Friends that admit, “trust me, don’t buy those”. And cranking your head around doesn’t do the trick; you need full-on butt mirror.

So my friends are honest. No offence taken. I was even telling a friend of mine the other day that I had eaten too much and was really bloated, so bloated in fact that my stomach was huge. He said, “You mean it’s so huge that people mistake it for your butt?” Haha. Another friend sang a song about my ass. I guess that’s a compliment. To top it all off, I thought I was wearing ass-flattering pants out the other night and a guy on the street walked by and turned to me and said “baby’s got back.” Geezuz!

It’s ok. However, NO ONE will ever see my butt sans clothing. Ever. I envy the Cameron Diaz’s of the world that can shake their little itty-bitty tushies on the big screen. But not me... not me and my juicy doubles.

Smoking smells worse than butt…

Besides the obvious reason I hate smoking, which is that it’s taken the lives of people I’ve loved, including almost claiming my sweet Mom’s life… there are many many reasons why I HATE it.

First of all, let’s choose the obvious; it’s a disgusting habit. Smoker’s houses REEK and are covered in brown crap, just like their lungs. In fact, smokers themselves reek, I can tell when a smoker enters a room it smells so bad. And I hate walking behind a smoker around the university. Since they are unable to smoke indoors, they take the opportunity while they walk outside. Inevitably, I end up walking behind them, and breathing in the stench while I’m outside enjoying the weather and trying to enjoy the ‘fresh’ air. If you ask me, walking behind someone who is smoking is worse than walking behind some bloated mofo who just ate kolbassa, draft beer, beans, chili, onions and cabbage, and as a result has the rankest gas EVER. To me, catching a whiff of smoke outside in the supposedly fresh air is just as bad as catching a whiff of rotten onion sulfur farts. And yet smoking is "cool" and farting is socially unacceptable. To my knowledge, farts don’t cause cancer, second hand smoke does.

I got some interesting facts about smoking from this website: http://quitsmoking.about.com/b/a/145263.htm

I guess there’s a list of 599 additives approved by the US government for use in the manufacture of cigarettes! These secret ingredients were finally submitted by the five major American cigarette companies to the Dept. of Health and Human Services in April of 1994.

These additives, plus those naturally in tobacco, result in cigarette smoke having over 4,700 chemical compounds of which about 60 are carcinogenic. Here is a short summary of some of the toxic/carcinogenic compounds:

Carbon Monoxide
Nitrogen Oxides (NO)
Hydrogen Cyanide
Formaldehyde
Acrolein
Acetaldehyde
Ammonia
Hydrazine
Vinyl Chloride
Urethane
2-Nitropropane
Quinoline
Benzo[a]pyrene
Dibenz[a,h]anthracene
Benzo[b]fluoranthene
Benzo[j]fluoranthene
Dibenzo[a,h]pyrene
Dibenzo[a,i]pyrene
Dibenz[a,j]acridine
Indeno[1,2,3-cd]pyrene
Benzo[c]phenanthrene
Benz[a]anthracene
Benzo[e]pyrene
Chrysene
Methylchrysene
Mehtylfluoranthene
Dibenz[a,c]anthracene
Dibenz[a,h]acridine
Dibenzo[c,g]carbazole
Mehtylnaphtalenes
1-Methylindoles
Dichlorostilbene
Catechol
3-Methycatechol
4-Methycatechol
4-Ethycatechol
4-n-Propylcatechol
Nitrosodimethylamine
Nitrosoethymethylamine
Nitrosodiethylamine
Nitrosodi-n-propylamine
Nitrosodi-n-butylamine
Nitrosopyrrolidine
Nitrosopiperidine
Nitrosomorpholine
N'-Nitrosonornicotine
4-(methylnitrosamino)-1-(3-pyridyl)-1-butanone
N'-Nitrosoanabasine
N'-Nitrosoanatabine
Aromatic Amines
Aromatic Nitrohydrocarbons
Polonium-210
Nickel
Arsenic
Cadmium

Even a little second-hand smoke is dangerous. Second-hand smoke can cause cancer, breathing problems, heart disease, and more frequent asthma, pneumonia, colds and flus in the nonsmokers exposed to it.

On the other hand, the ingredients that farts contain are highly variable (depending on what you ate, how long you held the fart in, etc.) and may be negligible. These ingredients are:

Oxygen
Hydrogen
Carbon dioxide
Methane
Hydrogen sulfide
Ammonia

Even though some farts cause breathing problems and asthma-type symptoms, and you might THINK you are dying… according to the site: http://www.heptune.com/farts.html, gas has never killed anyone.

Unless of course some poor soul subjected to living with an extremely gassy person finally couldn’t take it anymore… Don’t laugh, I have known of people at the end of their ropes on this one!

Hahahaha! It’s good when you can start with a rant and end with a laugh:)

Here’s an interesting blog on quitting smoking… http://www.how-to-quit.com/blog/

Preparation H for the face?

Ok, this lady on Oprah just said she uses Premarin vaginal cream and Preparation H on her face and it makes her look younger. I guess a dermatologist told her about it. Premarin cream is actually for vaginal dryness at menopause and contains estrogen (and is made from pregnant mare piss, which is undesirable to apply to the face AND cruel to animals) and Preparation H is for treating hemorrhoids on your BUTT! I hadn’t heard of the Premarin thing, but me and a couple of friends had recently discussed Preparation H for lessening swelling under the eyes. We had wondered if it was safe (or desirable) to put something that was made for your butt, on your face. We weren’t sure what hemorrhoids were exactly, just that we thought they occurred, ahem, on the, uh, brown eye.

It turns out that “75% of Americans will experience symptoms from hemorrhoids at some point in their lives. Rest assured that hemorrhoids are rarely a serious health condition, and are more a bothersome problem that can become painful, causing frustration and making everyday activities more difficult and less enjoyable.” I guess you aren’t really aware that your ass can affect your daily activities until it’s throbbing? And was that 75%??? Those are bad odds for my butt! Although, they did stipulate “Americans,” so perhaps living in the US is more of a pain in the ass! Haha. Not sure what the Canadian stats are…

According to the Prep H quiz, vegetarians, couch potatoes and construction workers are at risk for hemmorhoids! Gee, I’d better not become any of those! Click here if you want to check out your hemmy knowledge…

Weird.

Anyways, back to the eye application theory. We figured that if you did decide to try Prep H on the eyes, you should probably have 2 tubes: one solely for the butt, and one only for the eyes.

After all, with one tube you may forget… and DOUBLE DIP!!!!!!!


To see my update on using Preparation H on the face, click here.