Today I was laughing so hard that I was clapping and crying at the same time. Holy I haven’t laughed quite that hard in a while. I don’t know, maybe I’m still tired.
Let me explain.
A friend of mine put me onto this website called The Onion. Just reading the headlines cracks me up. The article Everything That Can Go Wrong Listed totally killed me. They write, “We are mere weeks from finishing one of the most thorough and provocative scientific surveys of our time… The catalog of every possible unfortunate scenario will complete the work of the ancient Phoenicians and the early Christian theologians. Soon, every hazardous possibility will be known to man… And listed.”
This is the excerpt from “Project Awry” that struck my funnybone so profoundly.
Perhaps I can contribute to their database. I’m sure these must be in there, but I should email them in, just in case…
More things that can go wrong:
Get kicked off your houseboat and left to drown; trip off the catwalk; armageddon; discover huge hanger in your nose at end of the day; giggle in church; fall in shower and die; lose remote control; get run-over jaywalking; can’t get it up; radio plays annoying song over and over; supervisor wants to see you; email trash talk to the wrong friend; fall through manhole; sleep with nursing home patient; attempt to mug Crocodile Dundee; fart in phone booth; purse contents emptied at airport security; forget kid at school; king-size deluxe vibrator is found, not by you; fall asleep at wheel; clothes catch fire; aliens abduct and perform butt-probe; body odour; wake up before alarm; cat pukes on favourite sweater; sandwich falls apart; get pushed out of helicopter; pap smear; eat too much; nominated for Darwin award; spill hot drink on crotch; fly over bike handlebars; building collapses; police bust you for urinating in public; trick wrong person; end up on internet priceless ad; forget name; hurt back on dance floor; born with webbed toes; tampon overflow; get passed over for reality series “Average Joe”; trapped in mosh pit wearing thong sandals; underwear is showing; drive down street wrong way; attempt to fly; plug toilet at friend's house; drink too much at company Christmas party; can’t light campfire; leave drink on car roof; swear in front of Grandma; can’t walk straight; credit card rejected on date; spit flies from mouth during job interview; trapped in walk-in freezer; step in doody; global warming; lose contact lens; computer virus obliterates whole thesis; snowmobile through barbed-wire; watch 40Year Old Virgin with your parents; reveal top-secret Walmart cheer on the radio; bathroom stinks; blackmail; forget birth control pill; drop keys in grate; fall for new penis-enlargement drug ad, try it, backfires; slip on banana peel; car explodes; step on tack; kidnapped into sex slavery; house plant dies; Jesus doesn’t return; ; wrongly accused; can't get porn-popups off family computer; hit yielder at merge sign; forget to pick up dry cleaning, pay to see “The Hulk” in movie theatre; quit grad studies with looming student debt…
4 comments:
I trust there is no comparison as to the degree of "badness" to the incidents in your list.
Otherwise we will have to send you therapy money for being kidnaped into sex slavery even though it was only the movie "the 40 year old virgin" with your parents!
Dad.
Hey, it's Saturday and no whining. Hope you didn't whine yourself empty yesterday!
1) I think I emptied the "therapy kitty" LONG AGO,
2) I did whine myself empty yesterday, in fact I may not post for several days after that colossal regurgitation, and
3) The pressure is killing me! My dear dear fans, I MUST be able to take a day off here and there;)Blog burnout is all too common an affliction these days.
Aw, come on. Just a little whine. I think we've become addicted to it!.
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