Tis the season to have a chuckle

You know how they say that *suicide rates are higher around the holidays? Well, apparently this is a total myth!!! However, they (how can we EVER tell when "they" are right and when "they" are wrong? They are bloody confusing I tell ya!) say that rates of depression are actually higher over the holidays. This doesn't surprise me. The days are shorter, increasing incidence of SAD (seasonal affective disorder) and there is a bit of longing for those who are missing loved ones or don't have anyone close to them.

Anyhoo. This is why we need a laugh or few over the holidays!!! Hence today's post. I could tell you a Christmas joke or two... however, whereas me telling a joke may make you want to kill yourself, these -- Christmas themed cartoons -- will get you laughing in the spirit of the season.

Mark Parisi, you make me chuckle.


*Interesting sidenote from Suicide rates - Focus:
According to the World Health Organization (WHO), someone around the globe commits suicide every 40 seconds. In the year 2000, 815,000 people lost their lives to suicide - more than double the number of people who die as a direct result of armed conflict every year (306,600).

Another sidenote for comparison from (can't find reference right now):
Apparently in the U.S. alone, tobacco kills more than 430,000 citizens each year —more than alcohol, cocaine, heroin, homicide, suicide, car accidents, fire, and AIDS combined. Woah.


Now go check out the comics!!!! Sheesh!

Hibernation via Haagen Dazs

There's a reason why I usually have a giant-sized coffee after lunch rather than half a pint of Vanilla Caramel Latte ice cream.

Coffee: 150 calories with 250 mg caffeine.
Ice cream: 600 calories (and not enough caffeine to wake a sleeping fly).

The question I must ask myself today: Why would I want to maximize both caloric intake and lethargy at the same time?

I don't know. I really don't. The coffee is usually just as good. Luckily Nate took home the Triple Chocolate, or I'd be in triple fat storage mode! Eeek!

I think my body wants to hibernate. Damn you impending winter, damn you!

ps. This is further proof that education doesn't necesarily lead to better choices.

Working at home

Yesterday I was working at home. This may seem like an ideal situation, but it's wrought with challenges for my weakling little self. Some of these are as follows:

- Sedentation. Lack of movement causes stiffness and soreness and I didn't even DO anything! What the? This one isn't so good for an expanding butt either.

- Boredom. Usually when I'm bored of working on spreadsheets at home, there's the fridge. But I'm trying real hard not to snack lately. At one point the banana on the counter by my desk and I had a pretty good stare-down. It's amazing how good that banana looks when you can't have it.

- Random thoughts. Working at home makes you vulnerable to a wandering mind. Thinking about how badly I wanted that banana made me ponder the phenomenon I call unrequited proximity infatuation. That is... Someone is around a lot. You can't have them. Suddenly they become the most delectable thing on the planet. Ugh. Damn you banana! Tease.

- Spontaneous ADD. Anything, and I mean anything can be distracting when trying to work at home. I mentioned the fridge. Phone calls to catch up on. There's laundry to do. (Especially washing things that haven't been washed in 15 years. Hey, Garfield had fun!) ... I finally cut my toenails (I'm sure you really wanted to know that). Emailed some people several times. I read blogs and commented on blogs (and proceeded to make typos which made the comment mean the opposite of what I'd meant to write!!! Sheesh!) Incidentally, this blog post --Spotting Trends-- totally cracked me up... Then there was my cat giving me her irresistable you know you wanna come over here and give me hugs and kisses look. Oh, and I took photos of snowflakes. What??? C'mon, they were HUGE!



Now before you call me a total slacker, you should know that I did get some work done! Ah whatever, you're going to call me names anyways. Sticks and stones... You're rubber I'm glue... No, YOU'RE weak!

Lunch break is officially OVER. Bye.

Breaking even on the winter tires

Recently, and for the first time ever, I bought winter tires. Expensive... to the tune of 450 bones. It hurt. However, my deductible is $500 and so far I've avoided countless accidents, so I figure they've already paid for themselves.

Not sure if that's just because I'm driving like a stunt chick or what.

The Summit!

A few of us were in Banff this past weekend and of course you can't go to Banff and NOT do some mountain climbing. It was awesome, I got some great shots when we got to the summit.

This is the view... it was breathtaking. The next shot is of one of the guys (I didn't ask his permission to post this, that's why I've concealed his identity.) So after I took this photo, I asked him to take mine. It's not every day that you climb a huge mountain and reach the peak, in the dead of winter no less...

So this is the photo he took of me...

Yeah... I took HIS photo in such a way that it didn't look like we were PRETENDING to have climbed this huge mountain to the incredible summit. I didn't realize until AFTERWARDS that he not only got the fence in the shot, but also what can easily be identified as the Sulfur Mountain Gondola in the background! Yeah, I'm soooooo cool. Thanks man.

It was a pretty awesome view though. I'd recommend it.

Brrrrr!!!

It's cold out there folks! I can just hear it now. I can predict with 100% certainty, that in the next few days I'm going to hear the following phrase: Is it cold enough for ya? Like I mentioned in a previous post , people have GOT to come up with something better, anything! That phrase is covered in lamesauce, thicker than creamcheese icing on a bad carrot cake in a feeble attempt to make it taste good. When the temperature dips this low, I LOVE my hot showers even more. I cannot stand in there long enough or have the water hot enough. The most retarded products to use when you're trying to warm up, however, are shampoos, conditioners and body cream with peppermint or menthol in it. It doesn't make sense. First I have a shower to warm up, but then I freeze my ass off with minty freshness!? I looked at the ingredients in my bone-chilling moisturizer and sure enough, it contains menthol. Attention all companies selling products in Canada during 8 winter months of the year: I live in the Great White North, I don't NEED a "cooling sensation." If I want to be "cooled", I'll go and jump in the nearest snowbank, thanks. Weird, I didn't notice this before, but this cream also has lanolin in it. Oh geez. I didn't know I was spreading a greasy yellow substance secreted by the sebaceous glands of wool-bearing animals on my skin. Ewww! I can't imagine taking an animal's skin-grease (or even a human's) and using it to moisturize.

Hey Dan, my hands are really dry right now and I see that your hair is exceptionally greasy today, can I rub my hands in it? Ahh, that's better. Thanks. Now all I need is some minty freshness, cuz my hands just aren't cold enough right now. Oh but they are stinky. Maybe I will take a dash of mint with that after all...

Cold enough for ya?

Who says that? Can you think of something a little more original? Any reference to the weather is cliché anyways. Of course, in a formal setting, more interesting chitchat about the weather may not be appropriate. You can’t exactly make conversation by saying, “Are those nipcicles or are you happy to see me?” or “Man, my car was harder to get warmed up this morning than my wife after watching yet another Oprah show on how much men suck.”

Tis the season to be hairy

We’ve come to that time of year… Winter + No boyfriend = LEG HAIR GROWING SEASON. It’s kind of scary actually. I wonder if hair actually grows faster in cold weather? And is there a max length it can reach? Boys? I’m assuming your leg hair stays the same length? Does it get thicker as you age or just migrate to your back? Anyways, I don’t even recognize my legs anymore. I look down in the shower and scream for a second until I realize those are my legs and not some primate intruder’s.

That brings me to another puzzling question. They say fat distribution is genetically determined, however, isn’t it there to keep us warm? Furthermore, is it possible that we gain more fat where we get really cold? I wouldn’t be surprised if this is the case because I always bundle up on top, but on the bottom I only have a thin layer of denim between myself and the cold. It seems logical and the proof is evident. My body seems to be laying down insulation like crazy down there!

So it follows that there’s only one answer to this situation… If I wear down-filled snow pants all the time and keep it all toasty down there, then perhaps my legs will slim down PLUS my leg hair will cease its takeover. It’s a win-win situation. But that’s only Part 1 of this brilliant plan, the best idea EVER is Part 2. Yes indeed, this is GENIUS! Wait though… Come to think of it, there may be finger pointing and even car accidents. "Keep it in the circus!" Children and adults alike would run screaming. "Freeeaaak!!!" Plus I’d ruin a lot of clothes as I cut out the chest area on all of them. Most importantly: is the risk of frostbite on the nips really worth it?

Hmm. I may have to abandon this experiment until I think it through a little more. The theory seemed sound, but in practice it may not work out so well. For now I guess I’ll put up with the sasquatch legs [Hey look, it's Big Foot!!!] …or just give in and get out the ol’ weed wacker.