The rules for drinkin'

I don’t drink that much anymore. I used to get very drunk every weekend, which isn’t the smartest thing to do. And it lead to MUCH DUMBER decisions than simply the (lack of) intelligence of the drinking itself. I probably culled, I mean killed, A LOT of brain cells. You see, drinking is not a necessity but a recreational sport to me. Like any sport, it involves having as much fun as possible while attempting to follow the rules. Unfortunately, the more drink there is, the less likely it is that rule-following will occur.

The way I figure it, the rules are:

1. Avoid pissing anyone off too much, especially friends. Fun at the expense of friends cannot always be excused by the phrase “it was the alcohol”. Pissing off strangers is fair game, just be ready to face the consequences.

2. Try to avoid pissing off the bar staff… In other words, don’t get kicked out of the bar. This is particularly sucky if you were having fun and the night gets cut short by an unfortunate dismissal. They don't take well to excuses and pleading simply strokes their ego.

3. Know when to quit drinking. There are times that for some reason, even though you are tanked to the gills, you want even more. Not a good idea. Further from this, if you decide to drink at home before the bar to save money, DO NOT go ahead and drink the same amount you would have anyways. This is a difficult concept to grasp and even more difficult to put into practice... believe you me.

4. Do not hang out with a friend of the opposite sex that you find even mildly attractive. Under the influence they suddenly become irresistible. Unfortunately they revert back to their former self when the alcohol disappears from your body, but the memories don't fade so quickly.

5. Be aware of the beer goggles with strangers as well. Be careful who you give your phone number to. Again, alcohol can amplify a person’s ‘hotness factor’, particularly when they are wearing their best duds in the dimly lit bar environment. When they call you and you go on a date, those beer goggles are not there and you’ll be left wondering what the hell you saw.

6. Do not smooch a guy on the dance floor. Although this may be wild and crazy and fun and hot at the time, it is inexcusably bad behavior and you will be shaking your head in disbelief the next day. And God forbid, dry humping is absolutely off limits! Get a fricken room!

7. Try not to steal things or piss on parked cop car tires. A good idea while drunk is a bad idea when you have to explain your actions to the person you dial on your one phone call.

8. Gauge whether to have sex based on how drunk you are. If you’d rate it at about an 8 (on a 5 point scale)… not a good scene. Don’t gauge whether you can drive by the same system. If you “feel okay” to drive, it has nothing to do with whether you really can or should. Take a cab you moron!

9. For the love of God, please eat a good dinner before you go out and then have a snack and drink LOTS of water when you return home. It makes ALL the difference. Especially if you are a hundred pounds soaking wet and for some hairbrained reason you try to drink your 200 pound buddy under the table. You’ll be the one on the floor, not your boozehound pal.

Keeping these rules in mind... Let the games begin!!!