The real fans are embarrassed!

This is unreal. I don't remember the Red Mile in Calgary being this bad... Was it? Mind you, I was there for game 6 when they lost the cup...

Not that I'm a "real" fan of the Oilers. Being from Flames country I've got an ingrained hate for the Oilers that's just not that easy to let go;)

I'm happy they're winning though. Go Oilers! (Yikes, that was difficult to get out.)

Go Alberta! Go Canada!!!

Anyways, I was down on Whyte Ave on the long weekend when the Oil won. It wasn't that bad. I hope the freaks stay home next time. I've been known to do some obnoxious things under the influence, but this is really effed up.

I'm so totally KICKASS!

Lately, I've been writing a lot of letters to granting agencies and telling them why they should give me money, ahem, travel awards.

Here's a sample:

The meeting in Rome will allow me to present these novel results to an international group with a wide range of expertise, all pertaining directly or indirectly to my area of research. It will also give me an excellent opportunity at this critical time in my career to make contact with some of the foremost researchers in cardiovascular disease from around the world. These contacts will be pivotal in my future career decisions.

I could explain how in Italy "the boys and weather are hot, the food and wine are awesome and siteseeing is spectacular," but I don't think they'd be impressed. Jen thinks I need to put the word 'kickass' in there somewhere, like "Rome is so kickass" or "I'm so totally kickass." One thing is sure, slipping 'kickass' in the letter would make my application stand out from the rest! My supervisor may nix that idea... Although I should squeak it in there before he reads it tomorrow to see if I can make him laugh. I did that once before when I gave him an abstract to read.

I snuck this in at the end:

Conclusion: Sleep and socializing time has significantly decreased as a result of this study and is highly and positively correlated with the amount of data generated from our analyses. Hopefully we can eventually conclude something profound.

Then he didn't even read the conclusion! It's a bummer when you have to point out your joke to someone and THEN they laugh... Takes the punch out of it.

Anyways, I figure that probably the intellectual equivalent of kickass will do. Jen suggested 'exemplary.' Hey, that's one adjective I hadn't used yet. I think I should get Jen to help me write stuff more often, after all, she won a technical writing award for a paper that got published recently!!! That little grad-shark!

The Dentist

This Far Side cartoon is funny because we've ALL been there.

I'm truly an anti-dentite. I dated a dentist once... At one point I even let him work on my teeth. I was used to a female dentist, so his huge hands made for a very very long and excruciating visit.

I've had way too many excruciating visits, so I hate the dentist with good reason.

You'd think that maybe laughing gas would help. Not. They overdosed me on the stuff once... NO ONE was laughing when they had to suction the puke out of my mouth.

Good times.

My so-called friends...

I'd like to know what the deal is with some of my friends. My parents have been wondering who the heck is always leaving freaky comments on my blogs. I tell them that I think a lot of the anonymous comments are from people I know, not the stalker weirdos that they suspect...

Case in point, this conversation I had on instant messenger with a friend of mine who will remain anonymous (just the way my friend's like it, it seems). I'll leave her name as "2:22 half marathon" (of course I'm "El Pauncho Humungo", owing to the fact that I had East Indian Buffet again last night, ugh).

El Pauncho Humungo says: so, who the H commented on my mad ladies blog? someone from nova scotia!!!
2:22 half marathon! says: heh heh heh no one!
El Pauncho Humungo says: me not being female? i don't get it
2:22 half marathon! says: HAHAHAHA i was just in the mood
El Pauncho Humungo says: geezuz
2:22 half marathon! says: there's nothing to get
El Pauncho Humungo says: you wanted to get a reaction
2:22 half marathon! says: guess so figured you'd know who did it
El Pauncho Humungo says: cuz i almost went awol on ya
2:22 half marathon! says: i couldnt think of anything smarter... THAT would have been funny! ...im laughing now
El Pauncho Humungo says: well, except that i thought it was the retard from calgary who comments [I think I know who that is too]
2:22 half marathon! says: hahahahaha!
El Pauncho Humungo says: i need new friends... NICE ONES ...haha
2:22 half marathon! says: hahahaha ... oh man ...i kill me
El Pauncho Humungo says: i mean, one accuses me of giving the mad caddies BJs, another calls me a pedophile, and yet another wonders if I'm really female?
2:22 half marathon! says: HAHAHA
El Pauncho Humungo says: unbelievable

Hey people and especially my dear friends, if you're going to comment as anonymous then that's fine, just know that you're a CHICKENSHIT!

Meanies!!!

The Evolution of Dance

Check out this video: The Evolution of Dance

That fish flop is classic! Haven't we all whipped out some of this guy's moves at one point or another? I've definitely either witnessed or attempted the Ice Ice Baby, Can't Touch This and What Is Love routines!!! I would have liked to see him do "Like a Virgin" and "Praise You." He also could have done some Offspring to round out the evolution.

All in all, a pretty good show.

The Mad Ladies

You can get a sense of the mood we were in before the Mad Caddies concert the other week. To be fair, we'd had a couple of drinks. And Nancy was killing me with her 100% exuberance. You can totally hear Jen and Nate laughing in the background. For those of you who know us... I'm sure you'll get a good chuckle and shake your heads while thinking "it figures." For those of you who stumble on this little video by accident... Sorry.

Hey, we didn't make up these dance moves... Chuck has actually used some of these on stage!!! I think? Ok, we probably made a couple up... Hope you enjoy!

ps. Now that I can video post, there may be a few showing up here and there! Perhaps that one of Jen breakdancing would be postworthy;)

I can see your underwear!!!

Why do kids laugh when they see someone's underwear? And why is it funny for kids to see it, but with adults it's cool to have it showing out the top'o the pants? Apparently it's not so cool for girls to have their thong showing above low-rider jeans. I don't know... Guys? Is that hot? One thing that's not so hot to have showing is pantylines. Even Oprah says that's not cool.

Panties is a funny word... It makes me want to sing, "You're wearing panties, na na na na na!!!" Maybe that's what kids are laughing at, the word itself... And what about gonch? GONCH??? As if underwear isn't already weird and embarrassing enough, they have to call it panties and gonch!!!

And then of course, there's always the option to go commando. I started doing it when I was a little girl. One day my parents noticed and asked me why I wasn't wearing undies. I explained that I didn't want the other kids to see it and make fun of me... Guess it seemed like an easy solution in my little girl-brain. I've always wondered why it's so rude to go sans panties though. Grandmas the world over are collectively gasping at the thought. Commando is a big no-no. It means you're a ho, no? However, my friend's grandma told her to go without underwear while sleeping because she needed to "let her bum breathe." So ok at night but not during the day?

Going commando has it's advantages. It can save you lots of money on buying and washing skivies. And apparently even commandos go commando... "going without can increase ventilation and reduce moisture in a soldier's battle dress uniform, which in turn can minimize his chances of getting a rash or crotch rot, a fungal infection of the groin."

Croth rot? Yikes. Sounds like a good reason to shed the shorts! Just please, be careful zipping up!

Holy Shitballs!

That's it, I’m officially changing some of my frequently used phrases.

In particular, I’m not saying “Know what I mean, Vern?” anymore. My light bulb moment was one day when I overheard this old guy say it to his kid. What the? I had no choice but to drop it instantly. It’s tough to let go of a compulsive habit like that.

A while ago I’d successfully dropped “holy shitballs!” from my daily repertoire (no explanation needed there). Sometimes you don't know how dumb you sound until you hear your recorded voice one day. Plus Flo hated it. It was tough going but I emerged victorious! Like any bad habit I had to replace it with something else. I started by substituting part of a word at first. Baby steps… So it was “holy shitknockers!” (which, face it, isn’t much better) and then “holy fuckballs!” (which I actually like a lot but unfortunately it gets an unsavoury R-rating rather than the colloquial PG that made holy shitballs! so versatile in the first place).

I did find a use for the word shitball though. I love using it as a term of endearment. As in:

"Hey shitball… How goes it?"

"Goin’ alright… A little fogheaded today though. Know what I mean Vern?"

"Holy shitballs, do I EVER!"

Sorry, I guess I just had to get those out one of my system one last time... I promise. That was REALLY the LAST time. If I ever say it again you can slap me upside the head.

I need to get some original stuff goin'. None of this I saw it on a commercial 20 years ago shit. Oh man, if that's the case then I might as well roll out "ancient Chinese secret" or "gag me with a spoon." Yikes. And copying the movies is just lame... i.e. "righteous!" or "no way... WAY" or "lahoo-zaherrrrr"... or even "hello McFly."

I'm going to have to make some shit up. And it's going to be good. Err, it at least has to SOUND original. As Einstein said, the secret to originality is knowing how to hide your sources. Or something like that.

This was officially the dumbest blog entry EVER.

Buh-bye now.

Food or Fix?

There are some foods that I DO NOT keep around the house. They are like crack cocaine and I’m the junkie ho. One example of this is fresh baking. Baked items are NOT allowed here in quantities more than ONE or TWO servings. Yep, I learned this the HARD WAY (seems to be how I learn most things in life). Prime example: I made chocolate chip cookies once and ate TWELVE right as they came out of the oven. Mmmmm coooookieeeees. Oh man I felt sick to my stomach after that.

Another prime example is my mom’s apple/rhubarb crisp recipe. OMG that stuff is yummy (but holy mama, fattening as hell). When I make apple or rhubarb crisp, this is usually what goes down:
1) Dish myself out a big bowlful. Add ice cream if available. Enjoy every last bite.
2) Lick the bowl (ah the luxury of eating alone at home).
3) Sit and think about how good it was and how a little bit more wouldn’t hurt.
4) Dish out second bowl; a much more modest portion than the first time.
5) Repeat #2.
6) Repeat #3.
7) Pull dish out of fridge, stand at counter and savour a few more spoonfuls. Replace lid and return dish to fridge.
8) Repeat #3. Think about the fact that the more I eat now, the less I’ll have there to tempt me tomorrow.
9) Repeat #7... indefinitely.

Several days later I have to buy larger pants. And they say crack is an expensive habit!!!

So recently, after being sick and having a stomach ache for a few days with no appetite, I got what I call "the rebound munchies". Yes, my appetite has been larger than life lately… And what is my drug of choice? Honey Nut Cheerios baby. Tonight I had to actually order myself to...

PUT THE CHEERIOS DOWN AND SLOWLY BACK AWAY FROM THE BOX.

Honey Nut Cheerios are now officially a banned substance around this place.

Cheerio Cheerios!

Sniffle.

... Just one more bowl?

Cammy Craze

I have to admit, the other day I bought some new camouflage Capri pants and I LOVE them! Now if I ever need to hide in the forest, I’d successfully avoid detection.

That is, unless they catch the glare off my white legs. (Not sure who the hypothetical "they" are... but you can bet they're really scary and being detected would probably be a bad thing. Take my word for it.)

It was weird though, AFTER I bought the pants I noticed that every second person is wearing camouflage!!! Dammit. (You know, kind of like how you didn't realize how many of a certain type of car are out there until you and your boyfriend break up and then you see 'his' car everywhere.) Anyways, I really didn’t mean to jump on the cammy craze bandwagon. I hate bandwagons! When it comes to fashion, I guess I'd rather folly than follow. Not saying that's a good thing...

So today I figured out why people are crazy about the cammy and it’s not because you can successfully hide in the forest. It IS because of the camouflaging nature of the garment, however. You see, everything is camouflaged by these magic pants… the mud that splattered up on my ass this morning from my bike, the chocolate I sat in on my chair, the coffee I spilled on myself after lunch…

I LOVE these pants!!!

The Buffet Hangover

I think the scientific whizzes behind buffet food have some work to do. I mean, if the restaurateurs (particularly those who own East Indian joints that have regular buffets) want to make lots of dough, wouldn’t it make sense that the food expands INSTANTLY in your stomach so you eat less? As opposed to what usually happens, which is expanding a half hour AFTER you’ve wolfed down the maximum amount of food humanly possible.

You see, if it expanded instantly, they could serve more people with less food AND the customers also wouldn’t be in rolling around in pain for hours and hours after leaving their restaurant.

Sounds pretty win-win to me!

Of course us buffet goers could just learn to control ourselves...

COULD HAPPEN.

Plus, we need to get our money’s worth, right? And if pain is part of that package, then that’s just the sacrifice we’ll have to make. It’s kind of like a hangover… delicious fun at the time but whoa nelly do you pay for it later!!!

Smell-o-vision

According to Wikipedia:

Smell-o-vision is the name given to a type of film where the viewer can 'smell' what is happening in the movie. The technique was created in 1960 by Mike Todd, Jr., son of film producer Mike Todd. The process injected 30 different smells into a movie theatre's seats when triggered by the film's soundtrack.

It goes on to say that ...

Problems propagating scents in sync with the film and flushing the scents out between each showing led to Smell-o-vision's early demise.

Wow, I never knew about this! Recently though, it looks like technology may have revived the idea of smell-o-vision. See this article I came across recently:

Japan moviegoers get whiff of smellovision...

JAPAN (KP International) Two cinemas in Japan are adding smell to the movie-going experience, and have chosen Irish hunk Colin Farrell's latest film for their debut.

The inaugural smelly flick will be last year's historical flop 'The New World' starring Farrell, Christian Bale, Christopher Plummer and young and talented newcomer Q'Orianka Kilcher.

When there are romantic scenes, audiences will smell a floral fragrance; a mix of peppermint and rosemary will accompany the heartrending moments; an orange and grapefruit citrus scent symbolizes joy; and an herbal-blend with a tang of tea tree and eucalyptus will accent anger.

The scents will circulate through the theatre via machines filled with fragrant liquids located under the back row seats.

I have a few concerns regarding smell-o-vision...

For one thing, I wouldn’t want to go to a movie with much toilet humour in it! Could you imagine the toilet scene in Dumb and Dumber? Instead of laughing when someone farted in a movie, with the raunchy smell being pumped into the theatre, there would no doubt be tons of groaning from the audience. Would farts in movies cease to be funny if you smelt one every time someone dealt one? I think so.

Would watching “Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas” result in a hotbox theatre?

And finally, perfect images of men on screen being all romantic already drives us women crazy… to pump the smell of axe body spray into the theatre would probably result in riots!

Daily Dancer

If you really need a good grin some days, check out this blog where the guy dances purely for your entertainment. If you're an aspiring dancer, you may want to practice some of his moves.

Daily Dancer

Keep on dancin', my friend.


p.s. It's funny to check out the expressions on people's face when their hardcore given'er on the dance floor... Like the daily dancer in his routine: Hips Don't Lie.

You know you're sick when...

You don't even have the energy to sit upright long enough to check your email.

The couch that tends you glue your ass to it on a good day has now become the COUCH OF DEATH.

You watch so much TV that your eyes start to bleed. You prove that there really is something to watch every hour for 12 hours straight.

The huge Lindt Gold Bar you bought is still sitting there on the counter, untouched.

You lay there in fetal position... moaning. The cat stares at you but you keep moaning anyways.

You can feel the bed sores starting to form. Your muscles ache, not from exercise but from lying down too much.

Even though you feel nauseous and can imagine yourself spewing all over the coffee table, you can't seem to muster the energy to get up and get a puke bucket.

You stink, look like hell, just sharted in your PJ's... and couldn't care less.

The People Upstairs

What are the people upstairs doing all the time? They move furniture on hardwood floors, sometimes every day for a week. Last night they dropped something hard on the floor (and it bounced, don't ask me what that would be) and it made such a loud noise that it scared the crap out of my flighty cat (who was perched on my belly and instantly to springboarded off it, using her claws as leverage. Ouch!). Anyways, she quite often walks around the apartment with heels on in the middle of the day (I'm assuming it's the 'she' part of the couple) and someone clomps around back and forth from one end of the apartment to the other at all hours. At times it sounds like they're having a hopscotch race wearing giant work boots. Once in a while it’s so loud that I wonder if maybe I’m being noisy and they’re doing it on purpose as some sort of twisted (and useless) idea of a ‘hint’. Well, hints don’t work with me!

They don’t seem like the hinting type though, since one time we were sanding a door with an electric sander and he showed up to say that it was deafening up there. So I’m assuming that if there was an issue, he’d come down and tell me.

It was good that he came down and said something. Not just to open communication but also because I can now put a face to the people upstairs. I didn’t know who it was before but now I know that it’s this couple I see around here all the time. I also now know who the hell is having all that sex. This place is usually pretty soundproof besides the furniture shifting and clomping. So it was weird a while back when I heard a whimpering coming from above. At first I thought it was a dog whining. Then I thought it was someone suffering. It crossed my mind that maybe I should call 911 because it sounded terrible. She was sobbing and sobbing... Then the sobbing gave way to yelps of pain.

Then it became clear. This was not yelps of pain but yelps of pleasure.

Good thing I didn’t call 911.

It was soooo much fun!!!

The Mad Caddies ROCKED.

I lost my shirt. Uh, not that way (you're naughty!)... the Caddies t-shirt I bought in the crowd somewhere. I was sad.

Bygones.

The Fat Guy

Peter on The Family Guy is shown NAKED way too much.

Maybe they should change rename that show The Fat Guy.

Slowly I'm becoming desensitized to the extremely fat male form... naked. Ok, maybe not THAT desensitized. Although between Homer and Peter, I've seen way too many roly-poly cartoon characters in their tightie whities. Strangely enough they are completely hairless, which is usually the opposite of what you'd find in the real world* (see Hot or Not??? for an example).

They should show more fatty females in the buff on TV. It would make the rest of us gals feel better since the only naked chicks we ever see are Victoria Secret models and Playboy bunnies... uh yeah, and then ourselves. Ugh.

Let's see some reality please!


*Perhaps if they had more hairy dudes on TV, then guys would know it's ok to be fat AND hairy. Err... maybe it would take the cartoonist way too long to draw all the hairs... Never thought of that. Or is there another reason?

David Blaine is a Weirdo

That David Blaine guy is quite the weirdo. I've heard of stunts people pull for attention. This guy takes it a little bit too far. Tonight is the finale of his latest man in water bubble stunt...

Apparently some of his fans are a little crazy too:

One young man stood in line for a few minutes, and when he got to the front of the bubble, displayed a sign to Mr. Blaine that said, "I'm in love with you. You inspire me." In place of the word love, the man, Victor Henao, 22, had drawn a red heart.

Bizarre.

One thing, he certainly couldn't sneak out a fart with all those people watching. I wonder if onlookers laugh and point when he lets a few stink-bubbles go...

Hot or Not???

There's this website called Hot or Not. I checked it out after reading an article in Psychology Today about how hot you think you are compared to how others percieve you. They said that you're probably hotter than you think and that this can be tested by posting a picture on this Hot or Not site.

I don't know if I have the guts to post a photo... I'd be tempted to post my best photo for a possible ego boost. This seems counterproductive to me because the point is to find out what people think of the real you. Truthfully, I'd be scared to post a photo of the real me though, because some people get really low ratings and I imagine they're just CRUSHED. I'm an optimist and I don't need that kick in the pants! I also thought about posting this butt ugly photo of myself as a joke, but that picture cannot ever get out. I don't want that thing circulating out there in cyberspace!!! It's some sweet blackmail material. Although I think Rose has a copy... RATS!!!

So anyways, on this site you rate people on their hotness factor. It's interesting to see what you think is hot and how others rated people. I get the feeling that 'hotness' has nothing to do with good looks, because some of the ratings really baffled me.

So I actually rated Guy#1 below an 8. I'm usually pretty nice about my ratings, because most people are hot to some extent, and I consider myself a 'potential-seer' (which you'd think is cool but definitely has it's own drawbacks when choosing men to date, but that's a topic for another blog). What shocked me was that others rated this guy a 4.5!!! 4.5? That's pretty miserable... Poor kid! That's especially shocking when you look at the freakshow Guy#2 below him and see that he got a fricken 3.7!!! Am I the only one that finds this strange? Hahaha. No comparison. Then look at the bizarre-lookin' dude #3... He got a 6.7!!! I'm missing the potential in that one. He doesn't even look NICE and friendly, let alone HOT. And what's he doing with his shirt off? I don't think that adds to his appeal! Err... maybe it did to someone?

In the end, I rated boy #4 as the hottest out of all the guys I saw on that site. Wow. He is a hottie. I think he got a 9.8. Yeah, no argument here.

Guy#1

Guy#2

Guy#3

Guy#4

The Mad Caddies are coming!!!

The Mad Caddies are so much fun to see live. I have to see them whenever they're in town!!!
If you want to check out their music, go to Fat Wreck and scroll down and get some songs:)

My friend Nancy and I met them a few years ago at the Ship in Calgary the night before Van's Warped tour. She was bashing their new album, unknowingly, to their trombone player. Hahaha. The rest of the Caddies were behind us the whole time! In our defense, we'd only heard the new album once or twice at that point. Anyways, we had a lot of fun with them that night (everything from setting off firecrackers to singing Sublime tunes) and got to see them play at Van's the next day.

Good times.

So Sad...

My suitcase lies, mostly unpacked, across the entrance to my closet and washroom.

It's sad because I know that I'll trip over it at least a hundred more times before I decide to pick it up.

And it's even sadder that this is what I have to write about today... Ha.


Oh and I have one other thing to say: I get to watch DVDs and have pizza and root beer tonight!!! Yay! Now I'm all happy.

I'm Baa-ack!

Well, I'm back. A part of me would still like to be 'away'. Ah, to be 'away' means to be somewhat free of all my responsibilities here. There is no escape from me though. Unfortunately, I also cannot fire myself as the manager of my own life. I mean, I've never met a more useless manager! I let myself slack off, stay up way too late, enjoy a little too much beer on a hot afternoon, eat loads of chocolate and ice cream and date the wrong men.

That's it, I'm FIRED!

It was a swell job while it lasted.


I took this picture from the plane on the way home. I love it. It's like where my head is most of the time... in the clouds.

It sure is sunny up there...

Tornado Watch!!!

Ok so I'm a bit of a wimp. Severe thunderstorms make me nervous in the first place... Then I find myself smack dab in a high rise hotel in the middle of Tornado Alley, throw in a huge thunderstorm that makes me jump outta my skin and then have the TV say that there's a "Tornado Watch."

Probably no big deal to someone who lives here? Eeek!


Update: There's now a "Tornado Warning" but it's east of here, so all should be good. Yippee!

St. Louis!