Buon Pomeriggio!

Yay!!! We're in Roma!

 

Besides the fact that we couldn't find our asses, even if we used both hands, all is going well. It's a much farther drive from Paris to Rome than we thought. It gets even tougher since we arrived in Paris at midnight our time, 8am Paris time, and started driving (on no sleep). Going 150kmph down the autostrade requires some attention!!! On the plus side, we got a brand new Audi, manual shift, which I'm having fun with;)

 

We're off to attempt the wardrobe improvement part of our trip now. Arrivederci!

la dolce vita

I guess it's the season for breaking up. Alanis and Ryan? Pure shame. I should have predicted it though, because lately a lot of people have been searching the terms "relationship red flags" and have ended up on my Relationship Red Flags post. Guess it's not helpful. Earlier in the year a lot of people searched "preparation H face" and found Preparation H for the Face… So maybe in the winter people's asses are swollen from sitting around all day and growing it, then their significant other leaves them because their ass is fat. Just a theory. Holds no water, I admit.

I thought I was going to get blown off the bridge this morning biking in to school. Biked past a guy wearing goggles. Goggles? I wasn't sure if he was planning to jump off the bridge and do some snorkelling in the river or what. Or perhaps those are just his windy shades.I also saw a guy with just runners and cutoffs on. That's it. I bet he gets a nice tan in the summer walkin' around like that. If I ever date a guy that has a nice even all-over tan, red alert!!! I'm checkin' his drawers for the daisy dukes!

All this white fluff in the air from the trees is making my nose perpetually itchy. I have a very sore schnoz lately and no fool to kiss.

Don't apply fresh lip gloss before biking. It's like fly tape… but a lot more than just flies stick to it. Assorted bug varieties, tree fluff, dust and even twigs also get lip-lodged.

White t-shirt, your days are numbered.

Found out the other night that I'm the Happy Gilmore of darts. This American tourist at the Dog insisted that Jen and I play and of course we had to show him how it's NOT done. He still won even though it was 2 against one! They decided I have anger issues because I throw like a starving person spearing my next meal. Well, it's always fun until someone loses a head. I think we'd lost our heads that night. Oy!

He told me at one point in the night… "Americans don't care about hockey." He was right… watching the news tonight; most of the people interviewed in North Carolina couldn't give a shit! He seemed to think his American beer was great though… Leinenkugel's® Light. I laughed. LIGHT American beer? Isn't all American beer light??? He also admitted that he thought it was all igloos and Eskimos up here. Riiiiight.

Was I ovulating or did Ethan Moreau look fricken HOT during his interview last Saturday after the game? Yowzers! Down hormones down!!!

It absolutely crushes me when I say hi to someone and they don't say hi back. Maybe they don't recognize me? Guess I should take off the cap and shades… and fake beard.

My mind has been undergoing one long continuous brainfart for the last few days. I didn't think a fart could keep going that long. It's like a slow I.Q. leak I can't shake.

Speaking of farts, did you ever notice that refried bean farts actually smell like refried beans? That have been left in the fridge. A bit too long.

At Roger's Video they now give you a dollar towards your next rental if you return a video the next day before 11am. Today I returned a video two days late. Oops. So I rented 4 videos and I'm going to return them early tomorrow so I can earn my 4 bucks back.

Those two Beavers on the Bell commercials… Frank and Gordon… Are they supposed to be a gay couple? And is it my imagination or is does the one beaver sound like Norm MacDonald ?

In his radio commercial, Sean Jones from Spence Diamonds says that diamond rings aren't just for people who are engaged. He explains that it just shows other guys that your girl is in a committed relationship. Yeah, just try to back up out of that one easily!!! How do you tell her, after you give her the ring box that… uh, no I'm not asking you to marry me… ahem... Sean Jones, you are not a very bright man.

Apparently the Rock, Paper, Scissors Championship will be shown on TV this Saturday!!! It goes to show you that dramatic music, audience cheers, flames and that deep 'monster truck jam' type announcer voice can make anything seem exciting. Dammit anyways, I'm going to miss it! OH well.

I leave for Italy and France on Thursday. Mmmmm. You can just call me pizza paunch, gelato gut and the creped crusader. Ouch, that last one was bad.

I was checking out the Lonely Planet site on Italy the other day… it said "indulge in the pleasures of la dolce vita: good food, good wine and improving your wardrobe." Yeah baby, bring it on!!! Err, did they mean having to purchase a new, larger wardrobe???

Well folks, that's the best I can do for now. I'm gone for the next two weeks!!! I'll try to post if it's possible… Otherwise I'll definitely have a little sumthin sumthin after my trip. Ciao for now;)

Attraction Affliction

I think it's weird that for the next while after dating a guy I really dig, I find that same type of guy really attractive.

Like after dating one of my first boyfriends, I liked redheads.

At one point in time tall goofy-looking guys gave me the googly eyes.

And for a while there, I found Tom Cruise with longer hair really hot.



Recently, boys in caps with dark sideburns catch my eye. Hmmm. So that's why my eyes were drinkin' up Hayden Christensen on the MTV Movie Awards last night... Eerie.



God what an affliction. I guess it could be worse. I could have dated a curly-haired German dude!!!



Yikes!

MTV Movie Awards

You know, people gripe a lot about how bad award shows are. I'm gonna just fess up here and say that I kind of like them. I enjoy seeing all the beautiful people and what they're wearing and all that shit.

Jon Stewart hosting the Academy Awards this year just made it that much better.

But the MTV Movie Awards are my favourite. It's usually riddled with comedy... from the parodies to the hilarious acceptance speeches. I mean, where else can you find Jim Carrey, Will Ferrell, Steve Carell, Jimmy Falon, Andy Dick and Owen Wilson in one place?

The parodies are my fave part though. A couple of years ago, this is where I first saw the parody of Mission Impossible II. To this day, whenever I hear the Mission Impossible theme song, Ben Stiller's voice rings through my head, "This mission just got a whole lot more impossibler." This year they did a pretty funny spoof of Mission Impossible III. Check it out here.

Gnarls is Gnarly

When I start to pout... I put this song on and it makes me de-pout.

It's Crazy by Gnarls Barkley.

Does that make me crazy? Does that make me CRAAAAZY?

I don't remember when I lost my mind, however. I think it's kind of like gaining weight. Slow and insidious. Creeping insanity. The thing is (about putting on the pounds) you don't know it's happening until one day you have to buy a size larger, and then two, etc. But you definitely remember being a smaller size...

When you've lost your mind bit by bit, you have no mode of comparison.

You don't remember how sane you used to be. There's no 'sanity measuring stick' that tells you that you're mentally obese. No calculation. No formula.

Maybe I'm CRAAAAZY... Probablyyyyyyy.

Every day is a fresh start

"Every morning is a fresh beginning. Every day is the world made new. Today is a new day. Today is my world made new. I have lived all my life up to this moment, to come to this day. This moment--this day--is as good as any moment in all eternity. I shall make of this day--each moment of this day--a heaven on earth. This is my day of opportunity." -Dan Custer

"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense." -Ralph Waldo Emerson

"I am 67, but I’m not too old to make a fresh start." -Thomas Edison

Every day I wake up and say, thank God it's a new day. The past is in the past, I get a fresh start.

YEAH!!!

It's the only way I can reconcile that fact that I f*#@ed up yesterday so badly.

That stupid nagging feeling

The article below (from the Onion) cracks me up because it totally reminds me of Rose.

Scientist Has Nagging Feeling He Left Particle Accelerator On

March 31, 2004 Issue 40•13

CHICAGO—University of Chicago particle physicist Matthew Sharp drove halfway home before he was struck with the fear that he'd left the Argonne Tandem Linac Accelerator System running Tuesday night. "I think I powered it down after smashing those 9-GeV electrons into 3.1-GeV positrons, but I don't specifically remember flipping the switch," Sharp said. "Not only does a nine million volt electrostatic tandem Van de Graaff injector accelerator cost a lot to run; it's also a pretty serious fire hazard." Sharp almost turned his car around, but didn't, because the past three times he's gone back to check on the accelerator, he's found it off.

You see, Rose would get home from the lab, usually LATE, and proceed to freak out wondering if she left something 'on' (like a burner and that of course she was going to wind up burning the lab down).

She didn't have a car so if she went back to the university to check (i.e. the burner), it would get REALLY LATE and end up costing her quite a bit for the cab. If she didn't go she'd worry about it all night and not sleep a wink. Of course she wouldn't ask me to drive her... and I'd sit there listening to her have her little spaz out, waiting for her to just ask.

Did I say it was already late?

Eventually I'd begrudgingly offer to drive her... just to shut her up and relieve my guilty sense of obligation. I think most of the time she had indeed shut off whatever it was. Yep. And I would refrain from choking her...

Arrested for beef tossing

They were saying on the news tonight that Gary James threw some Alberta Beef on the ice at the game in North Carolina last night... and was arrested.

Besides the fact that throwing beef on the ice is retarded in the first place, the tagline on the news "arrested for beef tossing" sounded like something George Michael would get arrested for.

Arrested though? That seems a little harsh. Tossed out of the arena seems a more likely punishment for Mr. James. Hmmm... perhaps you could consider that a form of beef tossing.

Don Cherry... Offensive?

A long time ago, this old radio station in Calgary asked its listeners, "Do you find Don Cherry offensive?"

I called in and they put me on the radio, which always makes me giddy for some reason. Anyways, I basically said that he was entertaining, not offensive. Not to me anyways.

Until tonight. His outfits are normally a bit hard on the eyes, yes. (Where the hell does he find shirts that consume his whole neck?) Tonight, I'd definitely define THIS (see photo below) as OFFENSIVE.

OUCH. My eyes are burning! I'm going to have to cruise the internet for some hot, well-dressed men in order to undo the damage. Let the healing begin! C'mon, I can do it during the game!!!

The Simple Truth

 

undo the drunk

I spent a lot of money eating at this fancy restaurant and drinking tonight. Then after that... actually trying to get drunk. I figured the party could only get better the drunker I got. And then when it was time to dance, I’d be ready baby. OH YEAH, I'd be ready, that’s for sure.

Then everyone went home.

And then I was drunk... at home.

That sucks my lily white dimpled saggy ASS.

Then I spent a lot of time trying to 'undo the drunk'. Me being drunk at home is just a waste of everyones' time. And I shall not feel well tomorrow. Oh no, not well at all.

I know the drill. Krike.


And then I had some Cheerios.


Goodnight all.

Note to self...

Do not drink and dial.

Do NOT drink and dial.

Do not drink and emaill.

Do NOT drink and email... Seiously... DON"T... do NOT drink and email...

don not dreeeeenk and Blog.

opps. imen OOPS.

oopsie dassiiisy

Goofy Faces (The Sequel)

Many of you marvelled at the faces of Tom Green and Chris Klein in yesterday's Goofy Faces post. Today, I bring you some other classic mug shots, just ones that happened to be on my computer... Names have been withheld to conceal their identities, not sure you'd recognize any on the street with their 'normal' faces on.

Enjoy!!!


The classic bug-eyed "pppppffffttttt!" look.


Uh, looks a little painful.


A not-so -classic variation of the bug-eyed tongue-out look.


I really think her face might stay this way one day due to the frequency of this particular expression.

Birds of a feather... (I call the one on the left "the ostrich").


Another double-shot.


A new muppet?


Another one that looks rather painful.


The trapped animal look.


I love people's faces after they ate or drank something awful. This was following a very bad shooter.

That was fun. We should do it again sometime.

Ciao.

Mmmmm... Rooooot Beeer Floooooooooat

I was just complaining to Rose about how some of my summer clothes don't fit me right now.

Then I made myself a HUMUNGUS ROOT BEER FLOAT. Mmmmmmm.

It just fizzed all over as I was typing this.

Ok, that's it for today. I'm going to get some work done now.

Maybe. C'mon, I never got a day off this weekend!!!




Mmm roooooootbeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.


Is it hot enough out there for ya?


Rootbeer float. SLURP. Burp. Yum!

Yoga Farts

Farts are funny, especially during yoga.

You have to check this out on The Bitch Blog... More on yoga farts.

Goofy Faces

These pictures KILL me. Particularly the upper right one on Tom and the lower left Chris. I love it when people make faces. I know Green is a goof, but Klein? Hmmm... cute AND goofy, that's a pretty sweet combination (not sure how Kate gave that one up...).

Click here and scroll to the bottom of the page to check out more of the photobooth gallery at MTV.

Speaking of Tom Green... I stumbled on his blog recently. Watching his homemade videos is like watching your computer defrag. It's only mildly entertaining but you still have to keep watching. If you visit his blog, scroll down to the one entitled Hi!!! Hi!!! (or something). Like I said, so dumb you have to laugh. And then he's got a video on how he likes to make goofy faces. I freeze-framed him on one of the faces... C'mon, it's funny.

Or I'm tired and procrastinating on doing ANYTHING. Could happen.
Some people ask how I find some of this shit. Not sure how I discovered the delightful collages above, but like usual I saved the pictures to my computer and then had to find the source later. So I searched Tom Green on Google Images. I tell ya, of all the pictures that come up, you'd be hard-pressed to find one where his face looks normal, err, I mean where he's not making some sort of face. Although the same thing could probably be said of some of my friends (Jen? Jen did a silly thing yesterday and sent me a bunch of goofy pix of herself. Excellent comic relief, yes, but she must realize that the pictures can and will be used against her at some point in the future).

Anyways, during my Green-stalking, I stumbled on the little gem below. I guess he snuck into the scrum surrounding the Justice Minister. God, that is classic.