Rose sent me a link to this video - How cat owners wake up.
Funny.
Now I know why I have bags under my eyes in the morning! (See: Rude Awakenings).
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Monday, October 29, 2007
Online Dating: Some Final Words
Last week I featured a few posts from the world of online dating. My dating life has always been kind of like the "when it rains it pours" theory (see former posts: Dating Degrees of Separation and the now famous Escapee returns to nunnery after year-long experiment with dating). So I suppose this wasn't much different, just amped up a bit.
It was definitely an interesting endeavour. It certainly exposes a person to a much wider range of possibilities... Often people that wouldn't dare talk to you in person (could be shy... or because they look like quasi-moto) are sending you a message in cyberspace. There were guys sending me long rambling emails, who didn't care if I emailed them back. There were guys sending short emails, who didn't seem to notice that I didn't email them back, i.e. "Do you have long fingernails?" or "I bet you'd look great in tight jeans." There was seriously not a day that went by when something interesting wasn't going on.
Briefly, I recognized and ended up meeting a guy I'd photographed in a former post! See: Nekedness... The good, the bad and the uggo (and it wasn't the neked neighbour!). He seemed rather fascinated that someone featured his neked self on the net without his knowledge. Oh c'mon, it's not that creepy! Another guy sent me a photo of his penis. He was emailing me pictures of himself and I had specified NO below the belt shots! So when I opened the picture, I had to take a second to lift my jaw up off the keyboard again before I could respond. A couple of days later I emailed him and said, "FYI me and my friends are enjoying your photos..." He was actually surprised that I'd share the photo. C'mon man, there's no way I could pass up telling that story to the girls! Ahem, and then they were all curious...
You need to get past the freaks and have fun with the whole online thing. It's some prime entertainment (and can be addicting, which is why I got out). There are people who will chat with you but never make a move to meet you. They'll even ask to go for coffee and when you agree- nuthin. It's almost like the guys at the bar who collect phone numbers and never call. A fellow online dater used to get very disappointed at some men's inability to follow through. She'd give her number out to several guys who said they'd take her out on the weekend. The weekend rolled around- nuthin. I had to remind her of my motto: Let the cream rise to the top. And it certainly did.
I have never been a multi-dater or that relaxed about dating overall, but I became better at it (with practice;). I have to say, there are some benefits to multi-dating. Us girls can be pretty high maintenance and a little obsessive at times (case in point: The Psychology of Dating). We need a lot of attention! If you date several guys, it's like a perfect world... One brings you flowers, another calls regularly, one jokes around while another braves some pretty deep conversations with you, another takes you out to dinner while yet another is texting/emailing you sweet nothings. Several men = the ideal man!!! The biggest drawback? Like I mentioned in that former post about dating degrees of separation, I hate telling people they aren't right for the job. GUH.
In the end, though, I'm a one-man woman. And that's how it turned out for me... Yay!
It was definitely an interesting endeavour. It certainly exposes a person to a much wider range of possibilities... Often people that wouldn't dare talk to you in person (could be shy... or because they look like quasi-moto) are sending you a message in cyberspace. There were guys sending me long rambling emails, who didn't care if I emailed them back. There were guys sending short emails, who didn't seem to notice that I didn't email them back, i.e. "Do you have long fingernails?" or "I bet you'd look great in tight jeans." There was seriously not a day that went by when something interesting wasn't going on.
Briefly, I recognized and ended up meeting a guy I'd photographed in a former post! See: Nekedness... The good, the bad and the uggo (and it wasn't the neked neighbour!). He seemed rather fascinated that someone featured his neked self on the net without his knowledge. Oh c'mon, it's not that creepy! Another guy sent me a photo of his penis. He was emailing me pictures of himself and I had specified NO below the belt shots! So when I opened the picture, I had to take a second to lift my jaw up off the keyboard again before I could respond. A couple of days later I emailed him and said, "FYI me and my friends are enjoying your photos..." He was actually surprised that I'd share the photo. C'mon man, there's no way I could pass up telling that story to the girls! Ahem, and then they were all curious...
You need to get past the freaks and have fun with the whole online thing. It's some prime entertainment (and can be addicting, which is why I got out). There are people who will chat with you but never make a move to meet you. They'll even ask to go for coffee and when you agree- nuthin. It's almost like the guys at the bar who collect phone numbers and never call. A fellow online dater used to get very disappointed at some men's inability to follow through. She'd give her number out to several guys who said they'd take her out on the weekend. The weekend rolled around- nuthin. I had to remind her of my motto: Let the cream rise to the top. And it certainly did.
I have never been a multi-dater or that relaxed about dating overall, but I became better at it (with practice;). I have to say, there are some benefits to multi-dating. Us girls can be pretty high maintenance and a little obsessive at times (case in point: The Psychology of Dating). We need a lot of attention! If you date several guys, it's like a perfect world... One brings you flowers, another calls regularly, one jokes around while another braves some pretty deep conversations with you, another takes you out to dinner while yet another is texting/emailing you sweet nothings. Several men = the ideal man!!! The biggest drawback? Like I mentioned in that former post about dating degrees of separation, I hate telling people they aren't right for the job. GUH.
In the end, though, I'm a one-man woman. And that's how it turned out for me... Yay!
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Online Dating: A Photo is Worth a Thousand Words
A lot of people online either don't have photos or have only an older one. In some cases it looks like it's been clipped from a magazine.
Don't fall for this! When the "reveal" happens, it will not be pretty! And by reveal, it can be in the form of him finally sending a recent photo, where you see that he gained a substantial amount of weight and lost a substantial amount of hair, or that he looks like he could be in an 80s hair band (or was way back when and hasn't updated his style). Pictures say so much... If you're an animal lover and he's photographed with an animal carcass and a huge shotgun, I'm betting you won't be a match. If you're a vegetarian health & fitness nut, and the Michelin man on the couch is juggling a triple cheeseburger and remote control then he probably isn't going to float your boat either. You may think I'm exaggerating, but there were a lot of people lying on the couch in their pictures! lol.
In the case of the guy with the model good looks (especially if he's got a Sears pose going on) who is emailing loooong letters about how you're his soulmate and he longs to be in your arms... It's more likely some scammer in a foreign country who longs to suck you dry! One such person wrote me his life story (see below) and then on msn he was asking me questions about myself. He started out with asking I live alone. I was thinking that if he was interested, he'd ask questions about my favourite food, what I do for fun or at least brag about how great he is. I informed him that in my opinion there were two reasons he'd want to know if I live alone- he wanted to rob/rape me or he wanted to see if I'd get on a webcam... with no one else around. Ahem. Oh the options! There were a lot more red flags, but the letter below says it all. If you get a form letter like this one, don't even bother. He was obviously preying on lonely older women... Age difference? He was 2 years younger than me...
Overall, there are a lot of cool people on these sites, but the freak ratio is pretty high. A good screening process is crucial and the learning curve can be steep. If the freak-light is flashing, run, don't walk in the other direction!
Hello Lady,
Thnx for responding my mail,I am happy meeting you as my friendsand maybe more oneday,I want us to get to know each before we meet in realto learn from each other in soul and spirit better.I love to go out and havefun,love watching sports,camping and so many more.I am going to send you myphoto and i hope you will also do the same for me to know whom i am talkingto.
I am John,I was born in Bootle Merseyside, North of England on October 12.My parents were very young when they had me and they passed away when I wasvery young I hadly knew them and have only a very faint memory of them. Mymother was dutch from Holland while my father was English. I grew up with mypaternal grandparents and grandpa worked in museums all over the world dongrestoration work.We lived in four diferent european cities as I grew up thenmoved back to London, moving back was definitely a good thing for me becauseit was my first opportunity of settling in a place for a while. When I was19 years old I went into the university of Durham in the north of Englandand I moved to Newcastle. Five (5) years later I graduated. At the age of 27my best friend died, my grandpa Before he died he wished I would get marriedand have kids. During my college years, I often applied for excavation jobsaround the world and got to travell extensively. In 1998 I was among a teamof archeaologists on a major find in Turkey and in 1999 in Greece. After along career traveling and bringing history to life, much of which I haverelished, I have finally decided to settle down with someone I love and makethe most of my life
It was very nice meeting you and i hope oneday we will be in each otherarms,I have been single for along time and always praying to meet the womanof my dreams,I have alot of female friends from college but never met theright woman of my dreams,You are a beautiful woman and i can see that youwill make your man very happy,I am ahonest,loving,caring,faithful,loyal,respectful and all a woman needs to behappy ,I lived with my cousins in the same house,will soon move to my newhome.I live at the north of barclays street,It is very nice and good placewith my cousins,I hope my age and my difference wont bother you at all.it does not bother me at as i am looking for my soulmate and my life partner,Iwant you to tell me about yourself and a photo
take care
John
Don't fall for this! When the "reveal" happens, it will not be pretty! And by reveal, it can be in the form of him finally sending a recent photo, where you see that he gained a substantial amount of weight and lost a substantial amount of hair, or that he looks like he could be in an 80s hair band (or was way back when and hasn't updated his style). Pictures say so much... If you're an animal lover and he's photographed with an animal carcass and a huge shotgun, I'm betting you won't be a match. If you're a vegetarian health & fitness nut, and the Michelin man on the couch is juggling a triple cheeseburger and remote control then he probably isn't going to float your boat either. You may think I'm exaggerating, but there were a lot of people lying on the couch in their pictures! lol.
In the case of the guy with the model good looks (especially if he's got a Sears pose going on) who is emailing loooong letters about how you're his soulmate and he longs to be in your arms... It's more likely some scammer in a foreign country who longs to suck you dry! One such person wrote me his life story (see below) and then on msn he was asking me questions about myself. He started out with asking I live alone. I was thinking that if he was interested, he'd ask questions about my favourite food, what I do for fun or at least brag about how great he is. I informed him that in my opinion there were two reasons he'd want to know if I live alone- he wanted to rob/rape me or he wanted to see if I'd get on a webcam... with no one else around. Ahem. Oh the options! There were a lot more red flags, but the letter below says it all. If you get a form letter like this one, don't even bother. He was obviously preying on lonely older women... Age difference? He was 2 years younger than me...
Overall, there are a lot of cool people on these sites, but the freak ratio is pretty high. A good screening process is crucial and the learning curve can be steep. If the freak-light is flashing, run, don't walk in the other direction!
Hello Lady,
Thnx for responding my mail,I am happy meeting you as my friendsand maybe more oneday,I want us to get to know each before we meet in realto learn from each other in soul and spirit better.I love to go out and havefun,love watching sports,camping and so many more.I am going to send you myphoto and i hope you will also do the same for me to know whom i am talkingto.
I am John,I was born in Bootle Merseyside, North of England on October 12.My parents were very young when they had me and they passed away when I wasvery young I hadly knew them and have only a very faint memory of them. Mymother was dutch from Holland while my father was English. I grew up with mypaternal grandparents and grandpa worked in museums all over the world dongrestoration work.We lived in four diferent european cities as I grew up thenmoved back to London, moving back was definitely a good thing for me becauseit was my first opportunity of settling in a place for a while. When I was19 years old I went into the university of Durham in the north of Englandand I moved to Newcastle. Five (5) years later I graduated. At the age of 27my best friend died, my grandpa Before he died he wished I would get marriedand have kids. During my college years, I often applied for excavation jobsaround the world and got to travell extensively. In 1998 I was among a teamof archeaologists on a major find in Turkey and in 1999 in Greece. After along career traveling and bringing history to life, much of which I haverelished, I have finally decided to settle down with someone I love and makethe most of my life
It was very nice meeting you and i hope oneday we will be in each otherarms,I have been single for along time and always praying to meet the womanof my dreams,I have alot of female friends from college but never met theright woman of my dreams,You are a beautiful woman and i can see that youwill make your man very happy,I am ahonest,loving,caring,faithful,loyal,respectful and all a woman needs to behappy ,I lived with my cousins in the same house,will soon move to my newhome.I live at the north of barclays street,It is very nice and good placewith my cousins,I hope my age and my difference wont bother you at all.it does not bother me at as i am looking for my soulmate and my life partner,Iwant you to tell me about yourself and a photo
take care
John
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Online Dating: Humour Works
Whenever I got an email on the dating site, I'd read it and then go to the person's profile and check it out. This was time consuming but I wanted to be courteous... and thorough (remember, I'm a researcher by nature;). So needless to say (but I'll say it anyways) it took something pretty special to get an actual email back from me.
A fellow female online dater had this to say about it:
Well things that irritate me is getting an email with that kind of "stock" paragraph of info... like you can tell that it's probably something they send to everyone/anyone because a) it's REALLY long and b) there's nothing personal in it. There's no specifics related to your profile at all. I dislike that haha - I'd rather have a one-liner than that. Oh also avoid such witty and smooth emails such as "u r hot" and "i choose you" ... seriously - are these people expecting a response??
So what does get a response? Well, a nice photo helps (it's tough not to answer the Johnny Depp look-alike) ... but humour is definitely where it's at. And then, if you add a side of flattery, I'm clicking that REPLY button faster than you can say 'how YOU doon?' haha.
This is how one guy got a response and just kept the giggles going:
Him: Thanks....I'm not as retarded as my profile. Just kept it that way cause this site is somewhat retarded & I wanted to fit in lol. Dont worry, your safe with me as long as I take my meds. Besides, running outa places to store bodies lol.
Perhaps that should've scared me away, but it didn't (although I forget what his profile said now).
Sometimes a profile stands out. When this guy emailed, I couldn't NOT respond. This one had me howling with tears rolling down the cheeks... Enjoy :)
Ahhh me… A pocked and shiny sloped brow leads to up to my sparse, unkempt greasy hair which only accentuates my bulbous eyes (left one is a bit of a wanderer)… the best way to describe my nose with its volumous thick hair is “runny”…my tooth is still in pretty good shape and is “sunshine yellow”…I have been trying to grow a moustache for 3 years… I stand almost 5’ and have really let myself go… one of my legs is notably longer than the other which of course makes me a wicked dancer, even if by mistake… If I had friends they would describe me as a simple, humorless, self conscious, irritable loner… Women often say things to me like “stop following me” or “get the hell off me” or “whats THAT smell?”… I have developed somewhat of a resistance to mace and pepper spray…
I can further be describes as “unemployable” and do odd jobs for strait cash so I guess that makes me a bit of an ontrompanuur… I live in my ’86 Astro van (with mags) with my 6 cats and iguana so I am very mobile when I can afford gas…
I further enjoy sitting on your couch and eating your food (spray cheese strait from the can if you really cared)…while having my back hair braided. I enjoy a good tractor pull as much as the next guy especially if i am wearing my favorite old sweat pants sans under garments, white tube socks and a shirt i got out of a beer case 8 years ago...
I enjoy short walks to the fridge, making cat toys from belly button lint and earwax candle making. I recently attended my grade 9 graduation reunion which was held in the parking lot at the 7-11…
You.. you are a super hot virgin nyphomanic heress that can cook like nobodies business and likes to rub my feet while I play poker with the boys...
Hurry! Contact me! This action wont last long...lol
I have been asked to add what my education level is... well i dont have a degree as such but i do have a level 32 shaman on everquest named arcuss... that has just got to count for something. anyone?.. hello?.. is this thing on?
I don't know what it is, but I love it when people say, "is this thing on?" It gets me every time. Thanks dude, that was priceless!
A fellow female online dater had this to say about it:
Well things that irritate me is getting an email with that kind of "stock" paragraph of info... like you can tell that it's probably something they send to everyone/anyone because a) it's REALLY long and b) there's nothing personal in it. There's no specifics related to your profile at all. I dislike that haha - I'd rather have a one-liner than that. Oh also avoid such witty and smooth emails such as "u r hot" and "i choose you" ... seriously - are these people expecting a response??
So what does get a response? Well, a nice photo helps (it's tough not to answer the Johnny Depp look-alike) ... but humour is definitely where it's at. And then, if you add a side of flattery, I'm clicking that REPLY button faster than you can say 'how YOU doon?' haha.
This is how one guy got a response and just kept the giggles going:
Him: I think I wuv you!!!!!!!!! Dont know how I stumbled upon your profile though
Me: hello... very funny profile!Him: Thanks....I'm not as retarded as my profile. Just kept it that way cause this site is somewhat retarded & I wanted to fit in lol. Dont worry, your safe with me as long as I take my meds. Besides, running outa places to store bodies lol.
Perhaps that should've scared me away, but it didn't (although I forget what his profile said now).
Sometimes a profile stands out. When this guy emailed, I couldn't NOT respond. This one had me howling with tears rolling down the cheeks... Enjoy :)
Ahhh me… A pocked and shiny sloped brow leads to up to my sparse, unkempt greasy hair which only accentuates my bulbous eyes (left one is a bit of a wanderer)… the best way to describe my nose with its volumous thick hair is “runny”…my tooth is still in pretty good shape and is “sunshine yellow”…I have been trying to grow a moustache for 3 years… I stand almost 5’ and have really let myself go… one of my legs is notably longer than the other which of course makes me a wicked dancer, even if by mistake… If I had friends they would describe me as a simple, humorless, self conscious, irritable loner… Women often say things to me like “stop following me” or “get the hell off me” or “whats THAT smell?”… I have developed somewhat of a resistance to mace and pepper spray…
I can further be describes as “unemployable” and do odd jobs for strait cash so I guess that makes me a bit of an ontrompanuur… I live in my ’86 Astro van (with mags) with my 6 cats and iguana so I am very mobile when I can afford gas…
I further enjoy sitting on your couch and eating your food (spray cheese strait from the can if you really cared)…while having my back hair braided. I enjoy a good tractor pull as much as the next guy especially if i am wearing my favorite old sweat pants sans under garments, white tube socks and a shirt i got out of a beer case 8 years ago...
I enjoy short walks to the fridge, making cat toys from belly button lint and earwax candle making. I recently attended my grade 9 graduation reunion which was held in the parking lot at the 7-11…
You.. you are a super hot virgin nyphomanic heress that can cook like nobodies business and likes to rub my feet while I play poker with the boys...
Hurry! Contact me! This action wont last long...lol
I have been asked to add what my education level is... well i dont have a degree as such but i do have a level 32 shaman on everquest named arcuss... that has just got to count for something. anyone?.. hello?.. is this thing on?
I don't know what it is, but I love it when people say, "is this thing on?" It gets me every time. Thanks dude, that was priceless!
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Online Dating: First Dates
Many online sites have a section for first date suggestions. Here are a few that made me chuckle...
good date: we go do something which we can both enjoy so we can be relaxed, have fun and actually get to know a bit about each other.
bad date: i politely tell you i'm not interested, you show up in my foyer with a set of hand cuffs and a rubber mallet.
On our first date I thought it might be fun to Lick each others necks,Dress up like clowns and rob Liquor stores at gun point(of course split the money),,and go for a walk and grab old peoples buttocks,and Jumping naked on a trampoline.
what do i hope to do on a first date?... umm YOU!... duh... next question please... lol... (just joshin.. if you have made it this far you probably either have the same sense of humour as me or are building a legal case against me...lol) ... a quick drink in a cool little spot would suffice...
First, we would meet at Tim Hortons. When our eyes first meet, the electricity, sparks, heat and passion would set off the sprinkler system. We would quickly run out, covering our heads with random strangers coats. Once in the parking lot, we would hop into my Ferrari and whisk ourselves to Jasper, where we would have a lovely day shopping and visiting all the kitschy and touristy places you wanted to see. You would then be kidnapped by a horde of evil ninja's, and be taked hostage. I would mount a daring, James Bond-esque rescue, and we'd barely escape with our lives. Next, we would fly to Vegas, where we'd take in a show or two. After the shows, we'd hit the casino floor, where we'd bankrupt the casino shooting on the high-limit craps table. We'd walk out filthy rich, and own the casino. When we left the casino, Mike Tyson would make a disparaging comment about you, and I would gallantly jump to your defense and mop the floor with him. Finally, we'd fly to Paris and climb the Eiffel Tower and share the most passionate kiss ever experienced on the planet earth as the sun rose in the distance. You'd never be the same, nor would I. It would be love at first sight, and we'd be inseperable for the rest of our lives.
good date: we go do something which we can both enjoy so we can be relaxed, have fun and actually get to know a bit about each other.
bad date: i politely tell you i'm not interested, you show up in my foyer with a set of hand cuffs and a rubber mallet.
On our first date I thought it might be fun to Lick each others necks,Dress up like clowns and rob Liquor stores at gun point(of course split the money),,and go for a walk and grab old peoples buttocks,and Jumping naked on a trampoline.
what do i hope to do on a first date?... umm YOU!... duh... next question please... lol... (just joshin.. if you have made it this far you probably either have the same sense of humour as me or are building a legal case against me...lol) ... a quick drink in a cool little spot would suffice...
First, we would meet at Tim Hortons. When our eyes first meet, the electricity, sparks, heat and passion would set off the sprinkler system. We would quickly run out, covering our heads with random strangers coats. Once in the parking lot, we would hop into my Ferrari and whisk ourselves to Jasper, where we would have a lovely day shopping and visiting all the kitschy and touristy places you wanted to see. You would then be kidnapped by a horde of evil ninja's, and be taked hostage. I would mount a daring, James Bond-esque rescue, and we'd barely escape with our lives. Next, we would fly to Vegas, where we'd take in a show or two. After the shows, we'd hit the casino floor, where we'd bankrupt the casino shooting on the high-limit craps table. We'd walk out filthy rich, and own the casino. When we left the casino, Mike Tyson would make a disparaging comment about you, and I would gallantly jump to your defense and mop the floor with him. Finally, we'd fly to Paris and climb the Eiffel Tower and share the most passionate kiss ever experienced on the planet earth as the sun rose in the distance. You'd never be the same, nor would I. It would be love at first sight, and we'd be inseperable for the rest of our lives.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Online Dating: One Man's Opinion
The passage below was actually on a guy's profile. Seriously, this dude NEEDS his own Blog. He's got a little too much to say to the world, like the rest of us bloggers, haha. It's also mildly entertaining at least. I wonder how much action he got from this... To me, there are a few red flags... I counted about 472. Ok, so I wouldn't date him, but I couldn't help but ponder... Will he ever shut up? Do I want him to? Is he completely nuts or does he have valid points despite rays of skewed sarcasm? I imagine a guy like Dennis Leary on the other end of this...
This whole online dating scene has an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7pm instead of 7:30. Entertainment for the caveman was simple: Man kills food, woman burns it, giant pterodactyl swoops down, chases woman, woman falls in mud. A good laugh is had by all. We get Plentyoffish.com.
I don't know why I bought a computer. Computers are ruining the country. Computers and women. And they're quite similar because I don't know how to turn either of them on. You know what I would do if I was Prime Minister? I'd take a big empty province that nobody's using, y'know, like Saskatchewan, and I'd pack every pregnant woman in the country into donut trucks, and convoy 'em all to Saskatoon.
Being a man is all about making mistakes and not caring. Those articles that say married couples have sex every month are just sensationalistic lies perpetrated on the public to sell magazines. It's hooey I tell you, hooey! I'd like a nice juicy steak, medium rare, with little brown potatoes on the right side of the plate, ketchup on the left, where some people waste space with vegetables. And for dessert, a roast beef. Soon my mouth will be alive with dead animals of every race and religion. Feed me, or feed me to something. I just want to be part of the food chain. You know another thing that uh, you know another thing that makes women such a blessing to us? It's like when you're sitting somewhere and they come over to you and say, "What are you thinking?" And you start thinking, "Y'know, if I wanted you to know, I'd be talking." But you actually can't say that to 'em or they'll kill you. And they're allowed to, see it's that whole period, p.m.s. thing. I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I think that p.m.s. stands for "Pummel Men's Scrotums".
Yeah, doggone it, if we men could only be comfortable with our age like you darn gals. You know, I mean, in the morning you go into the bathroom, a little blush, a little mascara and voila, you got an old woman scared of rain. Then you try to clean and jerk your breasts into a bra, ease some exercise pants over that front and back belly, go down to the market and flirt with the bagboy. I guess what I'm trying to say is it's just pretty pathetic when we guys try to cling to our youth. You know, when you share a bathroom with a woman, you got nylons hanging on the curtain rod, you got Nair where the toothpaste should be, a bottle of vinegar lying around. I mean, what do they do in there, make a salad?
Britney really did used to be kinda sweet and likable. It seems hard to remember now but it really was true. Remember? Christina was the tramp and Jessica had no career and Britney was the****tease jailbait virgin who outsold both of them put together. It was a simpler time in North America I like to refer to as 2003.
I speak with wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who goes blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. I'm not looking for a girl with a deep throaty laugh like the sound a dog makes just before he throws up. When I speak to my sweetie, I wanna hear bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up. Love should hurt, like the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall. I'm not looking for anyone with vocabulary as bad as, like, whatever. The brain doesn't need blood, it just needs to be kept wet. I'm a living example of how the brain doesn't really need blood to work. They call me Flipper... Flipper...
Lawn sales and garage sales are based on the bigger idiot theory. You know, you sell things so dumb, that some bigger idiot would buy it. But the flaw on that theory is that eventually, you will get to the head idiot. And unfortunately she is some poor sap's wife.
You know what I need, someone who can swing a bat and look good doing it. Baseball is a Canadian tradition, like fathers chasing their sons with power tools. I'm looking for someone I can go out and enjoy doing things with. I work alot and in my spare time I enjoy going to the gym. Fitness is important to me, people should take care of themselves. My other interests include playing mixed slo-pitch in the summer and trying to get the odd golf game in. I'm not very good at golf but I enjoy going out and cursing and throwing clubs around.
I'd like to thank my mom and dad for their good genes, I wanna thank God too, word to Jesus. I tend to make up my own words, or spell old words in some super awesome way, don't argue, just go with it. Thank you and god bless.
I get asked why I'm single and I try to think up all the reasons why, or I come up with some witty answer that deflects how I really feel. The bottom line is that I fell hard for someone I was interested in a few years back and quite honestly I'm not over it in that I didn't like how it ended or how I acted which resulted in that outcome. If I could go back in time, I would change a lot of things that happened. I think you meet someone very special on so few occasions in life and I think you truely realize how special they are when they aren't around anymore.
I hate Christmas. The mall is full of nothing but women and children. All you hear is, "I want this", "Get me this", "I have to have this"... and then there's the children. And they're all by my store 'cause they stuck the mall santa right outside ringing his stupid bell. As if you need a bell to notice a 300-pound alcoholic in a red suit. "Ho, Ho, Ho" all day long. So, nice as I can be, I go outside, ask him to shut the hell up. He takes a swing at me. So I lay a hook into his fat belly and he goes down. Beard comes off, all the kids start crying and I'm the badguy. But Christmas isn't the time for regrets, that's what anniversaries are for.
First Date? Nothing as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that is actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a landmine or something.
There's no answer that can go here that isn't sappy or makes absolutely no sense. So I'll just say the perfect first date would be one that didn't involve death or sex or chocolate-covered midgets. Something fun and goofy, like stealing cookies from 7-11 then eating them by candlelight behind a dumpster, while being serenaded by a rabid pack of gophers wearing old navy jeans and coca-cola sunglasses.
You think I'm a loser? Because I have a stinking job that I hate, a family that doesn't respect me, and a whole city that curses the day I was born? Well, that may mean loser to you, but let me tell you something. Every day when I wake up in the morning, I know it's not going to get any better until I go back to sleep. So I get up, I have my watered-down Tang and my still-frozen Poptart. I get in my car with no gas, no upholstery, and six more payments. I'll never play hockey like I wanted to. I'll never know the touch of a beautiful woman. And I'll never know the joy of driving through the city without a bag over my head. But I'm not a loser. Because, despite it all, me and every other guy who'll never be what we wanted to be, is out there, being what we don't want to be, forty hours a week, for life. And the fact I didn't put a gun in my mouth years ago - that little fact makes me a winner baby!
I don't celebrate birthdays or holidays. Oh sure, it causes irrepairable emotional scars. But it saves a few bucks on presents. I'm not perfect, but I'm working on it.
Should you choose to date me... I do solemnly swear to refrain from hitting on or flirting with other women. I shall not speak to another female, except as expressly permitted by you. I will not turn off my cell after two pints, nor shall I consume above the allowed volume of alcohol without first phoning for a taxi and calling you for a verbal waiver of said alcohol allowance. I understand that even if permission is granted to go out, you retain the right to be pissed off with me the following week for no valid reason whatsoever. I acknowledge my postion in life. I promise to abide by your rules and regulations. You reserve the right to obtain and use my credit cards whenever you wish to do so. I hereby promise to take you on an unlimitted shopping spree should I not return on agreed upon times. On my way home, I will not pick fights with strangers. Upon my return home, I promise not to urinate anywhere other than in the toilet. I addition, I will refrain from waking you up, breathing my vile breath in your face, and attempting to breed like a rabbit.
Haha!
This whole online dating scene has an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7pm instead of 7:30. Entertainment for the caveman was simple: Man kills food, woman burns it, giant pterodactyl swoops down, chases woman, woman falls in mud. A good laugh is had by all. We get Plentyoffish.com.
I don't know why I bought a computer. Computers are ruining the country. Computers and women. And they're quite similar because I don't know how to turn either of them on. You know what I would do if I was Prime Minister? I'd take a big empty province that nobody's using, y'know, like Saskatchewan, and I'd pack every pregnant woman in the country into donut trucks, and convoy 'em all to Saskatoon.
Being a man is all about making mistakes and not caring. Those articles that say married couples have sex every month are just sensationalistic lies perpetrated on the public to sell magazines. It's hooey I tell you, hooey! I'd like a nice juicy steak, medium rare, with little brown potatoes on the right side of the plate, ketchup on the left, where some people waste space with vegetables. And for dessert, a roast beef. Soon my mouth will be alive with dead animals of every race and religion. Feed me, or feed me to something. I just want to be part of the food chain. You know another thing that uh, you know another thing that makes women such a blessing to us? It's like when you're sitting somewhere and they come over to you and say, "What are you thinking?" And you start thinking, "Y'know, if I wanted you to know, I'd be talking." But you actually can't say that to 'em or they'll kill you. And they're allowed to, see it's that whole period, p.m.s. thing. I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I think that p.m.s. stands for "Pummel Men's Scrotums".
Yeah, doggone it, if we men could only be comfortable with our age like you darn gals. You know, I mean, in the morning you go into the bathroom, a little blush, a little mascara and voila, you got an old woman scared of rain. Then you try to clean and jerk your breasts into a bra, ease some exercise pants over that front and back belly, go down to the market and flirt with the bagboy. I guess what I'm trying to say is it's just pretty pathetic when we guys try to cling to our youth. You know, when you share a bathroom with a woman, you got nylons hanging on the curtain rod, you got Nair where the toothpaste should be, a bottle of vinegar lying around. I mean, what do they do in there, make a salad?
Britney really did used to be kinda sweet and likable. It seems hard to remember now but it really was true. Remember? Christina was the tramp and Jessica had no career and Britney was the****tease jailbait virgin who outsold both of them put together. It was a simpler time in North America I like to refer to as 2003.
I speak with wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who goes blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. I'm not looking for a girl with a deep throaty laugh like the sound a dog makes just before he throws up. When I speak to my sweetie, I wanna hear bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up. Love should hurt, like the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall. I'm not looking for anyone with vocabulary as bad as, like, whatever. The brain doesn't need blood, it just needs to be kept wet. I'm a living example of how the brain doesn't really need blood to work. They call me Flipper... Flipper...
Lawn sales and garage sales are based on the bigger idiot theory. You know, you sell things so dumb, that some bigger idiot would buy it. But the flaw on that theory is that eventually, you will get to the head idiot. And unfortunately she is some poor sap's wife.
You know what I need, someone who can swing a bat and look good doing it. Baseball is a Canadian tradition, like fathers chasing their sons with power tools. I'm looking for someone I can go out and enjoy doing things with. I work alot and in my spare time I enjoy going to the gym. Fitness is important to me, people should take care of themselves. My other interests include playing mixed slo-pitch in the summer and trying to get the odd golf game in. I'm not very good at golf but I enjoy going out and cursing and throwing clubs around.
I'd like to thank my mom and dad for their good genes, I wanna thank God too, word to Jesus. I tend to make up my own words, or spell old words in some super awesome way, don't argue, just go with it. Thank you and god bless.
I get asked why I'm single and I try to think up all the reasons why, or I come up with some witty answer that deflects how I really feel. The bottom line is that I fell hard for someone I was interested in a few years back and quite honestly I'm not over it in that I didn't like how it ended or how I acted which resulted in that outcome. If I could go back in time, I would change a lot of things that happened. I think you meet someone very special on so few occasions in life and I think you truely realize how special they are when they aren't around anymore.
I hate Christmas. The mall is full of nothing but women and children. All you hear is, "I want this", "Get me this", "I have to have this"... and then there's the children. And they're all by my store 'cause they stuck the mall santa right outside ringing his stupid bell. As if you need a bell to notice a 300-pound alcoholic in a red suit. "Ho, Ho, Ho" all day long. So, nice as I can be, I go outside, ask him to shut the hell up. He takes a swing at me. So I lay a hook into his fat belly and he goes down. Beard comes off, all the kids start crying and I'm the badguy. But Christmas isn't the time for regrets, that's what anniversaries are for.
First Date? Nothing as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that is actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a landmine or something.
There's no answer that can go here that isn't sappy or makes absolutely no sense. So I'll just say the perfect first date would be one that didn't involve death or sex or chocolate-covered midgets. Something fun and goofy, like stealing cookies from 7-11 then eating them by candlelight behind a dumpster, while being serenaded by a rabid pack of gophers wearing old navy jeans and coca-cola sunglasses.
You think I'm a loser? Because I have a stinking job that I hate, a family that doesn't respect me, and a whole city that curses the day I was born? Well, that may mean loser to you, but let me tell you something. Every day when I wake up in the morning, I know it's not going to get any better until I go back to sleep. So I get up, I have my watered-down Tang and my still-frozen Poptart. I get in my car with no gas, no upholstery, and six more payments. I'll never play hockey like I wanted to. I'll never know the touch of a beautiful woman. And I'll never know the joy of driving through the city without a bag over my head. But I'm not a loser. Because, despite it all, me and every other guy who'll never be what we wanted to be, is out there, being what we don't want to be, forty hours a week, for life. And the fact I didn't put a gun in my mouth years ago - that little fact makes me a winner baby!
I don't celebrate birthdays or holidays. Oh sure, it causes irrepairable emotional scars. But it saves a few bucks on presents. I'm not perfect, but I'm working on it.
Should you choose to date me... I do solemnly swear to refrain from hitting on or flirting with other women. I shall not speak to another female, except as expressly permitted by you. I will not turn off my cell after two pints, nor shall I consume above the allowed volume of alcohol without first phoning for a taxi and calling you for a verbal waiver of said alcohol allowance. I understand that even if permission is granted to go out, you retain the right to be pissed off with me the following week for no valid reason whatsoever. I acknowledge my postion in life. I promise to abide by your rules and regulations. You reserve the right to obtain and use my credit cards whenever you wish to do so. I hereby promise to take you on an unlimitted shopping spree should I not return on agreed upon times. On my way home, I will not pick fights with strangers. Upon my return home, I promise not to urinate anywhere other than in the toilet. I addition, I will refrain from waking you up, breathing my vile breath in your face, and attempting to breed like a rabbit.
Haha!
Monday, October 22, 2007
Online Dating: Intro
Scott Adams, you kill me... (http://www.dilbert.com/)
Not too long ago, I checked out the online dating scene… God, between the photos and what people write about themselves, it’s literally HOURS of entertainment. This week I’m going to feature some profiles and uh, maybe some of my own stories on this theme. We'll see.
And because people's profiles are anonymous on these sites and they have no copywrites (wah ha ha ha!) they will not be credited. Too bad, because some are quite funny... Although in some cases, they’ll be glad that NO ONE knows their identity!
Friday, October 19, 2007
Thursday, October 18, 2007
If I see that camera again, I'm taking it away...
Went to the Finger 11 / Sum 41 concert on Monday night... But after only taking a few shots of Finger 11, security was all over me like a fat kid on a timbit. Finger 11 was pretty damn good... I'd seen them a few years ago, and they didn't disappoint this time either. Strangely enough, I'd never seen Sum 41 play, even though I've been a fan for a long time now. They were tonnes of fun... but no photos for you!!! I can't understand why they don't allow pictures. Security acted like it was saving the world every time they took an amateur photographer down.
What was cool though, instead of Sum's regular guitar player they had the lead singer of Gob on the strings. Not sure why that made me happy :) They only played one Gob song though. Oh well.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Free Bike!
It reads:
"This bike is a piece of CRAP, i want it out of my yard. It is available to any one but MARK!!! So email me if you want directions to get it."
I wonder who "MARK" is... Must be her smartass hubby who would gladly claim it as his, but then keep it in the backyard just to grind on her last nerve.
What would be funny is if I got this bike for shits and giggles. I could ride it with my special friend helmet and my neon goggles. Sweet! I feel a halloween costume idea brewing here...
"This bike is a piece of CRAP, i want it out of my yard. It is available to any one but MARK!!! So email me if you want directions to get it."
I wonder who "MARK" is... Must be her smartass hubby who would gladly claim it as his, but then keep it in the backyard just to grind on her last nerve.
What would be funny is if I got this bike for shits and giggles. I could ride it with my special friend helmet and my neon goggles. Sweet! I feel a halloween costume idea brewing here...
Monday, October 15, 2007
Almost-PhD Forever
click images to enlarge
I was taking Procrastin-X (and high doses of ice cream, caffeine and alcohol) to deal with my Post-Bachelor Disorder... Little did I know they were contraindicated. Now I'll never graduate.
I'll forever be just an old, hyper, hungover almost-PhD fatty.
*Tick* *Shudder* *Twitch* *Moan*
The PBD is worse than ever. It says there's a cure but doesn't say what it is!!! I'd do ANYTHING to get rid of my raging PBD!!!
Uh, except work on my thesis. Yeah. Huge oversight there. Woops.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Hibernation via Haagen Dazs
There's a reason why I usually have a giant-sized coffee after lunch rather than half a pint of Vanilla Caramel Latte ice cream.
Coffee: 150 calories with 250 mg caffeine.
Ice cream: 600 calories (and not enough caffeine to wake a sleeping fly).
The question I must ask myself today: Why would I want to maximize both caloric intake and lethargy at the same time?
I don't know. I really don't. The coffee is usually just as good. Luckily Nate took home the Triple Chocolate, or I'd be in triple fat storage mode! Eeek!
I think my body wants to hibernate. Damn you impending winter, damn you!
ps. This is further proof that education doesn't necesarily lead to better choices.
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
Fakers
An army friend of mine was telling me about a guy at the bar the other night who was this close --> <-- to getting beat to a bloody pulp. I guess the guy was bragging about being in the army and how he was in Afghanistan for two years. My friend and his army buddies (who had actually been there and lost comrades) saw right through it. They started asking questions. Basically, the guy's life depended on how he answered these questions. Finally, when he confessed to being totally full of shit, his life was spared.
He also told me that a lot of people fake being in the army when out on Remembrance Day. Keep in mind, this is amongst hoardes of guys in uniform. Are these fakers completely mental? That's like some dope off the street trying to scrub in for surgery. Guaranteed, he's not going to be able to pull that off for long.
I told my friend that I noticed another time of year a when lots of people pretend to be soldiers... Halloween. What a bunch of nutbars with their fake cammy outfits and fake guns. Hey, we can see right through you, mothafockas.
He also told me that a lot of people fake being in the army when out on Remembrance Day. Keep in mind, this is amongst hoardes of guys in uniform. Are these fakers completely mental? That's like some dope off the street trying to scrub in for surgery. Guaranteed, he's not going to be able to pull that off for long.
I told my friend that I noticed another time of year a when lots of people pretend to be soldiers... Halloween. What a bunch of nutbars with their fake cammy outfits and fake guns. Hey, we can see right through you, mothafockas.
Sunday, October 07, 2007
Disturbed by Disturbia?
I don't watch horror movies. This is because I hate having nightmares. And the two usually go together.
Tonight my folks were watching the movie Disturbia. At the start, there was a 14A rating with a warning. Parents were strongly cautioned about their children watching it. I looked over, my parents did nothing. It said something about scenes of extreme violence. Still, they did nothing. So I watched it. It wasn't that scary... Maybe a little tense at times.
Now the parents have gone to bed. I'm alone. And I'm not scared. It's just a heightened sense of awareness. That's all it is really. I notice every sound or slight change in the lighting. Actually, simply realizing that I'm sitting here alone in the middle of the night, in the dark and anything could be out there peering from the darkness into the windows watching me... sends a sense of panic through me.
N-n-nnnopp-pp-pe. N-n-n-ooooott s-s-scaarred.
ps. If I don't post a blog within 48 hours... then I dunno. I loved you all. Good-Bye.
Tonight my folks were watching the movie Disturbia. At the start, there was a 14A rating with a warning. Parents were strongly cautioned about their children watching it. I looked over, my parents did nothing. It said something about scenes of extreme violence. Still, they did nothing. So I watched it. It wasn't that scary... Maybe a little tense at times.
Now the parents have gone to bed. I'm alone. And I'm not scared. It's just a heightened sense of awareness. That's all it is really. I notice every sound or slight change in the lighting. Actually, simply realizing that I'm sitting here alone in the middle of the night, in the dark and anything could be out there peering from the darkness into the windows watching me... sends a sense of panic through me.
N-n-nnnopp-pp-pe. N-n-n-ooooott s-s-scaarred.
ps. If I don't post a blog within 48 hours... then I dunno. I loved you all. Good-Bye.
Thursday, October 04, 2007
Bedtime
My sister gave me some fleece sheets for my birthday. Yep, they're FLEECE.
Yet I still avoid going to bed for some reason. But at least when I do, it's like crawling into a GIANT COTTON BALL. Aahhh YES.
In fact, it's not cotton at all. It's polyethylene terephthalate. (Say that once really fast.) Doesn't it sound scrumptiously comfy! Hmm, not particularly.
According to Wikipedia, polar fleece is "soft, very comfortable to wear... extremely warm even with a relatively thin layer of material." Alternatively, it also says that "users have a tendency to sweat in fleece, as it is an artificial fibre... It tends to generate very high static electricity charges."
Hmm. I'm wondering when this will occur. Hasn't yet.
So how am I not sweating when the fabric is considered "extremely warm"? And what happens when you're sitting in a pool of perspiration and move and a bolt of static shoots from the sheets? Does sweat conduct electricity cuz I'm starting to get a bit worried here.
I'm also thinking I'd better not move in those sheets and fart at the same time. Unless of course they've been treated with some fire retardant material. In which case I'm going to be dead soon anyways as that stuff is mega-toxic!
Oh geez, now I have a good reason to avoid going to bed!
Well, shite. I MUST get some sleep. Alright, I'm off to the "cotton" ball now. Gotta try real hard not to sweat, move, fart or breathe... or at least, not all at once. Could happen.
Yet I still avoid going to bed for some reason. But at least when I do, it's like crawling into a GIANT COTTON BALL. Aahhh YES.
In fact, it's not cotton at all. It's polyethylene terephthalate. (Say that once really fast.) Doesn't it sound scrumptiously comfy! Hmm, not particularly.
According to Wikipedia, polar fleece is "soft, very comfortable to wear... extremely warm even with a relatively thin layer of material." Alternatively, it also says that "users have a tendency to sweat in fleece, as it is an artificial fibre... It tends to generate very high static electricity charges."
Hmm. I'm wondering when this will occur. Hasn't yet.
So how am I not sweating when the fabric is considered "extremely warm"? And what happens when you're sitting in a pool of perspiration and move and a bolt of static shoots from the sheets? Does sweat conduct electricity cuz I'm starting to get a bit worried here.
I'm also thinking I'd better not move in those sheets and fart at the same time. Unless of course they've been treated with some fire retardant material. In which case I'm going to be dead soon anyways as that stuff is mega-toxic!
Oh geez, now I have a good reason to avoid going to bed!
Well, shite. I MUST get some sleep. Alright, I'm off to the "cotton" ball now. Gotta try real hard not to sweat, move, fart or breathe... or at least, not all at once. Could happen.
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
Link: "Tom Cruise is allegedly planning to build a $10 million bunker underneath in preparation for the end of the world."
People who have gone mental always seem to do this.
That's why it would be tough if I actually did get a message from God telling me to build a bunker in order to eventually hide from invading aliens. At that point I certainly couldn't blame anyone for committing me. Hmm, maybe aliens avoid people in mental hospitals. I could only hope at that point.
I hope the folks in outer space don't read celebrity gossip on the internet. Does wireless go out that far? Anyways, if so, the article totally busts Tom on the whereabouts of his hideout! And I think if aliens have mastered space travel, they should be able to penetrate a man-made fortress as well.
Oh well. All the power to ya Tom.
That's why it would be tough if I actually did get a message from God telling me to build a bunker in order to eventually hide from invading aliens. At that point I certainly couldn't blame anyone for committing me. Hmm, maybe aliens avoid people in mental hospitals. I could only hope at that point.
I hope the folks in outer space don't read celebrity gossip on the internet. Does wireless go out that far? Anyways, if so, the article totally busts Tom on the whereabouts of his hideout! And I think if aliens have mastered space travel, they should be able to penetrate a man-made fortress as well.
Oh well. All the power to ya Tom.
Monday, October 01, 2007
When NOT to laugh
We all know that laughter is the best medicine, but there are times when it may actually be bad for your health. This post was inspired by a recent conversation about this very topic. We were chatting about bad times to get the giggles... My friend said- at funerals and the movie The Passion of the Christ.
True dat.
To add to that list, you should never laugh, get the giggles (or even smirk sometimes) under the following circumstances:
When drinking any type of fluid (particularly at a formal dinner).
When robbing a bank (or making serious threats of any kind).
During an academic seminar when a French person pronounces the word "focus" - "fuckus".
While being reprimanded/interrogated by an authority figure (whether it be your parents as a kid, the police or especially while being questioned by border guards).
During a break up... or if you're firing someone (laughing during any type of rejection just adds insult to injury).
When you have to go pee really badly (or worse, if you have severe diarhea).
When you're hiding in a closet (i.e. during an intense game of hide and seek, ninja attack, alien invasion, while your rommate has sex, etc.)
If ever on trial for murder (particularly if you're on the stand being cross examined. However, it may be ok if it's a well-placed OMG-that's-completely-&-utterly-preposterous type of chortle).
After someone else rips a loud fart in public. (Try 'splaining yourself outta that one.)
When a very old or handicapped person falls. ('Nuff said.) And yeah, even if they aren't hurt.
At mentally retarded people, under any circumstance (even if they are trying to be funny.)
Alternatively, at people pretending to be retarded. (That's just not cool).
During sex. (Worse, is the first time you see him naked...) Don't do it, it could scar your sex life for years to come, if not for a lifetime (for him). (Comment by Jen- But if there's a weird noise or something, it's worse to get silent and awkward about it... and sex IS kinda funny!) True dat Jensies, true dat.
That's it. I'm tapped out. Anyone have any other suggestions?
True dat.
To add to that list, you should never laugh, get the giggles (or even smirk sometimes) under the following circumstances:
When drinking any type of fluid (particularly at a formal dinner).
When robbing a bank (or making serious threats of any kind).
During an academic seminar when a French person pronounces the word "focus" - "fuckus".
While being reprimanded/interrogated by an authority figure (whether it be your parents as a kid, the police or especially while being questioned by border guards).
During a break up... or if you're firing someone (laughing during any type of rejection just adds insult to injury).
When you have to go pee really badly (or worse, if you have severe diarhea).
When you're hiding in a closet (i.e. during an intense game of hide and seek, ninja attack, alien invasion, while your rommate has sex, etc.)
If ever on trial for murder (particularly if you're on the stand being cross examined. However, it may be ok if it's a well-placed OMG-that's-completely-&-utterly-preposterous type of chortle).
After someone else rips a loud fart in public. (Try 'splaining yourself outta that one.)
When a very old or handicapped person falls. ('Nuff said.) And yeah, even if they aren't hurt.
At mentally retarded people, under any circumstance (even if they are trying to be funny.)
Alternatively, at people pretending to be retarded. (That's just not cool).
During sex. (Worse, is the first time you see him naked...) Don't do it, it could scar your sex life for years to come, if not for a lifetime (for him). (Comment by Jen- But if there's a weird noise or something, it's worse to get silent and awkward about it... and sex IS kinda funny!) True dat Jensies, true dat.
That's it. I'm tapped out. Anyone have any other suggestions?
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