Roomie Auditions!

I’ve been without a roommate for a while, so I figure if I’m going to get a new one, they’d better be pretty darn special. A pain in the ass isn’t really worth the trouble. So I’ve developed a screening method that will hone down the search to exactly what I'm looking for...

A little Quiz if you will.

It starts with a written portion, first Multiple Choice then Short Answer, followed by a Trial Period with hidden cameras. Here’s an example of what I’ve come up with so far…

MULTIPLE CHOICE
1. How do you handle spills in the kitchen? Do you:
A) Notice.
B) Let falling food lie.
C) Think, “I’ll clean it up later” and then forget, while it collects sock lint, dust bunnies and cat hair until visitors start asking why we decided to put shag carpet in the kitchen.
D) Wipe it up with the clean kitchen cloth and return it to the sink.
E) Clean it right away with an old cloth or paper towel.

2. How do you look with your shirt off?
A) Exactly like Brad Pitt.
B) I’m no Brad Pitt but I’m pretty fit and not shy about showing it.
C) Napoleon Dynamite and me could be twins, and I’m not shy about showing it.
D) Exactly like Homer Simpson but hairier.
E) I never take my shirt off around people, it stinks too much.

3. As soon as you hear Mich arriving home, you immediately:
A) Change the TV from sports to Oprah or The Hour, pour her a glass of wine and prepare for her foot rub.
B) Shut the porn off and race for the bedroom with your clothes.
C) Loudly belch out an impression of Ed McMahon saying, “And heeeere’s Michie!”
D) Ask how her day was and offer to share your beer and pizza.
E) Continue to snore and drule on the couch while the TV blares and your dinner burns on the stove.

4. What do you do when it’s really hot in the apartment?
A) Strip down to your aussiBums and make margueritas.
B) Open the patio door so that the cats run out and the beetles run in.
C) Buy an air conditioner and crank it until the apartment reaches near freezing temperatures.
D) Whine incessantly.
E) Drink beer, curse and sweat all over the furniture.

5. What is the best movie of all time?
A) Anything with Sylvester Stallone or Steven Seagal.
B) Tie between Ace Ventura Pet Detective and Wedding Crashers.
C) Dukes of Hazzard.
D) Deep Throat.
E) Natural Born Killers.

6. Most guys are frequent farters, please choose the answer that best describes your gas.
A) Silent but violent. They’ve been known to wake someone out of a dead sleep, from the smell not the sound.
B) Hard on the ears, easy on the nose.
C) I don’t fart.
D) It’s pretty minimal unless someone gives me cabbage soup, then it’s Shart City all the way.
E) I’m a Secret Agent farter. You may think I’m leaving the room to go pee or get something from my bedroom, but it’s actually Operation Hide-my-Gas in action. I understand that even if my farts don’t smell, no one wants to constantly hear my shorts rumble or smell the air that was just inside my butt. It’s only right.

7. Would you say that Mich’s bedroom is:
A) Completely off-limits, except when she's ready for her massage.
B) Fair game for romping in when she’s away on the weekend.
C) A smorgasbord of interesting tidbits that must be fully investigated (and sniffed).
D) A good place to play practical jokes on her like putting icky stuff in her bed, boobie trapping her door or putting smelly stuff where she’ll never find it.
E) Terrifying. I feel compelled to clean it but steer clear.
F) All of the above.

SHORT ANSWER
1. If a cat was stuck in one tree and there was a beer in the other… and both were about to fall, which one would you catch?
2. How thick does the mould have to get on your dishes before you bring them from your bedroom to the kitchen?
3. Do you know how to load and empty a dishwasher?
4. Do you know all the words to the Offspring – Self Esteem or Green Day – Basket Case? If so, please write out just the chorus. If not, explain honestly.
5. Do you bring friends home at 4AM on a school night? Are they hot?
6. Do you know where the garbage goes in the back alley and how to get it there? Can you pick up on subtle hints such as, “Woah that garbage smells” or “It’s awfully dark out there”…
7. Do you rinse your cereal bowl out immediately after eating breakfast?
8. How many hours per week do you watch sports? What kind of sports? If it’s golf, please explain.
9. Do you pick your nose while watching the TV? If so, please outline the events that follow an average nose-picking session. Does it involve furniture or flicking? If you've answered in the affirmative for any part of this question, please put the quiz down and exit the building immediately. Do not touch anything on your way out. Might as well take my pen with you.
10. Can you hold a conversation about anything other than sports or beer or naked chicks? If so, what can you tell me about important environmental concerns, the philosophical issues surrounding human ethical behaviour or the enzyme kinetics of acetyl-CoA carboxylase? Are you able to write an entire doctoral thesis on the causes of hypertriglyceridemia in diabetes patients?
11. Name 2 food groups besides MacDonald’s and KFC.

HIDDEN CAMERA TRIAL PERIOD
The person with the highest score on the quiz would graduate to moving in for a trial period. The first week there would be some strategic scenarios in place to test his behaviour in specific situations and also, of course, to confirm the honesty of his answers to the written portion. If all goes well when I review the tapes, he could officially move in!

SCENARIOS
New non stick fry pan… does he use the metal or plastic flipper?
Toilet cam… how’s his aim?
He has friends over… does he “borrow” beer to give them, use coasters, participate in or discourage them from tormenting the cats … and are his friends hot?
Music hour… Punk music comes on and gets loud. What is his reaction? Does he panic and frantically try to find the ‘off’ switch or does he dance around? How are his air guitar skills? (Bad air guitar can result in immediate dismissal from the trial period.) When Mich starts singing, does he cringe and run for cover, laugh or sing along?


Well, those are just a few ideas about the roommate auditions. Luckily I don't have to look any further, because Deneen is coming back!!! Yay. Phew! I didn't really want the perfect man around. That's asking for Trouble... and I never ask for that. What was I looking for with this quiz anyways, a roomie or a freakin husband!?!

Ahem. I'm not looking for a husband. Perhaps a House Boy is in order though. Hmm. Just because Deneen is moving in doesn't mean we can't both use a House Boy around here...



FYI: Answers for the Multiple Choice section- 1E, 2B, 3D, 4A, 5B, 6E, 7E.