Songwriter? Check.

I wrote a song this morning. It's called "My Little Monkey." I sang it to my cats.

After all, it was written for them.

I dunno, but early reaction would indicate that it's a hit.

Wiseasses crack me up

Recently I re-read an old wisecrack section in my blog. It's from the 20 Questions post. Anyways, it re-cracked me up so I'm posting it today. Enjoy the bizarreness.

Anonymous said...
I've read a few posts and have a few questions about you.you are 36 and a student? have you changed careers, spent time traveling, prison? just curiouswhat do you want to be when you grow up?36 and single, marriage, children, how do you feel about these - have you thought of freezing eggs for future use?why the strange fascination with bathroom issues? were you raised in a family of boys?
12:26 PM

Procrastinatrix said...
Mich and I met in prison, where we were detained for 10 years and she was my "bitch". She was taught all about bathroom issues there where she also volunteered to have her eggs frozen for future use. During her prison time, where she was serving a sentence for "being too cute", she also received an undergraduate degree in nutrition, since the food sucked at the prison. Following her release (since after 10 years, she ain't so cute no more) her present supervisor thought she knew so much stuff about bathroom issues that she would be PERFECT for a PhD candidate in nutrition. You eat it, eventually you have to poop it. Mich was destined to be living on a hudderite commune in southern Alberta, but she decided that the pregnant and barefoot life was not for her. Plus, those hudderite outfits get caught up in your mouth when you are drinking Gin and sevens at the bar. I think we should be proud of Mich, for overcoming of life of Hudderitism, and prison! She has truly grown into the person I know and love today. (and soon she will be Mich, PhD)
12:55 PM

michie said...
First of all, how the F did it get out that I DID TIME??? Geez, there’s no privacy anymore! Secondly, I’m all for marriage if you can find me a fricken SAINT (he has to be DAMN HOT too, and usually the 2 are mutually exclusive. Oh yeah, and he also has to like me back). Anyways, why would I want to buy the pig when I can get the pork for free!?!?! Thirdly, KIDS? Those little rugrats would tear apart the world as I know it. It’s almost impossible to have kids and be intensely self-absorbed at the same time (although I’m sure it’s been done). I’d also have to make a choice, gin… kids… gin… kids… that’s a tough one because obviously I like both. Plus, I’d have to be, yikes, RESPONSIBLE. Now, that answers the question about growing up; I just never intend to. And this explains my continuous seepage of vulgar bathroom humour, because as long as I never grow up I can be a total juvenile ass. Case in point.Well folks, this has been another edition of “Mich sucks and here’s why”… stay tuned for the 3 part series, where investigative reporters delve deeeep into these questions and more:

She’s kinda purdy so why is she alone?
How can a person who has so much going for them be such an incredible fuck-up?
Why does Mich insist on pole vaulting over the classy line EVERY TIME?
Is there a secret ingredient in Gin that actually makes her life worth living?
Why do so many Hutterite children strongly resemble Mich?
And finally, if the Hutterite story proves to be bunk, the logical question is: Why is Mich not selling her eggs on E-bay so that at least others can bear her children?
2:10 PM

Bealer said...
Lemme guess, anonymous...you are a 42 year old virgin living in your mother's basement and wishing you had someone to play Dungeons and Dragons with since you killed your cute little bunny rabbit. I wonder what your fascination is with a 36 yr old ex-con, almost PhD hotty? No, she does not moonlight as a dominatrix and she did not go by "Dungeon Lord" in prison. My curiosity is, what do you want to be when you grow up? Lenny, Kenny or Spenny?
2:21 PM

bealer said...
Mich - I found the smelly poo blob!oh no, wait. Nevermind.
2:24 PM

[haha yeah... this is in reference to a poo/grass/gum/mud blob she had on her shoe. When she tried to flick it off, it went flying and landed somewhere in the kitchen at work, but she couldn't find it.]

Procrastinatrix said...
okay, i have one question for anonymous. Why are you wondering if Mich is interested in freezing her eggs? Is it because you are 15 and are hoping in ten years she would be willing to bear your children? You must know she likes the young'uns.
6:06 PM

michie said...
Well anonymous, thanks for the perfect fodder for a long conversation which didn't say much of anything. It was fun though. I fear that we've now succeeded in scaring away any possible future commenters on my blog. Oopsie daisy. I think my friends assumed that 'anonymous' was male, and hence, potentially creepy. I can see it just being a curious female who isn't quite sure why a chick such as myself would still be in school, not making babies, the whole while telling a multitude of fart jokes. I recognize my unconventional nature and celebrate it here. That's all.
2:41 PM

Anonymous said...
Wow, I was right about prison, it was a toss up between that, lapsed nun, coma girl or weird circus story. Can't believe I got it right.Not male, not 42 or 15. 30ish mother, and there are days I wished I would have chosen the gin instead.As for the frozen eggs, I have a friend my age whose wealthy aunt has offered to do this for her (her own eggs, not her aunts), and I have heard of other like stories as well, guess it's hedging your bets.No harm intended, just figured you were witty and had to have some stories about how you got to where you are now.Congrats on the almost phd.
2:52 PM

michie said...
Cool enough anonymous... Uh, I left out the Circus stories, because they were just too weird for this blog and I worry what people will think of me. Either way, I don't regret the, ahem, monkey episode. That one will die with me. Unless of course, I get into the Gin one night and do the fatal mistake of drinking and blogging.
10:15 AM

Procrastinatrix said...
I am glad to know its not creepy stalker. Strange questions overall, but me calling something strange is fairly relative. ;)
1:21 PM

Why? We just want to know WHY...

Jerry Seinfeld once said, "I think when you first start dating, they ought to give you 3 ‘Get out of Relationship Free’ cards so you can just go up to the person and say, 'Uh, here you go. I’m sorry. I’ll grab my tennis racquet. Don’t get up. Best of luck…'"


A while ago, a guy I was dating decided he didn't want to date me anymore. Ouch. He must've thought he had a stash of "Get Out Of Relationship Free" cards because he gave me absolutely no explanation. When I asked WHY, his exact words were (and I can quote him because he broke it off by email... sheesh): "Sorry but that's one question I won't answer...just because of past experiences I've learned some things are better left unsaid."


It would be really handy in life to get away with that answer.

Boss: Why are you late for work?

You: Sorry but that's one question I won't answer...just because of past experiences I've learned some things are better left unsaid.

You: Doc, why do I have raging diarhea?

Doc: Sorry but that's one question I won't answer...just because of past experiences I've learned some things are better left unsaid.



Woman: How many sex partners have you had?

Man: Sorry but that's one question I won't answer...just because of past experiences I've learned some things are better left unsaid.

Woman: Have you ever had a one night stand?

Man: Sorry but that's one question I won't answer...just because of past experiences I've learned some things are better left unsaid.

Woman: Have you ever had sex with my sister?

Man: Sorry but that's one question I won't answer...just because of past experiences I've learned some things are better left unsaid.

Woman: How about a donkey?

Man: Sorry but that's one question I won't answer...just because of past experiences I've learned some things are better left unsaid.

Woman: Have you ever had an STD?

Man: Sorry but that's one question I won't answer...just because of past experiences I've learned some things are better left unsaid.

Woman: Do you have an STD infection right now?

Man: Sorry but that's one question I won't answer...just because of past experiences I've learned some things are better left unsaid.

Woman: Do you wanna have sex right now?

Man: YES!

Woman: Do you have a condom?

Man: Sorry but that's one question I won't answer...just because of past experiences I've learned some things are better left unsaid.



Ok, so I know guys avoid being honest so they can dodge all sense of responsibility... and possible waterworks. But if us women aren't given any reason, we make up all sorts of stuff in our heads. Maybe my breath smelled or he thought it was weird how I rambled on about poo or he saw my butt in those bad jeans which I can never ever wear again or he misunderstood what I said about hurting kittens...

Blah blah blah. Guess I'll never know.

Ramblings from a messy desk... and even messier head

Optimism.
The other day I told someone that my brain was half empty. But I'm an optimist, so I like to think of of my brain as half full...

Dating.
I always forget the meaning of 'later' as in when a guys says, "call you later". In girlspeak, it means "later TODAY"... in boyspeak it could mean 'later today' (not likely), 'later this week' or even 'later, in our next life'.

Pedestrians.
Why are they so stunned? Could they walk any slower across the street while everyone WAITS? Some of them even run to get to the crosswalk and then revert to slow-mo as they cross. The music playing in my car even slows down as I wait. Sometimes I clean my car, make a few phone calls and paint my nails while they cross. People, snap out of it!

Cars.
Well, I totalled my car for the umpteenth time. Yeah, that's right: umpteenth. My little Honda gave in like it was made of tin foil. Oh yeah, I think it might be. The guy who hit it was Asian, 82 years old and didn't speak English. His car (the torpedo/tank) was unharmed during the incident. Freakin indestructible. Methinks my next car should be a 1995 Volvo.

Vitamin C.
I love vitamin C pills. Chalk full of fake orange goodness. Yum. Hmm, maybe that's why my dentist asked why there was no more enamel on my molars...

Nectarines.
Why do I always get suckered into buying them at the grocery store? Every effen year. Somehow they go straight from rock hard to rotten. Every effen time. Slow learner.

Ice Cream.
I figured out why my Dad has ice cream left in the freezer from when I visited two weeks ago. This had me puzzled. The trick? Keep the freezer so cold that it's literally impossible to scoop more than half a centimetre of ice cream out at a time. Pretty soon you give up. And then try to straighten out the spoon handle.

Quote of the Day.
"I'm trying to turn down the suck in my life, and turn up the awesome." - Jensies

Optimism, again, sorta.
And if at first you don't succeed, keep tryin' (to turn down the suck). Someone please tell me, where's the freakin' knob already???

yikes

I put contacts in and had to re-do my makeup.

The plan

I recently gave feedback on a grant proposal. The Professor who had asked me for input works at another University in another town. The response?

"You are a gifted writer! Excellent sugggestions for change... You have a very bright future ahead of you in academics."

I've been thinking about doing a post doc in their lab. At least, that's the plan.

When do I tell everyone my real plan? That is-- moving to the caribean, sitting in front of my laptop on the beach, sipping my coffee (or mojitos after 4pm) and writing drivel all day? (In between swims in the ocean and naps in the hammock.) Ahhhhhhhhh yes. It even felt good to write that.

You (heart) you!

Why do a lot of couples look alike? Do you love the way you look sooo much that you'd 'do' the opposite sex version of yourself? Wow, that's some self-lovin' taken to a whole other level.

Many people say they're looking for the female/male version of themselves. Same interests? Same personality? You'd want that? I don't get it. I mean, I like myself enough but hanging with me all the time would drive me nuts! Sure, we'd laugh double hard at our own jokes... But all of my bad habits, they'd be double annoying! Intellectual conversations? We'd always be agreeing. That's no fun! The potential for procrastination would be bloody scary. And well, the relationship would probably never even get off the ground in the first place because both of us would be too timid to make the first move! Krike.

The point is that you're with yourself 24/7, why not hang out with someone different?

Some people must love the hell outta themselves.

Balls... ?

This is just weird (really, what on this blog could pass as non-weird) but I've had a song in my head all morning. Not sure if you'd know the tune, but the lyrics go:

Do your balls hang low
Do you swing them to and fro
Can you tie them in a knot
Can you tie them in a bow

There are several problems with this scenario. They are, as I see it, four fold:

1) My sanity, but beyond that...
2) Those are all the words I know. So those same stupid lyrics spin around in my brain like a broken record. Krike.
3) It also makes one start to ponder; how low can they go? Do they swing to and fro? Could you tie them in a knot, could you tie them in a bow? Could you? I bet some can. I mean, if there are penis controtionists like the Puppetry of the Penis guys, there must be ball sack deformists as well. It only stands to reason.
4) When lyrics are in your head, you just want to sing them out loud. It seems the only way to purge. These ones? No purging was done on campus this morning. In fact, I can't seem to utter these ones out loud. At all.


Alas, my mind wanders back to... Could you tie them in a knot?

Hmmm. I actually don't enjoy thinking about balls this much. I'd better listen to some Sound of Music and get the balls outta my head... I've got big balls... Get your balls to the wall... Chocolate salty balls... UGH.

The Female Cycle

Click image to enlarge.

I thought this diagram may help some of the men out there. If you know when menstruation is, then you can figure out when your chances are best for gettin' some and when you should just give up and buy her chocolate!

Of course, it varies somewhat from woman to woman, so use this guide at your own risk...


Note: The reference to Brad Pitt in no way infers that you need to look like Brad Pitt to have a shot at tappin' that during this "amorous" period in her cycle. However, if you're going to test this theory, a little alcohol may greatly improve your odds.

Warning: Further to the statement of using this guide at your own risk, it should be reiterated that if she's drunk and ovulating, your odds of being called "Daddy" in the near future also increases substantially.

Miracles happen, they can't always be explained...

I saw this on the wall outside a guy's office. Got a chuckle. Oh how I can relate!

Coffee Abstainer? What the?

Why are coffee drinkers so incredibly shocked when people tell them they don't drink it?

The jaw drops to the floor and the question inevitably follows- "You WHAT? You don't... Y-Y-Y-YOU DON'T DRINK COFFEE????" It's almost like they were just told that someone doesn't brush their teeth... or even breathe. Of course this groundbreaking discovery usually comes in the middle of a coffeeshop where you uh, invited the person to for a, ahem, coffee...

Then follows a barrage of questions.

You don't drink ANY coffee, like ever?
Not even iced coffee?
WHY NOT?
What do you do? Like, in the morning... Uh, how do you... ?

Mass confusion ensues. It blows their mind. (It's almost but not quite as profound as when someone says they don't drink.) Why? Well, because coffee is a double whammy of goodness. It's a yummy and effective drug delivery system. Pretty damn ideal folks. Mmmmm cooffeeeee. I'm slurpin' one down at this very moment.

I'll have to reread this and make corrections after the caffeine hits.

Chasing Rainbows

I had to get off the phone with my sister yesterday in a hurry-- there was a wicked rainbow outside my window!!! By the time I grabbed my camera and went outside, it was gone. Then the sun peeked through again and there it was... SPLENDOUR. I love rainbows and I'm always taking photos of them. I'm not sure what it is about Edmonton, but I've never seen so many rainbows in my life. It has to do with the fact that the rain usually moves through in the evening and then clears out, as it clears out the sun creates a rainbow.

I like this photo a lot. The light caught this lady at just the right instant. Lucky. I have a photo from a few seconds later, she's in shadow and it doesn't work quite as well.

Now, back to work for me. Chasing rainbows... The storm is just starting to clear out, and I'm hoping Roy G. Biv shows up here by next spring!

The Invention of the Machine Gun

The invention of the machine gun has to be one of the most influential inventions of all time. On one hand, it sucks. To increase the efficiency of killing people is certainly not a happy thing at all. Nope, not happy. I would think.

But could you imagine an action flick nowadays without the "rat-tat-tat-tat!!!" of a semi-automatic? Would Rambo have been "Rambo" without the huge gun and ammunition belt slung around his shoulder? (Um, I'm trying to think about what Rambo looked like and I'm picturing him with the gun and ammunition belt... too lazy to Google it).

So yeah there's that. But there's the many other influences the machine gun has had on society today. The shooter belt made to look like a belt of bullets... ah ah? Yeah, what would we do without that? And machine gun-style water guns? The machine gun made water guns cool again.

The biggest thing, to me, is the sound a machine gun makes... How many things do we describe with that sound effect? A friend of mine said her husband's snore sounded like a machine gun the other night. She had no idea what it was at first, and then he woke up in mid-machine gun snore and he couldn't believe he was making that sound! Also, what about the rat-tat-tat-tat of a machine gun fart? How else would you describe the fart to someone without the semi-automatic reference??? Yep, that's a rapid fire weapon if I've ever heard one!!!

Cartoonize me!!!

The shit that people can waste time on... I've been playing on the Simpsons Movie website, Simpsonizing myself and a few other people I know. I wanna do all my friends!!! Here is one rendition... You upload a picture of yourself and it converts to the Simpson version, but then you can adjust it. So I changed a few things (to make myself less hideous of course, haha, jk...) just to make it look more like me. Of course I had to change the nose to the pig nose version, but I don't know why the skin went so dark. Oh what a lovely tan I have!!! Oh well.


Now go waste some time and send me the fruits of your labour: Simpsonize Me.

Long time no blog

Yeah well... My head hasn't been "in the game." Blogs have run through the mind lately, but I never wrote anything down! Oh well, no one is at work lately anyways, and that's when people read blogs. No one reads blogs on their days off! Are ya kidding me?