Oh man. I just read an article about this scientist that says he's found the formula for the ideal, uh, BUTT. I first heard about it on Sonic… I guess this scientist’s name is Dr. David Holmes and he claims to have found a mathematical equation for the perfect behind. I don’t really care to have anyone CALCULATE how bad my ass is… But, I guess I’m staying indoors this summer!!! Which I was going to anyways, sitting on my badly contained jelly for hours and days on end writing my thesis, guaranteeing that it gets flattened into a cheese slice!
Anyways, if you’re curious, the formula is ... ((S+C) x (B + F))/(T-V)
Where:
S = overall shape
C = circularity or spherical buttocks
B = bounce factor
F = touch firmness
V = vertical ratio
T = skin texture
OVERALL SHAPE: Which best describes your bum?
A trodden-on doughnut - 1
A pear dropped from a great height - 2
Rounded but dimpled, making it look square - 3
Big but more narrow than high - 4
A small peach shape - 5
CIRCULARITY: Which of these represents your bum?
Square as a cheese slice - 1
Like an egg is round - 2
More pear shaped - 3
Pair of pink grapefruits - 4
BOUNCE: How resilient is your bum?
Nothing can stop this badly contained jelly - 1
Wobbles for 30 seconds after one flick - 2
Cheeks don't meet when I walk - 3
Only bounce during sex – 4
During aerobics, doesn't even quiver - 5
TOUCH FIRMNESS: Which best describes your bum firmness to the touch?
Could lose a hand in here - 1
Makes a dimple if pressed - 2
Can't press in a centimetre - 3
Latex-coated cricket ball - 4
VERTICAL RATIO: Select nearest to your ratio.
Like a traffic cone - 4
Bigger at the bottom - 3
Symmetrical both ways - 2
Like a pert pair of breasts - 1
SKIN TEXTURE: How is your bum complexion?
Cellulite, spots, orange peel -- you name it! - 4
Dimpling on underside - 3
Spotty but no dimpling - 2
Like a baby's - 1
HOW DID MY BUM SCORE?
Perfection! - 80
Reach for the beach! - 60
Exercise! Diet! Hope! - 40
Keep your clothes on! - 20
Stay indoors! – 0
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