Tis the season to be hairy

We’ve come to that time of year… Winter + No boyfriend = LEG HAIR GROWING SEASON. It’s kind of scary actually. I wonder if hair actually grows faster in cold weather? And is there a max length it can reach? Boys? I’m assuming your leg hair stays the same length? Does it get thicker as you age or just migrate to your back? Anyways, I don’t even recognize my legs anymore. I look down in the shower and scream for a second until I realize those are my legs and not some primate intruder’s.

That brings me to another puzzling question. They say fat distribution is genetically determined, however, isn’t it there to keep us warm? Furthermore, is it possible that we gain more fat where we get really cold? I wouldn’t be surprised if this is the case because I always bundle up on top, but on the bottom I only have a thin layer of denim between myself and the cold. It seems logical and the proof is evident. My body seems to be laying down insulation like crazy down there!

So it follows that there’s only one answer to this situation… If I wear down-filled snow pants all the time and keep it all toasty down there, then perhaps my legs will slim down PLUS my leg hair will cease its takeover. It’s a win-win situation. But that’s only Part 1 of this brilliant plan, the best idea EVER is Part 2. Yes indeed, this is GENIUS! Wait though… Come to think of it, there may be finger pointing and even car accidents. "Keep it in the circus!" Children and adults alike would run screaming. "Freeeaaak!!!" Plus I’d ruin a lot of clothes as I cut out the chest area on all of them. Most importantly: is the risk of frostbite on the nips really worth it?

Hmm. I may have to abandon this experiment until I think it through a little more. The theory seemed sound, but in practice it may not work out so well. For now I guess I’ll put up with the sasquatch legs [Hey look, it's Big Foot!!!] …or just give in and get out the ol’ weed wacker.