The plan

I recently gave feedback on a grant proposal. The Professor who had asked me for input works at another University in another town. The response?

"You are a gifted writer! Excellent sugggestions for change... You have a very bright future ahead of you in academics."

I've been thinking about doing a post doc in their lab. At least, that's the plan.

When do I tell everyone my real plan? That is-- moving to the caribean, sitting in front of my laptop on the beach, sipping my coffee (or mojitos after 4pm) and writing drivel all day? (In between swims in the ocean and naps in the hammock.) Ahhhhhhhhh yes. It even felt good to write that.

You (heart) you!

Why do a lot of couples look alike? Do you love the way you look sooo much that you'd 'do' the opposite sex version of yourself? Wow, that's some self-lovin' taken to a whole other level.

Many people say they're looking for the female/male version of themselves. Same interests? Same personality? You'd want that? I don't get it. I mean, I like myself enough but hanging with me all the time would drive me nuts! Sure, we'd laugh double hard at our own jokes... But all of my bad habits, they'd be double annoying! Intellectual conversations? We'd always be agreeing. That's no fun! The potential for procrastination would be bloody scary. And well, the relationship would probably never even get off the ground in the first place because both of us would be too timid to make the first move! Krike.

The point is that you're with yourself 24/7, why not hang out with someone different?

Some people must love the hell outta themselves.

Balls... ?

This is just weird (really, what on this blog could pass as non-weird) but I've had a song in my head all morning. Not sure if you'd know the tune, but the lyrics go:

Do your balls hang low
Do you swing them to and fro
Can you tie them in a knot
Can you tie them in a bow

There are several problems with this scenario. They are, as I see it, four fold:

1) My sanity, but beyond that...
2) Those are all the words I know. So those same stupid lyrics spin around in my brain like a broken record. Krike.
3) It also makes one start to ponder; how low can they go? Do they swing to and fro? Could you tie them in a knot, could you tie them in a bow? Could you? I bet some can. I mean, if there are penis controtionists like the Puppetry of the Penis guys, there must be ball sack deformists as well. It only stands to reason.
4) When lyrics are in your head, you just want to sing them out loud. It seems the only way to purge. These ones? No purging was done on campus this morning. In fact, I can't seem to utter these ones out loud. At all.


Alas, my mind wanders back to... Could you tie them in a knot?

Hmmm. I actually don't enjoy thinking about balls this much. I'd better listen to some Sound of Music and get the balls outta my head... I've got big balls... Get your balls to the wall... Chocolate salty balls... UGH.

The Female Cycle

Click image to enlarge.

I thought this diagram may help some of the men out there. If you know when menstruation is, then you can figure out when your chances are best for gettin' some and when you should just give up and buy her chocolate!

Of course, it varies somewhat from woman to woman, so use this guide at your own risk...


Note: The reference to Brad Pitt in no way infers that you need to look like Brad Pitt to have a shot at tappin' that during this "amorous" period in her cycle. However, if you're going to test this theory, a little alcohol may greatly improve your odds.

Warning: Further to the statement of using this guide at your own risk, it should be reiterated that if she's drunk and ovulating, your odds of being called "Daddy" in the near future also increases substantially.

Miracles happen, they can't always be explained...

I saw this on the wall outside a guy's office. Got a chuckle. Oh how I can relate!

Coffee Abstainer? What the?

Why are coffee drinkers so incredibly shocked when people tell them they don't drink it?

The jaw drops to the floor and the question inevitably follows- "You WHAT? You don't... Y-Y-Y-YOU DON'T DRINK COFFEE????" It's almost like they were just told that someone doesn't brush their teeth... or even breathe. Of course this groundbreaking discovery usually comes in the middle of a coffeeshop where you uh, invited the person to for a, ahem, coffee...

Then follows a barrage of questions.

You don't drink ANY coffee, like ever?
Not even iced coffee?
WHY NOT?
What do you do? Like, in the morning... Uh, how do you... ?

Mass confusion ensues. It blows their mind. (It's almost but not quite as profound as when someone says they don't drink.) Why? Well, because coffee is a double whammy of goodness. It's a yummy and effective drug delivery system. Pretty damn ideal folks. Mmmmm cooffeeeee. I'm slurpin' one down at this very moment.

I'll have to reread this and make corrections after the caffeine hits.

Chasing Rainbows

I had to get off the phone with my sister yesterday in a hurry-- there was a wicked rainbow outside my window!!! By the time I grabbed my camera and went outside, it was gone. Then the sun peeked through again and there it was... SPLENDOUR. I love rainbows and I'm always taking photos of them. I'm not sure what it is about Edmonton, but I've never seen so many rainbows in my life. It has to do with the fact that the rain usually moves through in the evening and then clears out, as it clears out the sun creates a rainbow.

I like this photo a lot. The light caught this lady at just the right instant. Lucky. I have a photo from a few seconds later, she's in shadow and it doesn't work quite as well.

Now, back to work for me. Chasing rainbows... The storm is just starting to clear out, and I'm hoping Roy G. Biv shows up here by next spring!

The Invention of the Machine Gun

The invention of the machine gun has to be one of the most influential inventions of all time. On one hand, it sucks. To increase the efficiency of killing people is certainly not a happy thing at all. Nope, not happy. I would think.

But could you imagine an action flick nowadays without the "rat-tat-tat-tat!!!" of a semi-automatic? Would Rambo have been "Rambo" without the huge gun and ammunition belt slung around his shoulder? (Um, I'm trying to think about what Rambo looked like and I'm picturing him with the gun and ammunition belt... too lazy to Google it).

So yeah there's that. But there's the many other influences the machine gun has had on society today. The shooter belt made to look like a belt of bullets... ah ah? Yeah, what would we do without that? And machine gun-style water guns? The machine gun made water guns cool again.

The biggest thing, to me, is the sound a machine gun makes... How many things do we describe with that sound effect? A friend of mine said her husband's snore sounded like a machine gun the other night. She had no idea what it was at first, and then he woke up in mid-machine gun snore and he couldn't believe he was making that sound! Also, what about the rat-tat-tat-tat of a machine gun fart? How else would you describe the fart to someone without the semi-automatic reference??? Yep, that's a rapid fire weapon if I've ever heard one!!!

Cartoonize me!!!

The shit that people can waste time on... I've been playing on the Simpsons Movie website, Simpsonizing myself and a few other people I know. I wanna do all my friends!!! Here is one rendition... You upload a picture of yourself and it converts to the Simpson version, but then you can adjust it. So I changed a few things (to make myself less hideous of course, haha, jk...) just to make it look more like me. Of course I had to change the nose to the pig nose version, but I don't know why the skin went so dark. Oh what a lovely tan I have!!! Oh well.


Now go waste some time and send me the fruits of your labour: Simpsonize Me.

Long time no blog

Yeah well... My head hasn't been "in the game." Blogs have run through the mind lately, but I never wrote anything down! Oh well, no one is at work lately anyways, and that's when people read blogs. No one reads blogs on their days off! Are ya kidding me?