The Perfect Boyfriend

Deneen gave me an early Christmas present... It's a giant human-length pillow, perfect for nocturnal cuddling. She calls it the perfect boyfriend!!!

I've tried it out the last few nights. He's not bad, not bad at all. I'm not sure about perfect though. Here's my breakdown of the situation:


Ways he's just like a typical boyfriend:

Useless at the times you need him most.

Makes me overheat and I have to kick him to the other side of the bed in the middle of the night.


Ways he's better than a typical boyfriend:

Doesn't toss and turn, hog the covers, fart, grunt/snore, try to take my pillow or tickle me.

Doesn't mind if I do one of the above (uh, only one... and I'm not saying which one).

Never crawls into bed in the middle of the night smelling like booze or cigarettes.

I don't have to feel guilty about reading in bed.

Doesn't eat in the bed or leave his underwear on the floor (he doesn't even wear underwear... actually just these starry glow-in-the-dark flannel PJs, also known as a pillowcase).

There's no groping, or ahem, poking.


Ways he's not as good as a typical boyfriend:

A little too soft (maybe he should get his ass outta bed sometime and WORK OUT).

Doesn't spoon.

Lack of pillow talk (It's a little tiresome when I do ALL the talking).

There's no groping, or ahem, poking.