I don’t do animals... Human studies are (quite frankly) a pain in the arse... err, I mean long and complicated, but that’s what I enlisted for.
People ask me what it involved for my human guinea pigs... After my rambling explanation, their reaction is always: "How did you get people to sign up for THAT?" As if I was torturing them or something… Ok, it probably was somewhat torturous. Yep, I torture people for a living. But at least it's torture with informed consent... (Uh yeah, that sounded weird.)
When I'm asked what I do, I like to phrase it: "Human experimentation."
So back to how I get people to sign up for torture... I have no flippin' idea!!! But thank God they did because I wasn’t ethically allowed to pay them! That left me with little bribing power on my side.
Quite a few dropped out. It was bad news for me when that happened, especially if they quit after going through part of the study already. I wanted scream through the phone at a lady who, when she was apologizing for pulling a no-show twice already, told me that the fact she'd missed two appointments must mean it was "a sign" that she shouldn't be in the study. Everyone near me at that moment must have heard a THUD (my jaw hitting the floor). Seriously, how do you counter that one?
You’ve NEVER seen me be so sickeningly nice to people as I was to those who volunteered for my study. Sure, of course I was beyond appreciative of their time and effort, but I also REALLY needed them to tolerate the torture until the bitter end! I would've done cartwheels, backflips and even taken a pie in the face (or several, if that’s what it took... just let it cool a little first) in order to keep my participants participating! Hell, I would have stripped naked and streaked across QUAD in trade for their cooperation. Maybe not. I would’ve done a lot of things, but streaking...? Well ok, I'd do it, but only as a last resort. And only if I could wear body hose so it looked like I was naked, but with maximal minimization of the jiggle-age (kind of like Kirstie Alley in a bikini on Oprah the other day. Shit, I’d even go on Oprah in a bikini if I was allowed wear boob to toe blubber-taming hose… Um, but I'll need a few months notice too. Ha... ha... ha ha ha. Ahem).
Funny thing though, when we said good-bye after completing the last day of the study, they thanked me.
Wait. What the? Let me get this straight-- I just made you write down every single thing you ate for 2 weeks, eat my food for 6 days, hooked an I.V. to your arm and took blood every 2 hours for 6 hours while missing out on what you could've been doing instead on a Saturday…
... and YOU are thanking ME?
Oh no no NO people. THANK YOU.
Now if I could only just turn all that effort into three little letters... PhD. Lord this is taking a long time.
6 comments:
perhaps at the end of the day you could offer them each a pie to throw at you? After torturing them, it would be a good outlet and incentive to show up next time. Heck, I'd even show up.
Truthfully, I'd love to take a pie in the face. It would be one of those things that looks like I'd be sacrificing myself for the joy of others, when the whole time I'd be loving it!!!
So here's the deal... you come visit me and I will gladly take a pie in the face. There, it's out there. Now what's your next move missy?
And the visit can't be when/if you come up when I graduate. It has to be a visit just to come see me.
hmmmm.... tempting offer. I have heard how impeccably clean your house is, however. I'd hate to mess it up!
Write down everything I eat for two weeks?----no problem. Blood letting every two ours, an I.V.?--no problem. But eat your food for 6 days? What the??? Carrots, lettuce, spinach, rice, fish ----that's not FOOD!
Now tell me more about the six days of chocolate.
yeah, working with people is definitely *interesting* in every positive and negative sense of the word ....
but don't start complaining to ME sista! You think YOU have problems!? Trying convincing transplant patients and normal people to come in for the same IV-torture but instead of eating your diet for 6 days I have to convince them to eat it for 4 WEEKS and that our chocolate covered fish oil bars are actually tasty and delicious. Don't preach to the choir! Hahaha - it's true, though, it makes you reach depths of niceness (it's a word as of right now people), understanding and cooperation you never thought possible. And I also did a double-take when a patient thanked me ... I was like, for WHAT! That's why at the end of testing days I'm exhausted not only from the 14-hour day but also because of smiling *ting* all damn day. Honestly, people who volunteer their time (and bodies) for research are truly selfless people and got a whole lot of good karma comin' their way! God bless them. That reminds me ... I should be getting my Christmas cards ready to send out to them (yes I bribe them with Christmas cards ... I also can't pay them so I figure at least I can show I appreciate them! ... one card at a time).
Yes, I have to admit, the people who volunteered for and stuck with my study were the bestest. They turned out to be seriously awesome people and I enjoyed getting to know them.
The two people that I worked with on those days of "bloodletting" were total goofballs, so I was mostly tired of smiling because my cheeks hurt from laughing so much. They made those days bearable and put the patients at ease too. Ah, there's nothing like laughing a lot to make the tough times a little less grueling.
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