Still can't say no to crack

The jeans fast is officially over!!! Some of you may know that I’ve banned myself from buying jeans since last fall… and I’ve stuck to it (mostly out of financial necessity).

When I went shopping with my friend Vanessa a while ago, I saw a pair of jeans that looked pretty good (and were on sale for $40) and yet I STILL said NO. Yeah, unbelievable… They were nice but impractical because they were total lowriders. My crack was trying desperately to escape the jeans as I just stood there. This is a lovely sight for anyone who has the privilege, by the way. Anyways, when I went to the mall this weekend, they were marked down even further… $15!!!! This was too much for a pantoholic to endure.

So I wore them to school today, because I MUST always wear new clothes right away. I threw on a very long shirt in a last ditch effort to reduce the dangers of capricious crack-flash, also known as passive but persistent plumber-butt… Plus they’re just a tad snug, so I felt a bit like I was being squeezed out the top of them as if out of a tube of toothpaste.

That’s HOT.

But... if I keep the shirt pulled down and don't bend or sit, they look pretty darn good!!!

It's sad that I have to HO out everything else about me just so my butt looks good. But for dirt-cheap hotpants, that's just what I'm going to have to do.

La-La-LOVE my mp3 player

My mp3 player is the greatest thing EVER (thanks Lanny;). It’s so awesome to have a soundtrack to my life! Everything is so much more fun (biking, walking, working). It even makes tedious tasks such as data entry and cleaning so much more bearable.

However, I’ve identified a few drawbacks to the technology.

There’s the obvious; listening too long or too loud can damage your hearing. And it’s true, some people crank that thing so loud that you can hear it across the bus. This can cause hearing problems RIGHT NOW though (not just later in life). Being enveloped in musical bliss may mean you don’t realize:

A) That __________ (insert one of a multitude of bodily functions) was, in fact, audible to others (unbeknownst to you).

B) Since you didn't hear them, someone caught you singing or __________ (insert bodily function). You proceed to jump, blush and then speak to them in a VERY loud voice (also without realizing how loud you're being).

C) Someone is yelling at you and you can’t hear them (it could be “nice ass” or “hey chick, you dropped your keys!”… Both of which you may want to know.)

D) That as you sing or even lip sync to the music, you appear to onlooking drivers as if you’re one of those constant chatter-to-yourself crazy people. Hmmm, can they tell that you’re actually walking to-the-beat? And then there's the random passerbys who catch you doing air guitar, beating imaginary drums and cymbals… or worse (see B).

Oh well, overall it’s worth it. I can’t think of anything that could possibly make it better.

Um, but someone else has… and it’s called iBuzz. Now you can REALLY LOOOOVE your mp3 player!!! No wonder people are going deaf! ...“turn up the music for stronger vibrations”... It adds a whole new meaning to that song by Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch (“It's such a good vibration, come on come on come on, its such a sweet sensation, feel it feel it”).

So next time you see someone really 'getting into' their iPod... uh yeah.

Preparation H for Puff Mama?

Ok so I'm wondering how many other puffy's there are out there... Because BY FAR the most searched term that brings people to my blog is some variation of "preparation h face".

I'm not kidding.

At LEAST once a day, someone finds my blog "Preparation H for the Face" this way. Between puffy faces and swollen asses, that company must be makin' a lotta dough!

Hey, IF I decide to try it... although I still have reservations (the puffiness has reached such extreme levels lately it's definitely tempting)... anyways, IF I decide to try it, perhaps I'll report back to you. I hope the store clerk doesn't make any ASSumptions about what I'm using it for;) That may not be a problem when s/he looks up at my bulging mug-baggage though. Yikes.

Hmmm... or I could just try to get more sleep.

Geez, life is sooooooo complicated!!!

UPDATE...

So once again someone googled PH and found my blog entry. I did some investigation and found this article: Does Preparation H Cure Baggy Eyes? I can't imagine how many hits this thing gets a day. Anyways, it states in the article that PH probably doesn't help baggy eyes. And everything you read on the internet is true, right?
They had some other bag prevention suggestions:

(1) Sleep with your head slightly elevated to minimize fluid retention.
(2) Avoid booze and salty foods, which can cause water retention.
(3) If you have allergies, take antihistamines and don't rub your eyes.
(4) Remove any makeup carefully to avoid getting particles in your eyes.
(5) To avoid dryness that can lead to irritation and puffiness, use a moisturizer.
If nothing works and this is a chronic condition, cosmetic surgery may be your only recourse.

Oopsie daisy! I've been doing EVERYTHING wrong! I've faux pas'ed on so many of these! (i.e. no booze?) Can't it just be genetic? My whole family has elephantitis of the eyes. Also, I do have a chronic bag that's been there ever since a bad breakup when I cried myself to sleep every night for 2 weeks. I guess some scars are on the outside. You mean he caused me heartache and now I'll have to pay a plastic surgeon to remove him for good??? Buggah!

My poor face is going to take a shit-kicking once again this weekend. Don't think I'll get the PH after all. Puff Mama lives on...

Just like old times?

This may be "the scene" at our house on Saturday night. Flo is back for a visit and promises that we will be going out both Friday and Saturday nights. Ha! He was always the big talker like that. For one thing, he's travelling from Singapore to LA to Vancouver to here... so I'm sure Friday he will be beyond JET LAGGED. He promises the Red Bulls (to improve stamina I presume... and that's drinkin' stamina, not any other kind sicko)... but I call a different type of BULL on that one. Plus he always talks about partying two nights in a row and can never pull it off! I was impressed, however, at some of the nights that ended in a similar manner to the above picture and yet he'd still get up to play soccer at 10am Sunday!!! Inevitably, he'd spend the rest of that day on le couch a la corpse.

We'll see what happens.

I wonder who is trying to play footsies with Flo's crotch in that photo. Weird. I guess if you pass out, no one else is responsible for what happens to you... uh, to a point. Painting someone's lips with red marker is perfectly acceptable. Anything more permanent or scarring (either mentally or physically) is probably NOT, however. However, IF painting a guy's lips red scars him for life (emotionally) then I suppose this would also qualify. Like, if he has to walk through a crowded restaurant with red lips and you keep calling him *princess* afterwards... Then MAYBE it was a no-no. I dunno. Me confused as usual. No wonder I left this out when I wrote the rules for drinkin'...

Rude Awakenings

Most awakenings are rather rude, because who wouldn’t rather sleep most days than have to get up? It gets even ruder when you look in the mirror. At least that’s the case with me, since Puff Daddy has abandoned that name for P. Diddy (or is it only Shawn Combs now?) I’m going to claim the name Puffy or Puff Mama. Some days I stumble into the washroom and look in the mirror and almost fall over. You’d think that doing it every day would reduce my shock but it doesn’t. Someone must rough me up while I’m sleeping, and I don’t mean in a good way.

Then there are the rude awakenings that not only wake you up prematurely, but do so in a rude manner. Some examples of these would be having a bad dream, waking up with your face in a hairy armpit, or opening your eyes and seeing a bum or other body part extremely close up (luckily hasn’t happened to me since I was a kid).

My rude awakenings often include some kind of antics by one of my cats. For instance, a fairly common but revolting way to get woken up is by the sound of a cat puking. The other night my cat was right by my head and I heard that prepuking noise and thought she was going to hurl right on my face!!! I flipped out and she ended up running and throwing up on the carpet by the bedroom door. Another time Flo left some chicken bones on the counter, and one of the cats must have found the bones and dragged them into my room and was rabidly chewing and crunching and slurping right beside my bed at 5am. Then there was the time something startled the cat that was sleeping soundly on my belly. She sprung from belly to face, sprung off there and across the night table and into the closet. Ouch. I was startled once again that morning when I looked in the mirror.

I’ve also been woken up by farts. Sometimes you’re sleeping with a new person (boyfriend or friend) and somehow a fart gets out in the night and shocks you into consciousness. This is ultimate humiliation because you lie there wondering if the other person heard it and if they’re pretending to sleep through it to avoid the embarrassing moment. I mean, if it was loud enough to wake you up then it could have woken up the other person, right? What’s worse is when a fart wakes you up… but not the sound of it, the SMELL. I have never experienced this one, thank God. I have heard of it being grounds for divorce though.

Well, I’m going to bed early. I’d like to wake up refreshed, by my alarm, after a solid night’s sleep. Could happen!

Rum makes you dumb (and other discoveries)

Ah, what a weekend... Movies, Häagen-Dazs and assorted treats, and me running!!! (Yeah, mostly just my attempt at undoing the 1000s of calories of ice cream and treats)…

And then I got to go and see a concert!!!! Yay! It was the Armchair Cynics (with Ellis and Long Way Down).

It was sooo much fun. I learned a lot too. For instance:

Bang is dirty dirty song! I thought it was actually about a GUN. Guess not.
The lead singer of Armchair Cynics seemed to have an ego about the size of his bulging biceps, but somehow it was OK.
Rum makes you dumb, gin makes you grin and Jager makes you stagger.
Keeping tampons in your jacket pockets is a drunk person’s brilliant idea of theft deterrent.
I still have a toque fetish.
Drunk or ovulating? I blame the gin.
If a guy admits that he normally lies about his name at the bar and you tell him you normally lie about your age, then his name is Chris and you're 25.
Confessing your age (ahem, 25) gets you free drinks (mmmmm Jagerbombs:).
Apparently mullets are cool if they’re spikey and funked up (i.e. “retro?”).
You wouldn’t really know if a guy wearing a toque had a mullet until it was too late.
Musicians aren’t so impressed when you point out that their hairstyle is technically a mullet.
There isn’t a better way to end a night than an adorable boy telling us that we’re “absolutely beautiful.”
I'm still an idiot around cute boys (could blame the rum though).
Compliments under the influence in a dark bar still go in one ear and out the other, but it’s nice that they pause to sink in, even if it’s just for a fleeting moment.

Freedom of Shlong (all day long)...

It’s interesting how you can degrade and discriminate against women, but don’t do ANYTHING to even slightly annoy or slander any racial group, because you’ll GET IT to the tune of MURDER. The Western Standard published a story on the Danish cartoons depicting Muhammed, and now people are up in arms. No such fuss has been made over porn that is violent towards or features women in an INCREDIBLY insulting manner (and I'm not talking about extreme religious groups that want to ban any kind of sexuality or nudity). I guess women are too complacent or we’re all so desensitized to it? And yet, on the other hand, people freaked out about Janet Jackson’s BOOB? Big F’ing deal!!!! Nudity is natural and beautiful (most of the time, hehe), but violence and degradation is UGLY and demoralizing. I can’t completely wrap my brain around it.

There, I got it out… Now, besides the VERY serious matters mentioned above and other important gender-related issues in this society (i.e. exploitation and degradation of women by sex slavery and domestic violence/murder), there’s something specific I have a beef about today:

Lack of male gratuitous nudity.

As I inferred in a previous blog, I think the playing field should be evened out a little more between men and women. I realize that there are some inherent biological differences that cannot be denied, however I’d like to scrap some of the more societal types of prejudices. I’m talking about one simple, possibly rectifiable issue- gratuitous male nudity. Why is it that when I watch a male singer’s music video, there are mostly half-naked women, but when I watch a female singer’s music video, the singer herself is naked??? WHERE ARE THE NAKED MEN??? Also, if you watch films, there seems to be a lot of boobs… whenever they can squeek them in somewhere (plot related or not), they do. However, I’ve seen films where they COULD have thrown in some male skin and didn’t even take the opportunity! As females we are repeatedly robbed on this issue! For instance, in the movie Hitch, Will Smith’s character crashed on the couch of Eva Mendez’s character. This would have been the PERFECT opportunity to have him take his shirt off but NO. WTF? I mean, one of the perks in watching a Will Smith movie is to catch a glimpse of his perfect body, no? And what about the female equivalent of MAXIM magazine? I would buy that!!!! And let’s not even get into the whole female vs. male stripper thing… wait, why don’t we then? Let’s GET IT ON.

A while ago I tried to find a peeler bar for women, one somewhat equivalent to the “gentlemans” clubs out there. In other words, Full Monty at the very least (I don’t really need to see him spread it and show me his icky brown eye). Anyways, guess what, there was ONE PLACE in Alberta dedicated to the Full Monty. At the time, my roomie (Rose) and I were livid. Why is it that you can see PU%&Y any time of day, any day of the week, but we can’t even find a naked man to watch for my friend’s stagette?

This is what Rose wrote (back then) on the topic:

A couple years ago, me and a good friend were going through tough breakups. We decided that the perfect solution for our sorrows would be to go out for a night on the town with a group of our good friends and take in some local talent. We assumed that since there are an abundance of strip clubs in Edmonton, for the “gentleman,” that there should be an abundance of venues that featured some similar entertainment geared at the “gentlewoman”. After calling around to almost ALL the clubs in Edmonton, we found out that women, in the opinion of someone, were too gentle to see a naked man. At most, we could go somewhere and pay outrageous prices for drinks and cover charges to see a man dancing in boxers. And that is only on certain nights of the week. At first we thought, with women there just isn't as much of a market for it. Some consider watching a man waving his schlong around a tad.............. grotesque. We thought this unfair and left it at that.

Meanwhile, I had attended a strip club geared for men out of curiosity. Once inside, I witnessed female strippers completely naked, spread-eagled sitting on the stage, touching themselves and allowing drunk men to whip coins at their (not so) privates. Some of these women were excellent and talented dancers. Some of these women love their job and love their overt sexuality; others were doing it out of desperation. All of these women were daughters, sisters, nieces, cousins, and/or mothers. Contributing members of society.

During a future conversation with my friend, I discovered (what she’d been told at least) that male Full Monty was illegal in Alberta. Let me get this straight; I can go on any given night and watch some poor girl get her genitals whipped by coins, but seeing a (gasp!) PENIS is ILLEGAL! I know that the sex industry is geared towards men as that is inevitably what will bring in the most profit but at the same time, it's a double whammy of discrimination against women. First of all, it is okay to exploit women (our mothers, daughters, sisters) by letting them writhe around on stage, throwing coins at them so they have to get down on their hands and knees scrambling around like desperate beggars for rent money, but men are above that? Secondly, a man can embrace and openly enjoy his sexuality by being able to go see strippers any day of the week, but this isn't true for a woman? I guess the answer to that is that THEIR mothers,daughters and sisters (us) are probably “not like that”.

Friends recently discovered during a stagette party that going to see male rippers just left them feeling "ripped off"! Once fueled with alcohol, women can be just as boisterous, enthusiastic and horny as drunk men, and likewise, wouldn't mind seeing, exploiting and objectifying the opposite sex. I am not suggesting we ban female strippers, but lets level out the playing field a bit. If it’s illegal to see men dancing naked for profit, then it should be illegal to see women.

I discovered upon further investigation that it’s not illegal for men to bare their schlongs in public… however the Alberta Liquor and Gaming commission have made the laws so strict when there is nudity involved, that clubs strictly catering to women watching male strippers probably wouldn’t make a go of it. They can have “ladies’ nights” where the men strip to boxers, but that’s all we get.

Global warming and peanut butter'n honey

It's pretty cool that up until yesterday, I was still biking to school. Tuesday when my lungs hurt and I felt like I was biking through deep water (the back tire is a little flat, the chain is gunky and I was biking into the bitter wind) I figured it might be my last day for a while. You'd think I would have decided that a while ago when I wiped out on the ice, but nooooo (it was right in front of a car and he had to wait for me to pick myself up again and shyly walk my bike past him). So yeah, it was a balmy -29 degrees Celcius this morning (into the +double digits on the weekend and then this?)!!! Anyways, I've never seen a winter like this here. Yay global warming!!! Actually, as much as I like the mild weather, global warming scares me. It's kind of like peanut butter'n honey sandwiches*... you can chow down like a crazy fool on them now and it's awesome and you don't want no one taking that shit away dammit... but you know you're going to pay for it big time in the long term. I should know, I've been having my own private but elaborate PB'nH eating contest lately. My ass is winning. Woops.

*Hey D-dub, I still maintain that it's called a "sandwich" even though it's on one side of a piece of toast... so don't even go there (not even as "Anonymous" smartass).

Flowers = BJ? NO WAY!

Oh shit, here goes…

My friend Vanessa and I just had a vent session about Valentine’s Day, expectations and dealing with disappointment (all in the context of all rational thought overclouded by raging hormones). Lord help you if you have a girlfriend who is PMSing on Valentine’s Day.

So I bet you were expecting a nice rant on here regarding the big VD. Hmmm… I don't have a problem with it at all. Oh, that is besides the pretension of the day, forcing people to do something to recognize their significant other and superficially raising expectations, as well as the opportunistic commercialism coupled with the cheesiest gifts and cards EVER. And what about sticking it to all the singles out there ONE MORE DAY of the year? Let’s see, for couples or families, there’s Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Family Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and of course the almighty WEDDING DAY… When do singles get to celebrate their blessed lives? I guess my only answer would be EVERY DAY. Single people do have a sweet deal in many ways, so I suppose it doesn’t need to be celebrated on a day of the year they’re TOLD they should celebrate it and how.

The Onion interviewed the columnist Dan Savage about V-Day. I agree with all of it, so I quote him here:

It is a corporate exercise; it's also a holy day of romantic obligation. It's also a day of torment. Mother's Day is a torment if your mother is dead. Valentine's Day is a torment if you don't got one. And at some point in our lives, we will be tormented by Valentine's Day even if we're relatively lucky in love. It's just like Christmas. Christmas can have a real melancholy aspect, 'cause it packages itself as this idea of perfect family cohesion and love, and you're always going to come up short when you measure your personal life against the idealized personal lives that are constantly thrust in our faces, primarily by TV commercials. I find, though, that if you avoid TV, you don't succumb to the despair. I wouldn't say that holidays are manufactured by corporations, but they're certainly exploited and mined by them...

… Valentine's Day is much more of a holy day of obligation for a guy in a relationship with a woman, because a woman has certain emotional expectations. Even if she doesn't value Valentine's Day, or views it as a corporate exercise, she still often wants her boyfriend or husband to go through the motions, just in case she values it… There's this movement to form a day called Steak And A Blowjob Day, which would be the male version of Valentine's Day, where women would come through with a steak and a blowjob in return for the chocolate and flowers that guys come through with, and I support that holiday.

I agree, except let's even the playing field here, chocolate and flowers? Let’s get real. Chocolate = Steak in a chick’s eyes maybe, but flowers does NOT = BJ. Nope… The only thing that = BJ is un múltiplo para mí (I thought it sounded more romantic in Spanish:).

No matter what happens on this day (or any day) I say appreciate what you have. You’ll never be disappointed!

Thantophobia

A phobia is defined as “a persistent, irrational, intense fear of a specific object, activity or situation (the phobic stimulus), fear that is recognised as being excessive or unreasonable by the individual himself.”

I definitely have thantophobia. And although I recognize my fear of death/dying as being somewhat excessive, persistent and intense; I don’t think it’s irrational or unreasonable.

Let me explain, err, clarify.

I’m not afraid of the dying itself, per se, though I’m a bit afraid of being maimed first and then suffering... But more to the point, it’s the method of my demise that I’m more worried about. Will I die in some asinine way or worse, be featured for some Darwin award? Further, if the dying somehow matches the way a person lived, in any way, shape or form (i.e. goofball), then I could be in big shit. Take, for instance, that guy who was found holding his member because he was trying to do that suffocation/masturbation thing. That would really suck. Uh, please note, that was purely hypothetical, just to make a point... Ahem... Of course I don’t need to worry about that one! Geez. But I do worry that I might soil myself in a car accident, be found wearing my ugliest underwear, or the one that most frequently goes through my head: dying in the shower. This fear is particularly intense because these crazy visions appear in my mind of me slipping while I’m trying to wash one foot, smacking my head on the edge and dying naked and spread-eagled on the bottom of the tub. I almost get panic attacks thinking of this when I’m showering at my parents’ house, where inevitably my dad would come rushing in and see me at my most vulnerable. Not pretty, not pretty at all.

Adding insult to injury would be the mess I’ve left for people to clean up after I croak. I used to have a pact with an old roommate that if I died, she’d come in and confiscate any incriminating property of mine. This includes such things at my personal journals and naked photos, but most importantly, my extensive BOB collection. I can’t have my mother seeing that and thinking I’m a freakshow beyond what they'd already imagined!!! I think they’d take back the old ‘seeing the real me and loving me anyways’ bit faster than they could say “What in God’s name?”

Perhaps it’s not thantophobia I’m dealing with here, but catagelophobia (fear of being ridiculed)... especially when I’m not alive to defend myself.

Or perhaps I wouldn’t really care, seeing as how I’d be dead.

Godspeed Dell

In order to optimize my time today, I finally decided to rip my patient stare away from the screen and do menial tasks around the house while pages load on my roomie's ancient archaic beast she calls a computer.

So in the time it's taken my emails to load, I've done the laundry, emptied the dishwasher, bugged the cats, drank coffee, took out the stinky garbage, scraped the gunk off whatever had dripped on the bottom of the fridge who knows when and no one noticed it, clipped my toenails, pondered the meaning of life, removed stains off stuff, read a novel (War and Peace, actually), rounded up all the dust bunnies and set them free outside, called a long lost friend, delinted all my sweaters, and finished writing my thesis (handwritten on foolscap of course).

Ugh. Can't wait for my laptop cord to come. This just isn't practical...

Prophylactic-head?

I know they say "sex sells"... but this? This is just bizarre. American Apparel

Four Things

... but not necessarily the top four things.

Four jobs I’ve had:
Horse stall poop scooper
Horse trainer
Waitress
Medical receptionist

Movies I’ve watched at least four times:
The Outsiders
Ace Ventura (Pet Detective)
Go
Nothing To Lose
True Romance
Garden State
50 First Dates

Movies I want to purchase and will probably watch at least four times:
Wedding Crashers
I (heart) Huckabees

Four TV shows I’ve loved before:
Party of Five
Felicity
Sex and the City
Seinfeld

Four TV shows I’m totally into right now:
Grey’s Anatomy
Family Guy
My Name is Earl
The Bachelor (I know I know, it’s like freakin’ train wreck.)

Four movies that wasted two hours of my life:
Daylight (with Sylvester Stallone)
Cruel Intentions (the remake with Ryan Phillipe)
Almost any Jennifer Lopez film
and here it is- The Big Lebowski (ok, I’m gonna catch flack for this one… I’ve only seen it once and I didn’t get it at all… sorry! Maybe I’ll have to try it again, but I hope I don't waste FOUR hrs on it!!!)

Four songs I wouldn’t cry over if I never heard them again (and will NOT dance to):
I think we’re alone now – Tiffany
The Locomotion
Achy Breaky Heart – Billy Ray Cyrus
The chicken dance (thank God they haven’t played that at any weddings I’ve been to recently.)

Four annoying commercials:
Mattress mattress and mattress!!!
Cars cost less in Wetaskiwin!
Any monster truck rally announcer
ANY infomercial

Four favorite things to throw:
Dirty looks (so I’ve been told?)
Elastic bands (is that considered ‘throwing’?)
Water, drinks or anything that may come in a drink (i.e. lime wedges or icecubes, although this could be dangerous as I once got a black eye from a lofted cube.)
Anything I can throw into the trash from across the room.

Four things that make me wanna snap:
Lack of compassion
Loud, annoying, frequent commercials
Losing things
Public displays of digit-nasal excavation

Four things I don’t understand:
Rape
Holy wars
Men
Me

Four things I wish I could do:
Snowboard/Surf
Play guitar
Be a stunt girl
Know right from wrong

Four fashions I can’t bring myself to wear, ever:
Most 80s styles
Pointed &/or cowboy boots (unless I’m on a horse.)
Cammy-toe revealing pants
High-waisted/tapered “mom-butt” jeans

Four things I think are stupid:
Reactionary people
People who yield at merge signs
Bad hygeine (a common rant on my blog... also includes public nose-picking and people who are stupid enough to think or not care that everyone sees them!)
Big egos
(Uh, yeah, I guess a lotta people… Not you though, kind of annoying maybe, but not stupid…)

Four things that make me smile:
Muppets.
A successfully executed practical joke.
People watching (esp dancing).
Embarrassing myself in some stupid manner.

Four things I’ve fought (and somehow survived so far):
Quitting my PhD
Aging (just humour me on this one please.)
Fear of public speaking
Being exposed as an imposter

Four things I’ve fought and lost:
Getting booted out of the bar (uh, more than once.)
Some chick in acid wash jeans and permed hair
Drowsiness at the wheel
Temptation (whether it be chocolate or boys)

Four funny one-liners I’ve never forgotten (paraphrased):
From Scrubs: The only time I get a break from you is when we’re making love and I pretend you’re someone else.
Steven Wright: (picks up a hitch hiker) Buckle up, I wanna try something. I saw it in a cartoon once but I’m pretty sure I can do it.
It’s Happy Bunny: School prepares you for the real world which also sucks.
Jack Handey: If you ever drop your keys in molten lava, let’em go because man, they’re gone.

Four places I'd rather be right now:
Paia, Maui (... sitting on the beach, taking in the sun, watching the surfing, eating fish tacos and drinking beer.)
In bed (not going to qualify that one.)
Watching an awesome concert
Here (in this country, in this situation, at this very moment.)

Four things I should be doing right now:
Working
Working
Working
Taxes

Oh well.

Very important message from the site administrator: No “Anonymous” comments are allowed that infer or otherwise state the following message: “Who really gives a shit WHINER!”

Needless to say...

If something is needless to say, then don't say it.

That's what I say.

Oh but this is what Dictionary.com says:
needless to say
Very likely or obvious, self-evident... Although nonsensical at first glance (if unnecessary to say, why say it?), this phrase is generally used for emphasis.
Source: The American Heritage® Dictionary of Idioms by Christine Ammer.Copyright © 1997 by The Christine Ammer 1992 Trust. Published by Houghton Mifflin Company.

Needless to say, I'm wanting to whine right now.

Basically, my laptop cord stopped working so now I have to order one. This could take weeks. So I can't use my computer right now. The blogging may slow down a wee bit...

In other news, my clock radio suddenly stopped tuning in to Sonic 102.9 (my fave station). If I had the money I'd pitch the buggah out the window and go get a new one that WORKS. What would happen, though, if it still didn't get Sonic? Is that grounds for returning it??? So instead, during my morning shower, I either have to listen to some stupid radio station that comes in clear as day (most do, strangely enough, however my max tolerance is usually about half an hour before I swear and shut the thing off) or else hook up my mp3 player to some computer speakers and listen to that. I like listening to Garner for that half hour though!!!

Anyways, pretty crappy eh? I don't know how I get up in the morning sometimes my life is so damn rough.

Ouch, my face hurts!!!

I had a particularly funny day yesterday. Of course I had a presentation to prepare, so I was procrastinating a little. For one, I had to check out Kenny vs. Spenny (I’d heard of the show before, and my friend Chris referred to it in the comments on my last entry). So I figured I should check it out, but I only get basic cable so I had to check it out on IFILM. It's 23 minutes long, so set aside some time to watch it (and if you have dial-up, set aside about 2 days). Anyways, I was laughing pretty hard at a few parts. Perhaps I will do a blog entry from my nutritional point of view regarding their strategies on the weight gain contest. I believe you can also watch the Super Bowl commercials on that site.

I also checked out the pictures from Sonic’s latest contest (Snap Happy), and found them to be quite comical. Check them out here. Those Sonic listeners have a great sense of humour!

Then my friend Rose put me onto a new blog call The Little Feminist. Looks like I'm not the only chick out there obsessed with bodily functions.

And then last night after the Super Bowl, there was a Family Guy marathon (seriously, we watched FG from about 8:30 until 11pm, with just one interruption by The Simpsons). And OUCH, my face hurt! The episode that got voted to play right after the Super Bowl was particularly hilarious! It was Breaking Out is Hard to Do … holy it KILLED me.

No smiling allowed today. The face needs time to recover, uh, and yeah... I need to get that presentation done!

20 Questions

Last year, Science Magazine celebrated it's 125th anniversary by looking at the most compelling puzzles and questions facing scientists today. Science explored what they thought were the 125 big questions... the ones we still don't know and will be the subject of scientific inquiry over the next quarter-century. Some of these questions included:

What Is the Biological Basis of Consciousness?
Why Do Humans Have So Few Genes?
To What Extent Are Genetic Variation and Personal Health Linked?
Can the Laws of Physics Be Unified?
How Much Can Human Life Span Be Extended?
What Controls Organ Regeneration?
What Genetic Changes Made Us Uniquely Human?
How Does Earth’s Interior Work?
Are We Alone in the Universe?
How and Where Did Life on Earth Arise?

Hmmm. Good questions no doubt. However, there are so many things that we still don't know. Here are 20 Questions of my own…

1. How can 80s styles, ethically, be brought back into fashion?
2. Why do people make strange faces when they orgasm? Is this the same face they make when taking a crap?
3. Are some individual’s genes closer to apes than others?
4. Why do people continue to be in denial about the ingredients in hot dogs (i.e. blended snouts, ears, organ meat and mechanically separated WHAT?)?
5. Why does a bathroom reek long after the feces have been flushed?
6. Can chocolate really replace sex?
7. What fucked up hormonal concoction enables a person to get wrinkles AND have acne?
8. Why do stores still sell tapered jeans? (In order to fully investigate this, perhaps we need to delve in to the question: Why do people still buy tapered jeans?)
9. What, if anything, can stop the age-related migration of male hair from the head into the ears and down the back?
10. Why is it ok for men to relieve an itchy crotch in public, but not women?
11. Is stupid, in fact, as stupid does?
12. Is the gene for Foot-in-Mouth Disease sex-linked?
13. Is it old age or life stress that causes grey hair?
14. Do pets and babies get annoyed at baby talk?
15. Why can some men operate complicated machinery, but not know how to use a telephone?
16. Can skunks smell their own hole?
17. Why can’t two wrongs make a right?
18. Do men who like their women Brazilian-waxed have sick pedophilic tendencies?
19. How extreme does the treatment need to be (i.e. shock-therapy) to cure a bad case of the rampant affliction known as Cantsaynoitis (also known as Doormat Syndrome)?
20. Is there a simple test for determining whether an elliptic curve has an infinite number of rational solutions? (Oops, that one was also in Science, but it has TOTALLY been bugging me!!!)

Warning: Generalizing VENT about MEN

It totally blows my mind how many people don't wash their hands after going to the washroom, particularly MEN.

I've had this discussion with guys, and they'll say stuff like, "well, I didn't pee on my hands!" Uh, no, but you touched the icky knobs on all the bathroom doors and fixtures, opened your belt or pants button and fly (which you touched after the last time you did whatever) and you probably had to touch your peepee at some point. Studies have also shown that there is a cloud of spray that comes back onto you when you urinate, particularly into a urinal. Uh, FYI, no one who is around you or touching anything you touch (i.e. your hands, the computer keyboard, or eeewwwww the popcorn bowl) wants to know (or smell) that you didn't wash your icky hands after all that.

I've also been in some boy's washrooms... and in the state they're in, I doubt that they care about the cleanliness of their hands either. Do some guys inherently have bad aim??? The worst had to be a tour bus I was on (uh, no, I'm NOT a groupie!). Holy that bathroom was top to bottom disgusting. It must have been due to drunk band members stumbling in and, due to lack of coordination, playing fireman?

For all you boys who actually do take care of your basic hygeine, sorry that I generalized and we love ya for it! However, gross bathroom boys, wake up and smell the urine!!!

This vent only addressed onesies, if I was to talk about not washing after twosies I could go on FOREVER... and uh, I have work to do. Now scram! ... And go and wash your hands.