What is wrong with this picture?
I saw this ad on the right hand side of my Facebook page. Something didn't match up.
What kind of "data" are we talking about here?
Friday, December 21, 2007
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Tis the season to have a chuckle
You know how they say that *suicide rates are higher around the holidays? Well, apparently this is a total myth!!! However, they (how can we EVER tell when "they" are right and when "they" are wrong? They are bloody confusing I tell ya!) say that rates of depression are actually higher over the holidays. This doesn't surprise me. The days are shorter, increasing incidence of SAD (seasonal affective disorder) and there is a bit of longing for those who are missing loved ones or don't have anyone close to them.
Anyhoo. This is why we need a laugh or few over the holidays!!! Hence today's post. I could tell you a Christmas joke or two... however, whereas me telling a joke may make you want to kill yourself, these -- Christmas themed cartoons -- will get you laughing in the spirit of the season.
Mark Parisi, you make me chuckle.
*Interesting sidenote from Suicide rates - Focus:
According to the World Health Organization (WHO), someone around the globe commits suicide every 40 seconds. In the year 2000, 815,000 people lost their lives to suicide - more than double the number of people who die as a direct result of armed conflict every year (306,600).
Another sidenote for comparison from (can't find reference right now):
Apparently in the U.S. alone, tobacco kills more than 430,000 citizens each year —more than alcohol, cocaine, heroin, homicide, suicide, car accidents, fire, and AIDS combined. Woah.
Now go check out the comics!!!! Sheesh!
Anyhoo. This is why we need a laugh or few over the holidays!!! Hence today's post. I could tell you a Christmas joke or two... however, whereas me telling a joke may make you want to kill yourself, these -- Christmas themed cartoons -- will get you laughing in the spirit of the season.
Mark Parisi, you make me chuckle.
*Interesting sidenote from Suicide rates - Focus:
According to the World Health Organization (WHO), someone around the globe commits suicide every 40 seconds. In the year 2000, 815,000 people lost their lives to suicide - more than double the number of people who die as a direct result of armed conflict every year (306,600).
Another sidenote for comparison from (can't find reference right now):
Apparently in the U.S. alone, tobacco kills more than 430,000 citizens each year —more than alcohol, cocaine, heroin, homicide, suicide, car accidents, fire, and AIDS combined. Woah.
Now go check out the comics!!!! Sheesh!
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Girls... Are you gonna be a SUCKER?
Oh man... I was already laughing today at what gullible people forward to others on email and/or Facebook FunWall. Then while I was researching it all on Snopes.com, I ran across this - http://www.snopes.com/inboxer/hoaxes/fellatio.asp. It's a hoax page about how people got suckered into thinking that this fake news story (Study: Fellatio may significantly decrease the risk of breast cancer in women) was actually real! Hahaha. I guess this made its rounds to many inboxes and also made some foreign newspapers! (And why wouldn't it, since I'm sure many of the forwarders and publishers were men!)
I'm not sure why people can't figure out on their own that these things are hoaxes. What, with doctors named Lictepeen and Shafteer? That should've been the first clue.
Apparently the so-called research consisted of two groups, women who had performed fellatio and swallowed on a regular basis and women who had not or did not swallow. And guess what? The group of women who had performed and swallowed had a breast cancer rate of 1.9% and the group who had not had a breast cancer rate of 10.4%. Thems are some baaaad odds girls!!!
And I love this part:
Dr. Len Lictepeen, deputy chief medical officer for the American Cancer Society, said women should not overlook or "play down" these findings. "This will hopefully change women's practice and patterns, resulting in a severe drop in the future number of cases," Lictepeen said.
It's definitely in men's best interest to make sure this hoax hits EVERY woman's inbox he knows and that it gets forwarded to everyone they know and everyone they know... FunWall on Facebook could have a hayday with this! Judging by how many people get duped by all the other chain letters out there, there must be SOMEONE who will be a sucker for this one. You can only wish boys. Oh, woops, pardon the pun.
I'm not sure why people can't figure out on their own that these things are hoaxes. What, with doctors named Lictepeen and Shafteer? That should've been the first clue.
Apparently the so-called research consisted of two groups, women who had performed fellatio and swallowed on a regular basis and women who had not or did not swallow. And guess what? The group of women who had performed and swallowed had a breast cancer rate of 1.9% and the group who had not had a breast cancer rate of 10.4%. Thems are some baaaad odds girls!!!
And I love this part:
Dr. Len Lictepeen, deputy chief medical officer for the American Cancer Society, said women should not overlook or "play down" these findings. "This will hopefully change women's practice and patterns, resulting in a severe drop in the future number of cases," Lictepeen said.
It's definitely in men's best interest to make sure this hoax hits EVERY woman's inbox he knows and that it gets forwarded to everyone they know and everyone they know... FunWall on Facebook could have a hayday with this! Judging by how many people get duped by all the other chain letters out there, there must be SOMEONE who will be a sucker for this one. You can only wish boys. Oh, woops, pardon the pun.
Monday, December 17, 2007
Easy Come, Easy Go
Get this: If you live in Germany, you can hire a guy to breakup with someone for you! Did you hear about this? I saw him featured in the article The Relationship Grim Reaper. What's next, hiring someone to have sex with your husband for you? Oh yeah, apparently a lot of people do that already, ahem... unknowingly.
Yikes, yikes and... YIKES.
When I started reading about this guy, I thought the whole idea was a total copout. Are people such complete cowards that they have to get someone else to do their dirty work for them? Oops, did I actually pose such a redundant question out loud? MEN would of course!!! They seem to either string us along until we can't take it anymore, or do something unforgivable so that WE have to break up with THEM! I've ranted about this before (Breaking up is hard to do), about how men seem to be missing a specific chromosome, the one that contains the breakup-initiation gene.
If you go to his *website, you'll learn what The Separation Agency is exactly. Apparently, it's "a service enterprising, that especially persons help should, who are in a separation phase. It fells many person increasingly more heavily to transmit unpleasant messages." Um, at least that's what it said when I plugged the German into the free translation webpage. You get the point.
They say that the concept 'separation' is not only restricted to a partnership between two persons, it can apply to the termination of business partnership or working ratios. So bosses can also hire someone to fire you. Also cowardly... C'mon, just Trump up and say the words - You're FIRED!
Then I read a bit more in the article Das Boot from the Times Online...
Mr. Grim Reaper is quoted as saying that he hasn't "seen a single tear since I started this job" and that "We can turn one unhappy couple into two happy singles." Well now that you put it that way... Good times, good times. DUH. Of course they don't shed a tear, they're in total shock! Not only has the breakup come out of left field, but someone ELSE is delivering the stake to the heart. Besides, what man is going to cry in front of another man? If the guy is gone within 15 minutes, I'm betting it takes about 20 for things to set in. "Gee, thanks for letting me know"... shut the door... curl up in the fetal position on the couch and let the wailing begin.
As I read on in the article I found out, to my surprise, that women actually use the service more! Apparently what happens is that they try to break up with the guy, but then he gives those puppy dog eyes and promises to change. Hey girls, we know the drill.
The article went on to say that the internet is great for his business because it's altered the way people view their relationships. "Everything in our society has become disposable. If your relationship isn’t working out, you can find yourself a new one on the internet. Dating agencies have become the most normal thing in the world, so sooner or later there’s going to be a demand for an agency that’ll help you to get rid of a partner too. It’s an unpleasant job, letting someone go, so why not get someone else to do it for you?"
Yikes, yikes and... YIKES.
When I started reading about this guy, I thought the whole idea was a total copout. Are people such complete cowards that they have to get someone else to do their dirty work for them? Oops, did I actually pose such a redundant question out loud? MEN would of course!!! They seem to either string us along until we can't take it anymore, or do something unforgivable so that WE have to break up with THEM! I've ranted about this before (Breaking up is hard to do), about how men seem to be missing a specific chromosome, the one that contains the breakup-initiation gene.
If you go to his *website, you'll learn what The Separation Agency is exactly. Apparently, it's "a service enterprising, that especially persons help should, who are in a separation phase. It fells many person increasingly more heavily to transmit unpleasant messages." Um, at least that's what it said when I plugged the German into the free translation webpage. You get the point.
They say that the concept 'separation' is not only restricted to a partnership between two persons, it can apply to the termination of business partnership or working ratios. So bosses can also hire someone to fire you. Also cowardly... C'mon, just Trump up and say the words - You're FIRED!
Then I read a bit more in the article Das Boot from the Times Online...
Mr. Grim Reaper is quoted as saying that he hasn't "seen a single tear since I started this job" and that "We can turn one unhappy couple into two happy singles." Well now that you put it that way... Good times, good times. DUH. Of course they don't shed a tear, they're in total shock! Not only has the breakup come out of left field, but someone ELSE is delivering the stake to the heart. Besides, what man is going to cry in front of another man? If the guy is gone within 15 minutes, I'm betting it takes about 20 for things to set in. "Gee, thanks for letting me know"... shut the door... curl up in the fetal position on the couch and let the wailing begin.
As I read on in the article I found out, to my surprise, that women actually use the service more! Apparently what happens is that they try to break up with the guy, but then he gives those puppy dog eyes and promises to change. Hey girls, we know the drill.
The article went on to say that the internet is great for his business because it's altered the way people view their relationships. "Everything in our society has become disposable. If your relationship isn’t working out, you can find yourself a new one on the internet. Dating agencies have become the most normal thing in the world, so sooner or later there’s going to be a demand for an agency that’ll help you to get rid of a partner too. It’s an unpleasant job, letting someone go, so why not get someone else to do it for you?"
Easy come, easy go?
What is the world coming to? Technology is making it so we don't have to lift a finger to DO ANYTHING.
*The website link to The Separation Agency no longer works... I wonder if he went out of business. Interesting.
Friday, December 14, 2007
BOO Bad Bacteria, YAY Good Bacteria!
Apparently my healthy diet has saved me from a day that can only be described as a potential 'spontaneous colon blow day'. This is a very good thing.
Let me explain.
A friend of mine took me out to a new East Indian restaurant the other night (friend and restaurant names withheld, although perhaps I should warn others about the seemingly inocuous eating joint). Anyways, I always call East Indian buffets "the thousand calorie download" because I'm pretty sure you'd be hard-pressed to find a place where you could wolf down more calories in less time, barring some fast food joints of course.
Oh and we ATE till we hurt.
And we hurt the next day too.
I have to wonder how many of those calories were actually absorbed since my whole meal plus half my intestines and maybe even my appendix escaped out the back of me by noon the next day. I was literally in awe. Hey, if you want to do one of those 'colon cleanses' then perhaps this restaurant is for you. There was seriously about an hour there where my butt was married to the toilet bowl, indefinitely. It was rude. Which is why I had to bring it up on this blog of course, haha.
Yeah whatever.
Here's where my healthy, good bacteria colonized gut saved me. My friend called a couple of days later and said, "uh, how were you feeling yesterday?" I knew exactly what he was referring to so I gave an appropriate description to the world-of-turmoil my intestinal tract had experienced the morning before. He proceeded to tell me that my hour of excrutiation constituted his WHOLE DAY. He couldn't keep anything down. He had cramps. He was at the mercy of the latrine, a jester at the porcelain throne, a hooker to the john... THE WHOLE DAY. And the worst part -- he had a date that night!!!! The poor guy. The details of this he mostly left out, except to say that the call of nature occured on his way to pick her up. He couldn't exactly open the chutes at her house, so he stopped at Walmart and the washroom there had no toilet paper! At this point he had to leave his stall, buy some toilet paper and return to finish his business! I had a pretty good chuckle at his expense, I must say.
The only thing I can figure is that all the healthy bacteria in my gut prevented the bad ones from doing much damage. They ameliorated my diarrhea by "stimulation of the immune system, competition for binding sites on intestinal epithelial cells and elaboration of bacteriocins." (Source: Probiotics in the Treatment of Infectious Diarrhea). Booyah to the little buggers! Now excuse me while I chow down on some yogourt, bananas and barley.
Hmm... I get a feeling that if I ever wrote a column about nutrition, it would be a little less than conventional. But it would get the point across.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Hilarious First Dance
Too bad I sucked at the hip hop lessons... Because this is so cool! Not that I'm planning on having a "first dance" anytime soon. Ahem.
Although I have to agree with Jensies who said, "I kinda want to do that at my wedding if I can still move without breaking a hip." Truer words were never spoken, my friend.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Love the little critters
I love animals... And NOT with BBQ sauce on them! That's why this slideshow makes me happy. HSUS is no PETA, they might actually be making a difference! Yay!
See: Celebrating Animals
See: Celebrating Animals
Monday, December 10, 2007
Laptop in the Shop
My laptop is in the shop getting fixed right now. I'm paying around $50 to see if I need to buy a new one or not. I dropped it off last Weds and haven't heard back yet. Why is it taking so long?!?
Hmmm. I didn't erase anything off my computer before bringing it in. I can just see it now. The fixit guy is sitting in the back of the shop reading all my previous blog posts. For hours on end.
I'm not sure my old blog posts are THAT fascinating though. Perhaps for an old Asian guy in computer engineering who normally fixes university computers with el-boringo academic shit on them.
Yeah, perhaps then.
I feel violated. Stop looking at stuff on my laptop and return it already!
Hmmm. I didn't erase anything off my computer before bringing it in. I can just see it now. The fixit guy is sitting in the back of the shop reading all my previous blog posts. For hours on end.
I'm not sure my old blog posts are THAT fascinating though. Perhaps for an old Asian guy in computer engineering who normally fixes university computers with el-boringo academic shit on them.
Yeah, perhaps then.
I feel violated. Stop looking at stuff on my laptop and return it already!
Thursday, December 06, 2007
Why I wear board shorts
Photo: TMZ.comI'm not a frequenter of gossip sites, but after reading Jennifer Love Hewitt's comments on this butt shot of herself, I had to check it out. I feel bad for her. No one wants their badonkadonk on display like that for the whole world to see. Good for her I say! She says she loves her body and that rocks.
However, this is exactly why I wear board shorts and not bikini bottoms. Ya see, problem areas all covered up!
Photo: KillerDana.com
If you read this blog ever, you know about my rear-end issues. After seeing that photo I may feel bad for Miss Hewitt, but I feel good for the rest of us girls. All we ever see out there in the media regarding the female form is perfection. Men, on the other hand, see many more naked female bodies than us straight women ever do, perhaps that's why they're much less "picky" about our perceived imperfections. Or, as one male friend of mine said - if you're looking at a set of naked boobs, you're just happy to have naked boobs in front of you and not so picky about what they look like. Good point.
Frankly, I don't think seeing people at their worst is nice at all, we don't need that. But I do think it's refreshing to see REAL. Just a peek at the un-professionally dressed and makeup-ized, un-photoshopped/airbrushed versions of real people would be quite fine thank you!
As for me... Bikini bottoms may be cute on cute bottoms, but I'll be the girl on the right, thank you very much!
Photo: MsOutdoor.com
So um yeah... while I was cruising board shorts, I kinda ran across these photos. And well, you know my policy on gratuitous male nudity? Ahem, and if not then you do now!
Photo: Swim-Shop.com
Yowzers! ... I do prefer board shorts over any kind of skivvies on men, but I'm not going to complain! Nope.
Monday, December 03, 2007
Il Carpaccio di Gamba
There has been a lot of hoopla over whether adding a 4th blade to razors was really necessary. This cartoon at http://www.offthemark.com/ makes the point well.
To me, triple blades already shave close. I mean, how much closer than close can you really get before you're removing skin?
I went through this recently when I bought a new set of razors... Holy SHARP! I felt like an Italian Chef carving meat with that thing! Unlike Kramer, I've never thought of preparing dinner in the shower! So instead of making Carpaccio di Manzo all’Olio di Tartufo Estivo Carpaccio (thinly sliced raw beef tenderloin with capers, shaved Parmesan and black truffle oil), I could make Carpaccio di Gamba all’Olio di Tartufo Estivo Carpaccio (thinly sliced raw LEG). Apparently, the most difficult part of preparing carpaccio is the slicing of the meat. I dunno but with these razors, the slices are coming off pretty damn easy!
According to this recipe: Carpaccio Capers, lean meat, especially the rump, is best for carpaccio as it has more flavour. Hmm, I never thought of shaving my rump, but that would be really handy. And there's a seemingly endless supply of beef there...
Sunday, December 02, 2007
Missing her
I missed her the moment she took her last breath.
I saw the life leave her body. I saw them take her away. But how can she be gone, just like that? One day she’s with us, the next she’s not. It doesn’t make sense.
Now it’s been two weeks… And I don’t know how to find her. I see her in photos. Songs remind me of her. I remember her smiling face, her sweet voice, her warm hands holding mine. I want to remember more, every second I was privileged to be with her. I want to relive every moment. To feel the happiness of being in her presence. To laugh as a family when she was there laughing with us.
We knew those were great moments, but now they’re so unbelievably precious.
Memories of her only make me miss her more. My heart aches to be near her. When will I get to see her again? This can’t be it. How can a heart yearn for something that will never be? It doesn’t seem real. It can’t be permanent. It can’t be possible that she’s not at home with Dad like any normal evening. It can’t be true that she won’t be there to give me a big smiling hug when I arrive and an extra long tearful hug when I have to go. It can’t be possible that she’s not there to fill every corner of that house with love.
It didn’t matter what we did together, we were together and that was enough. But it’s not lasting long enough. There’s no way to make it last long enough. I need more of her.
She's my mom. How can she just be gone? Time may eventually fade the hurt, but please don’t take away my memories of her. She can’t just fade away. My memories are the only thing I have when I miss her. And oh how I miss her so.
I saw the life leave her body. I saw them take her away. But how can she be gone, just like that? One day she’s with us, the next she’s not. It doesn’t make sense.
Now it’s been two weeks… And I don’t know how to find her. I see her in photos. Songs remind me of her. I remember her smiling face, her sweet voice, her warm hands holding mine. I want to remember more, every second I was privileged to be with her. I want to relive every moment. To feel the happiness of being in her presence. To laugh as a family when she was there laughing with us.
We knew those were great moments, but now they’re so unbelievably precious.
Memories of her only make me miss her more. My heart aches to be near her. When will I get to see her again? This can’t be it. How can a heart yearn for something that will never be? It doesn’t seem real. It can’t be permanent. It can’t be possible that she’s not at home with Dad like any normal evening. It can’t be true that she won’t be there to give me a big smiling hug when I arrive and an extra long tearful hug when I have to go. It can’t be possible that she’s not there to fill every corner of that house with love.
It didn’t matter what we did together, we were together and that was enough. But it’s not lasting long enough. There’s no way to make it last long enough. I need more of her.
She's my mom. How can she just be gone? Time may eventually fade the hurt, but please don’t take away my memories of her. She can’t just fade away. My memories are the only thing I have when I miss her. And oh how I miss her so.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
I'll be back...
Well, it's been almost 2 weeks since the start of my blog-writing fast... I feel like I'm on a writer's strike. Although I'm still working on my thesis, uh, for the last few days anyways. So instead of writing about annoying people or poop stories, I've been writing about sugar and fat consumption and the subsequent stimulation/inhibition of the genes involved making fat in the liver... and other fun stuff!
Truthfully I'm feeling a bit backed up. A creative constipation of sorts. I have no outlet for my weirdness and it builds and builds and one of these days I'm going to BLOW! My friends and family have been very understanding when the crazy does leak out, but I can only use their generosity for so long. Yep, I'm afraid I may have to start up the blogging again. It may be more sporatic than in the past, but I need to PURGE!
That's it. That's what I wanted to say. For now, it's back to fat synthesis and storage... Hmmm, writing about what's physiologically occuring in my body at this very moment. Ironic.
Truthfully I'm feeling a bit backed up. A creative constipation of sorts. I have no outlet for my weirdness and it builds and builds and one of these days I'm going to BLOW! My friends and family have been very understanding when the crazy does leak out, but I can only use their generosity for so long. Yep, I'm afraid I may have to start up the blogging again. It may be more sporatic than in the past, but I need to PURGE!
That's it. That's what I wanted to say. For now, it's back to fat synthesis and storage... Hmmm, writing about what's physiologically occuring in my body at this very moment. Ironic.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Taking a break...
I said before that this blog is an "outlet for my stranger side." As frivolous as it always was, it effectively served as a distraction from the less fun parts of life. If I got too serious or stressed, writing about something really stupid would temporarily lift me out of it. Kind of like when you get mad while looking for your keys and wipe out on the kitchen floor. You just have to lay there laughing for a bit and after that you find yourself not so mad anymore (till you get up and still can't find your keys and then you wipe out again... it's a viscious circle and I could spend hours at it, lol). So you notice what you focus on... and zeroing in on the more humorous side of life added a lot of happiness to the day to day, no matter what else was going on.
My family was always like that, giggling amidst the toughest of times. It's not that we don't hurt, it's just a show of appreciation for all (the light and the dark) aspects of life. While my brothers and sister laugh at each other (that was indeed "at" and not "with") or we all chuckle at something my dad does or smile at something my mom used to say... My focus is elsewhere for the next little while. I'm taking a break from blogging for a wee bit.
My family was always like that, giggling amidst the toughest of times. It's not that we don't hurt, it's just a show of appreciation for all (the light and the dark) aspects of life. While my brothers and sister laugh at each other (that was indeed "at" and not "with") or we all chuckle at something my dad does or smile at something my mom used to say... My focus is elsewhere for the next little while. I'm taking a break from blogging for a wee bit.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Making fun of chicks is pretty easy
These guys kills me... They must have had so much fun making this.
Gap Girls SNL
Add to My Profile More Videos
Gap Girls SNL
Add to My Profile More Videos
Friday, November 09, 2007
Funny Shit
This post from the blog 15 Minute Lunch had me laughing pretty hard with all his comments about 'how to get your ass kicked..."
SEE: Strap in, shut up and hold on. We're going back.
Excerpt:
Go!
SEE: Strap in, shut up and hold on. We're going back.
Excerpt:
Last weekend I put an exhaust fan in the ceiling for my wife's grandfather. After a bunch of hours spent in The Hottest Attic In The Universe, he had a ceiling fan that ducted to the side of his house.While my brother-in-law and I were fitting the fan in between the joists, we found something under the insulation.
What we found was this:A JC Penney catalog from 1977. It's not often blog fodder just falls in my lap, but holy hell this was two solid inches of it, right there for the taking.
Pretty funny. Click on the link above there and check it out. Do it. Now.
Go!
Thursday, November 08, 2007
What!!! The thesis won't write itself?!?
It's a good thing I read this article. Now I realize that sitting down and writing my thesis is 100% more productive than various different subsets of not writing my thesis. If I actually write my thesis, then it's 100% more likely to get written than if I was constantly mauling my cats or moshing to the Offspring in the kitchen, 100% more likely to get written than playing online Scrabble with various cheaters, 100% more likely to get written than making YouTube videos of stuff that's 100% more exciting than thesis writing, 100% more likely to get written than meandering around the apartment searching for a reason to live (or my keys), 100% more likely to get written than checking Facebook to see how my friends are also spending their days not working, 100% more likely to get written than staying up all night (not writing) then sleeping all day, 100% more likely to get written than writing stupid blog posts on why it's not getting written, and 98.2 percent more likely to get written than if I just quit and went to work as a sandwich artist.
There you have it. It's official. Now I know. And when ya know better, ya do better. Right?
I'd better go and write something else now. Bye.
Wednesday, November 07, 2007
Offensive... Nah, funny!
I came across this clip of the “insult comic” Lisa Lampanelli being interviewed for radio… Is she offensive, or just funny?
I've noticed some things about radio DJs (particularly on morning shows). They talk too much with each other. GAB GAB GAB -- I wanna hear some music dammit!!! And then they laugh way too much at each other’s pathetic jokes! I simply can’t listen to some morning shows. The radio ends up in grave danger of being hucked out the window because of a pack of DJ hyenas laughing at unfunny shit like it’s the most hilarious thing they’ve ever heard in their entire life, morning after morning after morning. In DJ school there must be a class called "Laughing at Everything 101" where they learn how to spontaneously crack up at NOTHING... (Which is why I listen to Garner on Sonic every day… he's different.. :)
At least in this clip, they’re over-the-top laughing at something that’s actually funny!
Monday, November 05, 2007
Wiley Coyote
Friday, November 02, 2007
Profanity is FUN!
Apparently a British study has found that swearing on the job can reduce stress and boost employee morale. (See article: What the ...? Workplace profanity boosts morale: study).
Interesting. I knew I was doing a good thing by swearing at the printer all the time! If my supervisor ever walks in (yeah, could happen), I'll just tell him that "frequent swearing can reinforce solidarity among staff and enable them to express their feelings, such as frustration, and develop social relationships." He's in research. He'll know it must be true!
Although I'm not sure what social relationships cursing would end up developing... or why. Will people think I'm cool because of my colourful language and want to get to know me better? I highly doubt it. Will they form a bond over how universally frustrating the printer is, and a relationship then blossom via an intense empathy for each others trials and tribulations? I doubt that too. I think I'll keep trying to stifle it as long as I know others are within earshot.
Driving, on the other hand, is a completely different story. I'm not getting mad while driving. I'm just expressing myself through profanity... It's pantloads of fun! Profanity makes me feel good, especially when directed at stupid people who don't know it. Hence, other drivers. On the road there's no lack of targets for my morale-boosting antics. And since when does such fun NOT improve the morale on a road trip?
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Cat Alarm
Rose sent me a link to this video - How cat owners wake up.
Funny.
Now I know why I have bags under my eyes in the morning! (See: Rude Awakenings).
Funny.
Now I know why I have bags under my eyes in the morning! (See: Rude Awakenings).
Monday, October 29, 2007
Online Dating: Some Final Words
Last week I featured a few posts from the world of online dating. My dating life has always been kind of like the "when it rains it pours" theory (see former posts: Dating Degrees of Separation and the now famous Escapee returns to nunnery after year-long experiment with dating). So I suppose this wasn't much different, just amped up a bit.
It was definitely an interesting endeavour. It certainly exposes a person to a much wider range of possibilities... Often people that wouldn't dare talk to you in person (could be shy... or because they look like quasi-moto) are sending you a message in cyberspace. There were guys sending me long rambling emails, who didn't care if I emailed them back. There were guys sending short emails, who didn't seem to notice that I didn't email them back, i.e. "Do you have long fingernails?" or "I bet you'd look great in tight jeans." There was seriously not a day that went by when something interesting wasn't going on.
Briefly, I recognized and ended up meeting a guy I'd photographed in a former post! See: Nekedness... The good, the bad and the uggo (and it wasn't the neked neighbour!). He seemed rather fascinated that someone featured his neked self on the net without his knowledge. Oh c'mon, it's not that creepy! Another guy sent me a photo of his penis. He was emailing me pictures of himself and I had specified NO below the belt shots! So when I opened the picture, I had to take a second to lift my jaw up off the keyboard again before I could respond. A couple of days later I emailed him and said, "FYI me and my friends are enjoying your photos..." He was actually surprised that I'd share the photo. C'mon man, there's no way I could pass up telling that story to the girls! Ahem, and then they were all curious...
You need to get past the freaks and have fun with the whole online thing. It's some prime entertainment (and can be addicting, which is why I got out). There are people who will chat with you but never make a move to meet you. They'll even ask to go for coffee and when you agree- nuthin. It's almost like the guys at the bar who collect phone numbers and never call. A fellow online dater used to get very disappointed at some men's inability to follow through. She'd give her number out to several guys who said they'd take her out on the weekend. The weekend rolled around- nuthin. I had to remind her of my motto: Let the cream rise to the top. And it certainly did.
I have never been a multi-dater or that relaxed about dating overall, but I became better at it (with practice;). I have to say, there are some benefits to multi-dating. Us girls can be pretty high maintenance and a little obsessive at times (case in point: The Psychology of Dating). We need a lot of attention! If you date several guys, it's like a perfect world... One brings you flowers, another calls regularly, one jokes around while another braves some pretty deep conversations with you, another takes you out to dinner while yet another is texting/emailing you sweet nothings. Several men = the ideal man!!! The biggest drawback? Like I mentioned in that former post about dating degrees of separation, I hate telling people they aren't right for the job. GUH.
In the end, though, I'm a one-man woman. And that's how it turned out for me... Yay!
It was definitely an interesting endeavour. It certainly exposes a person to a much wider range of possibilities... Often people that wouldn't dare talk to you in person (could be shy... or because they look like quasi-moto) are sending you a message in cyberspace. There were guys sending me long rambling emails, who didn't care if I emailed them back. There were guys sending short emails, who didn't seem to notice that I didn't email them back, i.e. "Do you have long fingernails?" or "I bet you'd look great in tight jeans." There was seriously not a day that went by when something interesting wasn't going on.
Briefly, I recognized and ended up meeting a guy I'd photographed in a former post! See: Nekedness... The good, the bad and the uggo (and it wasn't the neked neighbour!). He seemed rather fascinated that someone featured his neked self on the net without his knowledge. Oh c'mon, it's not that creepy! Another guy sent me a photo of his penis. He was emailing me pictures of himself and I had specified NO below the belt shots! So when I opened the picture, I had to take a second to lift my jaw up off the keyboard again before I could respond. A couple of days later I emailed him and said, "FYI me and my friends are enjoying your photos..." He was actually surprised that I'd share the photo. C'mon man, there's no way I could pass up telling that story to the girls! Ahem, and then they were all curious...
You need to get past the freaks and have fun with the whole online thing. It's some prime entertainment (and can be addicting, which is why I got out). There are people who will chat with you but never make a move to meet you. They'll even ask to go for coffee and when you agree- nuthin. It's almost like the guys at the bar who collect phone numbers and never call. A fellow online dater used to get very disappointed at some men's inability to follow through. She'd give her number out to several guys who said they'd take her out on the weekend. The weekend rolled around- nuthin. I had to remind her of my motto: Let the cream rise to the top. And it certainly did.
I have never been a multi-dater or that relaxed about dating overall, but I became better at it (with practice;). I have to say, there are some benefits to multi-dating. Us girls can be pretty high maintenance and a little obsessive at times (case in point: The Psychology of Dating). We need a lot of attention! If you date several guys, it's like a perfect world... One brings you flowers, another calls regularly, one jokes around while another braves some pretty deep conversations with you, another takes you out to dinner while yet another is texting/emailing you sweet nothings. Several men = the ideal man!!! The biggest drawback? Like I mentioned in that former post about dating degrees of separation, I hate telling people they aren't right for the job. GUH.
In the end, though, I'm a one-man woman. And that's how it turned out for me... Yay!
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Online Dating: A Photo is Worth a Thousand Words
A lot of people online either don't have photos or have only an older one. In some cases it looks like it's been clipped from a magazine.
Don't fall for this! When the "reveal" happens, it will not be pretty! And by reveal, it can be in the form of him finally sending a recent photo, where you see that he gained a substantial amount of weight and lost a substantial amount of hair, or that he looks like he could be in an 80s hair band (or was way back when and hasn't updated his style). Pictures say so much... If you're an animal lover and he's photographed with an animal carcass and a huge shotgun, I'm betting you won't be a match. If you're a vegetarian health & fitness nut, and the Michelin man on the couch is juggling a triple cheeseburger and remote control then he probably isn't going to float your boat either. You may think I'm exaggerating, but there were a lot of people lying on the couch in their pictures! lol.
In the case of the guy with the model good looks (especially if he's got a Sears pose going on) who is emailing loooong letters about how you're his soulmate and he longs to be in your arms... It's more likely some scammer in a foreign country who longs to suck you dry! One such person wrote me his life story (see below) and then on msn he was asking me questions about myself. He started out with asking I live alone. I was thinking that if he was interested, he'd ask questions about my favourite food, what I do for fun or at least brag about how great he is. I informed him that in my opinion there were two reasons he'd want to know if I live alone- he wanted to rob/rape me or he wanted to see if I'd get on a webcam... with no one else around. Ahem. Oh the options! There were a lot more red flags, but the letter below says it all. If you get a form letter like this one, don't even bother. He was obviously preying on lonely older women... Age difference? He was 2 years younger than me...
Overall, there are a lot of cool people on these sites, but the freak ratio is pretty high. A good screening process is crucial and the learning curve can be steep. If the freak-light is flashing, run, don't walk in the other direction!
Hello Lady,
Thnx for responding my mail,I am happy meeting you as my friendsand maybe more oneday,I want us to get to know each before we meet in realto learn from each other in soul and spirit better.I love to go out and havefun,love watching sports,camping and so many more.I am going to send you myphoto and i hope you will also do the same for me to know whom i am talkingto.
I am John,I was born in Bootle Merseyside, North of England on October 12.My parents were very young when they had me and they passed away when I wasvery young I hadly knew them and have only a very faint memory of them. Mymother was dutch from Holland while my father was English. I grew up with mypaternal grandparents and grandpa worked in museums all over the world dongrestoration work.We lived in four diferent european cities as I grew up thenmoved back to London, moving back was definitely a good thing for me becauseit was my first opportunity of settling in a place for a while. When I was19 years old I went into the university of Durham in the north of Englandand I moved to Newcastle. Five (5) years later I graduated. At the age of 27my best friend died, my grandpa Before he died he wished I would get marriedand have kids. During my college years, I often applied for excavation jobsaround the world and got to travell extensively. In 1998 I was among a teamof archeaologists on a major find in Turkey and in 1999 in Greece. After along career traveling and bringing history to life, much of which I haverelished, I have finally decided to settle down with someone I love and makethe most of my life
It was very nice meeting you and i hope oneday we will be in each otherarms,I have been single for along time and always praying to meet the womanof my dreams,I have alot of female friends from college but never met theright woman of my dreams,You are a beautiful woman and i can see that youwill make your man very happy,I am ahonest,loving,caring,faithful,loyal,respectful and all a woman needs to behappy ,I lived with my cousins in the same house,will soon move to my newhome.I live at the north of barclays street,It is very nice and good placewith my cousins,I hope my age and my difference wont bother you at all.it does not bother me at as i am looking for my soulmate and my life partner,Iwant you to tell me about yourself and a photo
take care
John
Don't fall for this! When the "reveal" happens, it will not be pretty! And by reveal, it can be in the form of him finally sending a recent photo, where you see that he gained a substantial amount of weight and lost a substantial amount of hair, or that he looks like he could be in an 80s hair band (or was way back when and hasn't updated his style). Pictures say so much... If you're an animal lover and he's photographed with an animal carcass and a huge shotgun, I'm betting you won't be a match. If you're a vegetarian health & fitness nut, and the Michelin man on the couch is juggling a triple cheeseburger and remote control then he probably isn't going to float your boat either. You may think I'm exaggerating, but there were a lot of people lying on the couch in their pictures! lol.
In the case of the guy with the model good looks (especially if he's got a Sears pose going on) who is emailing loooong letters about how you're his soulmate and he longs to be in your arms... It's more likely some scammer in a foreign country who longs to suck you dry! One such person wrote me his life story (see below) and then on msn he was asking me questions about myself. He started out with asking I live alone. I was thinking that if he was interested, he'd ask questions about my favourite food, what I do for fun or at least brag about how great he is. I informed him that in my opinion there were two reasons he'd want to know if I live alone- he wanted to rob/rape me or he wanted to see if I'd get on a webcam... with no one else around. Ahem. Oh the options! There were a lot more red flags, but the letter below says it all. If you get a form letter like this one, don't even bother. He was obviously preying on lonely older women... Age difference? He was 2 years younger than me...
Overall, there are a lot of cool people on these sites, but the freak ratio is pretty high. A good screening process is crucial and the learning curve can be steep. If the freak-light is flashing, run, don't walk in the other direction!
Hello Lady,
Thnx for responding my mail,I am happy meeting you as my friendsand maybe more oneday,I want us to get to know each before we meet in realto learn from each other in soul and spirit better.I love to go out and havefun,love watching sports,camping and so many more.I am going to send you myphoto and i hope you will also do the same for me to know whom i am talkingto.
I am John,I was born in Bootle Merseyside, North of England on October 12.My parents were very young when they had me and they passed away when I wasvery young I hadly knew them and have only a very faint memory of them. Mymother was dutch from Holland while my father was English. I grew up with mypaternal grandparents and grandpa worked in museums all over the world dongrestoration work.We lived in four diferent european cities as I grew up thenmoved back to London, moving back was definitely a good thing for me becauseit was my first opportunity of settling in a place for a while. When I was19 years old I went into the university of Durham in the north of Englandand I moved to Newcastle. Five (5) years later I graduated. At the age of 27my best friend died, my grandpa Before he died he wished I would get marriedand have kids. During my college years, I often applied for excavation jobsaround the world and got to travell extensively. In 1998 I was among a teamof archeaologists on a major find in Turkey and in 1999 in Greece. After along career traveling and bringing history to life, much of which I haverelished, I have finally decided to settle down with someone I love and makethe most of my life
It was very nice meeting you and i hope oneday we will be in each otherarms,I have been single for along time and always praying to meet the womanof my dreams,I have alot of female friends from college but never met theright woman of my dreams,You are a beautiful woman and i can see that youwill make your man very happy,I am ahonest,loving,caring,faithful,loyal,respectful and all a woman needs to behappy ,I lived with my cousins in the same house,will soon move to my newhome.I live at the north of barclays street,It is very nice and good placewith my cousins,I hope my age and my difference wont bother you at all.it does not bother me at as i am looking for my soulmate and my life partner,Iwant you to tell me about yourself and a photo
take care
John
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Online Dating: Humour Works
Whenever I got an email on the dating site, I'd read it and then go to the person's profile and check it out. This was time consuming but I wanted to be courteous... and thorough (remember, I'm a researcher by nature;). So needless to say (but I'll say it anyways) it took something pretty special to get an actual email back from me.
A fellow female online dater had this to say about it:
Well things that irritate me is getting an email with that kind of "stock" paragraph of info... like you can tell that it's probably something they send to everyone/anyone because a) it's REALLY long and b) there's nothing personal in it. There's no specifics related to your profile at all. I dislike that haha - I'd rather have a one-liner than that. Oh also avoid such witty and smooth emails such as "u r hot" and "i choose you" ... seriously - are these people expecting a response??
So what does get a response? Well, a nice photo helps (it's tough not to answer the Johnny Depp look-alike) ... but humour is definitely where it's at. And then, if you add a side of flattery, I'm clicking that REPLY button faster than you can say 'how YOU doon?' haha.
This is how one guy got a response and just kept the giggles going:
Him: Thanks....I'm not as retarded as my profile. Just kept it that way cause this site is somewhat retarded & I wanted to fit in lol. Dont worry, your safe with me as long as I take my meds. Besides, running outa places to store bodies lol.
Perhaps that should've scared me away, but it didn't (although I forget what his profile said now).
Sometimes a profile stands out. When this guy emailed, I couldn't NOT respond. This one had me howling with tears rolling down the cheeks... Enjoy :)
Ahhh me… A pocked and shiny sloped brow leads to up to my sparse, unkempt greasy hair which only accentuates my bulbous eyes (left one is a bit of a wanderer)… the best way to describe my nose with its volumous thick hair is “runny”…my tooth is still in pretty good shape and is “sunshine yellow”…I have been trying to grow a moustache for 3 years… I stand almost 5’ and have really let myself go… one of my legs is notably longer than the other which of course makes me a wicked dancer, even if by mistake… If I had friends they would describe me as a simple, humorless, self conscious, irritable loner… Women often say things to me like “stop following me” or “get the hell off me” or “whats THAT smell?”… I have developed somewhat of a resistance to mace and pepper spray…
I can further be describes as “unemployable” and do odd jobs for strait cash so I guess that makes me a bit of an ontrompanuur… I live in my ’86 Astro van (with mags) with my 6 cats and iguana so I am very mobile when I can afford gas…
I further enjoy sitting on your couch and eating your food (spray cheese strait from the can if you really cared)…while having my back hair braided. I enjoy a good tractor pull as much as the next guy especially if i am wearing my favorite old sweat pants sans under garments, white tube socks and a shirt i got out of a beer case 8 years ago...
I enjoy short walks to the fridge, making cat toys from belly button lint and earwax candle making. I recently attended my grade 9 graduation reunion which was held in the parking lot at the 7-11…
You.. you are a super hot virgin nyphomanic heress that can cook like nobodies business and likes to rub my feet while I play poker with the boys...
Hurry! Contact me! This action wont last long...lol
I have been asked to add what my education level is... well i dont have a degree as such but i do have a level 32 shaman on everquest named arcuss... that has just got to count for something. anyone?.. hello?.. is this thing on?
I don't know what it is, but I love it when people say, "is this thing on?" It gets me every time. Thanks dude, that was priceless!
A fellow female online dater had this to say about it:
Well things that irritate me is getting an email with that kind of "stock" paragraph of info... like you can tell that it's probably something they send to everyone/anyone because a) it's REALLY long and b) there's nothing personal in it. There's no specifics related to your profile at all. I dislike that haha - I'd rather have a one-liner than that. Oh also avoid such witty and smooth emails such as "u r hot" and "i choose you" ... seriously - are these people expecting a response??
So what does get a response? Well, a nice photo helps (it's tough not to answer the Johnny Depp look-alike) ... but humour is definitely where it's at. And then, if you add a side of flattery, I'm clicking that REPLY button faster than you can say 'how YOU doon?' haha.
This is how one guy got a response and just kept the giggles going:
Him: I think I wuv you!!!!!!!!! Dont know how I stumbled upon your profile though
Me: hello... very funny profile!Him: Thanks....I'm not as retarded as my profile. Just kept it that way cause this site is somewhat retarded & I wanted to fit in lol. Dont worry, your safe with me as long as I take my meds. Besides, running outa places to store bodies lol.
Perhaps that should've scared me away, but it didn't (although I forget what his profile said now).
Sometimes a profile stands out. When this guy emailed, I couldn't NOT respond. This one had me howling with tears rolling down the cheeks... Enjoy :)
Ahhh me… A pocked and shiny sloped brow leads to up to my sparse, unkempt greasy hair which only accentuates my bulbous eyes (left one is a bit of a wanderer)… the best way to describe my nose with its volumous thick hair is “runny”…my tooth is still in pretty good shape and is “sunshine yellow”…I have been trying to grow a moustache for 3 years… I stand almost 5’ and have really let myself go… one of my legs is notably longer than the other which of course makes me a wicked dancer, even if by mistake… If I had friends they would describe me as a simple, humorless, self conscious, irritable loner… Women often say things to me like “stop following me” or “get the hell off me” or “whats THAT smell?”… I have developed somewhat of a resistance to mace and pepper spray…
I can further be describes as “unemployable” and do odd jobs for strait cash so I guess that makes me a bit of an ontrompanuur… I live in my ’86 Astro van (with mags) with my 6 cats and iguana so I am very mobile when I can afford gas…
I further enjoy sitting on your couch and eating your food (spray cheese strait from the can if you really cared)…while having my back hair braided. I enjoy a good tractor pull as much as the next guy especially if i am wearing my favorite old sweat pants sans under garments, white tube socks and a shirt i got out of a beer case 8 years ago...
I enjoy short walks to the fridge, making cat toys from belly button lint and earwax candle making. I recently attended my grade 9 graduation reunion which was held in the parking lot at the 7-11…
You.. you are a super hot virgin nyphomanic heress that can cook like nobodies business and likes to rub my feet while I play poker with the boys...
Hurry! Contact me! This action wont last long...lol
I have been asked to add what my education level is... well i dont have a degree as such but i do have a level 32 shaman on everquest named arcuss... that has just got to count for something. anyone?.. hello?.. is this thing on?
I don't know what it is, but I love it when people say, "is this thing on?" It gets me every time. Thanks dude, that was priceless!
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Online Dating: First Dates
Many online sites have a section for first date suggestions. Here are a few that made me chuckle...
good date: we go do something which we can both enjoy so we can be relaxed, have fun and actually get to know a bit about each other.
bad date: i politely tell you i'm not interested, you show up in my foyer with a set of hand cuffs and a rubber mallet.
On our first date I thought it might be fun to Lick each others necks,Dress up like clowns and rob Liquor stores at gun point(of course split the money),,and go for a walk and grab old peoples buttocks,and Jumping naked on a trampoline.
what do i hope to do on a first date?... umm YOU!... duh... next question please... lol... (just joshin.. if you have made it this far you probably either have the same sense of humour as me or are building a legal case against me...lol) ... a quick drink in a cool little spot would suffice...
First, we would meet at Tim Hortons. When our eyes first meet, the electricity, sparks, heat and passion would set off the sprinkler system. We would quickly run out, covering our heads with random strangers coats. Once in the parking lot, we would hop into my Ferrari and whisk ourselves to Jasper, where we would have a lovely day shopping and visiting all the kitschy and touristy places you wanted to see. You would then be kidnapped by a horde of evil ninja's, and be taked hostage. I would mount a daring, James Bond-esque rescue, and we'd barely escape with our lives. Next, we would fly to Vegas, where we'd take in a show or two. After the shows, we'd hit the casino floor, where we'd bankrupt the casino shooting on the high-limit craps table. We'd walk out filthy rich, and own the casino. When we left the casino, Mike Tyson would make a disparaging comment about you, and I would gallantly jump to your defense and mop the floor with him. Finally, we'd fly to Paris and climb the Eiffel Tower and share the most passionate kiss ever experienced on the planet earth as the sun rose in the distance. You'd never be the same, nor would I. It would be love at first sight, and we'd be inseperable for the rest of our lives.
good date: we go do something which we can both enjoy so we can be relaxed, have fun and actually get to know a bit about each other.
bad date: i politely tell you i'm not interested, you show up in my foyer with a set of hand cuffs and a rubber mallet.
On our first date I thought it might be fun to Lick each others necks,Dress up like clowns and rob Liquor stores at gun point(of course split the money),,and go for a walk and grab old peoples buttocks,and Jumping naked on a trampoline.
what do i hope to do on a first date?... umm YOU!... duh... next question please... lol... (just joshin.. if you have made it this far you probably either have the same sense of humour as me or are building a legal case against me...lol) ... a quick drink in a cool little spot would suffice...
First, we would meet at Tim Hortons. When our eyes first meet, the electricity, sparks, heat and passion would set off the sprinkler system. We would quickly run out, covering our heads with random strangers coats. Once in the parking lot, we would hop into my Ferrari and whisk ourselves to Jasper, where we would have a lovely day shopping and visiting all the kitschy and touristy places you wanted to see. You would then be kidnapped by a horde of evil ninja's, and be taked hostage. I would mount a daring, James Bond-esque rescue, and we'd barely escape with our lives. Next, we would fly to Vegas, where we'd take in a show or two. After the shows, we'd hit the casino floor, where we'd bankrupt the casino shooting on the high-limit craps table. We'd walk out filthy rich, and own the casino. When we left the casino, Mike Tyson would make a disparaging comment about you, and I would gallantly jump to your defense and mop the floor with him. Finally, we'd fly to Paris and climb the Eiffel Tower and share the most passionate kiss ever experienced on the planet earth as the sun rose in the distance. You'd never be the same, nor would I. It would be love at first sight, and we'd be inseperable for the rest of our lives.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Online Dating: One Man's Opinion
The passage below was actually on a guy's profile. Seriously, this dude NEEDS his own Blog. He's got a little too much to say to the world, like the rest of us bloggers, haha. It's also mildly entertaining at least. I wonder how much action he got from this... To me, there are a few red flags... I counted about 472. Ok, so I wouldn't date him, but I couldn't help but ponder... Will he ever shut up? Do I want him to? Is he completely nuts or does he have valid points despite rays of skewed sarcasm? I imagine a guy like Dennis Leary on the other end of this...
This whole online dating scene has an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7pm instead of 7:30. Entertainment for the caveman was simple: Man kills food, woman burns it, giant pterodactyl swoops down, chases woman, woman falls in mud. A good laugh is had by all. We get Plentyoffish.com.
I don't know why I bought a computer. Computers are ruining the country. Computers and women. And they're quite similar because I don't know how to turn either of them on. You know what I would do if I was Prime Minister? I'd take a big empty province that nobody's using, y'know, like Saskatchewan, and I'd pack every pregnant woman in the country into donut trucks, and convoy 'em all to Saskatoon.
Being a man is all about making mistakes and not caring. Those articles that say married couples have sex every month are just sensationalistic lies perpetrated on the public to sell magazines. It's hooey I tell you, hooey! I'd like a nice juicy steak, medium rare, with little brown potatoes on the right side of the plate, ketchup on the left, where some people waste space with vegetables. And for dessert, a roast beef. Soon my mouth will be alive with dead animals of every race and religion. Feed me, or feed me to something. I just want to be part of the food chain. You know another thing that uh, you know another thing that makes women such a blessing to us? It's like when you're sitting somewhere and they come over to you and say, "What are you thinking?" And you start thinking, "Y'know, if I wanted you to know, I'd be talking." But you actually can't say that to 'em or they'll kill you. And they're allowed to, see it's that whole period, p.m.s. thing. I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I think that p.m.s. stands for "Pummel Men's Scrotums".
Yeah, doggone it, if we men could only be comfortable with our age like you darn gals. You know, I mean, in the morning you go into the bathroom, a little blush, a little mascara and voila, you got an old woman scared of rain. Then you try to clean and jerk your breasts into a bra, ease some exercise pants over that front and back belly, go down to the market and flirt with the bagboy. I guess what I'm trying to say is it's just pretty pathetic when we guys try to cling to our youth. You know, when you share a bathroom with a woman, you got nylons hanging on the curtain rod, you got Nair where the toothpaste should be, a bottle of vinegar lying around. I mean, what do they do in there, make a salad?
Britney really did used to be kinda sweet and likable. It seems hard to remember now but it really was true. Remember? Christina was the tramp and Jessica had no career and Britney was the****tease jailbait virgin who outsold both of them put together. It was a simpler time in North America I like to refer to as 2003.
I speak with wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who goes blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. I'm not looking for a girl with a deep throaty laugh like the sound a dog makes just before he throws up. When I speak to my sweetie, I wanna hear bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up. Love should hurt, like the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall. I'm not looking for anyone with vocabulary as bad as, like, whatever. The brain doesn't need blood, it just needs to be kept wet. I'm a living example of how the brain doesn't really need blood to work. They call me Flipper... Flipper...
Lawn sales and garage sales are based on the bigger idiot theory. You know, you sell things so dumb, that some bigger idiot would buy it. But the flaw on that theory is that eventually, you will get to the head idiot. And unfortunately she is some poor sap's wife.
You know what I need, someone who can swing a bat and look good doing it. Baseball is a Canadian tradition, like fathers chasing their sons with power tools. I'm looking for someone I can go out and enjoy doing things with. I work alot and in my spare time I enjoy going to the gym. Fitness is important to me, people should take care of themselves. My other interests include playing mixed slo-pitch in the summer and trying to get the odd golf game in. I'm not very good at golf but I enjoy going out and cursing and throwing clubs around.
I'd like to thank my mom and dad for their good genes, I wanna thank God too, word to Jesus. I tend to make up my own words, or spell old words in some super awesome way, don't argue, just go with it. Thank you and god bless.
I get asked why I'm single and I try to think up all the reasons why, or I come up with some witty answer that deflects how I really feel. The bottom line is that I fell hard for someone I was interested in a few years back and quite honestly I'm not over it in that I didn't like how it ended or how I acted which resulted in that outcome. If I could go back in time, I would change a lot of things that happened. I think you meet someone very special on so few occasions in life and I think you truely realize how special they are when they aren't around anymore.
I hate Christmas. The mall is full of nothing but women and children. All you hear is, "I want this", "Get me this", "I have to have this"... and then there's the children. And they're all by my store 'cause they stuck the mall santa right outside ringing his stupid bell. As if you need a bell to notice a 300-pound alcoholic in a red suit. "Ho, Ho, Ho" all day long. So, nice as I can be, I go outside, ask him to shut the hell up. He takes a swing at me. So I lay a hook into his fat belly and he goes down. Beard comes off, all the kids start crying and I'm the badguy. But Christmas isn't the time for regrets, that's what anniversaries are for.
First Date? Nothing as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that is actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a landmine or something.
There's no answer that can go here that isn't sappy or makes absolutely no sense. So I'll just say the perfect first date would be one that didn't involve death or sex or chocolate-covered midgets. Something fun and goofy, like stealing cookies from 7-11 then eating them by candlelight behind a dumpster, while being serenaded by a rabid pack of gophers wearing old navy jeans and coca-cola sunglasses.
You think I'm a loser? Because I have a stinking job that I hate, a family that doesn't respect me, and a whole city that curses the day I was born? Well, that may mean loser to you, but let me tell you something. Every day when I wake up in the morning, I know it's not going to get any better until I go back to sleep. So I get up, I have my watered-down Tang and my still-frozen Poptart. I get in my car with no gas, no upholstery, and six more payments. I'll never play hockey like I wanted to. I'll never know the touch of a beautiful woman. And I'll never know the joy of driving through the city without a bag over my head. But I'm not a loser. Because, despite it all, me and every other guy who'll never be what we wanted to be, is out there, being what we don't want to be, forty hours a week, for life. And the fact I didn't put a gun in my mouth years ago - that little fact makes me a winner baby!
I don't celebrate birthdays or holidays. Oh sure, it causes irrepairable emotional scars. But it saves a few bucks on presents. I'm not perfect, but I'm working on it.
Should you choose to date me... I do solemnly swear to refrain from hitting on or flirting with other women. I shall not speak to another female, except as expressly permitted by you. I will not turn off my cell after two pints, nor shall I consume above the allowed volume of alcohol without first phoning for a taxi and calling you for a verbal waiver of said alcohol allowance. I understand that even if permission is granted to go out, you retain the right to be pissed off with me the following week for no valid reason whatsoever. I acknowledge my postion in life. I promise to abide by your rules and regulations. You reserve the right to obtain and use my credit cards whenever you wish to do so. I hereby promise to take you on an unlimitted shopping spree should I not return on agreed upon times. On my way home, I will not pick fights with strangers. Upon my return home, I promise not to urinate anywhere other than in the toilet. I addition, I will refrain from waking you up, breathing my vile breath in your face, and attempting to breed like a rabbit.
Haha!
This whole online dating scene has an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7pm instead of 7:30. Entertainment for the caveman was simple: Man kills food, woman burns it, giant pterodactyl swoops down, chases woman, woman falls in mud. A good laugh is had by all. We get Plentyoffish.com.
I don't know why I bought a computer. Computers are ruining the country. Computers and women. And they're quite similar because I don't know how to turn either of them on. You know what I would do if I was Prime Minister? I'd take a big empty province that nobody's using, y'know, like Saskatchewan, and I'd pack every pregnant woman in the country into donut trucks, and convoy 'em all to Saskatoon.
Being a man is all about making mistakes and not caring. Those articles that say married couples have sex every month are just sensationalistic lies perpetrated on the public to sell magazines. It's hooey I tell you, hooey! I'd like a nice juicy steak, medium rare, with little brown potatoes on the right side of the plate, ketchup on the left, where some people waste space with vegetables. And for dessert, a roast beef. Soon my mouth will be alive with dead animals of every race and religion. Feed me, or feed me to something. I just want to be part of the food chain. You know another thing that uh, you know another thing that makes women such a blessing to us? It's like when you're sitting somewhere and they come over to you and say, "What are you thinking?" And you start thinking, "Y'know, if I wanted you to know, I'd be talking." But you actually can't say that to 'em or they'll kill you. And they're allowed to, see it's that whole period, p.m.s. thing. I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I think that p.m.s. stands for "Pummel Men's Scrotums".
Yeah, doggone it, if we men could only be comfortable with our age like you darn gals. You know, I mean, in the morning you go into the bathroom, a little blush, a little mascara and voila, you got an old woman scared of rain. Then you try to clean and jerk your breasts into a bra, ease some exercise pants over that front and back belly, go down to the market and flirt with the bagboy. I guess what I'm trying to say is it's just pretty pathetic when we guys try to cling to our youth. You know, when you share a bathroom with a woman, you got nylons hanging on the curtain rod, you got Nair where the toothpaste should be, a bottle of vinegar lying around. I mean, what do they do in there, make a salad?
Britney really did used to be kinda sweet and likable. It seems hard to remember now but it really was true. Remember? Christina was the tramp and Jessica had no career and Britney was the****tease jailbait virgin who outsold both of them put together. It was a simpler time in North America I like to refer to as 2003.
I speak with wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who goes blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. I'm not looking for a girl with a deep throaty laugh like the sound a dog makes just before he throws up. When I speak to my sweetie, I wanna hear bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up. Love should hurt, like the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall. I'm not looking for anyone with vocabulary as bad as, like, whatever. The brain doesn't need blood, it just needs to be kept wet. I'm a living example of how the brain doesn't really need blood to work. They call me Flipper... Flipper...
Lawn sales and garage sales are based on the bigger idiot theory. You know, you sell things so dumb, that some bigger idiot would buy it. But the flaw on that theory is that eventually, you will get to the head idiot. And unfortunately she is some poor sap's wife.
You know what I need, someone who can swing a bat and look good doing it. Baseball is a Canadian tradition, like fathers chasing their sons with power tools. I'm looking for someone I can go out and enjoy doing things with. I work alot and in my spare time I enjoy going to the gym. Fitness is important to me, people should take care of themselves. My other interests include playing mixed slo-pitch in the summer and trying to get the odd golf game in. I'm not very good at golf but I enjoy going out and cursing and throwing clubs around.
I'd like to thank my mom and dad for their good genes, I wanna thank God too, word to Jesus. I tend to make up my own words, or spell old words in some super awesome way, don't argue, just go with it. Thank you and god bless.
I get asked why I'm single and I try to think up all the reasons why, or I come up with some witty answer that deflects how I really feel. The bottom line is that I fell hard for someone I was interested in a few years back and quite honestly I'm not over it in that I didn't like how it ended or how I acted which resulted in that outcome. If I could go back in time, I would change a lot of things that happened. I think you meet someone very special on so few occasions in life and I think you truely realize how special they are when they aren't around anymore.
I hate Christmas. The mall is full of nothing but women and children. All you hear is, "I want this", "Get me this", "I have to have this"... and then there's the children. And they're all by my store 'cause they stuck the mall santa right outside ringing his stupid bell. As if you need a bell to notice a 300-pound alcoholic in a red suit. "Ho, Ho, Ho" all day long. So, nice as I can be, I go outside, ask him to shut the hell up. He takes a swing at me. So I lay a hook into his fat belly and he goes down. Beard comes off, all the kids start crying and I'm the badguy. But Christmas isn't the time for regrets, that's what anniversaries are for.
First Date? Nothing as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that is actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a landmine or something.
There's no answer that can go here that isn't sappy or makes absolutely no sense. So I'll just say the perfect first date would be one that didn't involve death or sex or chocolate-covered midgets. Something fun and goofy, like stealing cookies from 7-11 then eating them by candlelight behind a dumpster, while being serenaded by a rabid pack of gophers wearing old navy jeans and coca-cola sunglasses.
You think I'm a loser? Because I have a stinking job that I hate, a family that doesn't respect me, and a whole city that curses the day I was born? Well, that may mean loser to you, but let me tell you something. Every day when I wake up in the morning, I know it's not going to get any better until I go back to sleep. So I get up, I have my watered-down Tang and my still-frozen Poptart. I get in my car with no gas, no upholstery, and six more payments. I'll never play hockey like I wanted to. I'll never know the touch of a beautiful woman. And I'll never know the joy of driving through the city without a bag over my head. But I'm not a loser. Because, despite it all, me and every other guy who'll never be what we wanted to be, is out there, being what we don't want to be, forty hours a week, for life. And the fact I didn't put a gun in my mouth years ago - that little fact makes me a winner baby!
I don't celebrate birthdays or holidays. Oh sure, it causes irrepairable emotional scars. But it saves a few bucks on presents. I'm not perfect, but I'm working on it.
Should you choose to date me... I do solemnly swear to refrain from hitting on or flirting with other women. I shall not speak to another female, except as expressly permitted by you. I will not turn off my cell after two pints, nor shall I consume above the allowed volume of alcohol without first phoning for a taxi and calling you for a verbal waiver of said alcohol allowance. I understand that even if permission is granted to go out, you retain the right to be pissed off with me the following week for no valid reason whatsoever. I acknowledge my postion in life. I promise to abide by your rules and regulations. You reserve the right to obtain and use my credit cards whenever you wish to do so. I hereby promise to take you on an unlimitted shopping spree should I not return on agreed upon times. On my way home, I will not pick fights with strangers. Upon my return home, I promise not to urinate anywhere other than in the toilet. I addition, I will refrain from waking you up, breathing my vile breath in your face, and attempting to breed like a rabbit.
Haha!
Monday, October 22, 2007
Online Dating: Intro
Scott Adams, you kill me... (http://www.dilbert.com/)
Not too long ago, I checked out the online dating scene… God, between the photos and what people write about themselves, it’s literally HOURS of entertainment. This week I’m going to feature some profiles and uh, maybe some of my own stories on this theme. We'll see.
And because people's profiles are anonymous on these sites and they have no copywrites (wah ha ha ha!) they will not be credited. Too bad, because some are quite funny... Although in some cases, they’ll be glad that NO ONE knows their identity!
Friday, October 19, 2007
Thursday, October 18, 2007
If I see that camera again, I'm taking it away...
Went to the Finger 11 / Sum 41 concert on Monday night... But after only taking a few shots of Finger 11, security was all over me like a fat kid on a timbit. Finger 11 was pretty damn good... I'd seen them a few years ago, and they didn't disappoint this time either. Strangely enough, I'd never seen Sum 41 play, even though I've been a fan for a long time now. They were tonnes of fun... but no photos for you!!! I can't understand why they don't allow pictures. Security acted like it was saving the world every time they took an amateur photographer down.
What was cool though, instead of Sum's regular guitar player they had the lead singer of Gob on the strings. Not sure why that made me happy :) They only played one Gob song though. Oh well.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Free Bike!
It reads:
"This bike is a piece of CRAP, i want it out of my yard. It is available to any one but MARK!!! So email me if you want directions to get it."
I wonder who "MARK" is... Must be her smartass hubby who would gladly claim it as his, but then keep it in the backyard just to grind on her last nerve.
What would be funny is if I got this bike for shits and giggles. I could ride it with my special friend helmet and my neon goggles. Sweet! I feel a halloween costume idea brewing here...
"This bike is a piece of CRAP, i want it out of my yard. It is available to any one but MARK!!! So email me if you want directions to get it."
I wonder who "MARK" is... Must be her smartass hubby who would gladly claim it as his, but then keep it in the backyard just to grind on her last nerve.
What would be funny is if I got this bike for shits and giggles. I could ride it with my special friend helmet and my neon goggles. Sweet! I feel a halloween costume idea brewing here...
Monday, October 15, 2007
Almost-PhD Forever
click images to enlarge
I was taking Procrastin-X (and high doses of ice cream, caffeine and alcohol) to deal with my Post-Bachelor Disorder... Little did I know they were contraindicated. Now I'll never graduate.
I'll forever be just an old, hyper, hungover almost-PhD fatty.
*Tick* *Shudder* *Twitch* *Moan*
The PBD is worse than ever. It says there's a cure but doesn't say what it is!!! I'd do ANYTHING to get rid of my raging PBD!!!
Uh, except work on my thesis. Yeah. Huge oversight there. Woops.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Hibernation via Haagen Dazs
There's a reason why I usually have a giant-sized coffee after lunch rather than half a pint of Vanilla Caramel Latte ice cream.
Coffee: 150 calories with 250 mg caffeine.
Ice cream: 600 calories (and not enough caffeine to wake a sleeping fly).
The question I must ask myself today: Why would I want to maximize both caloric intake and lethargy at the same time?
I don't know. I really don't. The coffee is usually just as good. Luckily Nate took home the Triple Chocolate, or I'd be in triple fat storage mode! Eeek!
I think my body wants to hibernate. Damn you impending winter, damn you!
ps. This is further proof that education doesn't necesarily lead to better choices.
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
Fakers
An army friend of mine was telling me about a guy at the bar the other night who was this close --> <-- to getting beat to a bloody pulp. I guess the guy was bragging about being in the army and how he was in Afghanistan for two years. My friend and his army buddies (who had actually been there and lost comrades) saw right through it. They started asking questions. Basically, the guy's life depended on how he answered these questions. Finally, when he confessed to being totally full of shit, his life was spared.
He also told me that a lot of people fake being in the army when out on Remembrance Day. Keep in mind, this is amongst hoardes of guys in uniform. Are these fakers completely mental? That's like some dope off the street trying to scrub in for surgery. Guaranteed, he's not going to be able to pull that off for long.
I told my friend that I noticed another time of year a when lots of people pretend to be soldiers... Halloween. What a bunch of nutbars with their fake cammy outfits and fake guns. Hey, we can see right through you, mothafockas.
He also told me that a lot of people fake being in the army when out on Remembrance Day. Keep in mind, this is amongst hoardes of guys in uniform. Are these fakers completely mental? That's like some dope off the street trying to scrub in for surgery. Guaranteed, he's not going to be able to pull that off for long.
I told my friend that I noticed another time of year a when lots of people pretend to be soldiers... Halloween. What a bunch of nutbars with their fake cammy outfits and fake guns. Hey, we can see right through you, mothafockas.
Sunday, October 07, 2007
Disturbed by Disturbia?
I don't watch horror movies. This is because I hate having nightmares. And the two usually go together.
Tonight my folks were watching the movie Disturbia. At the start, there was a 14A rating with a warning. Parents were strongly cautioned about their children watching it. I looked over, my parents did nothing. It said something about scenes of extreme violence. Still, they did nothing. So I watched it. It wasn't that scary... Maybe a little tense at times.
Now the parents have gone to bed. I'm alone. And I'm not scared. It's just a heightened sense of awareness. That's all it is really. I notice every sound or slight change in the lighting. Actually, simply realizing that I'm sitting here alone in the middle of the night, in the dark and anything could be out there peering from the darkness into the windows watching me... sends a sense of panic through me.
N-n-nnnopp-pp-pe. N-n-n-ooooott s-s-scaarred.
ps. If I don't post a blog within 48 hours... then I dunno. I loved you all. Good-Bye.
Tonight my folks were watching the movie Disturbia. At the start, there was a 14A rating with a warning. Parents were strongly cautioned about their children watching it. I looked over, my parents did nothing. It said something about scenes of extreme violence. Still, they did nothing. So I watched it. It wasn't that scary... Maybe a little tense at times.
Now the parents have gone to bed. I'm alone. And I'm not scared. It's just a heightened sense of awareness. That's all it is really. I notice every sound or slight change in the lighting. Actually, simply realizing that I'm sitting here alone in the middle of the night, in the dark and anything could be out there peering from the darkness into the windows watching me... sends a sense of panic through me.
N-n-nnnopp-pp-pe. N-n-n-ooooott s-s-scaarred.
ps. If I don't post a blog within 48 hours... then I dunno. I loved you all. Good-Bye.
Thursday, October 04, 2007
Bedtime
My sister gave me some fleece sheets for my birthday. Yep, they're FLEECE.
Yet I still avoid going to bed for some reason. But at least when I do, it's like crawling into a GIANT COTTON BALL. Aahhh YES.
In fact, it's not cotton at all. It's polyethylene terephthalate. (Say that once really fast.) Doesn't it sound scrumptiously comfy! Hmm, not particularly.
According to Wikipedia, polar fleece is "soft, very comfortable to wear... extremely warm even with a relatively thin layer of material." Alternatively, it also says that "users have a tendency to sweat in fleece, as it is an artificial fibre... It tends to generate very high static electricity charges."
Hmm. I'm wondering when this will occur. Hasn't yet.
So how am I not sweating when the fabric is considered "extremely warm"? And what happens when you're sitting in a pool of perspiration and move and a bolt of static shoots from the sheets? Does sweat conduct electricity cuz I'm starting to get a bit worried here.
I'm also thinking I'd better not move in those sheets and fart at the same time. Unless of course they've been treated with some fire retardant material. In which case I'm going to be dead soon anyways as that stuff is mega-toxic!
Oh geez, now I have a good reason to avoid going to bed!
Well, shite. I MUST get some sleep. Alright, I'm off to the "cotton" ball now. Gotta try real hard not to sweat, move, fart or breathe... or at least, not all at once. Could happen.
Yet I still avoid going to bed for some reason. But at least when I do, it's like crawling into a GIANT COTTON BALL. Aahhh YES.
In fact, it's not cotton at all. It's polyethylene terephthalate. (Say that once really fast.) Doesn't it sound scrumptiously comfy! Hmm, not particularly.
According to Wikipedia, polar fleece is "soft, very comfortable to wear... extremely warm even with a relatively thin layer of material." Alternatively, it also says that "users have a tendency to sweat in fleece, as it is an artificial fibre... It tends to generate very high static electricity charges."
Hmm. I'm wondering when this will occur. Hasn't yet.
So how am I not sweating when the fabric is considered "extremely warm"? And what happens when you're sitting in a pool of perspiration and move and a bolt of static shoots from the sheets? Does sweat conduct electricity cuz I'm starting to get a bit worried here.
I'm also thinking I'd better not move in those sheets and fart at the same time. Unless of course they've been treated with some fire retardant material. In which case I'm going to be dead soon anyways as that stuff is mega-toxic!
Oh geez, now I have a good reason to avoid going to bed!
Well, shite. I MUST get some sleep. Alright, I'm off to the "cotton" ball now. Gotta try real hard not to sweat, move, fart or breathe... or at least, not all at once. Could happen.
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
Link: "Tom Cruise is allegedly planning to build a $10 million bunker underneath in preparation for the end of the world."
People who have gone mental always seem to do this.
That's why it would be tough if I actually did get a message from God telling me to build a bunker in order to eventually hide from invading aliens. At that point I certainly couldn't blame anyone for committing me. Hmm, maybe aliens avoid people in mental hospitals. I could only hope at that point.
I hope the folks in outer space don't read celebrity gossip on the internet. Does wireless go out that far? Anyways, if so, the article totally busts Tom on the whereabouts of his hideout! And I think if aliens have mastered space travel, they should be able to penetrate a man-made fortress as well.
Oh well. All the power to ya Tom.
That's why it would be tough if I actually did get a message from God telling me to build a bunker in order to eventually hide from invading aliens. At that point I certainly couldn't blame anyone for committing me. Hmm, maybe aliens avoid people in mental hospitals. I could only hope at that point.
I hope the folks in outer space don't read celebrity gossip on the internet. Does wireless go out that far? Anyways, if so, the article totally busts Tom on the whereabouts of his hideout! And I think if aliens have mastered space travel, they should be able to penetrate a man-made fortress as well.
Oh well. All the power to ya Tom.
Monday, October 01, 2007
When NOT to laugh
We all know that laughter is the best medicine, but there are times when it may actually be bad for your health. This post was inspired by a recent conversation about this very topic. We were chatting about bad times to get the giggles... My friend said- at funerals and the movie The Passion of the Christ.
True dat.
To add to that list, you should never laugh, get the giggles (or even smirk sometimes) under the following circumstances:
When drinking any type of fluid (particularly at a formal dinner).
When robbing a bank (or making serious threats of any kind).
During an academic seminar when a French person pronounces the word "focus" - "fuckus".
While being reprimanded/interrogated by an authority figure (whether it be your parents as a kid, the police or especially while being questioned by border guards).
During a break up... or if you're firing someone (laughing during any type of rejection just adds insult to injury).
When you have to go pee really badly (or worse, if you have severe diarhea).
When you're hiding in a closet (i.e. during an intense game of hide and seek, ninja attack, alien invasion, while your rommate has sex, etc.)
If ever on trial for murder (particularly if you're on the stand being cross examined. However, it may be ok if it's a well-placed OMG-that's-completely-&-utterly-preposterous type of chortle).
After someone else rips a loud fart in public. (Try 'splaining yourself outta that one.)
When a very old or handicapped person falls. ('Nuff said.) And yeah, even if they aren't hurt.
At mentally retarded people, under any circumstance (even if they are trying to be funny.)
Alternatively, at people pretending to be retarded. (That's just not cool).
During sex. (Worse, is the first time you see him naked...) Don't do it, it could scar your sex life for years to come, if not for a lifetime (for him). (Comment by Jen- But if there's a weird noise or something, it's worse to get silent and awkward about it... and sex IS kinda funny!) True dat Jensies, true dat.
That's it. I'm tapped out. Anyone have any other suggestions?
True dat.
To add to that list, you should never laugh, get the giggles (or even smirk sometimes) under the following circumstances:
When drinking any type of fluid (particularly at a formal dinner).
When robbing a bank (or making serious threats of any kind).
During an academic seminar when a French person pronounces the word "focus" - "fuckus".
While being reprimanded/interrogated by an authority figure (whether it be your parents as a kid, the police or especially while being questioned by border guards).
During a break up... or if you're firing someone (laughing during any type of rejection just adds insult to injury).
When you have to go pee really badly (or worse, if you have severe diarhea).
When you're hiding in a closet (i.e. during an intense game of hide and seek, ninja attack, alien invasion, while your rommate has sex, etc.)
If ever on trial for murder (particularly if you're on the stand being cross examined. However, it may be ok if it's a well-placed OMG-that's-completely-&-utterly-preposterous type of chortle).
After someone else rips a loud fart in public. (Try 'splaining yourself outta that one.)
When a very old or handicapped person falls. ('Nuff said.) And yeah, even if they aren't hurt.
At mentally retarded people, under any circumstance (even if they are trying to be funny.)
Alternatively, at people pretending to be retarded. (That's just not cool).
During sex. (Worse, is the first time you see him naked...) Don't do it, it could scar your sex life for years to come, if not for a lifetime (for him). (Comment by Jen- But if there's a weird noise or something, it's worse to get silent and awkward about it... and sex IS kinda funny!) True dat Jensies, true dat.
That's it. I'm tapped out. Anyone have any other suggestions?
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Songwriter? Check.
I wrote a song this morning. It's called "My Little Monkey." I sang it to my cats.
After all, it was written for them.
I dunno, but early reaction would indicate that it's a hit.
After all, it was written for them.
I dunno, but early reaction would indicate that it's a hit.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Wiseasses crack me up
Recently I re-read an old wisecrack section in my blog. It's from the 20 Questions post. Anyways, it re-cracked me up so I'm posting it today. Enjoy the bizarreness.
Anonymous said...
I've read a few posts and have a few questions about you.you are 36 and a student? have you changed careers, spent time traveling, prison? just curiouswhat do you want to be when you grow up?36 and single, marriage, children, how do you feel about these - have you thought of freezing eggs for future use?why the strange fascination with bathroom issues? were you raised in a family of boys?
12:26 PM
Procrastinatrix said...
Mich and I met in prison, where we were detained for 10 years and she was my "bitch". She was taught all about bathroom issues there where she also volunteered to have her eggs frozen for future use. During her prison time, where she was serving a sentence for "being too cute", she also received an undergraduate degree in nutrition, since the food sucked at the prison. Following her release (since after 10 years, she ain't so cute no more) her present supervisor thought she knew so much stuff about bathroom issues that she would be PERFECT for a PhD candidate in nutrition. You eat it, eventually you have to poop it. Mich was destined to be living on a hudderite commune in southern Alberta, but she decided that the pregnant and barefoot life was not for her. Plus, those hudderite outfits get caught up in your mouth when you are drinking Gin and sevens at the bar. I think we should be proud of Mich, for overcoming of life of Hudderitism, and prison! She has truly grown into the person I know and love today. (and soon she will be Mich, PhD)
12:55 PM
michie said...
First of all, how the F did it get out that I DID TIME??? Geez, there’s no privacy anymore! Secondly, I’m all for marriage if you can find me a fricken SAINT (he has to be DAMN HOT too, and usually the 2 are mutually exclusive. Oh yeah, and he also has to like me back). Anyways, why would I want to buy the pig when I can get the pork for free!?!?! Thirdly, KIDS? Those little rugrats would tear apart the world as I know it. It’s almost impossible to have kids and be intensely self-absorbed at the same time (although I’m sure it’s been done). I’d also have to make a choice, gin… kids… gin… kids… that’s a tough one because obviously I like both. Plus, I’d have to be, yikes, RESPONSIBLE. Now, that answers the question about growing up; I just never intend to. And this explains my continuous seepage of vulgar bathroom humour, because as long as I never grow up I can be a total juvenile ass. Case in point.Well folks, this has been another edition of “Mich sucks and here’s why”… stay tuned for the 3 part series, where investigative reporters delve deeeep into these questions and more:
She’s kinda purdy so why is she alone?
How can a person who has so much going for them be such an incredible fuck-up?
Why does Mich insist on pole vaulting over the classy line EVERY TIME?
Is there a secret ingredient in Gin that actually makes her life worth living?
Why do so many Hutterite children strongly resemble Mich?
And finally, if the Hutterite story proves to be bunk, the logical question is: Why is Mich not selling her eggs on E-bay so that at least others can bear her children?
2:10 PM
Bealer said...
Lemme guess, anonymous...you are a 42 year old virgin living in your mother's basement and wishing you had someone to play Dungeons and Dragons with since you killed your cute little bunny rabbit. I wonder what your fascination is with a 36 yr old ex-con, almost PhD hotty? No, she does not moonlight as a dominatrix and she did not go by "Dungeon Lord" in prison. My curiosity is, what do you want to be when you grow up? Lenny, Kenny or Spenny?
2:21 PM
bealer said...
Mich - I found the smelly poo blob!oh no, wait. Nevermind.
2:24 PM
[haha yeah... this is in reference to a poo/grass/gum/mud blob she had on her shoe. When she tried to flick it off, it went flying and landed somewhere in the kitchen at work, but she couldn't find it.]
Procrastinatrix said...
okay, i have one question for anonymous. Why are you wondering if Mich is interested in freezing her eggs? Is it because you are 15 and are hoping in ten years she would be willing to bear your children? You must know she likes the young'uns.
6:06 PM
michie said...
Well anonymous, thanks for the perfect fodder for a long conversation which didn't say much of anything. It was fun though. I fear that we've now succeeded in scaring away any possible future commenters on my blog. Oopsie daisy. I think my friends assumed that 'anonymous' was male, and hence, potentially creepy. I can see it just being a curious female who isn't quite sure why a chick such as myself would still be in school, not making babies, the whole while telling a multitude of fart jokes. I recognize my unconventional nature and celebrate it here. That's all.
2:41 PM
Anonymous said...
Wow, I was right about prison, it was a toss up between that, lapsed nun, coma girl or weird circus story. Can't believe I got it right.Not male, not 42 or 15. 30ish mother, and there are days I wished I would have chosen the gin instead.As for the frozen eggs, I have a friend my age whose wealthy aunt has offered to do this for her (her own eggs, not her aunts), and I have heard of other like stories as well, guess it's hedging your bets.No harm intended, just figured you were witty and had to have some stories about how you got to where you are now.Congrats on the almost phd.
2:52 PM
michie said...
Cool enough anonymous... Uh, I left out the Circus stories, because they were just too weird for this blog and I worry what people will think of me. Either way, I don't regret the, ahem, monkey episode. That one will die with me. Unless of course, I get into the Gin one night and do the fatal mistake of drinking and blogging.
10:15 AM
Procrastinatrix said...
I am glad to know its not creepy stalker. Strange questions overall, but me calling something strange is fairly relative. ;)
1:21 PM
Anonymous said...
I've read a few posts and have a few questions about you.you are 36 and a student? have you changed careers, spent time traveling, prison? just curiouswhat do you want to be when you grow up?36 and single, marriage, children, how do you feel about these - have you thought of freezing eggs for future use?why the strange fascination with bathroom issues? were you raised in a family of boys?
12:26 PM
Procrastinatrix said...
Mich and I met in prison, where we were detained for 10 years and she was my "bitch". She was taught all about bathroom issues there where she also volunteered to have her eggs frozen for future use. During her prison time, where she was serving a sentence for "being too cute", she also received an undergraduate degree in nutrition, since the food sucked at the prison. Following her release (since after 10 years, she ain't so cute no more) her present supervisor thought she knew so much stuff about bathroom issues that she would be PERFECT for a PhD candidate in nutrition. You eat it, eventually you have to poop it. Mich was destined to be living on a hudderite commune in southern Alberta, but she decided that the pregnant and barefoot life was not for her. Plus, those hudderite outfits get caught up in your mouth when you are drinking Gin and sevens at the bar. I think we should be proud of Mich, for overcoming of life of Hudderitism, and prison! She has truly grown into the person I know and love today. (and soon she will be Mich, PhD)
12:55 PM
michie said...
First of all, how the F did it get out that I DID TIME??? Geez, there’s no privacy anymore! Secondly, I’m all for marriage if you can find me a fricken SAINT (he has to be DAMN HOT too, and usually the 2 are mutually exclusive. Oh yeah, and he also has to like me back). Anyways, why would I want to buy the pig when I can get the pork for free!?!?! Thirdly, KIDS? Those little rugrats would tear apart the world as I know it. It’s almost impossible to have kids and be intensely self-absorbed at the same time (although I’m sure it’s been done). I’d also have to make a choice, gin… kids… gin… kids… that’s a tough one because obviously I like both. Plus, I’d have to be, yikes, RESPONSIBLE. Now, that answers the question about growing up; I just never intend to. And this explains my continuous seepage of vulgar bathroom humour, because as long as I never grow up I can be a total juvenile ass. Case in point.Well folks, this has been another edition of “Mich sucks and here’s why”… stay tuned for the 3 part series, where investigative reporters delve deeeep into these questions and more:
She’s kinda purdy so why is she alone?
How can a person who has so much going for them be such an incredible fuck-up?
Why does Mich insist on pole vaulting over the classy line EVERY TIME?
Is there a secret ingredient in Gin that actually makes her life worth living?
Why do so many Hutterite children strongly resemble Mich?
And finally, if the Hutterite story proves to be bunk, the logical question is: Why is Mich not selling her eggs on E-bay so that at least others can bear her children?
2:10 PM
Bealer said...
Lemme guess, anonymous...you are a 42 year old virgin living in your mother's basement and wishing you had someone to play Dungeons and Dragons with since you killed your cute little bunny rabbit. I wonder what your fascination is with a 36 yr old ex-con, almost PhD hotty? No, she does not moonlight as a dominatrix and she did not go by "Dungeon Lord" in prison. My curiosity is, what do you want to be when you grow up? Lenny, Kenny or Spenny?
2:21 PM
bealer said...
Mich - I found the smelly poo blob!oh no, wait. Nevermind.
2:24 PM
[haha yeah... this is in reference to a poo/grass/gum/mud blob she had on her shoe. When she tried to flick it off, it went flying and landed somewhere in the kitchen at work, but she couldn't find it.]
Procrastinatrix said...
okay, i have one question for anonymous. Why are you wondering if Mich is interested in freezing her eggs? Is it because you are 15 and are hoping in ten years she would be willing to bear your children? You must know she likes the young'uns.
6:06 PM
michie said...
Well anonymous, thanks for the perfect fodder for a long conversation which didn't say much of anything. It was fun though. I fear that we've now succeeded in scaring away any possible future commenters on my blog. Oopsie daisy. I think my friends assumed that 'anonymous' was male, and hence, potentially creepy. I can see it just being a curious female who isn't quite sure why a chick such as myself would still be in school, not making babies, the whole while telling a multitude of fart jokes. I recognize my unconventional nature and celebrate it here. That's all.
2:41 PM
Anonymous said...
Wow, I was right about prison, it was a toss up between that, lapsed nun, coma girl or weird circus story. Can't believe I got it right.Not male, not 42 or 15. 30ish mother, and there are days I wished I would have chosen the gin instead.As for the frozen eggs, I have a friend my age whose wealthy aunt has offered to do this for her (her own eggs, not her aunts), and I have heard of other like stories as well, guess it's hedging your bets.No harm intended, just figured you were witty and had to have some stories about how you got to where you are now.Congrats on the almost phd.
2:52 PM
michie said...
Cool enough anonymous... Uh, I left out the Circus stories, because they were just too weird for this blog and I worry what people will think of me. Either way, I don't regret the, ahem, monkey episode. That one will die with me. Unless of course, I get into the Gin one night and do the fatal mistake of drinking and blogging.
10:15 AM
Procrastinatrix said...
I am glad to know its not creepy stalker. Strange questions overall, but me calling something strange is fairly relative. ;)
1:21 PM
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Why? We just want to know WHY...
Jerry Seinfeld once said, "I think when you first start dating, they ought to give you 3 ‘Get out of Relationship Free’ cards so you can just go up to the person and say, 'Uh, here you go. I’m sorry. I’ll grab my tennis racquet. Don’t get up. Best of luck…'"
A while ago, a guy I was dating decided he didn't want to date me anymore. Ouch. He must've thought he had a stash of "Get Out Of Relationship Free" cards because he gave me absolutely no explanation. When I asked WHY, his exact words were (and I can quote him because he broke it off by email... sheesh): "Sorry but that's one question I won't answer...just because of past experiences I've learned some things are better left unsaid."
It would be really handy in life to get away with that answer.
You: Doc, why do I have raging diarhea?
Doc: Sorry but that's one question I won't answer...just because of past experiences I've learned some things are better left unsaid.
Woman: How many sex partners have you had?
Man: Sorry but that's one question I won't answer...just because of past experiences I've learned some things are better left unsaid.
Woman: Have you ever had a one night stand?
Man: Sorry but that's one question I won't answer...just because of past experiences I've learned some things are better left unsaid.
Woman: Have you ever had sex with my sister?
Man: Sorry but that's one question I won't answer...just because of past experiences I've learned some things are better left unsaid.
Woman: How about a donkey?
Man: Sorry but that's one question I won't answer...just because of past experiences I've learned some things are better left unsaid.
Woman: Have you ever had an STD?
Man: Sorry but that's one question I won't answer...just because of past experiences I've learned some things are better left unsaid.
Woman: Do you have an STD infection right now?
Man: Sorry but that's one question I won't answer...just because of past experiences I've learned some things are better left unsaid.
Woman: Do you wanna have sex right now?
Man: YES!
Woman: Do you have a condom?
Man: Sorry but that's one question I won't answer...just because of past experiences I've learned some things are better left unsaid.
Ok, so I know guys avoid being honest so they can dodge all sense of responsibility... and possible waterworks. But if us women aren't given any reason, we make up all sorts of stuff in our heads. Maybe my breath smelled or he thought it was weird how I rambled on about poo or he saw my butt in those bad jeans which I can never ever wear again or he misunderstood what I said about hurting kittens...
Blah blah blah. Guess I'll never know.
A while ago, a guy I was dating decided he didn't want to date me anymore. Ouch. He must've thought he had a stash of "Get Out Of Relationship Free" cards because he gave me absolutely no explanation. When I asked WHY, his exact words were (and I can quote him because he broke it off by email... sheesh): "Sorry but that's one question I won't answer...just because of past experiences I've learned some things are better left unsaid."
It would be really handy in life to get away with that answer.
Boss: Why are you late for work?
You: Sorry but that's one question I won't answer...just because of past experiences I've learned some things are better left unsaid.
You: Doc, why do I have raging diarhea?
Doc: Sorry but that's one question I won't answer...just because of past experiences I've learned some things are better left unsaid.
Woman: How many sex partners have you had?
Man: Sorry but that's one question I won't answer...just because of past experiences I've learned some things are better left unsaid.
Woman: Have you ever had a one night stand?
Man: Sorry but that's one question I won't answer...just because of past experiences I've learned some things are better left unsaid.
Woman: Have you ever had sex with my sister?
Man: Sorry but that's one question I won't answer...just because of past experiences I've learned some things are better left unsaid.
Woman: How about a donkey?
Man: Sorry but that's one question I won't answer...just because of past experiences I've learned some things are better left unsaid.
Woman: Have you ever had an STD?
Man: Sorry but that's one question I won't answer...just because of past experiences I've learned some things are better left unsaid.
Woman: Do you have an STD infection right now?
Man: Sorry but that's one question I won't answer...just because of past experiences I've learned some things are better left unsaid.
Woman: Do you wanna have sex right now?
Man: YES!
Woman: Do you have a condom?
Man: Sorry but that's one question I won't answer...just because of past experiences I've learned some things are better left unsaid.
Ok, so I know guys avoid being honest so they can dodge all sense of responsibility... and possible waterworks. But if us women aren't given any reason, we make up all sorts of stuff in our heads. Maybe my breath smelled or he thought it was weird how I rambled on about poo or he saw my butt in those bad jeans which I can never ever wear again or he misunderstood what I said about hurting kittens...
Blah blah blah. Guess I'll never know.
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Ramblings from a messy desk... and even messier head
Optimism.
The other day I told someone that my brain was half empty. But I'm an optimist, so I like to think of of my brain as half full...
Dating.
I always forget the meaning of 'later' as in when a guys says, "call you later". In girlspeak, it means "later TODAY"... in boyspeak it could mean 'later today' (not likely), 'later this week' or even 'later, in our next life'.
Pedestrians.
Why are they so stunned? Could they walk any slower across the street while everyone WAITS? Some of them even run to get to the crosswalk and then revert to slow-mo as they cross. The music playing in my car even slows down as I wait. Sometimes I clean my car, make a few phone calls and paint my nails while they cross. People, snap out of it!
Cars.
Well, I totalled my car for the umpteenth time. Yeah, that's right: umpteenth. My little Honda gave in like it was made of tin foil. Oh yeah, I think it might be. The guy who hit it was Asian, 82 years old and didn't speak English. His car (the torpedo/tank) was unharmed during the incident. Freakin indestructible. Methinks my next car should be a 1995 Volvo.
Vitamin C.
I love vitamin C pills. Chalk full of fake orange goodness. Yum. Hmm, maybe that's why my dentist asked why there was no more enamel on my molars...
Nectarines.
Why do I always get suckered into buying them at the grocery store? Every effen year. Somehow they go straight from rock hard to rotten. Every effen time. Slow learner.
Ice Cream.
I figured out why my Dad has ice cream left in the freezer from when I visited two weeks ago. This had me puzzled. The trick? Keep the freezer so cold that it's literally impossible to scoop more than half a centimetre of ice cream out at a time. Pretty soon you give up. And then try to straighten out the spoon handle.
Quote of the Day.
"I'm trying to turn down the suck in my life, and turn up the awesome." - Jensies
Optimism, again, sorta.
And if at first you don't succeed, keep tryin' (to turn down the suck). Someone please tell me, where's the freakin' knob already???
The other day I told someone that my brain was half empty. But I'm an optimist, so I like to think of of my brain as half full...
Dating.
I always forget the meaning of 'later' as in when a guys says, "call you later". In girlspeak, it means "later TODAY"... in boyspeak it could mean 'later today' (not likely), 'later this week' or even 'later, in our next life'.
Pedestrians.
Why are they so stunned? Could they walk any slower across the street while everyone WAITS? Some of them even run to get to the crosswalk and then revert to slow-mo as they cross. The music playing in my car even slows down as I wait. Sometimes I clean my car, make a few phone calls and paint my nails while they cross. People, snap out of it!
Cars.
Well, I totalled my car for the umpteenth time. Yeah, that's right: umpteenth. My little Honda gave in like it was made of tin foil. Oh yeah, I think it might be. The guy who hit it was Asian, 82 years old and didn't speak English. His car (the torpedo/tank) was unharmed during the incident. Freakin indestructible. Methinks my next car should be a 1995 Volvo.
Vitamin C.
I love vitamin C pills. Chalk full of fake orange goodness. Yum. Hmm, maybe that's why my dentist asked why there was no more enamel on my molars...
Nectarines.
Why do I always get suckered into buying them at the grocery store? Every effen year. Somehow they go straight from rock hard to rotten. Every effen time. Slow learner.
Ice Cream.
I figured out why my Dad has ice cream left in the freezer from when I visited two weeks ago. This had me puzzled. The trick? Keep the freezer so cold that it's literally impossible to scoop more than half a centimetre of ice cream out at a time. Pretty soon you give up. And then try to straighten out the spoon handle.
Quote of the Day.
"I'm trying to turn down the suck in my life, and turn up the awesome." - Jensies
Optimism, again, sorta.
And if at first you don't succeed, keep tryin' (to turn down the suck). Someone please tell me, where's the freakin' knob already???
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Monday, September 17, 2007
The plan
I recently gave feedback on a grant proposal. The Professor who had asked me for input works at another University in another town. The response?
"You are a gifted writer! Excellent sugggestions for change... You have a very bright future ahead of you in academics."
I've been thinking about doing a post doc in their lab. At least, that's the plan.
When do I tell everyone my real plan? That is-- moving to the caribean, sitting in front of my laptop on the beach, sipping my coffee (or mojitos after 4pm) and writing drivel all day? (In between swims in the ocean and naps in the hammock.) Ahhhhhhhhh yes. It even felt good to write that.
"You are a gifted writer! Excellent sugggestions for change... You have a very bright future ahead of you in academics."
I've been thinking about doing a post doc in their lab. At least, that's the plan.
When do I tell everyone my real plan? That is-- moving to the caribean, sitting in front of my laptop on the beach, sipping my coffee (or mojitos after 4pm) and writing drivel all day? (In between swims in the ocean and naps in the hammock.) Ahhhhhhhhh yes. It even felt good to write that.
Friday, September 14, 2007
You (heart) you!
Why do a lot of couples look alike? Do you love the way you look sooo much that you'd 'do' the opposite sex version of yourself? Wow, that's some self-lovin' taken to a whole other level.
Many people say they're looking for the female/male version of themselves. Same interests? Same personality? You'd want that? I don't get it. I mean, I like myself enough but hanging with me all the time would drive me nuts! Sure, we'd laugh double hard at our own jokes... But all of my bad habits, they'd be double annoying! Intellectual conversations? We'd always be agreeing. That's no fun! The potential for procrastination would be bloody scary. And well, the relationship would probably never even get off the ground in the first place because both of us would be too timid to make the first move! Krike.
The point is that you're with yourself 24/7, why not hang out with someone different?
Some people must love the hell outta themselves.
Many people say they're looking for the female/male version of themselves. Same interests? Same personality? You'd want that? I don't get it. I mean, I like myself enough but hanging with me all the time would drive me nuts! Sure, we'd laugh double hard at our own jokes... But all of my bad habits, they'd be double annoying! Intellectual conversations? We'd always be agreeing. That's no fun! The potential for procrastination would be bloody scary. And well, the relationship would probably never even get off the ground in the first place because both of us would be too timid to make the first move! Krike.
The point is that you're with yourself 24/7, why not hang out with someone different?
Some people must love the hell outta themselves.
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Balls... ?
This is just weird (really, what on this blog could pass as non-weird) but I've had a song in my head all morning. Not sure if you'd know the tune, but the lyrics go:
Do your balls hang low
Do you swing them to and fro
Can you tie them in a knot
Can you tie them in a bow
There are several problems with this scenario. They are, as I see it, four fold:
1) My sanity, but beyond that...
2) Those are all the words I know. So those same stupid lyrics spin around in my brain like a broken record. Krike.
3) It also makes one start to ponder; how low can they go? Do they swing to and fro? Could you tie them in a knot, could you tie them in a bow? Could you? I bet some can. I mean, if there are penis controtionists like the Puppetry of the Penis guys, there must be ball sack deformists as well. It only stands to reason.
4) When lyrics are in your head, you just want to sing them out loud. It seems the only way to purge. These ones? No purging was done on campus this morning. In fact, I can't seem to utter these ones out loud. At all.
Alas, my mind wanders back to... Could you tie them in a knot?
Hmmm. I actually don't enjoy thinking about balls this much. I'd better listen to some Sound of Music and get the balls outta my head... I've got big balls... Get your balls to the wall... Chocolate salty balls... UGH.
Do your balls hang low
Do you swing them to and fro
Can you tie them in a knot
Can you tie them in a bow
There are several problems with this scenario. They are, as I see it, four fold:
1) My sanity, but beyond that...
2) Those are all the words I know. So those same stupid lyrics spin around in my brain like a broken record. Krike.
3) It also makes one start to ponder; how low can they go? Do they swing to and fro? Could you tie them in a knot, could you tie them in a bow? Could you? I bet some can. I mean, if there are penis controtionists like the Puppetry of the Penis guys, there must be ball sack deformists as well. It only stands to reason.
4) When lyrics are in your head, you just want to sing them out loud. It seems the only way to purge. These ones? No purging was done on campus this morning. In fact, I can't seem to utter these ones out loud. At all.
Alas, my mind wanders back to... Could you tie them in a knot?
Hmmm. I actually don't enjoy thinking about balls this much. I'd better listen to some Sound of Music and get the balls outta my head... I've got big balls... Get your balls to the wall... Chocolate salty balls... UGH.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
The Female Cycle
Click image to enlarge.
I thought this diagram may help some of the men out there. If you know when menstruation is, then you can figure out when your chances are best for gettin' some and when you should just give up and buy her chocolate!
Of course, it varies somewhat from woman to woman, so use this guide at your own risk...
Note: The reference to Brad Pitt in no way infers that you need to look like Brad Pitt to have a shot at tappin' that during this "amorous" period in her cycle. However, if you're going to test this theory, a little alcohol may greatly improve your odds.
Warning: Further to the statement of using this guide at your own risk, it should be reiterated that if she's drunk and ovulating, your odds of being called "Daddy" in the near future also increases substantially.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Miracles happen, they can't always be explained...
I saw this on the wall outside a guy's office. Got a chuckle. Oh how I can relate!
Monday, September 10, 2007
Coffee Abstainer? What the?
Why are coffee drinkers so incredibly shocked when people tell them they don't drink it?
The jaw drops to the floor and the question inevitably follows- "You WHAT? You don't... Y-Y-Y-YOU DON'T DRINK COFFEE????" It's almost like they were just told that someone doesn't brush their teeth... or even breathe. Of course this groundbreaking discovery usually comes in the middle of a coffeeshop where you uh, invited the person to for a, ahem, coffee...
Then follows a barrage of questions.
You don't drink ANY coffee, like ever?
Not even iced coffee?
WHY NOT?
What do you do? Like, in the morning... Uh, how do you... ?
Mass confusion ensues. It blows their mind. (It's almost but not quite as profound as when someone says they don't drink.) Why? Well, because coffee is a double whammy of goodness. It's a yummy and effective drug delivery system. Pretty damn ideal folks. Mmmmm cooffeeeee. I'm slurpin' one down at this very moment.
I'll have to reread this and make corrections after the caffeine hits.
The jaw drops to the floor and the question inevitably follows- "You WHAT? You don't... Y-Y-Y-YOU DON'T DRINK COFFEE????" It's almost like they were just told that someone doesn't brush their teeth... or even breathe. Of course this groundbreaking discovery usually comes in the middle of a coffeeshop where you uh, invited the person to for a, ahem, coffee...
Then follows a barrage of questions.
You don't drink ANY coffee, like ever?
Not even iced coffee?
WHY NOT?
What do you do? Like, in the morning... Uh, how do you... ?
Mass confusion ensues. It blows their mind. (It's almost but not quite as profound as when someone says they don't drink.) Why? Well, because coffee is a double whammy of goodness. It's a yummy and effective drug delivery system. Pretty damn ideal folks. Mmmmm cooffeeeee. I'm slurpin' one down at this very moment.
I'll have to reread this and make corrections after the caffeine hits.
Sunday, September 09, 2007
Chasing Rainbows
I had to get off the phone with my sister yesterday in a hurry-- there was a wicked rainbow outside my window!!! By the time I grabbed my camera and went outside, it was gone. Then the sun peeked through again and there it was... SPLENDOUR. I love rainbows and I'm always taking photos of them. I'm not sure what it is about Edmonton, but I've never seen so many rainbows in my life. It has to do with the fact that the rain usually moves through in the evening and then clears out, as it clears out the sun creates a rainbow.
I like this photo a lot. The light caught this lady at just the right instant. Lucky. I have a photo from a few seconds later, she's in shadow and it doesn't work quite as well.
I like this photo a lot. The light caught this lady at just the right instant. Lucky. I have a photo from a few seconds later, she's in shadow and it doesn't work quite as well.
Now, back to work for me. Chasing rainbows... The storm is just starting to clear out, and I'm hoping Roy G. Biv shows up here by next spring!
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