Writing by Google

I don't think I could be a standup comic. This is partly because sometimes I'm not very quick-witted, especially in front of potentially hardcore hecklers.

This is why I write. On a blog there may indeed be hecklers, but I can think a while on it.

Writing is very CONTRIVED. I can manipulate and massage the words so that they are as dull or as colourful as I want (or I can try).

Metaphors definitely add colour. A metaphor is "a figure of speech in which an expression is used to refer to something that it does not literally denote in order to suggest a similarity." Wait, what's the difference between a metaphor and an analogy? An analogy is a "similarity in some respects between things that are otherwise dissimilar." Oh geez, I'm confused. Ok so I'm no English whiz...

My point is this... one time I had to Roast this guy. I wrote my introduction somehwhat humourously so that my introducer could "warm up" the crowd for me. Here's what he said:

Our first speaker is one who keeps people on the edge of their seats. What happens is many of them doze off & slide forward. Tonight, Mich will be doing The Roast... and when she found out that there was actually a speech where one of the main goals was to "poke fun at a particular individual," she was all over it like _______________…

I got the first lines out of a Humorous Toasts/Roasts book. It was too classic to pass up. I couldn't think of anything for the last part. I always used to say, "She was all over it like a fat kid on a smartie." I wanted something original though. To get the creative juices flowing, I plugged "all over it like" into Google and checked out what came up. There were some pretty funny ones:

She was all over it like…

- Stink on a monkey

- White on rice

- A fat kid on a smartie

- A pitbull on a poodle

- Flies on shit

- Whipped topping on the Varsity Blues cheerleader

- Brown on a Philipino

- A hobo on a ham sammich

- A rash

- A horny housecat

- Ants at a picnic

- Ugly on an ape

Those aren’t bad. My penchant for monkeys makes that one extra funny. “Flies on shit” just wouldn’t fly with that crowd. Here were my creations:

She was all over it like…

- A pitbull on the postman (similar to the poodle but with a different twist)

- Shit on toilet paper

- Pricks on a porcupine

- Tattoos on a punk rocker

- Dimples on a golf ball

I ended up using "She was all over it like a pitbull on the postman!"

So if you ever need to fill in a blank, plug the first part of the phrase into Google and get the creative juices flowing! Of course you can always copy your findings, but sometimes just a kickstart is needed.

I wish there was an instant Google in my head. Googlehead. And a 'backspace' key. 'Delete' would be handy too, that is, if you could choose what to delete. Although I think someone presses a 'delete' key on my head once in a while when I'm not looking. Now where did I put my keys? Damn that delete!!!