Blog Break

Hey Folks! I'm off to a conference for a few days here and may not have access to the internet...

There will definitely be another post by this time next weekend!!!

Cheers.

michie

Stunt Girl Jeans

Hoofin’ it to school on Monday I totally tripped on the sidewalk. I went DOWN. It was almost exactly like how I’d bit it a couple of months ago, but that time was on ice. I had no excuse this time.

Curiously, I scraped my knee but my jeans remained intact.

The thing is that normally I freak about wiping out and potentially ruining my clothes. However, I actually wouldn’t have minded roughing up my jeans a little. You see, that’s the style nowadays. For some reason, people think ripped jeans are cool. They BUY them already ripped. So not only would I look cooler, but I’d have this kickass story to go with it.

Ok, so tripping on the sidewalk isn’t very kickass. It’s actually really embarrassing! Oh well, it was just a thought.

Way back when ripped jeans were in style before, it looked better. It appeared that you actually wore out your jeans. Nowadays it’s just random and looks like you dropped way too much cash on tacky-looking damaged goods. It’s like trying to “buy your cool.” Back in ‘94 I had an old pair of baggy men’s Levi’s that were ripped from true wear and tear. At the time I thought they were pretty rad, but there were a lot of styles in the early ‘90s that I thought looked great at the time. Haha, NOT.

I guess the latest cool thing is jeans that someone has used as target practice with a shotgun. They’re full of holes and the pattern of each is unique. Interesting…

Now, if you could make jeans look like you actually ruined them doing something cool then you’d have something worth wearing with pride. So I got a brainwave, wait for it… What about jeans that someone has worn taking a tumble and totally roughed up? Like, maybe if they did a few somersaults down a hill and into some rocks. Of course, I’d have to get the gravel and bloodstains out. Or maybe that would be cool too… Hmm, the ideas are just flowin’ here!!!

One problem, I’d be in a wheelchair before I made my first mill.

Wait, what about jeans that real stunt girls have worn? Forget dorky Mich and her clutzomania… These would be denim roughed up by chicks who kick serious ass on screen. Each fall would have it’s own unique tear pattern, plus the jeans would have a genuine history, all caught on film! You could brag, “Yeah these are the jeans that so and so wore when she fell out of that plane, landed on the train, got into a tussle with so and so for a bit, was drop-kicked between train cars, fell underneath and got run over several times before she dusted herself off and lived happily ever after.”

I’d call them Stunt Girl Jeans. It’s catchy. And cool.

Wait a second… In Stunt Girl Jeans you’d still be buying your cool. Hmm, maybe some people just have to buy it? As for me, I’m going to make some genuine cool in my jeans and try not to kill myself in the meantime. Hopefully there won’t be too many people laughing on the sidelines…

Puppetry of the Penis

So the other day I was talking about men’s dangling parts and how weird that would be.

You know what’s weirder? Genital Origami. Yes indeed… Puppetry of the Penis is coming to a city near you!!! This might be too bizarre to watch. Maybe I’ll go. After all, us girls don’t get to see dick every day (unless you live with one, hehe). So maybe this will be our chance!!! I’ve heard it’s pretty entertaining, though it would be tough to get more comical than male strippers.

Genital Origami eh? I probably won’t ever look at another Johnson the same way again after that.

And all you boys, if you’ve always wanted to be in show biz, you may want to try your hand, uh, I mean weenie at genital origami… They’re taking auditions!!!

That’s right, the show’s creators, Simon Morley and David Friend, hold regular auditions for new penis puppeteers…

Check it:
The demand for this outrageous show is such that Simon and Friendy are now in search of more like-minded gentleman who possess a unique combination of natural talent and a complete lack of shame to help satisfy the world's thirst for the show. The vision is to expand and franchise Puppetry of the Penis in a similar fashion to the world famous 'Tap Dogs' (who also hail from Australia) and 'STOMP'.The producer and artists are asking that penis puppeteers come to the auditions with a flexible working attitude and be ready to demonstrate their own genital installations. Puppetry of the Penis is an equal opportunity employer and will audition both circumcised and uncircumcised genital origami hopefuls. Bilingual practitioners of the art are also encouraged to attend.Email us your contact details.

Could you imagine? You'd have to be pretty hard up to quit your job to play with your pecker. And how do you tell people what you do for a living?

"What do you do?"
"Uh… I’m a penis puppeteer, uh practioner... err, I marionette my member..."

What would you put on your resume?

Too funny.

Also, who are the judges for these auditions? Can I be a judge? Please please! How can I qualify? Oh man, it would crack me up to see a steady stream of shaft contortionists.

So what if a guy hasn’t seen the show and wants to audition? How in the hell is he supposed to know what to do with his weewee? I’d like to see someone try puppeteering his penis without any kind of instruction. They do suggest that men be ready to demonstrate their own genital installations… Practice in the mirror boys!

The mental pictures. Guys already spend an inordinate amount of time with their tools... This would definitely be a LOT more jammin’ with junior.

Hmmm. I’m sure the auditions would range from the tallywacker-talented to the William Hung of schlong showoffs. William Hung! His name would suggest that he’s probably more suited to penis puppetry than pop music. And I love how they say equal opportunity employer. How does THAT work?

Maybe size doesn’t matter after all, it’s what you do with it that counts! I never thought that included PUPPETRY...

Officially Losin' It

Deneen is gone. I’m sad. The place is empty. And I have way too much time with my own thoughts right now.

I biked to school for most of the winter, and now my bike tire is flat and I’m riding the bus or walking. Ironic.

Yesterday on the bus this weird black-haired lady with an extreme mullet and black trench coat stared at me unflinchingly from behind her black sunglasses. C’mon, if you’re going to stare, at least make it look like you’re not looking. Fricken’ bizarre.

The other day on a local patio, I saw a guy with two pig-tails exactly how I wear them (or as my niece calls them: “mich-tails”).. Yes, it was a GUY. I always wondered if it was too little girly for me, let alone a GUY? Weird.

I NEVER thought I’d say this but I’m actually getting sick of chocolate. I’d rather just have sex instead right now if you can believe it. (Dad, you never read that. I’m joking of course!!! Uh, except for the chocolate part. And the sex part. Yeah.) Truthfully though, the chocolate consumption has been unfulfilling. The only thing it has been filling is the posterior of my pants. Krike.

Every time I touch anything on the bus, I think of the guy I saw picking his nose and flicking it that time. Ewww. I seriously came close to ralphing.

I keep running into this guy I know EVERYWHERE. It’s strange how you see some people all the time and others almost never. Coincidence? I used to argue that nothing is coincidence. But then I also wonder… if there are no coincidences, then WTF is going on?!?!?

I just saw that guy again just now in QUAD. I was going to go up and say hi, but at what point will he start to wonder if I’m stalking him? I don’t wanna be THAT girl.

I have to get a poster done for a conference in a few days. It’s not ready yet. My stress level is about to increase about 50 fold. If my blogs get progressively weirder (as if that’s possible) then you’ll know why.

My friend Rose is doing her competency exams right now. Her first essay is on helminth infection. Helminth, now that’s a weird word.

I heard that Franz Ferdinand took in a few brews at the Black Dog the day before their concert last night. Ah the good ol’ Dog. That’s where I did Jager shooters with Dexter from The Offspring way back when (thanks to my friend Lisa who worked there). He’s way nicer than he seems in the videos. He’s pretty fly for a white guy. Ok, I can’t believe I just used that line…

Summertime. Patios. The Black Dog patio is still the best for ducking out early on a hot sunny afternoon and taking in a brew, or two, or six. Oopsie daisy, there goes the next morning!

People continue to change my name to Mitch. I’m not mad or anything but it just astounds me. Whether it’s email, this blog or otherwise, people not only think I’m a guy, but they think I spell my own name wrong… ALL THE TIME. Ok then. Bring it. I can take it.

It’s 22 degrees today and I’m finally donning the flipflops. C’mon kids, it’s not practical to wear sandals at +12 (unless you're Nate and wear them year round with wool socks). I’ve seen chicks standing there in the cold in a skirt and sandals, shivering like a flasher at the Arctic Circle (hehe, thanks Google). Truly bizarre man.

Speaking of sandals, I used to be self-conscious about what type of sandal I wore due to the obscene length of my 2^nd and 3^rd toes (you know, the little piggy that stayed home and the one that ate roast beef). My brother always said that if I lost a finger I’d be ok. Anyways, now I don’t really care because I realized that there’s no such thing as NORMAL-looking when it comes to feet. They’re ALL bizarre-looking, period.

I did tequila shots for the first time in a long time on Saturday night on my friend’s 30^th birthday. I actually felt ok in the morning. Gin + tequila is my new combo. I think adding beer to that is when you start causing some serious internal combustion… so I shall avoid that. It’s just asking for T-R-O-U-B-L-E. Uh, not like gin + tequila doesn’t = Trouble. Hmmm… Reconsideration of my brain constipation situation (ok, so once in a while I pull out my Cajun man impersonation. Sorry.)

Funky Pickle pizza remains the best hangover buster ever. I’d quit it for a long time but had it again for the first time the other night. Oh how I love having things again for the first time. Uh, anyways this wasn’t the tequila night… This was the night of many beers. So I know the treatment is effective under those experimental conditions. It was also the night of me resisting that young hottie Delongo. I must be off my rocker. Or am I subconsciously on it, unbeknownst to me, rocking and knitting?

When I think about it, I still can't believe that Flo ate 18 chicken wings after the bar that time. No typo there... 18.

Who invented the double tap system? And who was the rocket scientist who said, HEY, I have an idea!!! Let’s put the two taps together and mix the hot and cold so we don’t BURN, FREEZE, BURN and FREEZE our hands trying to rinse the soap off! I burn my hands every fricken’ time.

Getting Smaller by NIN is my new fave song to bike to. Love it. Love the lyrics. Gets the blood pumpin’. Somehow my ass ain’t getting any smaller with all the biking. I know I’m really toned under the fat though. That’s gotta be worth sumthin.

I just found out that there are a couple of huge rock festivals going on in Europe when I’m there. I’ll be with my mom… Somehow I can’t see her rockin’ out to Tool or Metallica. Maybe she should let me dress her up as a punker. She couldn’t look much older at this thing than I do at Vans Warped Tour surrounded by 14 year olds.

Hmmm, talking about flipflops made me think of Flinflon for some reason. What is Flinflon? Is it a place? If so, I like the name. I like it a lot. I wish I lived there and my name started with ‘F’. Then I could say, “Hi, I’m Fiona Finkel from Flinflon.”

Why is “judgment” spelt without a ‘e’ but “acknowledgement” is spelt with an ‘e’? And I still don’t know if spelt is a word… I think it’s the past tense of spell, but then when do you say spelt and when do you say spelled?

I did a ‘to do list’ last night so I’d remember what I had to do today. I forgot the list at home this morning…

Now that Deneen is gone, I’ll probably dance around the apartment more. Burping really loud won’t get the desired reaction it does avec roomie though. Bummer. And it’s hard to play practical jokes on the cats. Although hiding around the corner and scaring them is still funny.

Yup, it's confirmed. I'm officially LOSIN' IT.

Writing by Google

I don't think I could be a standup comic. This is partly because sometimes I'm not very quick-witted, especially in front of potentially hardcore hecklers.

This is why I write. On a blog there may indeed be hecklers, but I can think a while on it.

Writing is very CONTRIVED. I can manipulate and massage the words so that they are as dull or as colourful as I want (or I can try).

Metaphors definitely add colour. A metaphor is "a figure of speech in which an expression is used to refer to something that it does not literally denote in order to suggest a similarity." Wait, what's the difference between a metaphor and an analogy? An analogy is a "similarity in some respects between things that are otherwise dissimilar." Oh geez, I'm confused. Ok so I'm no English whiz...

My point is this... one time I had to Roast this guy. I wrote my introduction somehwhat humourously so that my introducer could "warm up" the crowd for me. Here's what he said:

Our first speaker is one who keeps people on the edge of their seats. What happens is many of them doze off & slide forward. Tonight, Mich will be doing The Roast... and when she found out that there was actually a speech where one of the main goals was to "poke fun at a particular individual," she was all over it like _______________…

I got the first lines out of a Humorous Toasts/Roasts book. It was too classic to pass up. I couldn't think of anything for the last part. I always used to say, "She was all over it like a fat kid on a smartie." I wanted something original though. To get the creative juices flowing, I plugged "all over it like" into Google and checked out what came up. There were some pretty funny ones:

She was all over it like…

- Stink on a monkey

- White on rice

- A fat kid on a smartie

- A pitbull on a poodle

- Flies on shit

- Whipped topping on the Varsity Blues cheerleader

- Brown on a Philipino

- A hobo on a ham sammich

- A rash

- A horny housecat

- Ants at a picnic

- Ugly on an ape

Those aren’t bad. My penchant for monkeys makes that one extra funny. “Flies on shit” just wouldn’t fly with that crowd. Here were my creations:

She was all over it like…

- A pitbull on the postman (similar to the poodle but with a different twist)

- Shit on toilet paper

- Pricks on a porcupine

- Tattoos on a punk rocker

- Dimples on a golf ball

I ended up using "She was all over it like a pitbull on the postman!"

So if you ever need to fill in a blank, plug the first part of the phrase into Google and get the creative juices flowing! Of course you can always copy your findings, but sometimes just a kickstart is needed.

I wish there was an instant Google in my head. Googlehead. And a 'backspace' key. 'Delete' would be handy too, that is, if you could choose what to delete. Although I think someone presses a 'delete' key on my head once in a while when I'm not looking. Now where did I put my keys? Damn that delete!!!

Dangling Participles

Deneen and I were chatting on one of our walks.

It was sooo nice out and there were runners and cyclists everywhere.

She turned to me and said, “Wouldn’t it feel weird to be a guy and have those 'parts' dangling around outside your body?”

Definitely. Wouldn’t they always get in the way?

We discussed certain types of underwear and how it might help control the 'flipflop' down there, but we agreed that it would just be weird to have all the dangling.

And cycling? Doesn’t the junk get in the way? There would definitely be some awkward situations…

But then they’d probably think that having two blobs of fat hanging on the chest would feel weird too. When I was a young girl I couldn’t fathom that either. I didn’t want them. I wondered if I’d ever get to sleep on my stomach after I got them.

Deneen thought that if guys had boobs they'd just play with them all day.

But are your own body parts that compelling?

What about lesbians? They like boobs and they don’t spend all day playing with their own boobs... do they? I mean, a hot-lookin’ straight girl may check herself out in the mirror naked and say, "Yep, I suppose I look alright."

…But a hot lesbian? Maybe she looks in the mirror and says:

"Lookin’ good… I’d do me."

Rappin' and Researchin'?

I put the rap on today… Doing spreadsheets is pretty boring and I usually need to rock out to tunes to keep me from passing out from sheer boredom.

However, after a couple of hours of listening to the "Hot Hip-Hop" station on Icebergradio.com, I figured I should probably change the station. I mean, some rap is cool to drive to, dance to and even watch skiing/boarding videos to, but at the office/lab it doesn’t work so well. Every other word is ni**er, motherf**ker and rappin’ about how the b**chs and hos should get in line and serve their almighty pimp kings.

Besides, I don’t wanna get caught workin' it out on my breakdance routine when I should simply be, uh, workin'.

Ugh.

Rate your Rear

Oh man. I just read an article about this scientist that says he's found the formula for the ideal, uh, BUTT. I first heard about it on Sonic… I guess this scientist’s name is Dr. David Holmes and he claims to have found a mathematical equation for the perfect behind. I don’t really care to have anyone CALCULATE how bad my ass is… But, I guess I’m staying indoors this summer!!! Which I was going to anyways, sitting on my badly contained jelly for hours and days on end writing my thesis, guaranteeing that it gets flattened into a cheese slice!

Anyways, if you’re curious, the formula is ... ((S+C) x (B + F))/(T-V)

Where:

S = overall shape

C = circularity or spherical buttocks

B = bounce factor

F = touch firmness

V = vertical ratio

T = skin texture

OVERALL SHAPE: Which best describes your bum?

A trodden-on doughnut - 1

A pear dropped from a great height - 2

Rounded but dimpled, making it look square - 3

Big but more narrow than high - 4

A small peach shape - 5

CIRCULARITY: Which of these represents your bum?

Square as a cheese slice - 1

Like an egg is round - 2

More pear shaped - 3

Pair of pink grapefruits - 4

BOUNCE: How resilient is your bum?

Nothing can stop this badly contained jelly - 1

Wobbles for 30 seconds after one flick - 2

Cheeks don't meet when I walk - 3

Only bounce during sex – 4

During aerobics, doesn't even quiver - 5

TOUCH FIRMNESS: Which best describes your bum firmness to the touch?

Could lose a hand in here - 1

Makes a dimple if pressed - 2

Can't press in a centimetre - 3

Latex-coated cricket ball - 4

VERTICAL RATIO: Select nearest to your ratio.

Like a traffic cone - 4

Bigger at the bottom - 3

Symmetrical both ways - 2

Like a pert pair of breasts - 1

SKIN TEXTURE: How is your bum complexion?

Cellulite, spots, orange peel -- you name it! - 4

Dimpling on underside - 3

Spotty but no dimpling - 2

Like a baby's - 1

HOW DID MY BUM SCORE?

Perfection! - 80

Reach for the beach! - 60

Exercise! Diet! Hope! - 40

Keep your clothes on! - 20

Stay indoors! – 0

The MUMPS

Did anyone hear about this:

Iowa Mumps Patients May Have Spread Disease to Air Travelers

NEW YORK (Reuters Health) Apr 13 - Two persons identified by the Iowa Department of Public Health as having mumps may have transmitted the disease to travelers on nine different commercial flights, investigators note in the April 14th issue of the Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report.

In December 2005, a large outbreak of mumps began in Iowa, and 515 possible cases have been reported during 2006 as of April 10th. Officials are currently investigating whether this outbreak influenced mumps activity in neighboring states, including Illinois, Kansas, Minnesota, Missouri, Nebraska, and Wisconsin.

Holy, I haven’t heard about the mumps in forever! That’s a funny word: MUMPS. I like funny words.

I remember as a kid my little brother got the mumps and his throat and face swelled up so much that he looked fricken hilarious! I seriously could NOT look at him without laughing! That poor kid.

I think I know why, when he got big enough, he beat the livin' crap out of me.

System of an Up

Adaptation. Humans can adapt to anything if it’s introduced slow enough. Whether it’s a person, a few extra pounds, or Liberal corruption… bring it on slowly and we all adapt. When something is ripped away suddenly, however, we get a little freaked out. The few extra pounds or Liberal corruption may come out like a rotten tooth (the process was long and tough but had to be done, and like someone pointed out, eventually you’re glad the pain is gone). Getting used to suddenly not talking to or seeing someone every day can be a bit more of an adjustment.

I’ve figured out that the way to get over someone isn’t by listening to the sappy songs of the All-American Rejects or the Armchair Cynics… And it’s definitely not by listening to the Fall Out Boy album that you bought around the same time you met him and listened to almost every day since.

Nope.

You need to listen to something hard and fast, like System of a Down. Yeah, that’s been working. On the plus side, it’s also great to bike to. With my headphones blaring, I’ll be watching out for trains though, don’t worry.

Oh, except you might want to skip that song about the loneliest day of my life.

I’ve also been listening to NOFX. I mean with songs like ‘Can't get the stink out’, ‘I gotta pee’, ‘Clams have feelings too’, ‘Hot dog in a hallway’, ‘You're bleeding’, ‘You drink, you drive, you spill’ and ‘You put your chocolate in my peanut butter’...

... Really, how can you wallow in self pity rockin’ out to those gems?

Advice on men...

Ok, so apparently Oprah knows all about men and relationships? Apparently the quotes below are her advice on men. I took the liberty of adding in my comments. Deneen also contributed a couple (anything that sounds even slightly pervie was probably her. Kidding! ... Or am I?;)

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.
-Shit! Shit on both counts.

Stop making excuses for a man and his behaviour.
-He makes enough excuses that you won’t need to.

Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
-That's right, the spirits help for a bit, but then you wake up and both your heart AND your head ache!!!

Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be.
-What if you’re like a baby with a stinky diaper that actually NEEDS some changing?

If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends".
-I didn't want a suckass boyfriend, why would I want a suckass friend???
-Say no to ‘best friend’ and say yes to ‘bed friend’! (Deneen you are so naughty!)

Don't settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.
-If he's REALLY hot, you can put up with it for a bit longer...

Don't stay because you think, "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.
-Curiosity killed the cat.

The only person you can control in a relationship is you.
-And sometimes that’s not even possible!!!

Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up.
-Then of course he gives you the boot for spazzing out. Oopsie daisy.

Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.
-Shit. Then I guess giving him your ranting-type blog address isn't a great idea either...

You cannot change a man's behaviour. Change comes from within.
-So you have to change him from within… Hopefully you’re a heart surgeon.

Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...even if he has more education or in a better job.
-This totally goes against everything I read in Cosmo.

Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less.
-What is a quasi-God? “Uh, hey dude, you’re not good enough to be God, how about QUASI-God?” ... Or is that like the quasi moto of gods? Who would want to be that?

Never borrow someone else's man. If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.
-But what about all those things we learned in kindergarten? Sharesies?

A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.
-And I allow him to treat me with ice cream, chocolate and even jewelry!!!

All men are NOT dogs.
-Right, they are also pigs, toads, jackasses, weasels and snakes!!!! Hehehe. JK. Easy now.

You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is a two way street.
-But he likes that I’m bendy…

You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you... a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals... look for someone complimentary... not supplementary.
-Did you say “complimentary”? Well of course he has to tell me I’m pretty. And it’s ok if he’s an amputee! Geez, how unPC.

Make him miss you sometimes... when a man always knows where you are, and you're always readily available to him - he takes it for granted.
-Yeah, that’s it, that’s why I act completely spaz out sometimes. Keeps him on his toes!
-You mean Cosmo was right on this one? Me confused.

No seriously, HAVE SOME WINE...

I treated Deneen and I to some wine before meeting friends for dinner the other night.

She offered to pay but I didn’t let her.

"C'mon," I said, "You're always feeding me wine."

"Oh yeah, I guess I am." She agreed.

"Wait a second," I said, "You're ALWAYS feeding me wine? Am I that hard to live with that you’ve got to sauce me up all the time to make me more pleasant to be around?"

You: Mich, do you want some wine?
Me: Uh… no thanks.
You: Mich, have some wine. Seriously, HAVE SOME WINE...

It’s kind of like telling halitosis guy that he should have a mint…

Voice Recognition Software Yelled At

This article KILLED ME.

Karaoke Fiasco

So my friend Jen and I took part in the last day of classes beer gardens yesterday. I figured it might be my last and it was Jen's first here. What is it about a nice day and a cold beer in a plastic cup that tastes so damn good?

When we’d had enough of those shenanigans, we went up to one of the campus bars with some friends. Little did we know that there would be effen KARAOKE going on. Yikes. We also had no idea what we were in for… the WORST singing I have EVER heard in my whole entire life!!! I’m not exaggerating. This girl sang Song Sung Blue until we were all blue in the face. Song sung blue, weeping like a willow… we were weeping alright! I think my auditory ability aged by 10 years in 2 minutes. Small animals ran for cover and the weak amongst us in the audience crouched in the corner, rocking back and forth, praying for the pain to stop, with hands over both ears until either the world ended or she was done, whichever happened first. Seriously, it was like we were in a movie where someone gets up to sing and totally slaughters the song. It was so awful it seemed STAGED. And just when you’d swear it couldn’t possibly get WORSE, the next person would get up with the mic and prove you wrong.

I was quite surprised and delighted when Jen got up and sang “Something to talk about” by Bonnie Rait. She was a bit nervous at first and the rest of us at the table looked at each other and said, “uh oh” in worried anticipation. And then she totally got into it… and she rocked!!! She aced it! Later on, in perusing the song list, I decided that maybe I could do Blink 182, “All the small things.” Ahem, if I EVER sign up to sing karaoke, you can confidently conclude that I must be fairly pickled. It’s not a common occurrence. And then of course the drunker I am, the more I kill the song. Jen came up and sang it with me, which is also a prerequisite because I can't do it alone. No way. As it turned out, I don't think my microphone was on, then I think I turned it on and regretted it. Woopsie. It was a fiasco.

Oh well, it couldn’t have been worse than those who had gone before me.

Here’s to another 10 years of NOT doing karaoke!

... Eventually the singing was so bad that we had to make an escape, a step that would prove absolutely crucial in preserving what was left of our sanity.

Breaking up is hard to do

I wrote this about a year and a half ago... I've got lots of stuff to do today, so I'll dredge it up now for your reading pleasure;)

Jerry Seinfeld once said, "I think when you first start dating, they ought to give you 3 ‘Get out of Relationship Free’ cards so you can just go up to the person and say, Uh, here you go. I’m sorry. I’ll grab my tennis racquet. Don’t get up. Best of luck…"

"If you love something, set it free. And if it doesn’t come back to you, HUNT IT DOWN and..."

No, that’s not it…

"If it doesn’t come back to you, it’s not meant to be."

The truth is that some relationships aren’t meant to last. Inevitably then, SOMEONE has to break it off. And there's an excuse to get out of any relationship.

“It’s not you it’s me.” This is usually true, it IS them!

“I think we need a break.” Yeah, a break so you can see other people.

“I’m attracted to someone else. This must mean that we’re not meant to be.” …No, it must mean you don’t think you can keep your pants on any longer! Hopefully he or she is breaking up with you before they take the plunge into enemy territory.

Anyways, no matter what is said, the only information you need to know is that they don’t want to be with you. Unfortunately, there are some very uncool but commonly used methods to get this message across.

One method is the ‘non-break-up break-up’. I also call this the ‘High School break-up’ because you just stop contacting the person. We’ve all been there, right? It leaves a person wondering… Did I say something wrong? Was there something about me? In this case you can substitute the excuse "It’s not you it’s me" and not take it personally.

Another spin on this type of break-up is where he or she doesn’t tell you that you’re broken up, but tells everyone else! How did actress Minnie Driver discover that her boyfriend Matt Damon had ended their relationship? He told Oprah on her TV show! Talk about being the lastto know! Even better, just date someone else and not tell the other person… Like how Billy Bob Thornton ended his common law relationship with Laura Dern; he just up and married Angelina Jolie! (Can you blame him really?)

Of course there are the times when the break-up happens but you continue seeing each other. This circumstance benefits mostly one party - the one who doesn't want to commit. They can have all the relationship “perks” without the responsibility. Writer Greg Behrent says, “Breaking up is never seeing them again, and that means never seeing them naked again.” At least when the person cheats on you, a break-up is inevitable, or should be! I knew someone who dated a guy for YEARS and found out he’d had another girlfriend for MONTHS. However, they continued seeing each other due to his unwavering persistence. This was handy for him; he could just go back for the “perks”. Last I heard he said he broke-up with the other girl as well, he must have put her on the perks-plan too… This guy is pathologically brilliant!

Treating a break-up without respect is never a good idea. I’ve heard of breaking up over the phone, by email and even by fax! This is only slightly less rude than the non-break-up break-up. It reminds me of an episode of Sex and the City when Burger broke up with Kerry by post-it note. When she woke in the morning he was gone, with a post-it stuck on her computer that read, “I just can’t do this. Sorry. Burger.”

I guess he figured he was using one of his “Get out of Relationship Free” cards.

Break-ups are a difficult change to deal with. It can be tough to do the simple things such as get out of bed, have a shower or brush your teeth. Your face may still be too puffy to feel like you can leave the house without being mistaken for the elephant man, but you've got to do it! I say, enjoy your freedom! Look at the positive. Anything less could have dire consequences, such as a restraining order against you. Remember, stalking is only romantic (and legal) if the other person wants to be with you. And even though dreaming of revenge is the only joy you might allow yourself at this time, you must RESIST! And whatever you do, don’t drink and dial.

There’s no doubt that breaking up is hard to do. If you open my journal you’ll find it riddled with break-up carnage. However, in looking back I can agree with relationship expert Iyanla Vanzant who said, “You must remember that just when things are falling apart, they are actually falling into place, the divine place they should be for everyone involved.” And if his divine place is wreaking havoc on someone else’s life, then count your blessings!

In the end, I believe, it all comes down to one simple truth, if he or she is leaving you, no matter how it comes down, they’re doing you a favour…

Geeks are HOT.

Need I say more?

Grad school commercial

I was watching a Crystal Meth commercial on TV and thought, “Wow, I’ve felt all of those effects since starting grad school.”

--------------------------------------
Girl enters grad school thinking she’s doing something great with her life; she’s good enough, she’s smart enough and doggonit people like her!

[Grad school] can make you feel like… you. Only a more confident, sexier, more powerful you.

Eventually she has to take sucky courses, tries to run a human study or two and do a lengthy oral candidacy exam.

The side effects of this may include:

Seizures

Brain shrinkage

Suicidal depression

Heart, kidney and liver failure

At any point during her grad school career, but particularly in the last few months when she's not even done analyzing her data and yet her defense date is set, she may experience these additional side effects:

Violent mood swings

Skin lesions

Sleeplessness

Anxiety

Paranoia

And the gradual loss of friends and family

[Grad school is] Not to be [under]taken by those with a chronic health condition, in perfect health or anyone in their right mind.

-----------------------------------------------

I wish I'd seen that commercial a few years ago.

Julio's BARFIO

I was walking by Julio's Barrio today and had to do a double take. I thought, for a split second, that it said "Julio's BARFIO."

It would have been fitting. The food there is gagalicious. There are no good Mexican restaurants here. NONE.

I'm Like A Chocoholic But For Booze

I stumbled on these VaniTees the other day... Totally cracked me up.

Here are the other slogans:

I'm a Fucked-Up-Chick Magnet

I'm Getting Pretty Good at Masturbating

If The Heat Doesn't Kill the Elderly I Will

Is This What Passes for an Ironic T-shirt

You Learn Something New and Depressing Every Day

I Wish Somebody Would Do Something About How Fat I Am


Come to think of it, I know some guys who could wear all those shirts, simulateneously!

Yet another reason for men to start expressing their feelings...

Int J Impot Res. 2006 Mar-Apr;18(2):170-4.

Male sexuality and regulation of emotions: a study on the association between alexithymia and erectile dysfunction (ED).

Michetti PM, Rossi R, Bonanno D, Tiesi A, Simonelli C.

Dipartimento di Urologia, Universita La Sapienza di Roma, Rome, Italy. paolomaria.michetti@uniroma1.it

Alexithymia is a multidimensional construct that describes a constellation of personality features characterised by difficulties in differentiating, identifying and communicating emotions. The purpose of the present study was to investigate prevalence of alexithymia in outpatients with erectile dysfunction (ED), both in the psychogenic lifelong type (PLED) and in the acquired one (PAED). ED severity was evaluated with the International Index of Erectile Function (IIEF) and alexithymia was measured using the Italian version of the 20-item Toronto Alexithymia Scale (TAS-20). The results suggest a high incidence of alexithymic characteristics in patients with psychogenic ED, a positive correlation between the alexithymia level and ED severity in patients with PAED and statistically significant differences in the alexithymia level between the two subgroups PLED and PAED. We assumed that alexithymia contributes to the origin of the PLED, and to a more severe manifestation of ED, once it appears in the acquired form.

Wow, I can't believe they have a medical term for it... alexithymia. Maybe there's something to the "Mr. Wonderful" concept after all. Not only does he butter her up so she's ready and willing to do the horizontal mambo, but he's also ensuring that he's vertically prepared to dance too!!!

Happy 1st Birthday Sonic!!!

I first tuned in to Sonic about a year ago... and I'm still listening.

Sonic, you rock my world like so one else. YOU ROCK.

Moron with the makeup

Makeup was on sale at Shoppers the other day and I've been running short so rather than waiting until I need to raid my craft paints, I figured I'd treat myself to some. I'd never bought eye shadow in a tube before, so this was a real treat. It was sparkley. I like sparkley:)

Upon opening it, I noticed it was a bit goopy. 'It must be the liquid eye shadow', I thought and applied it to my eye lids. Yikes, it was real sticky too. No, it couldn't be... I peered at the almost too tiny for the naked eye writing at the bottom of the tube:

Sugar Glaze
Lip Gloss / Brilliant à lèvres

I'd just put lip gloss on my eye lids. Bright, real bright. And now I still needed eye shadow. And my lids are sticky, real sticky.

Krike.

April Fool's Day... Make Someone Smile:)

I realize that anything I say on April 1st is suspect. People know me too well. However, like I said in the last comments, I did NOT play any jokes last year on April Fool’s Day!!! This is because I think AFD is like Valentine's Day, they’re designated days when you have free reign to act like a fool but you could (and should) have fun all year 'round with both concepts.

I don’t know how I ended up as a practical joker; because everything I did that was halfway non-serious as a kid, I got in trouble for. I put mashed potatoes on my uncle’s chair and he sat in it-- deep shit. I tripped my older brother’s friend as he walked by and he went flying down the stairs-- deep shit. I put water on a maxi pad and slapped it on my little brother’s head-- deep deep shit. Don’t ask me why I thought that was a funny thing to do, although I was laughing until I got in trouble for it. The fact is, I always got in shit for joking around. Goofing off or giggling anywhere/anytime, especially at bedtime, the dinner table or on road trips was grounds for-- deep shit.

Anyways, somehow I got to like the ol’ joking around business. Mind you, now that I think about it, my mom had a few jokes up her sleeves. She used to get us kids every AFD by waking us up in the morning in a panic saying the school bus was waiting for us. We’d race out of bed and grab our bags only to find: NO BUS. My brothers have also pulled fast ones on me... one evening I was exhausted and fell asleep on the couch. At around 7pm they woke me up and told me it was 7am and I'd better start getting ready for school. I wandered around in a confused daze for at least half an hour before I realized what was happening. I guess the lesson there is that it's good to get people when they're still half asleep!!! My sister has also been a good example, a few years ago she bought a remote control farting machine that proved to be hours and hours of laughter. I got one too eventually. One day I brought it to work. I placed it under Vanessa’s desk chair in the lab, and as the senior technologist was walking by her desk, I set it off from where I was sitting. I could see him jerk his head to look at her and then speed off out of the lab.

So usually when AFD comes along, I have to pull out a few tricks of the trade. In the past, I’ve called my mom to tell her I was pregnant. Another year I told some friends I got back together with my ex. Wow, that made them mad! A couple of year’s ago, I have to admit that I didn’t plan it, but I was ON FIRE. I spent the whole morning (uh not working) playing joke after joke. Anyways, on email/msn I told a couple of my friends that my supervisor called a lab meeting. I told them that it had been in the works for a while, but he was taking a job in Adelaide, Australia!!! I explained that I could either finish up my work here, and hopefully he could come back for my defense OR I could actually arrange it so I could go with him!!! They were pretty excited for me. Where's Adelaide? Well, just south of Impullinyerleg and west of Urasucka!!! That morning I also called my friend Lisa and told her that our Juno tickets got stolen out of my desk at work. I got my Vanessa good too when I stuck a fake ‘hanger’ in my nose (it dangles down about 3 inches) and pretended to sneeze and ran around the lab screaming, "Where's a Kleenex? I need a Kleenex!!!" She was REALLY grossed out!

Definitely the easiest tools for AFD are email and instant messages though. There isn’t the pressure to keep a straight face because you can be laughing the whole time and the other person is none the wiser. And you can trick so many people at the same time, even hundreds of miles away!

I get my friend Chris every year on msn (hehehe, sorry Girky)!!! The 'on fire' year I got her REAL GOOD. I was to be Chris’s Maid of Honor in her wedding later that summer... Here's an excerpt from the conversation that day (btw, we call each other ‘girk’… it was a typo for ‘girl’ that stuck):

I says: hey girk... i was gonna call you last night. It turns out that my cousin is getting married the long weekend in august, so i don't know what to do... she asked me to be in the wedding party
I says: girk?
I says: hey girky!!! July 31st? That weekend??? oh man - do what you want girk!! I understand
I says: its not that i WANT tho, its that i feel obligated
Bealer says: whatever you choose!
I says: shite, this is a tough one. and its in winnipeg too, so i can't even try to do both!!!
Bealer says: hey girk, I understand
I says: unless.... tell me what you think of this...
Bealer says: oh no! hahahah
I says: SUCKA!!!!!! HAPPY APRIL FOOL'S DAY!!!!! man i get you every year don't i, hehehehehe
i love it
Bealer says: you do get me!
I says: heeheehee
Bealer says: EVERY F***ING YEAR. what a - why I not just outta, I am GONNA!!!
I says: HAHAHAHA i'm laughing pretty hard right now
I says: man, you were really nice about it too
Bealer says: well I felt so bad! And I totally understood!! not yer fault
I says: hahaha thanks girk, you made my morning
Bealer says: LOL - I just told everyone here - I guess you made their morning too!!!
I says: hahaha
Bealer says: oh man , you GOT ME SOOO GOOOD. they were like, what are you cursing at?? LOL

Then I just continued with other people on my msn list… Next was a mutual friend of my bud Nancy, who was in Asia traveling at the time…

I says: so did you hear about nancy???
She says: no? what?
I says: all her shit got stolen, ALL OF IT
She says: WHAT
She says: WHERE?
I says: she's got one set of clothes, that she was wearing last night
She says: oh no
I says: in vietnam
She says: how did you find this out?
I says: simon was telling me last night
She says: so her passport and money too?
I says: all that shit
She says: f***, is she devastated?
I says: holy fack
She says: did she leave it in the hostel?
I says: she has to come back
She says: happens a lot. she has to get a passport first
I says: yeah she was gonna go to the embassy last i heard, the canadian embassy or something
She says: f***, how stressful
She says: what a bad way to end everything
I says: i haven't heard much since
She says: she doesnt really HAVE to come back
I says: i feel terrible for her
She says: me too, that sucks
I says: well, i think she's fed up, didn't like vietnam to start with
She says: thats awful. she must have left it in her guesthouse and went out. f***, what about her ticket home?
I says: she's just cutting it short by aoubt two months i guess, she was planning on coming back in june or so eh
She says: might be able to re-issue that. yeah, June
I says: i don't know, i never thought of that!!!
She says: That sucks, people who steal suck
I says: yeah, people that trick people suck too. Hehehe. april fools sucka!!!!
She says: hahahhahah good one!!!! I totally fell for it!!!
I says: HAHAHA, me laughing... HARD
She says: HAHAHAHHAA so you should be
She says: I am an idiot
I says: you are my 4th victim this morning
She says: HAHAHAA, I got my sister but that was it, good one
I says: hahaha, too funny. anyways, thanks for that. it was very fun
She says: hahahha, you'll get yours

... I figure if I can get someone to drop the F-bomb that many times, I must be doing pretty good!!!


Then I got a girl who is a mutual friend of Rose’s…

I says: hey, did you hear about rose???
She says: what's that?
I says: oops, maybe i shouldn't say… ah well, you'll find out soon enough
I says: her and des are gonna be parents!!!!
I says: cool eh
She says: shut up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! holy shit
She says: how far along is she?
I says: yeah, act like you don't know tho
She says: f***!!!!!!! it'
She says: it's april fools!!!!!!!!!!
I says: about 3 mos now
oh… yeah
I says: sucka
hahahaha
She says: lol
She says: you really had me!!!!!
I says: HAHA cool!!!
She says: i was racking my brain.... too funny...thanks for the smile....you're the only person that's tried today...anyone get you?
I says: HAHA uh, no but you're my 6th victim
hehehehe
I says: geez, this has been a really fun morning

Ugly Woundage

I had trouble taking my own photos... but you get the picture!!! Eewww.


... by the way, if you want an explanation on these pictures, see my previous entry: Finally Bit the Big One!!! Ugh. (Particularly the 'comments' section.)

Finally bit the big one!!! Ugh.

Well, I JUST got back from Emergency, if you can believe it!!! I cannot BELIEVE how long a person has to wait there to be seen. SIX HOURS. It's not right.

Anyways, today what I've always feared came true. I was riding my bike down the road, and someone opened their door! It was unreal. I totally bit it big time, ended up catapulting forward, bouncing off the door and onto the ground, almost like something out of a movie. Definitely scared the crap out of both me and the idiot who didn't see me coming. I wouldn't have even gone to the hospital except I could hardly put ANY weight on my friggin' leg and thought, oh NO, not my knee!!!

Not again, nooooo not again.

The doctor doesn't think I've torn anything though. He also scrubbed down my road rash. That's an all too familiar feeling for me. All too familiar...

Anyways, tomorrow maybe I'll take some pictures of my wounds and post them. Maybe... that is, if you wanna be grossed out! Wait for it, you won't be disappointed...

I'm going to get some ice and some Advil and head to bed... ugh. G'nite.