It crossed my mind today that I’m pretty susceptible to suggestion by different forms of media.
All day I could not get that stupid “RANCH!” out of my head. Not only that but I can do the voice fairly well and therefore drive my coworkers nuts with it. Ranch. Ranch! RANCH! … ranch?
Geez!
It does NOT make me want to eat ranch however.
I used to have “73!” in my head. This was much worse than the 'ranch' thing though. You see, out of the blue I’d scream “73!” in the annoying slaughtered Bee-Gees voice that the guy does in that Pizza 73 commercial. Sometimes it would end there. Sometimes I would complete the jingle, “... when the pizza’s gone and you can’t go on, it’s 73!” (to the tune of Tragedy by the BeeGees). I drove another coworker and my roommate nuts with that one for months. It was their fault though. They actually played Tragedy in my presence, further driving the tune into my subconscious! Sheesh! They literally asked for me to torment them.
Speaking of being susceptible to tunes… My ex-boyfriend used to crack me up. He was so susceptible to tunes, that my cell phone would ring and 10 minutes later I’d hear him humming the ringtone. Hahaha. I used to play with him too. I’d turn to my friend and say, “Watch this, I’ll hum a tune and stop, and within 10 minutes he’ll be humming that tune.” It would work EVERY TIME. Yes, I know what you’re thinking… and YES, I have a very very simple mind.
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
Rant about Toilet Seats
Tonight I went to go to the washroom at the grocery store and found it so covered in urine that I had to 'hover' over the toilet seat. As I was hovering, I wondered if the people waiting outside to use the washroom could hear the thundering noise that urine makes when dropping from such heights. I resented being put in this 'position'.
I made sure it was clean when I left…
Let me just say that I HATE it when people don’t clean up after themselves. If you are weird enough to not sit on the toilet seat, PLEASE clean it up after yourself! I USUALLY check to make sure the coast is clear before I plop myself down, but there is the odd time I don’t and that is when… what an icky icky icky feeling! There’s nothing quite like the sensation of having others urine on your ass. And I swear there are some toilet seats that camouflage the wet seat because I’ve checked and it appeared to be clean and yet I still ended up with that horrible sensation. Talk about being duped!
I could go on and on, but a friend of mine said it the best. Rose got pissed off after encountering one too many soiled toilet seats one day and wrote a note to put up in all the women’s washrooms on her floor. It’s classic and VERY to-the-point so I’ve included it here…
A LESSON IN TOILET SEATS
The toilet seat is inherently clean.
The toilet seat should NOT give you a disease, bad germs etc.... The skin on people’s butts is relatively clean. If you are that worried about germs, then think about what dirty things your hands touch, like doorknobs (IN THE BATHROOM) and computer keyboards. People pick their noses (and other areas) A LOT!!!!!!!!
The toilet seat MIGHT be gross and dirty because those of you who are scared of germs and squat over the toilet seat in an effort to avoid germs PEE ON THE SEAT.
Let’s face it; squat peeing is never a clean stream. It is in contact with your genitals before it hits the air. THAT is when pee that would normally be clean picks up germs. And when you squat that germy pee ends up on the toilet seat for all the sane sitters to pick up.
THAT IS GROSS!!!!!!!!!! If you are a toilet-seat-o-phobic, and feel the paranoid need to squat, PLEASE WIPE YOUR PEE OFF THE SEAT WHEN YOU ARE FINISHED (preferably with soap and water). OR, put toilet paper on the seat before you sit on it. Either way, TRY TO GET SOME PEE IN THE TOILET!!!!!!!
Thank you-
From a girl who is not afraid to put her bum on things.
Rose is an excellent writer… check out her blog Procrastinating Rosie.
I made sure it was clean when I left…
Let me just say that I HATE it when people don’t clean up after themselves. If you are weird enough to not sit on the toilet seat, PLEASE clean it up after yourself! I USUALLY check to make sure the coast is clear before I plop myself down, but there is the odd time I don’t and that is when… what an icky icky icky feeling! There’s nothing quite like the sensation of having others urine on your ass. And I swear there are some toilet seats that camouflage the wet seat because I’ve checked and it appeared to be clean and yet I still ended up with that horrible sensation. Talk about being duped!
I could go on and on, but a friend of mine said it the best. Rose got pissed off after encountering one too many soiled toilet seats one day and wrote a note to put up in all the women’s washrooms on her floor. It’s classic and VERY to-the-point so I’ve included it here…
A LESSON IN TOILET SEATS
The toilet seat is inherently clean.
The toilet seat should NOT give you a disease, bad germs etc.... The skin on people’s butts is relatively clean. If you are that worried about germs, then think about what dirty things your hands touch, like doorknobs (IN THE BATHROOM) and computer keyboards. People pick their noses (and other areas) A LOT!!!!!!!!
The toilet seat MIGHT be gross and dirty because those of you who are scared of germs and squat over the toilet seat in an effort to avoid germs PEE ON THE SEAT.
Let’s face it; squat peeing is never a clean stream. It is in contact with your genitals before it hits the air. THAT is when pee that would normally be clean picks up germs. And when you squat that germy pee ends up on the toilet seat for all the sane sitters to pick up.
THAT IS GROSS!!!!!!!!!! If you are a toilet-seat-o-phobic, and feel the paranoid need to squat, PLEASE WIPE YOUR PEE OFF THE SEAT WHEN YOU ARE FINISHED (preferably with soap and water). OR, put toilet paper on the seat before you sit on it. Either way, TRY TO GET SOME PEE IN THE TOILET!!!!!!!
Thank you-
From a girl who is not afraid to put her bum on things.
Rose is an excellent writer… check out her blog Procrastinating Rosie.
Sunday, September 18, 2005
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
Parents love Bob Saget
Bob Saget has to be the worst comedian EVER. Mind you, I have never seen him do standup except on America's Funniest Home Videos... and it was EXCRUCIATING! I avoided the show just so I wouldn't have to hear those stupid jokes. It made me hurt.
Somehow my parent's liked him though. For the life of me I'll NEVER understand it. Never. Nada. Nil. Nope. Maybe it's like how Germans love David Hasselhof? One of those mysteries that shall never be solved...
It goes to show you that people's senses of humor must vary A LOT. It also means that one person's knee slapper is another's Bob Saget. I hope I'm no one's Bob Saget.
If so, you can go worship Bob Saget and leave me alone. Run along now...
http://www.bobsagetisgod.com
Somehow my parent's liked him though. For the life of me I'll NEVER understand it. Never. Nada. Nil. Nope. Maybe it's like how Germans love David Hasselhof? One of those mysteries that shall never be solved...
It goes to show you that people's senses of humor must vary A LOT. It also means that one person's knee slapper is another's Bob Saget. I hope I'm no one's Bob Saget.
If so, you can go worship Bob Saget and leave me alone. Run along now...
http://www.bobsagetisgod.com
Sunday, September 11, 2005
Epoophany
I had an epiphany the other day. I was thinking about how it’s been a long time since I’ve fallen victim to the Poo caper’s stinky shenanigans. (If you’re confused, see the Poo Caper entry: The poo caper strikes again.
Then I noticed, I haven’t seen any sign of the dreaded PC since my friend (we’ll call her “Assenav”) graduated and moved out of this building. Hmmm, coincidence? I think not. I know that she will try to deny it, however it is too crazy of a coincidence to NOT make a connection.
I hate to say this, I really really do… but Assenav, if you are reading this, you should think seriously about sneaking in unnoticed one day and leave a little present behind for the world to see. Even better, while you’re on holiday get someone who still hangs out here to do it for you. That is totally the best alibi. I mean, IF they can muster up something like that (can you say “2 cups of all bran?”). That would clear your name once and for all. Of course, it would have to be someone you trust and that you don’t care if they know you’re actually the dreaded ‘Caper’ of course.
As long as they don’t end up enjoying the experience and take over your PC shenanigans. Shit. This is all too confusing… I think you’d better try to clear your name on your own Assenav.
This was a very very bad idea.
Then I noticed, I haven’t seen any sign of the dreaded PC since my friend (we’ll call her “Assenav”) graduated and moved out of this building. Hmmm, coincidence? I think not. I know that she will try to deny it, however it is too crazy of a coincidence to NOT make a connection.
I hate to say this, I really really do… but Assenav, if you are reading this, you should think seriously about sneaking in unnoticed one day and leave a little present behind for the world to see. Even better, while you’re on holiday get someone who still hangs out here to do it for you. That is totally the best alibi. I mean, IF they can muster up something like that (can you say “2 cups of all bran?”). That would clear your name once and for all. Of course, it would have to be someone you trust and that you don’t care if they know you’re actually the dreaded ‘Caper’ of course.
As long as they don’t end up enjoying the experience and take over your PC shenanigans. Shit. This is all too confusing… I think you’d better try to clear your name on your own Assenav.
This was a very very bad idea.
Friday, September 09, 2005
Choco-Ho
Vanessa should have never told me she keeps chocolate in her desk. That's like telling a crack-ho where the money stash is and expecting it to still be there when you get back.
Temptation is a byatch. I once said, "I have no problem resisting temptation, except when something is REALLY tempting. Then I have a problem with it."
This has been another installment of "Deep Thoughts". Ok, so it wasn't as comical as "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey", it was more like a "Jessica Simpson moment".
Who is Jack Handey anyways? Is he the SNL writers morphed into one, or a real person? Hmm. Either way, he totally kills me. So if you're ever BORED at work, go steal some chocolate and read some JH (like I'm doing right now:). It's a sure-fire GRIN...
"Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind."
"Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done."
"The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw."
Mmmmm CHOCOOOOLAAATE mmmm.
BUH-bye now.
Temptation is a byatch. I once said, "I have no problem resisting temptation, except when something is REALLY tempting. Then I have a problem with it."
This has been another installment of "Deep Thoughts". Ok, so it wasn't as comical as "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey", it was more like a "Jessica Simpson moment".
Who is Jack Handey anyways? Is he the SNL writers morphed into one, or a real person? Hmm. Either way, he totally kills me. So if you're ever BORED at work, go steal some chocolate and read some JH (like I'm doing right now:). It's a sure-fire GRIN...
"Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind."
"Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done."
"The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw."
Mmmmm CHOCOOOOLAAATE mmmm.
BUH-bye now.
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
School's In
Another year. I can hardly believe I’m STILL here. This is the year I finish, I just know it!
Could happen.
The kiddies are back and the campus is overflowing… complete with the usual 19-year-old eye candy. As for the girls, I LOVE to see what they're wearing for the first days of classes. You can just tell they wore their very favourite back-to-school duds and spent about 2 hours on their hair and make-up. Fashion-wise there’s definitely the good, the bad and the ugly. Though I saw the most awesome pair of jeans, I wanted to run after the girl and ask where she got them. Wanted to but didn’t. Good call?
Yes indeed, the people-watching is very entertaining:)
As I walk by the beer gardens I can’t help but think I may be too old this year. This might be the year that I’m unable to ‘fake it’ any longer. This could be the year that the kids throw plastic beer cups and pizza at me and call me “Old School”. (Hey kids, which one is not like the others?) I love the beer gardens though… fond memories. I think of just a few years back and one day in particular comes to mind. My friend and I went for JUST ONE BEER. Famous last words. The beer tasted like budda that day (that’s ‘budda’ as in ‘butter,’ pronounced like Mike Meyers in Coffee Talk and not ‘Buddha’, the fat guy commonly portrayed in statues).
Anyways, as I’ve explained, the beer garden episode started out innocently enough. And then JUST ONE BEER somehow multiplied... Weird how that happens. I should note here that beer is supposed to be used ‘for internal use only’, because externally it didn’t feel so good. Early on that day a guy bumped me and launched my whole beer upwards and onto my face. It was classic. He was nice enough to bring me a nappy and another beer. No harm no foul. (Well perhaps a little foul...) So if this is how it started out, you can just imagine the rest of the evening. We met new friends. This was the night we met “The Original Manho”. Hahaha. We were serenaded to. A guy recited a poem to me that he just made up. We threw things. I’m sure I fell down at one point. (Oh yeah that could have been any night… or day for that matter).
I can’t go into details because I just don't want to, plus it would be just too damn time consuming (and I’m supposed to be working right now). Let’s just say it started around 3pm and ended at about 3am. It was truly a 12-hour debauchery marathon. I had to be at work by 6am and didn't smell so good.
Not one of my finer moments but once in a while you just have to bust one out like that.
Perhaps not this year though. Perhaps. You never know though. Nah.
Ahem. Recess is over. Back to work…
Sincerely,
Old School
Could happen.
The kiddies are back and the campus is overflowing… complete with the usual 19-year-old eye candy. As for the girls, I LOVE to see what they're wearing for the first days of classes. You can just tell they wore their very favourite back-to-school duds and spent about 2 hours on their hair and make-up. Fashion-wise there’s definitely the good, the bad and the ugly. Though I saw the most awesome pair of jeans, I wanted to run after the girl and ask where she got them. Wanted to but didn’t. Good call?
Yes indeed, the people-watching is very entertaining:)
As I walk by the beer gardens I can’t help but think I may be too old this year. This might be the year that I’m unable to ‘fake it’ any longer. This could be the year that the kids throw plastic beer cups and pizza at me and call me “Old School”. (Hey kids, which one is not like the others?) I love the beer gardens though… fond memories. I think of just a few years back and one day in particular comes to mind. My friend and I went for JUST ONE BEER. Famous last words. The beer tasted like budda that day (that’s ‘budda’ as in ‘butter,’ pronounced like Mike Meyers in Coffee Talk and not ‘Buddha’, the fat guy commonly portrayed in statues).
Anyways, as I’ve explained, the beer garden episode started out innocently enough. And then JUST ONE BEER somehow multiplied... Weird how that happens. I should note here that beer is supposed to be used ‘for internal use only’, because externally it didn’t feel so good. Early on that day a guy bumped me and launched my whole beer upwards and onto my face. It was classic. He was nice enough to bring me a nappy and another beer. No harm no foul. (Well perhaps a little foul...) So if this is how it started out, you can just imagine the rest of the evening. We met new friends. This was the night we met “The Original Manho”. Hahaha. We were serenaded to. A guy recited a poem to me that he just made up. We threw things. I’m sure I fell down at one point. (Oh yeah that could have been any night… or day for that matter).
I can’t go into details because I just don't want to, plus it would be just too damn time consuming (and I’m supposed to be working right now). Let’s just say it started around 3pm and ended at about 3am. It was truly a 12-hour debauchery marathon. I had to be at work by 6am and didn't smell so good.
Not one of my finer moments but once in a while you just have to bust one out like that.
Perhaps not this year though. Perhaps. You never know though. Nah.
Ahem. Recess is over. Back to work…
Sincerely,
Old School
Lagwagon... Falling Apart
http://www.lagwagon.com
FALLING APART...
Hello, welcome to the show... Thought we broke up years ago... What's up, I just shit my pants... Gambled and I lost... Good times, just blew out my knee... I've fallen and I can't get up... Oh shit, I think I broke my back... Where's the wheelchair?
I'm old school... I'm played out... Osteoporosis, glaucoma and neurosis... The vultures circling above our balding heads...
Second verse, the same as the first I forgot the words again... Railer, lost my inhaler... Who's got a smoke for the Caper? Hold on let me catch my breath... All right, I feel better now... Take it to the bridge...
I'll never be Ozzy... On stage when I'm fifty... I'm gonna look like Elvis... By the time I'm forty... We're already bogus... We're already fading... We'll never be The Rolling Stones... I'm staying home...
Dementia and senility... My failing muscles atrophy... I've lost all ability... Falling apart... Blue hair, brown teeth... Failing livers, defeat...
Maybe we will try to pull it off... For another year.
Monday, September 05, 2005
Getting older
The only thing I have a wee problem with (besides my butt) is my age. I just turned 36 and I can hardly believe it. The person who said “Inside every older person is a younger person wondering ‘what the hell happened?’”was so on target. The only consolation is that as I get older, everyone else is too.
So this past weekend, a couple of friends and I went out to celebrate my 30th birthday. It was pretty cool that people told me I look really good for 30, hehehe. I was actually smart about drinking this weekend too. Both my friends got REALLY drunk, and there I was wandering the bar alone, while they wooed their respective targets for the evening. Yep, the beer goggles were turned way up for them that night. I actually ended up hanging out with a guy who was also celebrating his 30th (what a coincidence!) and we went and got free Jagermeister shooters at the bar. I turned to him and laughed about how my friends were much drunker than I, and it was MY birthday! However I was very thankful the next day. VERY. Especially after my roommate told me he puked and then proceeded to spend the day in a zombie-like state. Normally I don’t feel bad for those who self-induce their illness, however I’ve been feeling really bad about the fact that he lost his mojo sometime ago and has never recovered it. This is a guy who once dated 3 women at one time, at which point I had to have a chat with him about dating morals. Poor guy.
Anyways, so since I’d been wandering the bar alone, trying not to look like too much of a loser, I was quite glad that this boy talked to me and dragged me to the bar for shooters. I’ll refer to him as ‘Jagermeister boy’. We talked about the band, which he agreed was totally awesome. We talked about my shirt (my fave Foo Fighters shirt) and he said it was the reason he came and talked to me. I told him that before we went out my roommate had mentioned 3x that I should change my shirt because it was “just a T-shirt”. I guess he thought I should wear something a little more ho-ish? The cool thing was that Jagerboy didn’t try to go home with me that night, he just asked for my number. Haha. It’s not often you meet a nice guy at the bar and frankly, I’ve given up trying. I just go to get stupid. Though my friend had a guy come up to her and ask if she’d go home with him, point blank. The funny thing is that this is a guy who’s a dj on the radio, and I’d recognized him earlier in the night and pointed him out to my friend. So later when he talked to her, she told him she knew who he was and he asked her how she knew that. She told him it was because she recognized his voice. Hahaha. I think he believed her. Too funny.
Oops, I WAS talking about my birthday and getting older and I totally tossed out a long tangent there. To the point, I continue to be totally at odds with my age. I still feel lost somewhere between 25 and 35. I don’t feel near as old as the math would suggest. I wonder if I SHOULD start acting and dressing in a certain way… more “age appropriate” or something.
On the other hand, I’m tempted to just be me...
I’m going to leave it at that, for now.
So this past weekend, a couple of friends and I went out to celebrate my 30th birthday. It was pretty cool that people told me I look really good for 30, hehehe. I was actually smart about drinking this weekend too. Both my friends got REALLY drunk, and there I was wandering the bar alone, while they wooed their respective targets for the evening. Yep, the beer goggles were turned way up for them that night. I actually ended up hanging out with a guy who was also celebrating his 30th (what a coincidence!) and we went and got free Jagermeister shooters at the bar. I turned to him and laughed about how my friends were much drunker than I, and it was MY birthday! However I was very thankful the next day. VERY. Especially after my roommate told me he puked and then proceeded to spend the day in a zombie-like state. Normally I don’t feel bad for those who self-induce their illness, however I’ve been feeling really bad about the fact that he lost his mojo sometime ago and has never recovered it. This is a guy who once dated 3 women at one time, at which point I had to have a chat with him about dating morals. Poor guy.
Anyways, so since I’d been wandering the bar alone, trying not to look like too much of a loser, I was quite glad that this boy talked to me and dragged me to the bar for shooters. I’ll refer to him as ‘Jagermeister boy’. We talked about the band, which he agreed was totally awesome. We talked about my shirt (my fave Foo Fighters shirt) and he said it was the reason he came and talked to me. I told him that before we went out my roommate had mentioned 3x that I should change my shirt because it was “just a T-shirt”. I guess he thought I should wear something a little more ho-ish? The cool thing was that Jagerboy didn’t try to go home with me that night, he just asked for my number. Haha. It’s not often you meet a nice guy at the bar and frankly, I’ve given up trying. I just go to get stupid. Though my friend had a guy come up to her and ask if she’d go home with him, point blank. The funny thing is that this is a guy who’s a dj on the radio, and I’d recognized him earlier in the night and pointed him out to my friend. So later when he talked to her, she told him she knew who he was and he asked her how she knew that. She told him it was because she recognized his voice. Hahaha. I think he believed her. Too funny.
Oops, I WAS talking about my birthday and getting older and I totally tossed out a long tangent there. To the point, I continue to be totally at odds with my age. I still feel lost somewhere between 25 and 35. I don’t feel near as old as the math would suggest. I wonder if I SHOULD start acting and dressing in a certain way… more “age appropriate” or something.
On the other hand, I’m tempted to just be me...
I’m going to leave it at that, for now.
Friday, September 02, 2005
Say NO to the Toe
I pointed out to a friend of mine that someone had a camel toe.
“Camel toe?” she said, “What's that?”
What the? She couldn’t be serious! So I asked if she knew that some girls were called ‘Wanda’ because the initial was written in their pants… Still nothing. Hahaha. So I dug up 'The Camel Toe Report' and sent her the link. Although I have to say, some of those in the photos don’t look very toe-ish, and yet others appear to be computer-enhanced. I hate to plug the website here, however I absolutely cracked up at some of the Toe Haikus. There are some gross ones but some of them were funny. Here’s a sample:
Riding on the seam
Split between good and evil
I cannot choose sides.
The lips are parted
by the bountiful panties
they ask for freedom
Yo-yo in your pants?
Or just happy to see me?
Pick-up line needs work.
Female traffic cop
Attitude and hoof combined
Proceed with caution
boy/girl - no matter
a sideways smile or split-balls
we'll embrace them all
Some of the most unsightly toes I’ve seen have been on men. I was out listening to a band one time, and in the audience I spotted the most prominent toe I’ve ever seen. I pointed it out to my buddy and we laughed but pretty soon he was cursing me. The thing was that the toe-sportin' guy was situated in a position where, like a car crash, it was hard to avoid looking at that gruesome toe. He had it on display like a proud papa.
Ok people, just say NO.
Disclaimer: When I laugh at camel toes, I’m talking the ones on fully clothed people, not anything totally rude like on those websites showing women bent over. That’s just rude.
“Camel toe?” she said, “What's that?”
What the? She couldn’t be serious! So I asked if she knew that some girls were called ‘Wanda’ because the initial was written in their pants… Still nothing. Hahaha. So I dug up 'The Camel Toe Report' and sent her the link. Although I have to say, some of those in the photos don’t look very toe-ish, and yet others appear to be computer-enhanced. I hate to plug the website here, however I absolutely cracked up at some of the Toe Haikus. There are some gross ones but some of them were funny. Here’s a sample:
Riding on the seam
Split between good and evil
I cannot choose sides.
The lips are parted
by the bountiful panties
they ask for freedom
Yo-yo in your pants?
Or just happy to see me?
Pick-up line needs work.
Female traffic cop
Attitude and hoof combined
Proceed with caution
boy/girl - no matter
a sideways smile or split-balls
we'll embrace them all
Some of the most unsightly toes I’ve seen have been on men. I was out listening to a band one time, and in the audience I spotted the most prominent toe I’ve ever seen. I pointed it out to my buddy and we laughed but pretty soon he was cursing me. The thing was that the toe-sportin' guy was situated in a position where, like a car crash, it was hard to avoid looking at that gruesome toe. He had it on display like a proud papa.
Ok people, just say NO.
Disclaimer: When I laugh at camel toes, I’m talking the ones on fully clothed people, not anything totally rude like on those websites showing women bent over. That’s just rude.
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