Tis the season to have a chuckle

You know how they say that *suicide rates are higher around the holidays? Well, apparently this is a total myth!!! However, they (how can we EVER tell when "they" are right and when "they" are wrong? They are bloody confusing I tell ya!) say that rates of depression are actually higher over the holidays. This doesn't surprise me. The days are shorter, increasing incidence of SAD (seasonal affective disorder) and there is a bit of longing for those who are missing loved ones or don't have anyone close to them.

Anyhoo. This is why we need a laugh or few over the holidays!!! Hence today's post. I could tell you a Christmas joke or two... however, whereas me telling a joke may make you want to kill yourself, these -- Christmas themed cartoons -- will get you laughing in the spirit of the season.

Mark Parisi, you make me chuckle.


*Interesting sidenote from Suicide rates - Focus:
According to the World Health Organization (WHO), someone around the globe commits suicide every 40 seconds. In the year 2000, 815,000 people lost their lives to suicide - more than double the number of people who die as a direct result of armed conflict every year (306,600).

Another sidenote for comparison from (can't find reference right now):
Apparently in the U.S. alone, tobacco kills more than 430,000 citizens each year —more than alcohol, cocaine, heroin, homicide, suicide, car accidents, fire, and AIDS combined. Woah.


Now go check out the comics!!!! Sheesh!

Whistler: The extremely abridged version with no pictures

So I guess my one cat poops on my bedroom floor when she's upset that I've been away awhile. That was lovely. Poo is a gross thing to behold, in your hand, even separated from your skin by a plastic bag... But CAT poo is a whole other level of gross. Yeesh.

Whistler was great, except for the weather. Cold. Rainy. Yet we still ventured out.

Our flight out of Edmonton was delayed by almost 2 hours on Saturday am, which wasn't so special since we'd all gotten up that morning at 4. Missing 2 hours of sleep AND 2 hours of vacation in one fell swoop sucks just a wee bit. And all Air Canada did was apologize. No free trips to Mexico or upgrades to first class for us. Nope. Not even extra snacks in an attempt to appease our tired attempt at bitterness.

I have no idea why I take on the role of the entertainer at some of these functions. Why do I have to let people into my weird little world so quickly? I did a good chunk of my repetoire of sound effects/impressions for about 10 people, some of whom barely know me. There was my Chubby Checker, Kermit, Axl Rose, the technologist in our lab, a bird, a coyote and a rooster. Luckily the rooster had to be done by everyone when we were playing a drinking game and I got the "rule card". Each person had to crow before they took a card, every time. Hehehe. Seeing our supervisor crow like a rooster was classic.

And boy did we ever pig out on yummy food. Mmm.

Good times.

Unfortunately my camera's memory card has something wrong with it. I took a shitload of videos and photos over the first half of the weekend and have nothing to show for it. Alas, there's nuthin to see here folks... :(

And now it's back to work. Ugh.

Truth or Fiction?

I know that hoards and hoards of you are expecting me to try to sucker you into some sort of joke for April Food's Day (like last year- check this post, and this one).

Nope. Not this year. Don't get me wrong, I had a good time today, hehehe. You know who you suckers are!!! Ah, all in good fun.

The trick to getting someone to believe what you say on this fine day is to pick something that's believable, yet somewhat strange or exciting. Sometimes truth is stranger than fiction, so it can be hard to tell the difference (especially when it comes to my life). I can't really blame people for believing my ruses.

Speaking of truth vs fiction, I stumbled on this awesome website the other day. It's the Museum of Hoaxes. Part of it is the Hoax Photo Test. You know those stupidass emails that idiots get suckered in to forwarding to everyone? Well, I often bust those with www.snopes.com. However, I took the Hoax Photo Test, and I was wrong almost half the time as to what was a hoax and what was real! Some examples of what is in the test:



This is a photo of a fitness centre in San Diego where the patrons take the escalator rather than the stairs! TRUE.

And this close-call photo is actually a HOAX. The shark was added in after.

It's pretty interesting. And while you're there, check out the Top 100 April Fool's Day Hoaxes of All Time. Guess there are a lot of suckers out there!

Love it.

Taking Back Sunday on Tuesday!

click to enlarge

Taking Back Sunday was playing at the House of Blues while we were watching Julio Iglesius in Laughlin, just a mere 1.5 hours away. That would've been awesome to see them... One glitch for me: we wouldn't be in Vegas until the next day.

Shite. I was a day late and a ticket short. And boy did I whine about it. I guess I whined to the point where a friend of mine went out while I was gone and bought me tickets to the Edmonton show!!! What??? Yippeee!

My reaction when he gave me the tickets? "Keith, you JERK!" Guess I need to work on my gift-receiving etiquette a bit. But seriously, thanks so much... I'm getting all excited now!

I'm glad my mom got to see Julio though, who is apparently the biggest selling artist of all time and a gracefully aging sex machine!

Hope you had a happy St. Patty's Day!

Good advice for the half dead

This sign was beside a coffin in the old mining town of Oatman, Arizona.

Dammit, it should still cost $27 for a coffin...

I don't get the need to purchase something fancy for $5000, only to bury it in dirt!

I like the part where it says: "check size here."

Hippies can't catch a break...

I'd walked by this hut many times before I actually noticed the sign. I chuckled at the "no exceptions" bit. I'm not sure exactly what pegs hippies as an identifiable group with no room for argument. Perhaps they dress in homemade-looking clothing (particularly long skirts if female), usually don hats, pigtails and shop for beads at flea markets.

At least, there must have been something that lead the stoner dude to ask if I was a hippy and try to recruit me into the all-inclusive Rainbow Family of cults. Hey I didn't use the word cult, he did!

Anyways, it's a good thing I didn't want to use the front door at the Jet boat tours shack or I may have had a fight on my hands.

Blog Break

So I'm digging through my summer clothes because I'm going south for a little while... and balking at the thought of myself in a bikini. My regular bikini doesn't fit me right now, so I'll have to wear my "fat bikini" (kind of like fat pants but it's a bikini... doesn't seem like a good idea. A better idea would be the burkini. I gotta get me one of those).

During our trip, we'll probably hit Laughlin, Nevada for a few days. It's basically the old folks' Vegas. Actually, Laughlin looks a bit like I'd imagine Vegas did near it's beginnings. Ah well, it has its own charm. For one thing, I got ID'ed there buying wine at the Safeway in 2005! The guy was serious too, he was like, "Are you old enough to buy that?" I said, "Do you want proof?" He apologized afterwards but I told him that it was absolutely no problem!

Anyways, there may be a blog drought coming on if I don't have internet or anything interesting to say for that matter. Not that I EVER have anything interesting to say... Guess maybe I'll do a bit of reading. Should I bring my favourite (and only) book of late: "Isotope Tracers in Metabolic Research: Principles and Practice of Kinetic Analysis"? Hmmm. I'd rather read Cosmo on the plane than have to think so much, even though it's almost a toss up between which I'd rather read. Do I want my brain to work that hard or be that completely vacant? Maybe I should bring the book along and if I start to feel guilty about taking some time off, I can crack it and make myself feel better. That may last all of 5 minutes, that is, until the dryness of the material overides the pain caused by the guilt pangs.

Later... :)


P.S. While I'm away, if you're bored and feel the need to procrastinate, check out my friend Keith's blog: small thoughts from strange hours. He just started it and it's not too shabby, not too shabby at all.

Happy Valentine's Day!

I always have something to say (i.e. 'go off about') regarding Valentine's Day... So why post another rant? You can check out some past posts here:

2005 rant: Ah, the dreaded VD...

2006 rant: Flowers = BJ? NO WAY!

2007 rant: Wise Words about VD

So yeah, I don't have much more to say, except that this holiday is becoming like New Year's Eve for me. No, I don't mean it's become this race to get pissed and find someone to kiss! I mean that the expectations are completely dropped and it's just nice to have a lovely evening with someone ya like. When you spend your TIME with people, it says more than spending any amount of money.


By the way, if you wanna copy this picture and email it to your honey, feel free... CHEESEBALL! Hahaha.

Wise words about VD

If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it... If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey... It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter... She won't get sick if you wrap your dick... If you go into heat, package your meat... Cuff your carrot before you share it...

Err, that wasn't quite what I meant, but it got your attention didn't it!? I was actually referring to the impending Valentine's Day of course (the stores are already shoving it down our throats) ... And yeah, every year I make the SAME joke. Is it getting old yet?

John Lennon said, "We've got this gift of love, but love is like a precious plant.... You've got to keep watering it. You've got to really look after it and nurture it."

The problem is that a lot of people suck at caring for plants! They don't water it until they finally notice that it's wilting, about to enter that botanical garden in the sky, going leaf to leaf with the greenery grim reaper. Then they drown the thing in an attempt to bring it back from that kind of action. This attempted drowning is akin to Valentine's Day.

C'mon folks, just water your plants REGULARLY. We don't need a commercial holiday (especially one that doesn't come with a day off) to remind us to take care of our love lives... and at the same time make both singles and couples all over the world feel like losers because no one can live up to the hype.

Still 'out of it'...

Good Lord, I'm still on vacation. Should be back on the bandwagon this week sometime. It's been awesome catching up with everyone and not reading anything to do with triglycerides or fatty acids.

In the meantime, you could check out some of my old blog posts. There's certainly enough of them!!! I still get comments from people, "If only you spent as much time on your thesis as your blog, you would've been done years ago!"

Then I make them regret the day they were born.

ANNNNYWAYYYS. Speaking of old posts, I referred to one recently in a conversation with one of my friends. She was telling me about a guy she used to date. I asked if he was a good kisser and she went on to describe how he kissed. I said, "Oh! You mean 'The Happy German Sheppard'!?!" And we both laughed, because she knows darn well about my post on Kissing Styles. Maybe that would be a good old post to check out... at least, until I get my holiday-expanded arse in gear on this blog again.

Happy Holidays!

Hey... Have an awesome Christmas everyone! I'm gonna take a little hiatus from the ol' blogging. I suggest you take a well-deserved break as well :)

mmm choc-lit

I knew I shouldn't have bought people chocolate for Christmas. Now I have to go BACK to the store...

Tis the season to eat, drink... and eat and drink some more!

I just got back from my boss's Christmas party. Tell me how it's a good thing to have a lunch for a Christmas party, and order two bottles of wine? I'm all FOR the wine drinking, don't get me wrong. However, I'm not sure how productive the writing will be for the rest of the afternoon.

I'm just pouring myself a nice cup of coffee right now, extra strength, extra tall. It must jolt me back into consciousness. Or maybe I should have a quick nap and then get at it? Wine plus TONNES of food isn't the best combo for concentration.

Ah, I don' t need to be dead sober to write a thesis. In fact, if I'm a little tipsy over the next couple of months, it may open the waterfalls of creativity. I'll be so much more relaxed... and well, the computer can take care of any typos, right? After all, it knows how to spell peroxisome and triacylglycerol. Yeah.

My body is officially primed for the season of indulgence. I'd better bring my fat jeans along for the New Year's party. Good Lord. That doctor on Oprah said most people only gain a pound at Christmas. What the? I'm wondering what population was sampled for that study? To gain ONLY a pound? Not possible.

Woops, I just spilled coffee grounds all over the kitchen floor. Yep, this is going to be a stellar afternoon folks. Stellar.

Tweeter and Mofo

Hey so this past weekend, my comic brainchild Tweeter and the Monkey Girl became a reality! I thought for sure that we were going as Sonny and Cher... then Jen said she actually wanted to be a monkey!!! She said it would be funnier (although Jen as Sonny and me as Cher would've been pretty awesome too).

Anyways, here are a few pix... we got 2nd place in the costume contest!!! The creepy gym teacher got 1st, that greasy jerk! Jen's monkey name was Mohoney Foulknersteinenhammerinsky, "Mofo" for short. It was funny to hear people call her mofo all night.









You can see that we had the leash, the tassle hat and Mofo even had cymbals! Haha... as the night wore on, it looks like Mofo's brown wore off!

Halloween costume confusion continues...

So I'm having trouble figuring out a costume still!!!

...Here are some past costumes and ideas to chew on.



Princess Leah... Don't really feel like being her this year. Have the outfit, but would feel cliche. Besides, that was a bad year. I fell backwards on the dance floor (later found out Lee had stepped on my foot)... uh, and did some other stuff I don't feel like talking about right now.



Here's me and Rose with our dates. I was Medusa 2 nights in a row. After sleeping in my costume the first night, it was a little uncomfortable the 2nd. I woke up after my boyfriend's class party, had Subway with a rotten tomato in it (almost got ill and didn't eat Subway for 2 years afterwards) and then headed to the pub crawl with Rose and Nancy and company. It was a good time, but got a bit weird when my boyfriend started making out with a Chucky doll (a DOLL, not a person dressed as one! Which doesn't make it much less creepy). And Rose and I got on the wrong bus for a bit. Oops.



This was Medusa from many years ago! I wish I still had the outfit. It was something from the '70s that my mom actually used to wear! (We used to love dipping into Mom's old clothes for costumes. Princess Leah was an old outfit of Mom's. And yes, it had a CAPE. Capes MAKE costumes.)

So Jen and I can't decide what to be. I have some props for sure. Here, Jen models my fun fur and afro. Pretty classic.



Nancy bought this hat in New York this year and is trying to figure out what to wear with it. She said maybe a cape and go as a Medieval man of some sort. I said she should definitely have the cape, of course, and then she should be a Medieval flasher!!!!



See... she could wear something like this guy is under the cape! Not sure if she liked that idea.

Halloween costume confusion

I have no idea what to be for Halloween this year. I'm NOT going as Wayne again (btw, the look on Nancy's face kills in that pic). For one thing, that hat and wig kept coming off whenever I'd do the required headbanging that goes with the outfit (or try do any kind of fancy acrobatics... that doesn't really go with the outfit). So that's not good, not good at all. I require total freedom of movement.

Come to think of it, most costumes don't hold up under the pressure of my Cirque du Soleil-style acrobatic wizardry.

I know you're going to suggest I be a Cirque du Soleil chick for Halloween... BRILLIANT IDEA!

NOT.

I don't have the physique nor the talent to pull something like that off. I can say "excellent", "shwing" and headbang... but the splits, backflips and balancing on someone else's head is just out of my league. Oops, did I just admit that? Uh yeah, I'm not THAT good of a dancer, even though I talk a good game. Sometimes after a few bevvies I may attempt to balance on someone's head, but usually it's MY OWN.

No wonder I wake up with injuries the next morning, the origin of which I have no clue.

Stinky Romans

I must say, Rome was interesting. My camera got pickpocketed by a little boy there. Luckily I noticed and grabbed it back from him. I would have completely freaked out to lose all my pictures!

Everyone either rides a scooter or drives a very small car there. And they drive like snot. I don't know why there are even speed limits posted because none of them pay attention to it!!! And they will ride your ass if you're driving too slow (and I am by no means a slow driver).

The touristy sights are pretty neat, but you'll pay to see them, in time and money. Holy shit, I could NOT believe some of the lineups. I also couldn't believe the stinky budgers. People had the nerve just to go up the line and duck under the rope. I felt like saying something but felt it would be petty. Oh well, it's going to take hours anyways so just suck it up is all I tried to do. There's a picture of only a small portion of the lineup for the Vatican, and one of the lady who was supposed to give us a tour... Uh, then she got arrested. Woops. At least we got ahead in line and then got our money back! I guess in a sense, we budged.

After the Vatican, we stopped for two coffees (plus I had an ice cream). The lady spotted us as tourists and gauged us for 13 Euros. That's like 20 bucks for coffee and ice cream... they even have Starbucks beat!!! They also wouldn't take Visa. And they'd get cranky at your just for asking. I started to miss people who actually appreciated your business. Bizarre.

The subway was hot and stinky. I had to take it for 45mins to and from the conference. Just when you thought you couldn't fit anymore sardines into the tin, a few more would get on. So body parts start to meld together, people's BO almost makes you puke, and some weirdo is giving you googly eyes and you're pretending not to notice. Ugh. It was painful at times.

Rome was neat even though it stunk in many ways. Hey, how can you complain too much when eating pizza, sipping espresso and wine every day!!! Mmmm. Anyways, it was worth muddling through the stinky, cranky people, pickpockets, long lineups and hefty admission charges... that is, at least once in your life. It will probably only be once for me.

Buh-bye Roma.

Hotel Des Alpes

One of my favourite places on our trip was a gem we stumbled on, nestled on the side of a mountain, Hotel Des Alpes.


I could not BELIEVE the view from our room!!! AND we had a balcony too! I was in heaven.




Literally in heaven... In the morning, we were even higher than the clouds.


There was a small ski hill just 3km up the mountain on a narrow winding road with no guard rails and steep drop offs that had Mom pretty scared (ok, me too at times).

















On the way back down we saw some deer.

In retrospect the view was awesome, but the whole experience at the hotel was also impressive. It wasn't just the 8 good-looking Germans that rode in on their motorbikes and sat at the table next to us at dinner and breakfast either;) It was also the man who ran the place, I think his name was Leo? He was soooo nice to us! In the morning when we were checking out he said, "Vous êtes joli." I thought he was posing a question... Are you happy? and I told Mom that's what he'd asked. We responded, "Yes we are, VERY much so thanks."

It wasn't until later when I figured out that joli meant beautiful. Oops. YES. YES WE ARE. Hahaha. Good one.

I'm an idiot.

I'm baa-aack!

Hey everyone! I'm back!

Ok, I'm not THAT excited about being back... although the weather here isn't much different than it was the whole time we were in Italy and France (30+ every day).

There are a lot of stories to tell and I took over 500 pictures! I will try to post some in the next few days, although I do have to get some work done in the meantime so bear with me. Overall I had a great time. The countryside in Italy is breathtaking and seeing Flo in France was pretty great. Not knowing the language very well was a bit of a barrier, but after giving people the usual 'blank stare', they understood that I didn't understand. We also ended up lost a lot, including driving down narrow streets in Sienna where we weren't supposed to be with a car (which became evident since it didn't even fit down some of the streets). We couldn't get out and felt like total rats in a maze. Yikes, it was pretty hairy as I made tight turns and squeezed through narrow streets lined with 3 storey buildings so we couldn't see our way out. If you are ever driving and see the sign "traffico limitato", for God sakes, turn the hell around!!! The downtown part of many of those places have streets that are just wide enough for a scooter or Smart car sized vehicle to get through. People were shaking their fists at us as we meandered through the crowds at one point. When a lady saw that I was on the edge of breaking down in tears, she graciously explained to the most aggressive and vocal fat dude in Italian that we were very lost and then she explained to us in English how to get out. It wasn't that easy. We still couldn't find our way and were scared we'd bury ourselves deeper until we finally found a very very very nice man who told us to follow him in his car. He was a lifesaver. We'd still be there now if it wasn't for him!!!

Funny thing... I just checked the Audi website and watched the movie ad about the car we drove, and it's apparently designed for "maneuvring the downtown maze." It also shows many of the stunts I pulled off in Europe... And here I thought I was a just a good driver!!! There was a reason they didn't have a Yaris that day and we got upgraded after all!