Caught in the Crossfire

This picture kills me. I bet they had to wipe off the camera on that one...

I love the full-on force behind it, to the point where it's coming out of his nose, shooting through the air in almost horizontal fashion, and especially the innocent bystander caught offguard in the projectile crossfire. I bet he needed to wear a neckbrace after that. Imagine that conversation...

What happened to you?

Whiplash.

Car accident?

No.

What?

Hurl. Projectile. Uh, don't ask.

What's in the sausage?

The other day after school I went for a ride and scouted out this spot for our picnic/bbq tomorrow. Nice eh? Just have to snag it somehow...

Today at the Farmer's Market I picked up some turkey sausage for the occasion. I'm not a huge fan of eating animals, and even less of a fan of eating sausage... so put the two together and I'm not 100% sure why I bought it! I was perfectly happy with the prospect of eating a veggie dog. I don't know what it is about sausage... Have you ever seen it being made? There's this sludge made from God knows what body parts that they stuff into this film that looks like a thin layer of skin or even gut epithelium. They could literally put anything in there: shredded cardboard, sewage and even hurl, and as long as they added the right spice mix it would still taste fine and you'd be none the wiser.

I wonder sometimes when I buy "homemade" stuff, what exactly has gone into it. I guess that goes with any prepared foods. I bought prepared dahl makhani once and it had a thick curly black hair in it. I discovered this only AFTER I'd eaten half of it. Ewww. I haven't bought any foods from that particular company since!

So the sausage I bought has salsa and cheese in it. I hope that doesn't mean that the guy making it had been to Julio's Barrio the night before for nachos and then drank a few too many margaritas!

The Dentist

This Far Side cartoon is funny because we've ALL been there.

I'm truly an anti-dentite. I dated a dentist once... At one point I even let him work on my teeth. I was used to a female dentist, so his huge hands made for a very very long and excruciating visit.

I've had way too many excruciating visits, so I hate the dentist with good reason.

You'd think that maybe laughing gas would help. Not. They overdosed me on the stuff once... NO ONE was laughing when they had to suction the puke out of my mouth.

Good times.

You know you're sick when...

You don't even have the energy to sit upright long enough to check your email.

The couch that tends you glue your ass to it on a good day has now become the COUCH OF DEATH.

You watch so much TV that your eyes start to bleed. You prove that there really is something to watch every hour for 12 hours straight.

The huge Lindt Gold Bar you bought is still sitting there on the counter, untouched.

You lay there in fetal position... moaning. The cat stares at you but you keep moaning anyways.

You can feel the bed sores starting to form. Your muscles ache, not from exercise but from lying down too much.

Even though you feel nauseous and can imagine yourself spewing all over the coffee table, you can't seem to muster the energy to get up and get a puke bucket.

You stink, look like hell, just sharted in your PJ's... and couldn't care less.

Rude Awakenings

Most awakenings are rather rude, because who wouldn’t rather sleep most days than have to get up? It gets even ruder when you look in the mirror. At least that’s the case with me, since Puff Daddy has abandoned that name for P. Diddy (or is it only Shawn Combs now?) I’m going to claim the name Puffy or Puff Mama. Some days I stumble into the washroom and look in the mirror and almost fall over. You’d think that doing it every day would reduce my shock but it doesn’t. Someone must rough me up while I’m sleeping, and I don’t mean in a good way.

Then there are the rude awakenings that not only wake you up prematurely, but do so in a rude manner. Some examples of these would be having a bad dream, waking up with your face in a hairy armpit, or opening your eyes and seeing a bum or other body part extremely close up (luckily hasn’t happened to me since I was a kid).

My rude awakenings often include some kind of antics by one of my cats. For instance, a fairly common but revolting way to get woken up is by the sound of a cat puking. The other night my cat was right by my head and I heard that prepuking noise and thought she was going to hurl right on my face!!! I flipped out and she ended up running and throwing up on the carpet by the bedroom door. Another time Flo left some chicken bones on the counter, and one of the cats must have found the bones and dragged them into my room and was rabidly chewing and crunching and slurping right beside my bed at 5am. Then there was the time something startled the cat that was sleeping soundly on my belly. She sprung from belly to face, sprung off there and across the night table and into the closet. Ouch. I was startled once again that morning when I looked in the mirror.

I’ve also been woken up by farts. Sometimes you’re sleeping with a new person (boyfriend or friend) and somehow a fart gets out in the night and shocks you into consciousness. This is ultimate humiliation because you lie there wondering if the other person heard it and if they’re pretending to sleep through it to avoid the embarrassing moment. I mean, if it was loud enough to wake you up then it could have woken up the other person, right? What’s worse is when a fart wakes you up… but not the sound of it, the SMELL. I have never experienced this one, thank God. I have heard of it being grounds for divorce though.

Well, I’m going to bed early. I’d like to wake up refreshed, by my alarm, after a solid night’s sleep. Could happen!

Oh oh-oh I'm Still Alive!

It's pretty cool that I made it through another year. Yippee! And I have a great feeling right down to the bottom of my toesies about this one. I know it's going to be a gooder. Maybe, just maybe, if I'm REAL GOOD, I'll finally make parole!!!

By the way, the New Year's party was a lot of fun. There was wine, but only enough to make my head implode this morning. Although I thought I was going to hurl today when I heard the guy downstairs puke his guts out (forevermore I shall call him "Basement Ralph"). Yikes. Unbeknownst to him, he almost started a vomit chain reaction. I seriously thought I was going to woof my cookies after that. He had been drinking something called "Hypnotics"? I'd never heard of it, that I know of. Anyways, I don't think I made too much of an ass of myself, so I was pleased. Or maybe I should check in with a few people who were there, because sometimes I don't know I've been a dork. Oh well. Bygones. Oh yeah, so there was a bonfire, firecrackers, and sometime in the wee hours we thought it would be fun to play Cranium and then poker (scrabble doesn't really fly with drunk people). Geez, we didn't go to bed until about 6am. Honk shew.

So my first resolution is... you guessed it- no more drinking!!! Actually, I take that back. I'm a realist. Plus, I don't make resolutions. Maybe I should take it a little easy on the ol' brain cells though.

Damn it's going to be a good year!

The Eve of Destruction

I’ve done some stupid things on New Year’s Eve. This is especially true when you put me at a party where I don’t know many people (and I suppose it’s not limited to NYE either). I get nervous and all of a sudden shooters become a good idea. Shortly thereafter, I turn into an uncensored source of one-liners and physical comedy (in my slanted opinion at the time at least), laugh very hard at myself and end up in my 3 foot circle (where if you don’t happen to be in the circle, you don’t exist). And if I’m real lucky, I won’t fall (i.e. ‘jump’ and then fall) down the stairs (part of my physical comedy routine), or puke in their bathroom sink later (frantically trying to force the chunks down the drain while a lineup of drunks doing the peepee dance pound urgently on the door).

This is why I’m extra nervous about the party tonight. I haven’t been an asshole lately, but that doesn’t quell my fear any. Perhaps I’ll call up my friend and ask if she wants to go to the bar instead.

Happy New Year!!!

Hurlworthy schedule

I hate working this much. It's seriously sickening. I don't know how people do it, I need BALANCE! My personal life is so messy it's basically 99% pure MUNG. What is mung anyways? Wayne and Garth didn't even seem to know. And what do they mean on commercials when they say something is 99%pure... What the hell else is in there? Mung perhaps? Like that Ivory soap shit... 99% pure WHAT? And if it's soap, then there must be something else in it that causes it to coat the skin like that. Or is THAT soap scum? Because I never ever knew what soap scum was. Maybe just Ivory users get it in their showers? That would be good to know because I'd rather just stop using the Ivory than buy a special cleaner for soap scum. Woah, tangent...

Anyways, as I was saying, me personal life is seriously neglected. It's like mung that's been hurled up and then left to dry and wither up to some sort of puke-dust on the carpet. Not that I've ever let it get to that point. Although it IS easier to vacuum up that way. But don't use Ivory to clean the carpet or you'll have to get a cleaner to clean the Ivory scum.

Sigh. This is becoming tiresome. My unofficial break is now over... I should have gone for a walk instead. Hindsight. What's done is done and I'm NOT backspacing this hurlworthy entry. Sorry about your luck. You read all this for what? Hahaha. No, I really AM sorry. For everything. Bye.

Let's focus on me.

Time: 9:31pm
Watching: Arrested Development.

Blogging. It's a pretty self-focused activity. Writing... about you and what you do and what you think.

You know what I didn't know? That chick on Arrested Development is dating Ellen Degeneres. Interesting. Simpson's was pretty funny... got a good chuckle at Moe saying: "Here Homer, have a frosty cold glass of forget-about-it." Also laughed ridiculously at the gay bar across the street called "The League of Extra-Horny Gentlemen". Hahaha. Speaking of which, men should date each other. Even straight men... they should have to date a guy before they graduate to dating women. This way they'd get a taste of how men can be to the people they date. You know, walk in our shoes. Oh boy. That was just a HUGE generalization. I realize this. But sometimes it's just so easy to lump all men into the same category. It just seems like there's some similarities that justify generalization. Not that there AREN'T exceptions to the rule, but nonetheless there IS a rule. Wow. I sound so prejudiced. Put any other group or ethnicity in place of 'men' in my comments and it doesn't bode well. Ah who gives a crap anyways... I'm just ranting.

I'm so jealous! My sister went to a conference in Florida recently. I'm not jealous about the weather, she said it was warmer in Calgary than Florida the whole time she was there! What I am jealous about is that she got to see a couple of people speak at this conference, which I realize normally happens at the things. However, the speaker that opened it was John Cleese. Yeah he's pretty famous and pretty funny, but I'm not green with envy over that. It was the person who closed the conference I would have loved to see. Who? Stephen Wright. He is so fricken hilarious. We saw him do his routine in Vegas years ago and it was great. Unfortunately we were soooo drunk that I forget most of it! Yikers. That was a bad night. Anyways, according to my sis, most people didn't know who he is. What the? He's that tall bald headed guy with the curly black shoulder length hair who speaks in monotone. He says things like... I picked up a hitch-hiker once. Told him to buckle up. Said I wanted to try something. I saw it in a cartoon once but I'm pretty sure I can do it.

He cracks me up. Here's a few more of his one-liners...

• Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
• When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.
• Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
• Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
• Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
• Do married people live longer than single people or does it just seem longer?

Anyways, I can't believe that people don't know who the guy is. My sis said she laughed her ass off.

Man I'm so tired. We went out for my friend Kim's birthday last night. And we drank like we still go out every weekend. She was good and fubared. Completely munted. (Munted- Totally pissed/intoxicated. Really out of it due to drinking vast amounts of alcohol.) We had to have the cab pull over a couple of times. Poor girl. But she hardly ate a thing yesterday. And that is a guaranteed hurl-fest. She's pretty humiliated. She ain't no 18 year old. She ain't no rock star either. It was a fun night though. We all just acted like assholes on the dance floor and amused ourselves. Kim's friend was hilarious. He'd do a really tacky 80s type dance (robot-style or whatever it was) and then he'd act like he'd hurt his back real bad. Haha. Back to Kim... the irony was that she told a couple of stories about me earlier that night to her friends and explained that I was a "puker". Uh huh. Poetic. I wouldn't wish that on anyone though.

Me tired. Out.