Easy Come, Easy Go

Get this: If you live in Germany, you can hire a guy to breakup with someone for you! Did you hear about this? I saw him featured in the article The Relationship Grim Reaper. What's next, hiring someone to have sex with your husband for you? Oh yeah, apparently a lot of people do that already, ahem... unknowingly.

Yikes, yikes and... YIKES.

When I started reading about this guy, I thought the whole idea was a total copout. Are people such complete cowards that they have to get someone else to do their dirty work for them? Oops, did I actually pose such a redundant question out loud? MEN would of course!!! They seem to either string us along until we can't take it anymore, or do something unforgivable so that WE have to break up with THEM! I've ranted about this before (Breaking up is hard to do), about how men seem to be missing a specific chromosome, the one that contains the breakup-initiation gene.

If you go to his *website, you'll learn what The Separation Agency is exactly. Apparently, it's "a service enterprising, that especially persons help should, who are in a separation phase. It fells many person increasingly more heavily to transmit unpleasant messages." Um, at least that's what it said when I plugged the German into the free translation webpage. You get the point.

They say that the concept 'separation' is not only restricted to a partnership between two persons, it can apply to the termination of business partnership or working ratios. So bosses can also hire someone to fire you. Also cowardly... C'mon, just Trump up and say the words - You're FIRED!

Then I read a bit more in the article Das Boot from the Times Online...

Mr. Grim Reaper is quoted as saying that he hasn't "seen a single tear since I started this job" and that "We can turn one unhappy couple into two happy singles." Well now that you put it that way... Good times, good times. DUH. Of course they don't shed a tear, they're in total shock! Not only has the breakup come out of left field, but someone ELSE is delivering the stake to the heart. Besides, what man is going to cry in front of another man? If the guy is gone within 15 minutes, I'm betting it takes about 20 for things to set in. "Gee, thanks for letting me know"... shut the door... curl up in the fetal position on the couch and let the wailing begin.

As I read on in the article I found out, to my surprise, that women actually use the service more! Apparently what happens is that they try to break up with the guy, but then he gives those puppy dog eyes and promises to change. Hey girls, we know the drill.

The article went on to say that the internet is great for his business because it's altered the way people view their relationships. "Everything in our society has become disposable. If your relationship isn’t working out, you can find yourself a new one on the internet. Dating agencies have become the most normal thing in the world, so sooner or later there’s going to be a demand for an agency that’ll help you to get rid of a partner too. It’s an unpleasant job, letting someone go, so why not get someone else to do it for you?"

Easy come, easy go?

What is the world coming to? Technology is making it so we don't have to lift a finger to DO ANYTHING.

*The website link to The Separation Agency no longer works... I wonder if he went out of business. Interesting.

Hilarious First Dance

Too bad I sucked at the hip hop lessons... Because this is so cool! Not that I'm planning on having a "first dance" anytime soon. Ahem.

Although I have to agree with Jensies who said, "I kinda want to do that at my wedding if I can still move without breaking a hip." Truer words were never spoken, my friend.

Online Dating: Some Final Words

Last week I featured a few posts from the world of online dating. My dating life has always been kind of like the "when it rains it pours" theory (see former posts: Dating Degrees of Separation and the now famous Escapee returns to nunnery after year-long experiment with dating). So I suppose this wasn't much different, just amped up a bit.

It was definitely an interesting endeavour. It certainly exposes a person to a much wider range of possibilities... Often people that wouldn't dare talk to you in person (could be shy... or because they look like quasi-moto) are sending you a message in cyberspace. There were guys sending me long rambling emails, who didn't care if I emailed them back. There were guys sending short emails, who didn't seem to notice that I didn't email them back, i.e. "Do you have long fingernails?" or "I bet you'd look great in tight jeans." There was seriously not a day that went by when something interesting wasn't going on.

Briefly, I recognized and ended up meeting a guy I'd photographed in a former post! See: Nekedness... The good, the bad and the uggo (and it wasn't the neked neighbour!). He seemed rather fascinated that someone featured his neked self on the net without his knowledge. Oh c'mon, it's not that creepy! Another guy sent me a photo of his penis. He was emailing me pictures of himself and I had specified NO below the belt shots! So when I opened the picture, I had to take a second to lift my jaw up off the keyboard again before I could respond. A couple of days later I emailed him and said, "FYI me and my friends are enjoying your photos..." He was actually surprised that I'd share the photo. C'mon man, there's no way I could pass up telling that story to the girls! Ahem, and then they were all curious...

You need to get past the freaks and have fun with the whole online thing. It's some prime entertainment (and can be addicting, which is why I got out). There are people who will chat with you but never make a move to meet you. They'll even ask to go for coffee and when you agree- nuthin. It's almost like the guys at the bar who collect phone numbers and never call. A fellow online dater used to get very disappointed at some men's inability to follow through. She'd give her number out to several guys who said they'd take her out on the weekend. The weekend rolled around- nuthin. I had to remind her of my motto: Let the cream rise to the top. And it certainly did.

I have never been a multi-dater or that relaxed about dating overall, but I became better at it (with practice;). I have to say, there are some benefits to multi-dating. Us girls can be pretty high maintenance and a little obsessive at times (case in point: The Psychology of Dating). We need a lot of attention! If you date several guys, it's like a perfect world... One brings you flowers, another calls regularly, one jokes around while another braves some pretty deep conversations with you, another takes you out to dinner while yet another is texting/emailing you sweet nothings. Several men = the ideal man!!! The biggest drawback? Like I mentioned in that former post about dating degrees of separation, I hate telling people they aren't right for the job. GUH.

In the end, though, I'm a one-man woman. And that's how it turned out for me... Yay!

Online Dating: Humour Works

Whenever I got an email on the dating site, I'd read it and then go to the person's profile and check it out. This was time consuming but I wanted to be courteous... and thorough (remember, I'm a researcher by nature;). So needless to say (but I'll say it anyways) it took something pretty special to get an actual email back from me.

A fellow female online dater had this to say about it:

Well things that irritate me is getting an email with that kind of "stock" paragraph of info... like you can tell that it's probably something they send to everyone/anyone because a) it's REALLY long and b) there's nothing personal in it. There's no specifics related to your profile at all. I dislike that haha - I'd rather have a one-liner than that. Oh also avoid such witty and smooth emails such as "u r hot" and "i choose you" ... seriously - are these people expecting a response??


So what does get a response? Well, a nice photo helps (it's tough not to answer the Johnny Depp look-alike) ... but humour is definitely where it's at. And then, if you add a side of flattery, I'm clicking that REPLY button faster than you can say 'how YOU doon?' haha.


This is how one guy got a response and just kept the giggles going:

Him: I think I wuv you!!!!!!!!! Dont know how I stumbled upon your profile though

Me: hello... very funny profile!

Him: Thanks....I'm not as retarded as my profile. Just kept it that way cause this site is somewhat retarded & I wanted to fit in lol. Dont worry, your safe with me as long as I take my meds. Besides, running outa places to store bodies lol.

Perhaps that should've scared me away, but it didn't (although I forget what his profile said now).


Sometimes a profile stands out. When this guy emailed, I couldn't NOT respond. This one had me howling with tears rolling down the cheeks... Enjoy :)

Ahhh me… A pocked and shiny sloped brow leads to up to my sparse, unkempt greasy hair which only accentuates my bulbous eyes (left one is a bit of a wanderer)… the best way to describe my nose with its volumous thick hair is “runny”…my tooth is still in pretty good shape and is “sunshine yellow”…I have been trying to grow a moustache for 3 years… I stand almost 5’ and have really let myself go… one of my legs is notably longer than the other which of course makes me a wicked dancer, even if by mistake… If I had friends they would describe me as a simple, humorless, self conscious, irritable loner… Women often say things to me like “stop following me” or “get the hell off me” or “whats THAT smell?”… I have developed somewhat of a resistance to mace and pepper spray…

I can further be describes as “unemployable” and do odd jobs for strait cash so I guess that makes me a bit of an ontrompanuur… I live in my ’86 Astro van (with mags) with my 6 cats and iguana so I am very mobile when I can afford gas…

I further enjoy sitting on your couch and eating your food (spray cheese strait from the can if you really cared)…while having my back hair braided. I enjoy a good tractor pull as much as the next guy especially if i am wearing my favorite old sweat pants sans under garments, white tube socks and a shirt i got out of a beer case 8 years ago...

I enjoy short walks to the fridge, making cat toys from belly button lint and earwax candle making. I recently attended my grade 9 graduation reunion which was held in the parking lot at the 7-11…

You.. you are a super hot virgin nyphomanic heress that can cook like nobodies business and likes to rub my feet while I play poker with the boys...

Hurry! Contact me! This action wont last long...lol

I have been asked to add what my education level is... well i dont have a degree as such but i do have a level 32 shaman on everquest named arcuss... that has just got to count for something. anyone?.. hello?.. is this thing on?


I don't know what it is, but I love it when people say, "is this thing on?" It gets me every time. Thanks dude, that was priceless!

Online Dating: First Dates

Many online sites have a section for first date suggestions. Here are a few that made me chuckle...

good date: we go do something which we can both enjoy so we can be relaxed, have fun and actually get to know a bit about each other.
bad date: i politely tell you i'm not interested, you show up in my foyer with a set of hand cuffs and a rubber mallet.


On our first date I thought it might be fun to Lick each others necks,Dress up like clowns and rob Liquor stores at gun point(of course split the money),,and go for a walk and grab old peoples buttocks,and Jumping naked on a trampoline.


what do i hope to do on a first date?... umm YOU!... duh... next question please... lol... (just joshin.. if you have made it this far you probably either have the same sense of humour as me or are building a legal case against me...lol) ... a quick drink in a cool little spot would suffice...


First, we would meet at Tim Hortons. When our eyes first meet, the electricity, sparks, heat and passion would set off the sprinkler system. We would quickly run out, covering our heads with random strangers coats. Once in the parking lot, we would hop into my Ferrari and whisk ourselves to Jasper, where we would have a lovely day shopping and visiting all the kitschy and touristy places you wanted to see. You would then be kidnapped by a horde of evil ninja's, and be taked hostage. I would mount a daring, James Bond-esque rescue, and we'd barely escape with our lives. Next, we would fly to Vegas, where we'd take in a show or two. After the shows, we'd hit the casino floor, where we'd bankrupt the casino shooting on the high-limit craps table. We'd walk out filthy rich, and own the casino. When we left the casino, Mike Tyson would make a disparaging comment about you, and I would gallantly jump to your defense and mop the floor with him. Finally, we'd fly to Paris and climb the Eiffel Tower and share the most passionate kiss ever experienced on the planet earth as the sun rose in the distance. You'd never be the same, nor would I. It would be love at first sight, and we'd be inseperable for the rest of our lives.

Online Dating: One Man's Opinion

The passage below was actually on a guy's profile. Seriously, this dude NEEDS his own Blog. He's got a little too much to say to the world, like the rest of us bloggers, haha. It's also mildly entertaining at least. I wonder how much action he got from this... To me, there are a few red flags... I counted about 472. Ok, so I wouldn't date him, but I couldn't help but ponder... Will he ever shut up? Do I want him to? Is he completely nuts or does he have valid points despite rays of skewed sarcasm? I imagine a guy like Dennis Leary on the other end of this...

This whole online dating scene has an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7pm instead of 7:30. Entertainment for the caveman was simple: Man kills food, woman burns it, giant pterodactyl swoops down, chases woman, woman falls in mud. A good laugh is had by all. We get Plentyoffish.com.

I don't know why I bought a computer. Computers are ruining the country. Computers and women. And they're quite similar because I don't know how to turn either of them on. You know what I would do if I was Prime Minister? I'd take a big empty province that nobody's using, y'know, like Saskatchewan, and I'd pack every pregnant woman in the country into donut trucks, and convoy 'em all to Saskatoon.

Being a man is all about making mistakes and not caring. Those articles that say married couples have sex every month are just sensationalistic lies perpetrated on the public to sell magazines. It's hooey I tell you, hooey! I'd like a nice juicy steak, medium rare, with little brown potatoes on the right side of the plate, ketchup on the left, where some people waste space with vegetables. And for dessert, a roast beef. Soon my mouth will be alive with dead animals of every race and religion. Feed me, or feed me to something. I just want to be part of the food chain. You know another thing that uh, you know another thing that makes women such a blessing to us? It's like when you're sitting somewhere and they come over to you and say, "What are you thinking?" And you start thinking, "Y'know, if I wanted you to know, I'd be talking." But you actually can't say that to 'em or they'll kill you. And they're allowed to, see it's that whole period, p.m.s. thing. I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I think that p.m.s. stands for "Pummel Men's Scrotums".

Yeah, doggone it, if we men could only be comfortable with our age like you darn gals. You know, I mean, in the morning you go into the bathroom, a little blush, a little mascara and voila, you got an old woman scared of rain. Then you try to clean and jerk your breasts into a bra, ease some exercise pants over that front and back belly, go down to the market and flirt with the bagboy. I guess what I'm trying to say is it's just pretty pathetic when we guys try to cling to our youth. You know, when you share a bathroom with a woman, you got nylons hanging on the curtain rod, you got Nair where the toothpaste should be, a bottle of vinegar lying around. I mean, what do they do in there, make a salad?

Britney really did used to be kinda sweet and likable. It seems hard to remember now but it really was true. Remember? Christina was the tramp and Jessica had no career and Britney was the****tease jailbait virgin who outsold both of them put together. It was a simpler time in North America I like to refer to as 2003.

I speak with wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who goes blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. I'm not looking for a girl with a deep throaty laugh like the sound a dog makes just before he throws up. When I speak to my sweetie, I wanna hear bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up. Love should hurt, like the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall. I'm not looking for anyone with vocabulary as bad as, like, whatever. The brain doesn't need blood, it just needs to be kept wet. I'm a living example of how the brain doesn't really need blood to work. They call me Flipper... Flipper...

Lawn sales and garage sales are based on the bigger idiot theory. You know, you sell things so dumb, that some bigger idiot would buy it. But the flaw on that theory is that eventually, you will get to the head idiot. And unfortunately she is some poor sap's wife.

You know what I need, someone who can swing a bat and look good doing it. Baseball is a Canadian tradition, like fathers chasing their sons with power tools. I'm looking for someone I can go out and enjoy doing things with. I work alot and in my spare time I enjoy going to the gym. Fitness is important to me, people should take care of themselves. My other interests include playing mixed slo-pitch in the summer and trying to get the odd golf game in. I'm not very good at golf but I enjoy going out and cursing and throwing clubs around.

I'd like to thank my mom and dad for their good genes, I wanna thank God too, word to Jesus. I tend to make up my own words, or spell old words in some super awesome way, don't argue, just go with it. Thank you and god bless.

I get asked why I'm single and I try to think up all the reasons why, or I come up with some witty answer that deflects how I really feel. The bottom line is that I fell hard for someone I was interested in a few years back and quite honestly I'm not over it in that I didn't like how it ended or how I acted which resulted in that outcome. If I could go back in time, I would change a lot of things that happened. I think you meet someone very special on so few occasions in life and I think you truely realize how special they are when they aren't around anymore.

I hate Christmas. The mall is full of nothing but women and children. All you hear is, "I want this", "Get me this", "I have to have this"... and then there's the children. And they're all by my store 'cause they stuck the mall santa right outside ringing his stupid bell. As if you need a bell to notice a 300-pound alcoholic in a red suit. "Ho, Ho, Ho" all day long. So, nice as I can be, I go outside, ask him to shut the hell up. He takes a swing at me. So I lay a hook into his fat belly and he goes down. Beard comes off, all the kids start crying and I'm the badguy. But Christmas isn't the time for regrets, that's what anniversaries are for.

First Date? Nothing as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that is actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a landmine or something.

There's no answer that can go here that isn't sappy or makes absolutely no sense. So I'll just say the perfect first date would be one that didn't involve death or sex or chocolate-covered midgets. Something fun and goofy, like stealing cookies from 7-11 then eating them by candlelight behind a dumpster, while being serenaded by a rabid pack of gophers wearing old navy jeans and coca-cola sunglasses.

You think I'm a loser? Because I have a stinking job that I hate, a family that doesn't respect me, and a whole city that curses the day I was born? Well, that may mean loser to you, but let me tell you something. Every day when I wake up in the morning, I know it's not going to get any better until I go back to sleep. So I get up, I have my watered-down Tang and my still-frozen Poptart. I get in my car with no gas, no upholstery, and six more payments. I'll never play hockey like I wanted to. I'll never know the touch of a beautiful woman. And I'll never know the joy of driving through the city without a bag over my head. But I'm not a loser. Because, despite it all, me and every other guy who'll never be what we wanted to be, is out there, being what we don't want to be, forty hours a week, for life. And the fact I didn't put a gun in my mouth years ago - that little fact makes me a winner baby!

I don't celebrate birthdays or holidays. Oh sure, it causes irrepairable emotional scars. But it saves a few bucks on presents. I'm not perfect, but I'm working on it.

Should you choose to date me... I do solemnly swear to refrain from hitting on or flirting with other women. I shall not speak to another female, except as expressly permitted by you. I will not turn off my cell after two pints, nor shall I consume above the allowed volume of alcohol without first phoning for a taxi and calling you for a verbal waiver of said alcohol allowance. I understand that even if permission is granted to go out, you retain the right to be pissed off with me the following week for no valid reason whatsoever. I acknowledge my postion in life. I promise to abide by your rules and regulations. You reserve the right to obtain and use my credit cards whenever you wish to do so. I hereby promise to take you on an unlimitted shopping spree should I not return on agreed upon times. On my way home, I will not pick fights with strangers. Upon my return home, I promise not to urinate anywhere other than in the toilet. I addition, I will refrain from waking you up, breathing my vile breath in your face, and attempting to breed like a rabbit.

Haha!

Online Dating: Intro

Scott Adams, you kill me... (http://www.dilbert.com/)

Not too long ago, I checked out the online dating scene… God, between the photos and what people write about themselves, it’s literally HOURS of entertainment. This week I’m going to feature some profiles and uh, maybe some of my own stories on this theme. We'll see.

And because people's profiles are anonymous on these sites and they have no copywrites (wah ha ha ha!) they will not be credited. Too bad, because some are quite funny... Although in some cases, they’ll be glad that NO ONE knows their identity!

Why? We just want to know WHY...

Jerry Seinfeld once said, "I think when you first start dating, they ought to give you 3 ‘Get out of Relationship Free’ cards so you can just go up to the person and say, 'Uh, here you go. I’m sorry. I’ll grab my tennis racquet. Don’t get up. Best of luck…'"


A while ago, a guy I was dating decided he didn't want to date me anymore. Ouch. He must've thought he had a stash of "Get Out Of Relationship Free" cards because he gave me absolutely no explanation. When I asked WHY, his exact words were (and I can quote him because he broke it off by email... sheesh): "Sorry but that's one question I won't answer...just because of past experiences I've learned some things are better left unsaid."


It would be really handy in life to get away with that answer.

Boss: Why are you late for work?

You: Sorry but that's one question I won't answer...just because of past experiences I've learned some things are better left unsaid.

You: Doc, why do I have raging diarhea?

Doc: Sorry but that's one question I won't answer...just because of past experiences I've learned some things are better left unsaid.



Woman: How many sex partners have you had?

Man: Sorry but that's one question I won't answer...just because of past experiences I've learned some things are better left unsaid.

Woman: Have you ever had a one night stand?

Man: Sorry but that's one question I won't answer...just because of past experiences I've learned some things are better left unsaid.

Woman: Have you ever had sex with my sister?

Man: Sorry but that's one question I won't answer...just because of past experiences I've learned some things are better left unsaid.

Woman: How about a donkey?

Man: Sorry but that's one question I won't answer...just because of past experiences I've learned some things are better left unsaid.

Woman: Have you ever had an STD?

Man: Sorry but that's one question I won't answer...just because of past experiences I've learned some things are better left unsaid.

Woman: Do you have an STD infection right now?

Man: Sorry but that's one question I won't answer...just because of past experiences I've learned some things are better left unsaid.

Woman: Do you wanna have sex right now?

Man: YES!

Woman: Do you have a condom?

Man: Sorry but that's one question I won't answer...just because of past experiences I've learned some things are better left unsaid.



Ok, so I know guys avoid being honest so they can dodge all sense of responsibility... and possible waterworks. But if us women aren't given any reason, we make up all sorts of stuff in our heads. Maybe my breath smelled or he thought it was weird how I rambled on about poo or he saw my butt in those bad jeans which I can never ever wear again or he misunderstood what I said about hurting kittens...

Blah blah blah. Guess I'll never know.

Ramblings from a messy desk... and even messier head

Optimism.
The other day I told someone that my brain was half empty. But I'm an optimist, so I like to think of of my brain as half full...

Dating.
I always forget the meaning of 'later' as in when a guys says, "call you later". In girlspeak, it means "later TODAY"... in boyspeak it could mean 'later today' (not likely), 'later this week' or even 'later, in our next life'.

Pedestrians.
Why are they so stunned? Could they walk any slower across the street while everyone WAITS? Some of them even run to get to the crosswalk and then revert to slow-mo as they cross. The music playing in my car even slows down as I wait. Sometimes I clean my car, make a few phone calls and paint my nails while they cross. People, snap out of it!

Cars.
Well, I totalled my car for the umpteenth time. Yeah, that's right: umpteenth. My little Honda gave in like it was made of tin foil. Oh yeah, I think it might be. The guy who hit it was Asian, 82 years old and didn't speak English. His car (the torpedo/tank) was unharmed during the incident. Freakin indestructible. Methinks my next car should be a 1995 Volvo.

Vitamin C.
I love vitamin C pills. Chalk full of fake orange goodness. Yum. Hmm, maybe that's why my dentist asked why there was no more enamel on my molars...

Nectarines.
Why do I always get suckered into buying them at the grocery store? Every effen year. Somehow they go straight from rock hard to rotten. Every effen time. Slow learner.

Ice Cream.
I figured out why my Dad has ice cream left in the freezer from when I visited two weeks ago. This had me puzzled. The trick? Keep the freezer so cold that it's literally impossible to scoop more than half a centimetre of ice cream out at a time. Pretty soon you give up. And then try to straighten out the spoon handle.

Quote of the Day.
"I'm trying to turn down the suck in my life, and turn up the awesome." - Jensies

Optimism, again, sorta.
And if at first you don't succeed, keep tryin' (to turn down the suck). Someone please tell me, where's the freakin' knob already???

You (heart) you!

Why do a lot of couples look alike? Do you love the way you look sooo much that you'd 'do' the opposite sex version of yourself? Wow, that's some self-lovin' taken to a whole other level.

Many people say they're looking for the female/male version of themselves. Same interests? Same personality? You'd want that? I don't get it. I mean, I like myself enough but hanging with me all the time would drive me nuts! Sure, we'd laugh double hard at our own jokes... But all of my bad habits, they'd be double annoying! Intellectual conversations? We'd always be agreeing. That's no fun! The potential for procrastination would be bloody scary. And well, the relationship would probably never even get off the ground in the first place because both of us would be too timid to make the first move! Krike.

The point is that you're with yourself 24/7, why not hang out with someone different?

Some people must love the hell outta themselves.

The Female Cycle

Click image to enlarge.

I thought this diagram may help some of the men out there. If you know when menstruation is, then you can figure out when your chances are best for gettin' some and when you should just give up and buy her chocolate!

Of course, it varies somewhat from woman to woman, so use this guide at your own risk...


Note: The reference to Brad Pitt in no way infers that you need to look like Brad Pitt to have a shot at tappin' that during this "amorous" period in her cycle. However, if you're going to test this theory, a little alcohol may greatly improve your odds.

Warning: Further to the statement of using this guide at your own risk, it should be reiterated that if she's drunk and ovulating, your odds of being called "Daddy" in the near future also increases substantially.

Romance is Dead

I've been downloading songs to make my parents some CDs for their 45th wedding anniversary. (Shhh Dad, don't tell Mom:)... Normally I'm fairly cheese-resistant and especially like to make fun of sappy shit whenever the chance arises (i.e. get up and hurl in the corner)(for reference, see: The 80s called. It wants its music back!).

However, listening to all these old songs from my childhood is totally choking me up.

*Cough*

*Sputter*


Here I sit, listening to the CDs I've made. I stare at spreadsheets of P values and normality tests, examining the skewness and kurtosis of my data through eyes bubbling over in tears. Occasionally I'll belt out "nobody does it better, makes me feel sad for the rest, nobody does it quite the way you do..." or "Baby you left me defenseless. I've only got one plea, lock me away, inside of your love and throw away the key. I'm guilty, of love in the first degree..."

I hope no one can hear me out in the hallway. Eek. Ok, you can come back from the corner now. Those stains had better wash out!!!

God, what's happening to me?

I haven't heard any songs that tug my heart strings quite like these oldies do. Maybe the fact that they're from my childhood, they tap into an innocence and vulnerability that's been part of a huge covert cover-up operation in the works for decades. My heart is a secret agent. Haha.

Or maybe romance truly is dead. Years ago we expected tough times and worked through them. We knew that love prevailed. Nowadays people just want a strings-free roll in the hay and bail if things aren't automatically "easy".

By text. Email. Post-it note. Easy.

"Days may not be fair, always. That's when I'll be there, always. Not for just a an hour, not for just a day, not for just a year... but always."

Sniffle sniffle. Get a hold of yerself girl!!! *SLAP* Phew. Jeaysus, I'd better put on some System of a Down or something. Krike.

Relationship Haikus

These are a few words about my past romantic relationships, summed up chronologically in Haiku. Not sure why I did this little writing exercise, but it was kind of fun. If you were an ex (of sorts) of mine, I wonder if you'd be able to guess which one you were?

Anyways, enjoy the carnage.


Older by nine years
Cute and so very funny
I wasn’t ready

He a short redhead
Me so completely naïve
What a total jerk

My brain still scrambled
His intentions wonderful
Nice guys finish last

Odd but so sexy
He broke down the walls swiftly
And then broke my trust

He was the cat’s ass
Impeccable in all ways
Well, maybe not all

He was persistent
And many great times followed
Then too much distance

He was everything
The previous one was not
He cracks me up still

Gentle eyes met mine
Incredible chemistry
He wasn’t ready

Drawn in by his charm
Intrigued by his heart and mind
Then it killed the cat

Don't run unless you're being chased and other random thoughts for the day...

As I was sitting in the bakery today, it occurred to me that one major problem with running is that there is no destination. With biking, you can call up a friend and say, "Hey, you wanna bike to the bakery or to the ice cream shop?" It provides two things- motivation AND a destination. Ahem, then you wonder why your waistline still expands in spite of all that exercise...

In the past some people have inferred that I'm too picky when it comes to men. Um, if someone says they don't like maple walnut ice cream, would you tell them they're too picky? Yeah I thought not. It's simply a matter of taste.

A friend of mine told me the other day that he got a million dollar idea-- a book called "The Tao of Dating." I asked if he actually knew enough about dating to give advice on it and he admitted he'd probably have to get someone else to write it. Uh huh. Then he found out by searching the net that someone had already thought of it. Bummer. He must feel like a cool mill just got suddenly and violently snatched right out of the palm of his hands...

I went out for dinner recently and my date picked the place. When I pointed out that it was very expensive, he said "Don't worry about it, it's my treat." It was a treat alright, wow $$$! So now I can't break it off for at least another 2 dates. Geez. Or maybe one if I pay this time, enabling me to unpack from this guilt trip I've sent myself on...

So when does a boy become a boyfriend? In other words, at what point does your bedroom boyfriend become your social boyfriend? And why is that conversation so difficult to have?

Why is it that whenever people see a guy and girl together, they automatically assume they're a couple? I hang out with male friends a lot, but only date every once in a while. It probably looks terrible to the folks at my fave digs. I show up at a restaurant with 4 different guys in one month and the staff are probably thinking I really get around! Or that I have a more exciting life than I actually have. Uh, and that I have extremely varied taste in men.

Back to the running thing, someone once said, "Don't run unless you're being chased." Maybe that's the problem, I run too fast. There's no destination though. Oops.

Honesty is the best policy

I've always thought that being up front was the best way to be in my relationships with people. I'd rather have someone be honest with me that I have a hanger in my nose, my breath stinks or that I should go change into a pair of jeans that are a little less honest about showing the actual size of my rear end. However, when I turn the tables, I have trouble telling people these things. I try to live by the rule to treat people the way I wanted to be treated, but then I fall short here a little.

But c'mon, there's a limit to how honest you should be with someone. For instance, before a friend goes out for the evening, you probably shouldn't say, "Man, do you ever look rough. Have you been getting enough sleep lately?" At that point there's really nothing they can do about the situation and you'll just make them feel like a sizable pile of steaming doodoo. On the other hand, I can go change my jeans. Hopefully I can find a pair that look better though. If not, then it may be another half an hour of having a fit before I finally throw my hands up in the air and pour another glass of wine. So uh, good intentions are great and all, but a little judgment is needed there...

There are certain things that people tell me that just stick there in my head forever. For instance, I'd heard before that everyone has an ugly side (and I'm not talking about character-wise). I mean an ugly side of their face. Block half of your face and look in the mirror, and then block the other half and you may be able to determine which side is the fairer one and which one would turn the opposite sex to stone. Anyways, so I knew all this when I'm in the passenger side of a friend's truck and he turns to look at me. Then he cringes and says this: "Yeah, that's definitely your ugly side."

Ever since then, whenever I'm in a car with a guy, I'm the one cringing at the thought that he's looking at my quasi-motoish side the whole time. Geez, I'd really be in trouble by the end of a long road trip! Y'see, there's no way to shield my face like I can hide my butt with a long shirt or baggy pants or by just not walking away from them, ever. I can't exactly don a balaclava or a clown mask whilst riding in the passenger seat of my date's car...

This leaves me in a quandry. Do I insist on driving all the time? Perhaps I'll just have to turn and face him constantly while pointing out things for him to look at outside the car. Or maybe, just maybe, I could try have such a sparkling personality that he doesn't even notice :)

Date a weirdo or don't date?

This is why I don't date:

T.O. woman turns in fugitive American boyfriend.

She was engaged to a killer and didn't even know it until he revealed his true identity to her and she Googled him.

There are a lot of weirdoes out there, and I'm not talking about the type of weirdoes who post pictures of themselves making faces on the Internet. That type may be annoying but they wouldn't do stuff to people or animals just because they had the inclination to and could.

The woman did the right thing. She was either a strong person or had doubts about the guy in the first place. In which case, why would she be engaged to the guy? Anyways, some women will do anything to get and keep a man, so I was very impressed.

What about the lengths people will go to in order to avoid risking their comfy single status quo for love? These people usually take a worst case scenario and use it to justify their behaviour.

The Psychology of Dating

A friend of mine recently had a date with a guy who has actually caught her interest. This is an excerpt from the conversation we had about it. Of course, this was after I quizzed her about whether she got lucky or not... C'mon, I have to ask!!!

her: now i don't know what to do. normally i don't like them so it's not a problem!
me: how so? what do you have to do? why do you have to do anything?
her: oh i don't know. just not sure what to do about it all in general!
me: what do you mean? you've been looking for someone to like for quite a while now and now you like someone… what is the prob
her: well because NOW i have to deal with all the crap. is he going to call, when is he going to call, does he like me, why hasn't he called, OH GOD HE DOESN'T LIKE ME
haha
or ... something
me: i know the drill. you just jogged my memory on why I HATE liking someone.
her: exactly! you almost hope you DON'T like them
me: you said it sista. it's kind of exciting when you do
her: yeah… and terrifying
me: even though it takes over a normally sensible girl and turns her in a total FREAKAZOID MONSTER
her: exactly

Wise words about VD

If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it... If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey... It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter... She won't get sick if you wrap your dick... If you go into heat, package your meat... Cuff your carrot before you share it...

Err, that wasn't quite what I meant, but it got your attention didn't it!? I was actually referring to the impending Valentine's Day of course (the stores are already shoving it down our throats) ... And yeah, every year I make the SAME joke. Is it getting old yet?

John Lennon said, "We've got this gift of love, but love is like a precious plant.... You've got to keep watering it. You've got to really look after it and nurture it."

The problem is that a lot of people suck at caring for plants! They don't water it until they finally notice that it's wilting, about to enter that botanical garden in the sky, going leaf to leaf with the greenery grim reaper. Then they drown the thing in an attempt to bring it back from that kind of action. This attempted drowning is akin to Valentine's Day.

C'mon folks, just water your plants REGULARLY. We don't need a commercial holiday (especially one that doesn't come with a day off) to remind us to take care of our love lives... and at the same time make both singles and couples all over the world feel like losers because no one can live up to the hype.

Girls, let's raise the bar!

I think I’ve discovered why women can have some pretty low standards when it comes to dating and relationships. What do women talk about when they get into their pow-wow formations? They exchange war stories! There’s a lot of talk about ‘his did this’ or ‘he did that’ and then group speculation and avid debate about whether that’s acceptable and whether she should kick his ass to the curb or not.

Face it, these stories are usually not of the warm-fuzzy variety.

What happens is that we start to lower the bar due to a contrast effect with our friends’ horror stories. (Incidentally, I think the contrast effect works the other way around for men… since they don’t tend to talk to each other, they end up comparing their girl/relationship to a totally unreasonable rendition of an ideal relationship, i.e. some combination of pure porn fantasy and Hollywood-type romance.)

So here is how it generally plays out... When something unsavoury happens to us (i.e. get stood up) - our mode of comparison is "Janie" (who’s man didn’t just stand her up, he stood her up on her birthday) and "Melanie" (who’s hubby also stood her up, but did so because he was cheating on her with another woman)! Suddently a simple/innocentish misunderstanding doesn’t seem so bad. I mean, all his excuses sounded completely legit… Ahem.

Just think if us girls exchanged the BEST stories ever about our current and past loves… Just think of what our current guy would have to live up to! Then, if he served us disappointment sandwiches from the get-go, we’d know right away that the guy is a hopeless case (perhaps just a bad cook by nature) and not even worth a chance! Huck that disppointment sandwich and the guy who made it, and go get yourself a 5 star chef.

A good example of this was my one friend who used to always complain about her boyfriend (now husband) to me. I was always hearing the crap about him and wondered why the heck she stayed in this miserable relationship. This is what girls do; they only whine and complain about their relationship, and we really hear about it when it’s to the point of MAYDAY MAYDAY! I finally said, "Please PLEASE tell me SOMETHING good about him and your relationship" because I was about two horror stories away from hunting him down and giving him a VERY STERN talking-to, that might have involved either torture or paying him off to leave her alone. She proceeded to tell me quite a few stories sweet things he’d done… And it was nice to hear, but then I begged her to stop! It was sickeningly sweet. Seriously, I think I threw up a little in my mouth.

However, amidst my green-ish haze, I found a glimmer of hope. That's right, HOPE.

Girls, we need to raise the bar. And that bar needs to be somewhere between complete jackass and over-the-top, totally unrealistic Hollywood love story.

Relationships... struggling through or just trying to have one!

My friends crack me up. Here are a few gems from emails I've recieved from them about the opposite sex, dating and relationships. I hope they don't mind that I've quoted them here!

I am looking for a super smart hotty to support me in my pursuit of the ultimate slack ... jeffereson darcy from married with children style!

At least you can find people to date ...... I have some serious drought issues… I have two kinds of friends... male whores and couch potatoes… none of which provide access to normal girls.

She has a new grad student that's going to start in January that she's bringing to the lunch. IT'S A BOY!! Shoulda worn the extra pushup bra today ... dammit!

My date started at 8 and i ended it at 9:30 haha - so there's nothin to tell there just went for a beer. pretty exciting. he wanted to do somethin like watch a movie or whatever but I'm tired and don't really give a crap. basically I'm just a bad date haha … well I didn't say the give a crap part. just that I had to do some stuff cuz it's busy this week (which it is)… but really what I meant is that I just needed to not do HIM haha. I'm going to hell.

I feel like I never just sit idle except when i go to bed..and even then I am talking talking talking away. Every night [my hubby] has to tell me to settle down hahahah… and the only way I'll do that is if he rubs my bum. HAHAHAHa… I can't believe I just told you that.

Yeah...well we had a good weekend. Lots of farting… so that was a good bonding weekend. Yeah..i was farting without telling him while we were hiking, and I was sure to be in front of him so that it would blow in his face. Hahaha. And they were real ass hair burners… and he'd just go..."OHHHH GOD" hahah. I had a shirt tied around my waist and so when I farted… I would lift my shirt to be sure that the whole fart was released and not lost. Haha I laughed so much... not dissipated too much before contact. As I was hiking... I had to stop and sit.. I was laughing so hard… because I was trying to be discrete...hahah and not let him know and only let him discover the stench. Anyway..so it was a good bonding weekend.

>Is the “walk of shame” actually a walk of shame if you didn’t have sex???
uh-oh hahaha .... why do you ask? I think it may still qualify if you look like crap, to the point where someone might just assume you did have sex.

We went out for dinner... [then later] smooched a bit, more smooching and goodnight. Then went over sunday night watched a movie, major smooching, no skin... loving it. Then he came by on Wednesday night when I was closing the store. we went for a beer. Went back to [his house] for some smooching, a bit of skin was exposed this time, holy crap, he's hot...

He was very sweet with his latest thoughts over the phone yesterday... too bad the connection was crap! you lose a bit of the moment when he's pouring his heart out to me & I keep having to ask "What?" because stupid phone keeps breaking up. It was actually almost comical... poor guy!

I should parent or something, the wife is working tonight. The kid was playing with a bunch of beanie babies that her grandma sent. She just finished calling and thanking them. Now she is practicing with matches or knives. I don't know, I am downstairs.

I think I'll start nursing again out of desperation to shrink the muffin top - Meathead says it's more like a cupcake - which is a compliment from him. He's lost 7lbs in 5 weeks (gone from 3 chins to 2 chins).

I haven't seen him in over 2 weeks now, this is ridic. It's classic alright, can you say "stringing me along"? Might as well have a leash around my neck... although if he had a leash on me, at least I'd get to see him. Or maybe I have the leash, and he's not holding it. Holy, symbolic. So the only thing keeping me there.... is ME. Depressing. I've talked myself into a depression just now. Thanks for letting me talk to me.

And finally... this one cracks me up because it so totally points to the miscommunication between men and women:

Yup, things were going along great. [My male friend] and I even chatted about my boyfriend and how he [the friend] was hoping there'd be lots of pretty girl at the Halloween party bla bla bla, and how he knows we're just friends. Unfortunately at the end of the night he tried to kiss me AGAIN!!! AWKWARD! He did come by the next day and apolagize. Then he said it was my fault because I was sending mixed signals. Apparently this is because I asked him to come up on the way home... yes that is true... but we both had slices of pizza in a box to go and it seemed to be the thing to do to invite him up to eat.(trust me at the end of a night of drinking I don't really put much thought into anything!) When he came up stairs we ate and argued about universities. Personally I wouldn't say that's "temptress" conversation, but what do I know, I was drunk! I did bring this up but he said it was my body language too and that I was leaning towards him. Well, this may be true, but it was probably more a case of me teetering drunk on the floor pillow. So really in my mind it was nothing but apparently it depends on the interpretation. I guess the moral of the story is not to invite guys up at the end of the night if they are just "friends". Doesn't anyone have any self control any more? Or was I really out of line?

One more... I'm not sure where the heck this quote came from:

Positive thought for the day...
When you feel that nobody loves you,
Nobody cares for you,
And everyone is ignoring you,
You should start asking yourself...
... Am I TOO sexy?