Confusion for Comedy Movie-Goers

When planning a night out at the theatre, it can be a daunting task to choose where to spend your precious time and hard-earned dollar. This is particularly true for comedies. I think it's because comedies aren't usually high quality productions. People's sense of humour also varies tremendously. People who loved Naked Gun may hate Ace Ventura. People who loved Deuce Bigelow may hate The Big Lebowski. It makes no logical sense and cannot be predicted. You can only tell by actually watching the show. No way around it.

Case in point. Below is a typical breakdown of how a comedy may be rated by the general public.

Current rating: 2.93 / 5

Total Votes: 1,115

• DAMN GOOD MOVIE with some very funny moments!!!
  
• Excellent movie, all my friends enjoyed it, A MUST see comedy.
  
• Good start that loses momentum by the final half hour.Not as biting as Spinal Tap,but some good chuckles.
  
• amazing soundtrack, this movie is worth seeing
  
• great movie, dirty humour but the soundtrack is seriously a 6 out of 5, really great!
  
• hilarious!!!!! worth the price of admission!
  
• I would have gave it 5 stars. But the full frontal nudity was a bit much!
  
• Hilarious haven't laughed that hard in a while. If you dont think this is a funny movie than there is something wrong with you. This is a must see comedy!
  
• Excellent comedy - laughed through the whole thing! worth the money to go to the theatre!
  
• Best movie!! Wow is all I have to say
  

Well, that seems like a total winner! I can't say that full frontal nudity is a deterrent for me. And usually, if enough people say it was funny, then it's probably a gooder. Uh, except for Knocked Up… That was BAD. I got duped by my friends on that one!!!

Anyways, it's all good until you look at see that about 1/3 of the people thought it was great and 1/3 thought it was awful!!!

***** 30.43%

**** 13.04%

*** 6.52%

** 19.57%

* 30.43%

Read on…

• I found it entertaining, but nonetheless, HORRIBLE. A laugh at movie, not a laugh with one.
  
• It could have been a lot better had there not been the raw nudity. it started off funny and myself and my darghter and my new son-in law were laughing until they started showing such raw nudity. that stuff doesn't belong on the movie screens of America .a country founded on God where around 80 % of the population claims to be christians!!!!
  
• This was the worst movie I have seen by far. The beginning was quite funny, but very soon I stopped laughing and was in awe at how bad it was. It was the worst spoof I have ever seen. It was like an extended Mad TV skit gone horribly wrong. The fact that celebrities and artists I admire actually agreed to be part of this film blows my mind. It was 1 1/2 hours of my life I can never get back.
  
• 96 minutes of my life I will never get back. If must see it, wait for the DVD
  
• One word "Horrible!" Not funny at all!
  
• one stupid movie!!! only 2 stars...some parts r really funny...but just wait till it come on dvd..rent it..not worth watchin this while there r so many other good movies playin as well...dont bother watchin this movie..IT AINT GOOD!
  
• Who could possibly find anything funny about this movie! I went in with high hopes and left without haveing laughed once. The odd smirk was the best I could do. Too bad; wait for the DVD,
  
• Horrible, Waste of my time and money!
  
• Not funny! Worst comedy i have seen in a while! Dont waste your money or time!
  

Which movie was it? Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story. What to do, what to do…

Update: Guess what? We trepidatiously handed over 25 bones last night to see the story of Mr. Dewey Cox... And I know what you're thinking - $25?!? I know, I almost crapped in my pants. It was TUESDAY. What the hell happend to 2.50 Tuesday? LOL. Ok, I'm showing my age now... Anyhoo. Back to the guess what thing -> As we walked into the theatre, I saw the poster for the movie. It was from the makers of Knocked Up and Superbad! GULP. As you may know, I didn't like Knocked Up and I heard that Superbad was super BAD.

So trepidation may not be the right word... IMPENDING DREAD may have been more like it.

(Ahem. I'm making a very short comment incredibly LONG here.)

Dewey Cox, I'm happy to report, was really very funny!!! We were chuckling about some parts for hours afterwards, which is a definite sign of a good comedy. There was a lot of subtle humour mixed with a little more obvious stuff. And the full frontal nudity wasn't over-the-top at all. It was quite appropriate for the humourous intent. I don't find nudity offensive anyways... except maybe when it's my neked neighbour...

Why I wear board shorts

Photo: TMZ.com

I'm not a frequenter of gossip sites, but after reading Jennifer Love Hewitt's comments on this butt shot of herself, I had to check it out. I feel bad for her. No one wants their badonkadonk on display like that for the whole world to see. Good for her I say! She says she loves her body and that rocks.

However, this is exactly why I wear board shorts and not bikini bottoms. Ya see, problem areas all covered up!

Photo: KillerDana.com

If you read this blog ever, you know about my rear-end issues. After seeing that photo I may feel bad for Miss Hewitt, but I feel good for the rest of us girls. All we ever see out there in the media regarding the female form is perfection. Men, on the other hand, see many more naked female bodies than us straight women ever do, perhaps that's why they're much less "picky" about our perceived imperfections. Or, as one male friend of mine said - if you're looking at a set of naked boobs, you're just happy to have naked boobs in front of you and not so picky about what they look like. Good point.

Frankly, I don't think seeing people at their worst is nice at all, we don't need that. But I do think it's refreshing to see REAL. Just a peek at the un-professionally dressed and makeup-ized, un-photoshopped/airbrushed versions of real people would be quite fine thank you!

As for me... Bikini bottoms may be cute on cute bottoms, but I'll be the girl on the right, thank you very much!

Photo: MsOutdoor.com

So um yeah... while I was cruising board shorts, I kinda ran across these photos. And well, you know my policy on gratuitous male nudity? Ahem, and if not then you do now!

Photo: Swim-Shop.com

Yowzers! ... I do prefer board shorts over any kind of skivvies on men, but I'm not going to complain! Nope.

Neked Neighbour... and other hot weather nekedness

Well, neked neighbour was at it again. He was out on his balcony, a feast for the eyes of us innocent young ladies who happened to notice from my balcony across the street. This time I caught him with my new and improved camera zoom lens. I bet you love me for that!!!



One word mister: "Sunscreen". It looks like he pulled a little George Hamilton without the base tan. At least it's a farmer type of burn, which would indicate that he was wearing clothes, unlike in this photo. Once again the discussion ensued: Was he really naked? And once again we came up with no real answer. He stayed behind his BBQ the whole time. And we were grateful.

It seems like the hot weather brings the people out of their homes... and clothes. Sometimes it's a little hard on the eyes, but sometimes I can't complain. And, I figure since I haven't posted any male gratuitous nudity on the blog lately, I should really share what I ogled last Saturday on 17th Ave in Calgary. God I love the zoom on my camera!



I really shouldn't burst the fantasy bubble, but he kind of did for me when he walked into the Starbuck's after taking his photo. He was all of about 5'4". Not that there's anything wrong with that. But he's definitely mini, if you're not...

And I'm not.

It didn't really matter. Still good ogling material. Nice tat too... I mean nice tat, too. Haha.

I will try to do better!

I've had a few complaints about my blog topics lately. First, it was the naked men. On several occasions (In appreciation of Aussies and Rude!) there were some fairly revealing photos of mostly naked men. My male friends had trouble reading my posts at work for fear of being discovered oogling scantilly clad hotties (err, except in the case of the Rude! photo, eeek!) followed by being reprimanded and/or ridiculed.

In fact, the Aussies were so unappreciated that one of the conversations with a male friend went like this:

him: so yeah .... how bad did your blog suck the other day?
me: which one, the aussie one?
him: easy on the scantily clad males in their stuffed ginch
me: couldn't open it at work eh? people would think you were looking at gay porn, hehehe
him: I can't be looking at that shit at work, haha, nor do I want to
me: it was an unintentional boobie trap... or should I say, ginch trap
him: friggin overbearing... I would have preferred a booby trap... at least I would get fired with my dignity intact
me: did you like the kermit one though?
him: never watched it for fear of being overwhelmed by crotch luggage


An email from another male friend said this (after the Rude! post):

The picture on your blog today has frightened me away from your site.


But then of course, no one was happy after my Scabs are icky! post.

Ok folks, I will try to clean it up a bit. No promises.

I know you don't believe me. And you shouldn't.

Rude!

So last year I was sitting there on the couch, with my laptop and the guy I was dating at the time, and I open this email from my dad. I can't remember exactly what it said because I deleted it very quickly, but it had some sort of smartass comment. And then I opened the picture and this is what I see... WITHOUT the smiley face. Yes it's a naked man, bent over, with all his parts in full view. It was quite shocking.

I turned to the guy I was with all red-faced and said, "Uh, I'm not sure why my dad would send me THAT." And then I deleted it swiftly and tried to choke down my embarrassment.

I found out later from my sister that my parents thought I HAD PUT THE PHOTO on their computer! WTF? She explained that since I got a new camera for Christmas and I'd been to a party or two over the holidays and I'd been on their computer... they thought this THING had come off MY camera!!!

I repeat, WTF?!? What kind of parties do they think I go to!!??!! My jaw almost fractured as it plummetted to the floor. Wow, they must think I have quite the life... wild nudie parties with naked men posing for photos. That's their daughter alright, wild and crazy and completely perverted!!!

As it turns out, I'd downloaded Picasa onto Dad's computer over the holidays so that he could post photos on his blog. Picasa searches the computer for all picture files and displays them nicely for you to see. This photo caught his attention. So, as it turns out, this was on his computer THE WHOLE TIME.

Uh Dad? The real question is, why did YOU have this photo on YOUR computer? HMMMMM???? Sure, it was the housesitter. Of course it was. You'd never seen it before in your life... Riiiiiight.

In appreciation of Aussies

On our last night in Vegas, we had a girl's night out. Of course I was curious about the Thunder from Down Under, and dropped hints to this nature. Mom agreed to go. It was loud, both because of the music and all the girls screaming. It was fun though. The guys could REALLY dance, even breakdancing, which I love to watch. Their bodies weren't too hard on the eyes either. I developed a wee little crush on the one guy (that's him, second from the RIGHT... bald guy, surprise surprise). Sure he had a nice body, but it was his smile, dance moves and jokeyness that drew me in. We stayed to watch girls get their photos taken with the boys, but I refused get one taken with them. It felt... tacky. I would have if my mom had agreed to as well, but I was too shy to go on my own. Of course, now that I'm blogging about it, the tacky is out in the open and I should have the picture to show for it!

If you go to their website, you can watch a video for Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy and my favourite bald man is in it :) Incidentally, that was the last song they danced to during the show, and I admit - dripping with cheese and all - it was a bit of a guilty pleasure to watch. BTW, they do not do full monty... and as much as I'm all FOR equality of the sexes, I'm kind of glad. Unlike female strip shows for "gentlemen", gentlewomen look for something different. It stayed fun instead of being dirty. We don't really need to see that shit!

In parousing the site, I came across this picture of Jimmy Kimmel with the Thunder and it cracked me up. He's just so damn sexy!

Um, what's with his package though? I have to wonder if he isn't sporting the new "Wonderjock" underwear from aussieBum. He looks a little, uh, enhanced.













You see aussieBum has finally evened out the playing field for men, in that they can now buy the equivalent of those padded Wonderbras that women have been wearing to enhance their own assets... If you want to get more info on these undies, check out the ad (see this video, seriously check it out ladies).
















This ad is definitely edgy and caused it's own stir on top of the stir the underwear itself already caused...




They say:

"Is it wrong to have American guys by the balls (mind you we're working through all the other countries as well). Are we still living in a day and age where freedom of expression is squashed? If anything we're simply putting it out there for the world to see and decide for themself. In the coming weeks we'll be displaying alot of the media coverage. Not only is it absolutely entertaining it does prove that a guys size does matter. Here's another bit of trivia. Guess who the biggest buyer of the 'Wonderjock' was over the festive season? It was women. Perhaps they know something their man does not. It's our reality... so enjoy it."


I really don't have any complaints about the ads. None whatsoever.

It's official

That's it, I'm officially quitting my PhD to become an underwear ad photographer. I am. This ain't no joke.

Clothes mandatory, please.

Remember that classic Seinfeld episode where Jerry's girlfriend kept doing stuff around his apartment in her birthday suit and he was getting more and more disturbed by it? I have to agree that nudity is nice and all, but has its place. Don't get me wrong, I've written several blog posts on male gratuitous nudity and I'm all for it (with certain caveats of course- i.e. he must not be a relative or a creepy weirdo, he needs to take reasonable care of his grooming, hygeine and health, he's preferably under 300lbs and 50years old, etc... and the fewer of these caveats that are met, the more brief or non-existent the episode needs to be).

Anyways, there are simply certain activities that people should only participate in with at least some covering-up. When I think about these activities, running, bench-pressing and doing squats definitely rank way up there. Apparently, though, a Dutch gym has decided to forego all sensibility and hold training sessions for nudists (story: Gym strips off for training in the buff).

YIKES.

A few questions come to my mind:

1) Who were the ad wizards who came up with this one? Seriously, I'd like to be in that meeting.
"We'll call them 'nudifit sessions'... C'mon people, this is the solution to not one, but two problems... First of all, the staff have been a bit down lately, even bored with their mundane jobs. They are no longer finding the feeble girl trying to lift the 2.5lb weight, the muscle-monkey's loud echoing grunts or the women working out in full-on hair and make-up very entertaining anymore. Lord knows that rigging the treadmills to suddenly go at high speed and send people flying or greasing up the floor before the aerobics class would be highly entertaining but at the same time it's sure to pose a bit of a legal quandry. Secondly, there's a huge untapped nudist market out there- that is, people who work out in the buff. As a result, we feel that these 'nudifit sessions' will nicely solve all our issues in just one hour a day... Entertaining our staff while providing a service to the compulsively butt-baring public."

2) Are there enough nudists to inspire a demand for this sort of thing?

3) Do nudists actually work out? That's not the impression I get from the stories I've heard about the types of folks that frequent nude beaches.

3) How do women run without a sports bra? Ouch. Good Lord.

4) The equipment... A disinfectant strong enough to cleanse my brain of the mental pictures of what was perched on the bike or the bench before me simply does NOT exist. And disposable covers wouldn't do it, it would have to be disposable equipment. Can you say "ballsweat"?

Ewww.

You go girl! But please shut the door behind you...

This morning on Sonic, Garner Andrews was talking about things that happen on TV or in movies that drive us nuts. I must say, the number one thing for me is that people never close doors behind them when they walk into a room... This is particularly true in sitcoms, especially older sitcoms. Why do they never shut the door!?!

That fake pizza bugs me too. It's often at the end of the show, usually featuring a group of 20-somethings. They're always laughing and talking the whole time in a feel-good kind of way, passing the pizza around... And then someone finally takes a bite of the shit (it's literally cardboard slathered with tomato sauce! And they keep laughing and talking, acting like it's NOT cardboard... now that's great acting)! I'm sure that the cameras have to cut away ASAP because the person has to go upchuck the stuff.

One girl called in to the radio about how whenever women are in bed on TV, they're always wearing nice lingerie and have their hair done up with full make-up on. I've totally noticed that! Can't they make it somewhat realistic??? At least tone it down a bit, add a zit or a purple circle or two under the eyes. On the opposite end of the spectrum -- I noticed on sitcoms that feature older ladies/wives -- they're always in bed wearing long sleeve shirts and PJ bottoms. I guess at some point they shed the lingerie in favour of a complete head-to-toe cover-up? Are aging peoples' bodies that unworthy of exposure? Weird. Even the men wear full-on PJs. C'mon, lots of men sleep naked! A little gratuitous skin for the sake of a little realism is in order here!!!

Oops, there I go again slipping into the nudity rant. Sorry.

Speaking of older ladies... I saw the movie Snowcake on the weekend. Carrie-Anne Moss was stunningly beautiful, wearing very little make-up and fully clothed throughout the movie. And she turns 40 this year! You go girl! I guess you don't have to be a scantilly clad young thang to be very sexy.

Yay, it wasn't a murder!!!

In my last post I mentioned the 'suspicious death' across the street and subsequent visit by the dashing young cop to my very humble abode where I was caught with my pants down, so to speak. That’s a pretty cool saying, 'caught with my pants down.' That’s totally how I felt. Especially if I wore uggo undies or even, God forbid, went without any.

*Shudder*

Figures of speech are funny when you’ve never heard them before. Yesterday I was telling my friend Vanessa that I’d cleaned my house but it was just a drop in the bucket. She exclaimed something to the effect of, "You dropped the bucket?! How did you do that?"

What the?

That’s not the first expression I’ve had to explain to her either… There’s also, "If I had my druthers" (ok, so that one’s a bit obscure), "dating the palm sisters" and even, "it was an arms-length relationship" just to name a few. Granted, about half the phrases she doesn't understand have some dirty connotation. Oh Van. You're so much fun sometimes.

Anyways, I kind of tangentisized there… back on topic… the murder (turns out it wasn't a murder, which although it's not so cool that someone croaked, it's always nice that it wasn't at the hands of some sicko) and oh yes, the cute cop. In my last post’s comments, birdhead asked me to describe the pretty policeman. Well birdhead, he looked like this:


Note to birdhead: drool can ruin a perfectly good keyboard, or was meathead really smart for a change and get the waterproof kind? Lord only knows what he does in the basement in front of that computer all day...

Ok so the cop kinda looked like that except he didn’t have a beard, or the PJ bottoms (it was me in the PJs), or his shirt off… though if he’d had his shirt off, this is what I would’ve expected (or, uh, hoped for… dammit, when am I gonna get that strip-o-gram!) Oh geez, I totally apologize for where this post is heading. Somehow it weaves its way back to the shameless male gratuitous nudity every time! Plus it's turning into a true rambler. It’s Friday though, what do you expect? I’m all over the friggin place!

Ok, so I put this pair of PJ bottoms on today (working at home again, what a total lazyass... oh and blogging too... I'm hitting the bottom of the barrel in slackerville at the moment). So I was thanking the lord above that I hadn’t been wearing these PJs the day that cop dropped in. They have a huge hole in the ass, but I love them so much that I can't bear to throw them away. So I wear them only when I’m home alone. This is fine except that I had a dream recently that I’d worn them out in public ALL DAY before I remembered (that realization part of the dream where your heart drops down to the bottom of your gut)... oh shit, these are the PJs with the gaping butt-hole! So I turned to my friend and asked if it was noticeable (you always hope they say something like, "what hole?") No such luck. She said it was "blatantly obvious." Well then why the hell didn't you say something?! Thanks for nuthin TAM. How embarrassing.

So the other day it could have been worse I guess, the cop could've gotten full view of my butt crack. Yes, it never fails, I can ALWAYS make myself feel better by thinking of ways a situation could've been worse. I could have literally been caught with my pants open.

If I hear a knock today, NO ONE is home.

5 things feminism has done for me…

Ok so I've been tagged for a meme. What the? Uh, I don't even know what that means!!! All Rosie said is that she tagged me and so I HAVE TO do a list... Bugger! Feminism is kind of a heavy topic too, but I'll attempt to have my way with it!!! Here goes!

Prelist disclaimer: By no means is this a complete list, I just picked out some of the more obvious ones that might or might not have me stoned in other countries.

Five things feminism has done for me:

1) Taught me that it’s ok (and only fair) for a lady to give AND receive... if you catch my meaning girls!

2) It’s allowed me to have a Blog where I can rant freely about traditionally “unladylike” or “taboo” topics such as: camel toes, gastrointestinal issues (farting, gas, sharts and poo), lack of gratuitous male nudity, female ‘issues’ and even men, virgins, penises, and other sex - related topics! People might think I’m a bit nutty and may label me as a potty-mouthed ho, but a lot less than would have done so 20 years ago (if the internet had existed, that is). To me, 35% of my blog readers thinking I'm a stinky tramp is better than the sure-to-be 85% of the days of yore.

3) Awesome television shows like Six Feet Under and Sex and the City where women’s lives aren’t featured simply as “the love interest” of the hero of the story. It's ok for women to be a bit messed up and struggle with their lives too! And it's even entertaining! (Hence my blog, ahem, did I say 'entertaining'? Maybe that's not the word for it...)

4) It allowed me to venture into higher education and only battle the limitations I put on myself, rather than the limitations of society. I have enough of my own ‘imposter syndrome’ and other issues to deal with inside my own crazy head. I’ve needed others to say, “You can dooo eeeetttt!” (Saturday Night Live-style… sorry, I find that line funny every time I hear it), rather than everyone saying, “You CAN’T do it” at every turn.

5) And finally, feminism has given me the freedom to be an old maid, cougar or spinster without choking down too much flack for it. Sorry Mom and Dad... Well at least you don't have to pay the guy's family a dowry to take me off your hands! Although I’m hoping the day comes when it’s as cool as being an ‘eligible bachelor.’ However, it IS pretty neat that I can date a younger man without it being so poo-pooed. Hmmm, yeah, I like that option… I like it a LOT (oops, I really do apologize for the cheesy movie one-liners, this is getting out of hand. Luckily, the list is OVER)...

More on male nakedness

This guy at Rugbyfest really was naked. Although a few of us definitely wanted him to put his clothes BACK ON!!! All too often this is the case when a guy takes off his clothes in public. Overall though, the event was superb for male gratuitous nudity.

I know I know, I could do a whole blog on male nakedness, and yes, I've already spent several posts on this topic in some form or another.

Was he naked?

Neked Neighbour

Freedom of Shlong (all day long)...

The Fat Guy

Canadian Girls: ENJOY!

As I've said before, I need to continue to level the playing field in this regard. There are so many movies, videos, internet sites and clubs out there with naked women... but not so much for us girls. I heard recently that the movie Beerfest has a lot of boobies in it. Figures. Now, Beerfest is a movie I might have gotten a kick out of, except I know it's going to be the whole cliche of beer swilling dawgs and scantilly clad body/sex-flaunting women (an extended beer commercial if you will)... I can't relate. I mean, I love to have myself a brewski now and then and even get a bit crazy, but scantilly clad and throwing myself at boys; not gonna happen!

My parents would probably comment that I have no problem finding movies with boys in their birthday suits... And I admit, there was a time for a while when EVERY video I rented coincidentally but uncannily had a man's naked butt in there at some point. It was very strange!!! Pure coincidence, but I didn't complain either.

So with summer coming to a close... I know a lot of the gratuitous male skin-viewing out there will also be tapered down substantially. Ok so... time to level the playing field and objectify someone (ahem, Ryan Reynolds) for your enjoyment ladies!!!

Was he naked?

He was covered in mud... but was he really covered up? I'll never tell...

Canadian Girls: ENJOY!

This ad was on billboards ALL OVER Rome when we were there.
I have no complaints.
None whatsoever.

Why have I not seen anything like this in Canada? Huh, Dolce and Gabbana? WHY???


Well Canadian girls, now you can ENJOY it as much as I did:) Feel free to come back as often as you like. Eye candy isn't bad for the teeth or the waistline!

Neked Neighbour

On one of these hot summer evenings recently, a friend and I were sitting on my patio. Just then the neighbour across the way decided to come out for a smoke and a drink... ahem, likely NAKED. However, he stood behind the BBQ the whole time. We watched avidly to find any kind of proof that he was indeed... neked. Would he wander away from the BBQ and fix his flag (pun intended)? Would he decide to get some fresh air in the breezy area on the other side of his deck?

Nope. We came up disappointed.

Or perhaps our curiosity would have killed us. Did we REALLY want to have proof that the dude was wearing nuthin but the suit he was born in? No, no we really really didn't.

It shall remain a mystery, thank God.


ps. Come to think of it, it's a good thing I called this post 'Neked Neighbour' (versus 'Naked Neighbour') or I'm sure I'd get all sorts of weirdos looking for porn on my blog. Man, would they ever be disappointed!!!


Update: For more on my neked neighbour, click HERE and HERE.

The Fat Guy

Peter on The Family Guy is shown NAKED way too much.

Maybe they should change rename that show The Fat Guy.

Slowly I'm becoming desensitized to the extremely fat male form... naked. Ok, maybe not THAT desensitized. Although between Homer and Peter, I've seen way too many roly-poly cartoon characters in their tightie whities. Strangely enough they are completely hairless, which is usually the opposite of what you'd find in the real world* (see Hot or Not??? for an example).

They should show more fatty females in the buff on TV. It would make the rest of us gals feel better since the only naked chicks we ever see are Victoria Secret models and Playboy bunnies... uh yeah, and then ourselves. Ugh.

Let's see some reality please!


*Perhaps if they had more hairy dudes on TV, then guys would know it's ok to be fat AND hairy. Err... maybe it would take the cartoonist way too long to draw all the hairs... Never thought of that. Or is there another reason?

Dangling Participles

Deneen and I were chatting on one of our walks.

It was sooo nice out and there were runners and cyclists everywhere.

She turned to me and said, “Wouldn’t it feel weird to be a guy and have those 'parts' dangling around outside your body?”

Definitely. Wouldn’t they always get in the way?

We discussed certain types of underwear and how it might help control the 'flipflop' down there, but we agreed that it would just be weird to have all the dangling.

And cycling? Doesn’t the junk get in the way? There would definitely be some awkward situations…

But then they’d probably think that having two blobs of fat hanging on the chest would feel weird too. When I was a young girl I couldn’t fathom that either. I didn’t want them. I wondered if I’d ever get to sleep on my stomach after I got them.

Deneen thought that if guys had boobs they'd just play with them all day.

But are your own body parts that compelling?

What about lesbians? They like boobs and they don’t spend all day playing with their own boobs... do they? I mean, a hot-lookin’ straight girl may check herself out in the mirror naked and say, "Yep, I suppose I look alright."

…But a hot lesbian? Maybe she looks in the mirror and says:

"Lookin’ good… I’d do me."

Freedom of Shlong (all day long)...

It’s interesting how you can degrade and discriminate against women, but don’t do ANYTHING to even slightly annoy or slander any racial group, because you’ll GET IT to the tune of MURDER. The Western Standard published a story on the Danish cartoons depicting Muhammed, and now people are up in arms. No such fuss has been made over porn that is violent towards or features women in an INCREDIBLY insulting manner (and I'm not talking about extreme religious groups that want to ban any kind of sexuality or nudity). I guess women are too complacent or we’re all so desensitized to it? And yet, on the other hand, people freaked out about Janet Jackson’s BOOB? Big F’ing deal!!!! Nudity is natural and beautiful (most of the time, hehe), but violence and degradation is UGLY and demoralizing. I can’t completely wrap my brain around it.

There, I got it out… Now, besides the VERY serious matters mentioned above and other important gender-related issues in this society (i.e. exploitation and degradation of women by sex slavery and domestic violence/murder), there’s something specific I have a beef about today:

Lack of male gratuitous nudity.

As I inferred in a previous blog, I think the playing field should be evened out a little more between men and women. I realize that there are some inherent biological differences that cannot be denied, however I’d like to scrap some of the more societal types of prejudices. I’m talking about one simple, possibly rectifiable issue- gratuitous male nudity. Why is it that when I watch a male singer’s music video, there are mostly half-naked women, but when I watch a female singer’s music video, the singer herself is naked??? WHERE ARE THE NAKED MEN??? Also, if you watch films, there seems to be a lot of boobs… whenever they can squeek them in somewhere (plot related or not), they do. However, I’ve seen films where they COULD have thrown in some male skin and didn’t even take the opportunity! As females we are repeatedly robbed on this issue! For instance, in the movie Hitch, Will Smith’s character crashed on the couch of Eva Mendez’s character. This would have been the PERFECT opportunity to have him take his shirt off but NO. WTF? I mean, one of the perks in watching a Will Smith movie is to catch a glimpse of his perfect body, no? And what about the female equivalent of MAXIM magazine? I would buy that!!!! And let’s not even get into the whole female vs. male stripper thing… wait, why don’t we then? Let’s GET IT ON.

A while ago I tried to find a peeler bar for women, one somewhat equivalent to the “gentlemans” clubs out there. In other words, Full Monty at the very least (I don’t really need to see him spread it and show me his icky brown eye). Anyways, guess what, there was ONE PLACE in Alberta dedicated to the Full Monty. At the time, my roomie (Rose) and I were livid. Why is it that you can see PU%&Y any time of day, any day of the week, but we can’t even find a naked man to watch for my friend’s stagette?

This is what Rose wrote (back then) on the topic:

A couple years ago, me and a good friend were going through tough breakups. We decided that the perfect solution for our sorrows would be to go out for a night on the town with a group of our good friends and take in some local talent. We assumed that since there are an abundance of strip clubs in Edmonton, for the “gentleman,” that there should be an abundance of venues that featured some similar entertainment geared at the “gentlewoman”. After calling around to almost ALL the clubs in Edmonton, we found out that women, in the opinion of someone, were too gentle to see a naked man. At most, we could go somewhere and pay outrageous prices for drinks and cover charges to see a man dancing in boxers. And that is only on certain nights of the week. At first we thought, with women there just isn't as much of a market for it. Some consider watching a man waving his schlong around a tad.............. grotesque. We thought this unfair and left it at that.

Meanwhile, I had attended a strip club geared for men out of curiosity. Once inside, I witnessed female strippers completely naked, spread-eagled sitting on the stage, touching themselves and allowing drunk men to whip coins at their (not so) privates. Some of these women were excellent and talented dancers. Some of these women love their job and love their overt sexuality; others were doing it out of desperation. All of these women were daughters, sisters, nieces, cousins, and/or mothers. Contributing members of society.

During a future conversation with my friend, I discovered (what she’d been told at least) that male Full Monty was illegal in Alberta. Let me get this straight; I can go on any given night and watch some poor girl get her genitals whipped by coins, but seeing a (gasp!) PENIS is ILLEGAL! I know that the sex industry is geared towards men as that is inevitably what will bring in the most profit but at the same time, it's a double whammy of discrimination against women. First of all, it is okay to exploit women (our mothers, daughters, sisters) by letting them writhe around on stage, throwing coins at them so they have to get down on their hands and knees scrambling around like desperate beggars for rent money, but men are above that? Secondly, a man can embrace and openly enjoy his sexuality by being able to go see strippers any day of the week, but this isn't true for a woman? I guess the answer to that is that THEIR mothers,daughters and sisters (us) are probably “not like that”.

Friends recently discovered during a stagette party that going to see male rippers just left them feeling "ripped off"! Once fueled with alcohol, women can be just as boisterous, enthusiastic and horny as drunk men, and likewise, wouldn't mind seeing, exploiting and objectifying the opposite sex. I am not suggesting we ban female strippers, but lets level out the playing field a bit. If it’s illegal to see men dancing naked for profit, then it should be illegal to see women.

I discovered upon further investigation that it’s not illegal for men to bare their schlongs in public… however the Alberta Liquor and Gaming commission have made the laws so strict when there is nudity involved, that clubs strictly catering to women watching male strippers probably wouldn’t make a go of it. They can have “ladies’ nights” where the men strip to boxers, but that’s all we get.

Thantophobia

A phobia is defined as “a persistent, irrational, intense fear of a specific object, activity or situation (the phobic stimulus), fear that is recognised as being excessive or unreasonable by the individual himself.”

I definitely have thantophobia. And although I recognize my fear of death/dying as being somewhat excessive, persistent and intense; I don’t think it’s irrational or unreasonable.

Let me explain, err, clarify.

I’m not afraid of the dying itself, per se, though I’m a bit afraid of being maimed first and then suffering... But more to the point, it’s the method of my demise that I’m more worried about. Will I die in some asinine way or worse, be featured for some Darwin award? Further, if the dying somehow matches the way a person lived, in any way, shape or form (i.e. goofball), then I could be in big shit. Take, for instance, that guy who was found holding his member because he was trying to do that suffocation/masturbation thing. That would really suck. Uh, please note, that was purely hypothetical, just to make a point... Ahem... Of course I don’t need to worry about that one! Geez. But I do worry that I might soil myself in a car accident, be found wearing my ugliest underwear, or the one that most frequently goes through my head: dying in the shower. This fear is particularly intense because these crazy visions appear in my mind of me slipping while I’m trying to wash one foot, smacking my head on the edge and dying naked and spread-eagled on the bottom of the tub. I almost get panic attacks thinking of this when I’m showering at my parents’ house, where inevitably my dad would come rushing in and see me at my most vulnerable. Not pretty, not pretty at all.

Adding insult to injury would be the mess I’ve left for people to clean up after I croak. I used to have a pact with an old roommate that if I died, she’d come in and confiscate any incriminating property of mine. This includes such things at my personal journals and naked photos, but most importantly, my extensive BOB collection. I can’t have my mother seeing that and thinking I’m a freakshow beyond what they'd already imagined!!! I think they’d take back the old ‘seeing the real me and loving me anyways’ bit faster than they could say “What in God’s name?”

Perhaps it’s not thantophobia I’m dealing with here, but catagelophobia (fear of being ridiculed)... especially when I’m not alive to defend myself.

Or perhaps I wouldn’t really care, seeing as how I’d be dead.