On the topic of TV commercials...

I was reading a funny blog the other day and it got me thinking...

It was by Garner Andrews and the title was “Hey, you kids, get out of that KY jelly tree” (haha!). It was about TV commercials. He says:

“In particular we were discussing that KY Jelly ad where the woman attempts to lure her husband into the bedroom with a tube of "all new" KY Jelly Personal Lubricant. Yikes.
Ten years ago we were all 'shocked' when condom ads starting airing on radio and television stations. Now all I can do is wonder what we'll find shocking ten years from now? Two guys talking about KY Jelly Personal Lubricant? Especially if one of them is dressed as a sailor and the other as a police officer.”

Pretty funny. I must say that I totally agree with Garner on this… in fact, I think that either they should get all the embarrassing shit off TV ads or have everything be fair game.

I remember being mortified as a teenager when maxi pad commercials would come on TV. And why do they use the blue liquid to show how the ‘wings’ work to catch leaks? I mean, if you’re going to go that far, why not use red liquid or even real blood to make it more authentic? C’mon, in ads for food and other stuff they try to make it look authentic. Let’s take pizza pops- either someone is eating an actual pizza pop on TV or at the very least something that LOOKS like a pizza pop.

It seems like everything is fair game when advertising to women. "Too fat? Then take these..." "Looking really old and undesirable? Buy this..." They're all aimed at women. Of course the worst ads are the ‘feminine’ ads for douche products (Mom, I just don't feel fresh sometimes) and the ones for yeast infections that show the applicator and suppository! Poor young girls nowadays, they probably think that their appearance just sucks, and that their ‘private’ parts are nothing but damage control!!! They’re old, ugly and fat, and always bleeding, itching, smelling and/or growing yeast down there! So that when they finally get ALL THAT under control, they’d better be on the pill so that they can get the KY out to lure the man (because after ALL THAT I would think they'd definitely have to LURE a man down there!!!)

What about boys? Aren’t there ANY embarrassing products for men out there? Viagra? Nah, that doesn’t count because it’s aimed at really old men. C’mon, they must have SOME hygienic or maintenance issues down there? What about for jock itch or odor? It's evident to me that it is indeed a problem. I can hear it now… "Dad, sometimes when I’m playing sports, my balls get really sweaty and then they start to smell and get itchy… What can I do about that besides continually adjusting and scratching myself in public?" Or, "Hey man, how do you get rid of the mobs of ass hair so that I can avoid those dreaded willknots?"

So Garner asks what will shock us in 10 years? Hmmm… I’d like to see ads for “masturbation aids.” I can see it now "Dad, my palms are hairy" "Well son, try this... I know it just looks like a can but…"

Need I say more?

My Rear View (evidence)

My butt is so big I just have to turn a little and I can see the thing!

My Rearview

I’ve got BIG problems with my butt (pun intended). Always have. Well, at least since the first time I took a small mirror and looked into it at my ass in the mirror behind me (we call it a ‘butt mirror’). At the time I was literally shocked at my ass. I looked skinny from the front, how can a monstrosity such as that not show from the front view?

Yep. Ever since I’ve had a ‘thing’ about my butt. It’s actually my thighs that are at the root of the problem, literally. I pretty much just don’t like my rear view at all. Everyone knows this. I even take a compact with me shopping, so that I can use the little mirror as a butt mirror. I also like to take HONEST friends shopping with me. Friends that admit, “trust me, don’t buy those”. And cranking your head around doesn’t do the trick; you need full-on butt mirror.

So my friends are honest. No offence taken. I was even telling a friend of mine the other day that I had eaten too much and was really bloated, so bloated in fact that my stomach was huge. He said, “You mean it’s so huge that people mistake it for your butt?” Haha. Another friend sang a song about my ass. I guess that’s a compliment. To top it all off, I thought I was wearing ass-flattering pants out the other night and a guy on the street walked by and turned to me and said “baby’s got back.” Geezuz!

It’s ok. However, NO ONE will ever see my butt sans clothing. Ever. I envy the Cameron Diaz’s of the world that can shake their little itty-bitty tushies on the big screen. But not me... not me and my juicy doubles.

The rules for drinkin'

I don’t drink that much anymore. I used to get very drunk every weekend, which isn’t the smartest thing to do. And it lead to MUCH DUMBER decisions than simply the (lack of) intelligence of the drinking itself. I probably culled, I mean killed, A LOT of brain cells. You see, drinking is not a necessity but a recreational sport to me. Like any sport, it involves having as much fun as possible while attempting to follow the rules. Unfortunately, the more drink there is, the less likely it is that rule-following will occur.

The way I figure it, the rules are:

1. Avoid pissing anyone off too much, especially friends. Fun at the expense of friends cannot always be excused by the phrase “it was the alcohol”. Pissing off strangers is fair game, just be ready to face the consequences.

2. Try to avoid pissing off the bar staff… In other words, don’t get kicked out of the bar. This is particularly sucky if you were having fun and the night gets cut short by an unfortunate dismissal. They don't take well to excuses and pleading simply strokes their ego.

3. Know when to quit drinking. There are times that for some reason, even though you are tanked to the gills, you want even more. Not a good idea. Further from this, if you decide to drink at home before the bar to save money, DO NOT go ahead and drink the same amount you would have anyways. This is a difficult concept to grasp and even more difficult to put into practice... believe you me.

4. Do not hang out with a friend of the opposite sex that you find even mildly attractive. Under the influence they suddenly become irresistible. Unfortunately they revert back to their former self when the alcohol disappears from your body, but the memories don't fade so quickly.

5. Be aware of the beer goggles with strangers as well. Be careful who you give your phone number to. Again, alcohol can amplify a person’s ‘hotness factor’, particularly when they are wearing their best duds in the dimly lit bar environment. When they call you and you go on a date, those beer goggles are not there and you’ll be left wondering what the hell you saw.

6. Do not smooch a guy on the dance floor. Although this may be wild and crazy and fun and hot at the time, it is inexcusably bad behavior and you will be shaking your head in disbelief the next day. And God forbid, dry humping is absolutely off limits! Get a fricken room!

7. Try not to steal things or piss on parked cop car tires. A good idea while drunk is a bad idea when you have to explain your actions to the person you dial on your one phone call.

8. Gauge whether to have sex based on how drunk you are. If you’d rate it at about an 8 (on a 5 point scale)… not a good scene. Don’t gauge whether you can drive by the same system. If you “feel okay” to drive, it has nothing to do with whether you really can or should. Take a cab you moron!

9. For the love of God, please eat a good dinner before you go out and then have a snack and drink LOTS of water when you return home. It makes ALL the difference. Especially if you are a hundred pounds soaking wet and for some hairbrained reason you try to drink your 200 pound buddy under the table. You’ll be the one on the floor, not your boozehound pal.

Keeping these rules in mind... Let the games begin!!!

The dork factor

I figured out the other day that looking like a dork prevents me from being free to do as I choose. I have trouble finding clothes in my closet that don’t make me look like a dork. Does this match? Is this totally goofy looking? I have no idea. I also don’t like to hang out with people I don’t know; for fear that I will look like a dork… Don’t walk into the bar alone, get out of the limo at the front door, dance when I’m sober, tell someone I like them, go meet my boyfriends parents or friends… The higher the dork factor, the more likely it is that I will make excuses not to go somewhere, do something or talk to someone. I know it’s not all about me. Half the time people couldn’t give two shits what I’m wearing or doing. Why is the dork factor so deterring?

I looked it up in the dictionary… it’s actually in there.

dork n.
Slang. A stupid, inept, or foolish person.
Vulgar Slang. The penis.

Dork = Penis??? Dork? That’s one I haven’t heard! There are a lot of D words that mean penis (i.e. Dick, Dink, Tallywacker... haha, ok that starts with a T but I just had to put it in there). Either way, I haven’t heard of Dork that way!!!

I’m confused. In order to find some clarity I decided to do a net search (as I often do in these situations for some reason). I came across this…

Dork (v.) To engage in the act of sexual intercourse.

What the? I’ve never heard this either!!! Don’t they mean “Pork”, as in to pork someone? Geez. Maybe dork is one of those words that is so generic you can use if for almost everything…

“How was dinner?” “Oh, it was so good that I just dorked it down.”
“What did you do to your toe?” “Oh man, I totally dorked it on the corner of the coffee table.”
“Hey kids, quit dorking around!”

Hahaha. I just came across a funny site! It has a dork quiz on it…

http://www.csua.berkeley.edu/~sarahfsk/dork.html

And guess what?!? I’m definitely a dork!!! My friends say I’m strange but I take it as a compliment… tripping on smooth sidewalks… Gonzo! Haha.

The quiz said about me, “I bet you tell "I'm a big dork" stories on a fairly regular basis. You're a member of Alpha Beta Needa Data.”

That cracked me up! Yeah, the bigger the dork factor the better the story! Man I love it when I find out I’m not aloneJ So then why should I pretend to be otherwise? I guess in front of my friends I don’t mind so much. They laugh at me. They think I’m a goof. I don’t care. I even try to be a dork to get a reaction at times. It can be fun. My nickname in junior high (only known by my best friend at the time) was TGG (the gutless goof). Now if that doesn't have DORK written all over it... But sometimes it’s annoying when I’m really trying not to be a dork and my friends make fun of me. Like when all I could afford was this ugly bike helmet, and Rose used to laugh at me every time I wore it. She called it my 'special friend' helmet. And in some situations and in front of some people, well, I don’t want to look like a total dork. I don’t want to be judged at all. I want to blend in. I’d rather be invisible than appear the dork. Why? Because dog-gonnit I want people to like me!

And you know what… I’ve come to the conclusion that people like a dork better than someone who appears to be perfect.

I shall make an effort to embrace my inner dorkdom.

What the hell happened? 

Have you got an Ape Drape?

Once upon a time, I went out with a guy who had a mullet. This was back in the days when "hockey hair" was very cool. He had the “almost spiked but somewhat feathered” look on top, and then he’d perm the long hair in the back. I laugh when I think of it now. Plus his hair was red. Man, I haven't seen the show Joe Dirt, but I bet there are a lot of mullet jokes in there. I like the description of a mullet as "business in the front, party in the back". There’s a funny song by The Vandals called ‘I’ve got an Ape Drape’ and it’s all about mullets. So I guess if nothing else, the style is inspiring for people... to write blogs, make movies and songs about. I don’t know if there has ever been another hairstyle at the forefront of such inspiration. In that song they mention some of the other names for mullets and where it comes from… Norce Neck Warmer: Norco, Hockey Hair: Canada, Mullet: Hoboken, Forbidden Hair: Europe and Shom: Florida. Haha, I like ‘Forbidden hair”.

My friend Rose did a blog on mullets when she saw the addition to my Girl Wonder blog… and its been kind of a mullet chain reaction ever since. She said she was going to do a study on whether mullets were more common on lower socio-economic groups. I told her that this may be true, as I’ve heard of people who climb the socio-economic ladder and subsequently shed the shom. Jessica Simpson’s dad was one such person. I don’t think it’s simply a function of money however, I think it’s who you hang out with. I get a feeling that the folks in the pop music biz probably would have ribbed him to no end about his neck warmer.

Oh crap!

http://www.lollylu.com/Scripts/PublicSite/

Smoking smells worse than butt…

Besides the obvious reason I hate smoking, which is that it’s taken the lives of people I’ve loved, including almost claiming my sweet Mom’s life… there are many many reasons why I HATE it.

First of all, let’s choose the obvious; it’s a disgusting habit. Smoker’s houses REEK and are covered in brown crap, just like their lungs. In fact, smokers themselves reek, I can tell when a smoker enters a room it smells so bad. And I hate walking behind a smoker around the university. Since they are unable to smoke indoors, they take the opportunity while they walk outside. Inevitably, I end up walking behind them, and breathing in the stench while I’m outside enjoying the weather and trying to enjoy the ‘fresh’ air. If you ask me, walking behind someone who is smoking is worse than walking behind some bloated mofo who just ate kolbassa, draft beer, beans, chili, onions and cabbage, and as a result has the rankest gas EVER. To me, catching a whiff of smoke outside in the supposedly fresh air is just as bad as catching a whiff of rotten onion sulfur farts. And yet smoking is "cool" and farting is socially unacceptable. To my knowledge, farts don’t cause cancer, second hand smoke does.

I got some interesting facts about smoking from this website: http://quitsmoking.about.com/b/a/145263.htm

I guess there’s a list of 599 additives approved by the US government for use in the manufacture of cigarettes! These secret ingredients were finally submitted by the five major American cigarette companies to the Dept. of Health and Human Services in April of 1994.

These additives, plus those naturally in tobacco, result in cigarette smoke having over 4,700 chemical compounds of which about 60 are carcinogenic. Here is a short summary of some of the toxic/carcinogenic compounds:

Carbon Monoxide
Nitrogen Oxides (NO)
Hydrogen Cyanide
Formaldehyde
Acrolein
Acetaldehyde
Ammonia
Hydrazine
Vinyl Chloride
Urethane
2-Nitropropane
Quinoline
Benzo[a]pyrene
Dibenz[a,h]anthracene
Benzo[b]fluoranthene
Benzo[j]fluoranthene
Dibenzo[a,h]pyrene
Dibenzo[a,i]pyrene
Dibenz[a,j]acridine
Indeno[1,2,3-cd]pyrene
Benzo[c]phenanthrene
Benz[a]anthracene
Benzo[e]pyrene
Chrysene
Methylchrysene
Mehtylfluoranthene
Dibenz[a,c]anthracene
Dibenz[a,h]acridine
Dibenzo[c,g]carbazole
Mehtylnaphtalenes
1-Methylindoles
Dichlorostilbene
Catechol
3-Methycatechol
4-Methycatechol
4-Ethycatechol
4-n-Propylcatechol
Nitrosodimethylamine
Nitrosoethymethylamine
Nitrosodiethylamine
Nitrosodi-n-propylamine
Nitrosodi-n-butylamine
Nitrosopyrrolidine
Nitrosopiperidine
Nitrosomorpholine
N'-Nitrosonornicotine
4-(methylnitrosamino)-1-(3-pyridyl)-1-butanone
N'-Nitrosoanabasine
N'-Nitrosoanatabine
Aromatic Amines
Aromatic Nitrohydrocarbons
Polonium-210
Nickel
Arsenic
Cadmium

Even a little second-hand smoke is dangerous. Second-hand smoke can cause cancer, breathing problems, heart disease, and more frequent asthma, pneumonia, colds and flus in the nonsmokers exposed to it.

On the other hand, the ingredients that farts contain are highly variable (depending on what you ate, how long you held the fart in, etc.) and may be negligible. These ingredients are:

Oxygen
Hydrogen
Carbon dioxide
Methane
Hydrogen sulfide
Ammonia

Even though some farts cause breathing problems and asthma-type symptoms, and you might THINK you are dying… according to the site: http://www.heptune.com/farts.html, gas has never killed anyone.

Unless of course some poor soul subjected to living with an extremely gassy person finally couldn’t take it anymore… Don’t laugh, I have known of people at the end of their ropes on this one!

Hahahaha! It’s good when you can start with a rant and end with a laugh:)

Here’s an interesting blog on quitting smoking… http://www.how-to-quit.com/blog/

'Hide and Seek' is NOT a fun game!

The last game I would EVER be interested in playing is any variation of Hide and Seek. I will explain...

Kids really love Hide and Seek. This past weekend, my sister played it with our niece and nephew. I didn’t volunteer to play. Then the next day they decided that it would be fun if they hid something and I look for it. This was not a good idea, but I humored them nonetheless. I convinced them to do the hot-warm-cold thing when I got close or ventured too far from the hidden object. This actually worked out well because we all got to participate, and they seemed to have fun.

Now let me explain why this game sucks. I spend fricken HALF MY LIFE looking for things, I DON’T want to spend my leisure time doing the same!!! Geez! Ok maybe not half, but too much. And I’m not alone because I’ve heard most people spend on average 2 years of their lives looking for things! I have a problem remembering where I put any number of items on a daily basis, even when I’ve made a mental note as to its whereabouts. I swear my apartment is the black hole. Certain items enter and are never to be seen again. Like, what happens to socks? Is there a sock heaven and when a sock’s time is up, it’s up? I now buy two pair of any particular socks, so in case (or should I say ‘when’) a sock goes missing, I don’t have to get rid of the one that’s been abandoned. I recently lost my office keys for about 3 weeks and finally found them today after much frustration. Luckily, I knew they would show up at some point because they had to be in that black hole somewhere. The faceplate to my car stereo is STILL missing. I know it’s in there dammit, because I would have noticed if I’d come back from driving without it. I think. If only there was some system of hot-warm-cold to guide me to my MIA items.

So whether it’s single socks, keys, papers or you-nameit, I spend WAY too much time looking for things. Hide and Seek is NOT a fun game, kids.