The crafty will always find a way to support their habit...

Hence my one fat cat at the automatic cat feeder -- IN BETWEEN feedings!

Confusion for Comedy Movie-Goers

When planning a night out at the theatre, it can be a daunting task to choose where to spend your precious time and hard-earned dollar. This is particularly true for comedies. I think it's because comedies aren't usually high quality productions. People's sense of humour also varies tremendously. People who loved Naked Gun may hate Ace Ventura. People who loved Deuce Bigelow may hate The Big Lebowski. It makes no logical sense and cannot be predicted. You can only tell by actually watching the show. No way around it.

Case in point. Below is a typical breakdown of how a comedy may be rated by the general public.

Current rating: 2.93 / 5

Total Votes: 1,115

• DAMN GOOD MOVIE with some very funny moments!!!
  
• Excellent movie, all my friends enjoyed it, A MUST see comedy.
  
• Good start that loses momentum by the final half hour.Not as biting as Spinal Tap,but some good chuckles.
  
• amazing soundtrack, this movie is worth seeing
  
• great movie, dirty humour but the soundtrack is seriously a 6 out of 5, really great!
  
• hilarious!!!!! worth the price of admission!
  
• I would have gave it 5 stars. But the full frontal nudity was a bit much!
  
• Hilarious haven't laughed that hard in a while. If you dont think this is a funny movie than there is something wrong with you. This is a must see comedy!
  
• Excellent comedy - laughed through the whole thing! worth the money to go to the theatre!
  
• Best movie!! Wow is all I have to say
  

Well, that seems like a total winner! I can't say that full frontal nudity is a deterrent for me. And usually, if enough people say it was funny, then it's probably a gooder. Uh, except for Knocked Up… That was BAD. I got duped by my friends on that one!!!

Anyways, it's all good until you look at see that about 1/3 of the people thought it was great and 1/3 thought it was awful!!!

***** 30.43%

**** 13.04%

*** 6.52%

** 19.57%

* 30.43%

Read on…

• I found it entertaining, but nonetheless, HORRIBLE. A laugh at movie, not a laugh with one.
  
• It could have been a lot better had there not been the raw nudity. it started off funny and myself and my darghter and my new son-in law were laughing until they started showing such raw nudity. that stuff doesn't belong on the movie screens of America .a country founded on God where around 80 % of the population claims to be christians!!!!
  
• This was the worst movie I have seen by far. The beginning was quite funny, but very soon I stopped laughing and was in awe at how bad it was. It was the worst spoof I have ever seen. It was like an extended Mad TV skit gone horribly wrong. The fact that celebrities and artists I admire actually agreed to be part of this film blows my mind. It was 1 1/2 hours of my life I can never get back.
  
• 96 minutes of my life I will never get back. If must see it, wait for the DVD
  
• One word "Horrible!" Not funny at all!
  
• one stupid movie!!! only 2 stars...some parts r really funny...but just wait till it come on dvd..rent it..not worth watchin this while there r so many other good movies playin as well...dont bother watchin this movie..IT AINT GOOD!
  
• Who could possibly find anything funny about this movie! I went in with high hopes and left without haveing laughed once. The odd smirk was the best I could do. Too bad; wait for the DVD,
  
• Horrible, Waste of my time and money!
  
• Not funny! Worst comedy i have seen in a while! Dont waste your money or time!
  

Which movie was it? Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story. What to do, what to do…

Update: Guess what? We trepidatiously handed over 25 bones last night to see the story of Mr. Dewey Cox... And I know what you're thinking - $25?!? I know, I almost crapped in my pants. It was TUESDAY. What the hell happend to 2.50 Tuesday? LOL. Ok, I'm showing my age now... Anyhoo. Back to the guess what thing -> As we walked into the theatre, I saw the poster for the movie. It was from the makers of Knocked Up and Superbad! GULP. As you may know, I didn't like Knocked Up and I heard that Superbad was super BAD.

So trepidation may not be the right word... IMPENDING DREAD may have been more like it.

(Ahem. I'm making a very short comment incredibly LONG here.)

Dewey Cox, I'm happy to report, was really very funny!!! We were chuckling about some parts for hours afterwards, which is a definite sign of a good comedy. There was a lot of subtle humour mixed with a little more obvious stuff. And the full frontal nudity wasn't over-the-top at all. It was quite appropriate for the humourous intent. I don't find nudity offensive anyways... except maybe when it's my neked neighbour...

Three Years and Running

Happy New Year!!!

It just occurred to me that I've been writing this blog since January 2005. That makes it exactly 3 years now. Holy mancrow! (We used to say that as kids for some reason, maybe because we couldn't figure out what 'mackerel' was.)

Anyways, that's a long time! I can't quit now!!!

Or can I? Truth is, I've been busy and it won't be letting up any time soon. So I'm going to keep posting, but it won't be every day. It may be once a week. Or I may just get on with a one-liner or two. Or I may feature an old post or a guest writer.

I remember the first year on this thing I sometimes posted only once a month. It wasn't until I got some positive feedback from an early reader (a celebrity around these parts) that is hilarious himself and I highly admire that I started posting more. Way back in '05 he said things like, "Damn, you're a good writer. Hopefully you do it for a living." and "BTW, you have to post more. I love reading your blog." (Yes, I am an email packrat.) I was tickled. And I posted more. And more…

Alas, I do write for a living. But it's scientific drivel. I get tired of reading all that. The number of animals killed in the name of science is unfathomable. Next time you open that bottle of pills or use almost any product in this life, bless those that gave their lives for it. So yeah, I can't give up the frivolous blog. I'd probably sink into a dark hole of seriousness and never be able to recover!!!

We gotta keep life light folks!

Data Entry Worker?

What is wrong with this picture?

I saw this ad on the right hand side of my Facebook page. Something didn't match up.

What kind of "data" are we talking about here?

Tis the season to have a chuckle

You know how they say that *suicide rates are higher around the holidays? Well, apparently this is a total myth!!! However, they (how can we EVER tell when "they" are right and when "they" are wrong? They are bloody confusing I tell ya!) say that rates of depression are actually higher over the holidays. This doesn't surprise me. The days are shorter, increasing incidence of SAD (seasonal affective disorder) and there is a bit of longing for those who are missing loved ones or don't have anyone close to them.

Anyhoo. This is why we need a laugh or few over the holidays!!! Hence today's post. I could tell you a Christmas joke or two... however, whereas me telling a joke may make you want to kill yourself, these -- Christmas themed cartoons -- will get you laughing in the spirit of the season.

Mark Parisi, you make me chuckle.


*Interesting sidenote from Suicide rates - Focus:
According to the World Health Organization (WHO), someone around the globe commits suicide every 40 seconds. In the year 2000, 815,000 people lost their lives to suicide - more than double the number of people who die as a direct result of armed conflict every year (306,600).

Another sidenote for comparison from (can't find reference right now):
Apparently in the U.S. alone, tobacco kills more than 430,000 citizens each year —more than alcohol, cocaine, heroin, homicide, suicide, car accidents, fire, and AIDS combined. Woah.


Now go check out the comics!!!! Sheesh!

Girls... Are you gonna be a SUCKER?

Oh man... I was already laughing today at what gullible people forward to others on email and/or Facebook FunWall. Then while I was researching it all on Snopes.com, I ran across this - http://www.snopes.com/inboxer/hoaxes/fellatio.asp. It's a hoax page about how people got suckered into thinking that this fake news story (Study: Fellatio may significantly decrease the risk of breast cancer in women) was actually real! Hahaha. I guess this made its rounds to many inboxes and also made some foreign newspapers! (And why wouldn't it, since I'm sure many of the forwarders and publishers were men!)

I'm not sure why people can't figure out on their own that these things are hoaxes. What, with doctors named Lictepeen and Shafteer? That should've been the first clue.

Apparently the so-called research consisted of two groups, women who had performed fellatio and swallowed on a regular basis and women who had not or did not swallow. And guess what? The group of women who had performed and swallowed had a breast cancer rate of 1.9% and the group who had not had a breast cancer rate of 10.4%. Thems are some baaaad odds girls!!!

And I love this part:

Dr. Len Lictepeen, deputy chief medical officer for the American Cancer Society, said women should not overlook or "play down" these findings. "This will hopefully change women's practice and patterns, resulting in a severe drop in the future number of cases," Lictepeen said.

It's definitely in men's best interest to make sure this hoax hits EVERY woman's inbox he knows and that it gets forwarded to everyone they know and everyone they know... FunWall on Facebook could have a hayday with this! Judging by how many people get duped by all the other chain letters out there, there must be SOMEONE who will be a sucker for this one. You can only wish boys. Oh, woops, pardon the pun.

Easy Come, Easy Go

Get this: If you live in Germany, you can hire a guy to breakup with someone for you! Did you hear about this? I saw him featured in the article The Relationship Grim Reaper. What's next, hiring someone to have sex with your husband for you? Oh yeah, apparently a lot of people do that already, ahem... unknowingly.

Yikes, yikes and... YIKES.

When I started reading about this guy, I thought the whole idea was a total copout. Are people such complete cowards that they have to get someone else to do their dirty work for them? Oops, did I actually pose such a redundant question out loud? MEN would of course!!! They seem to either string us along until we can't take it anymore, or do something unforgivable so that WE have to break up with THEM! I've ranted about this before (Breaking up is hard to do), about how men seem to be missing a specific chromosome, the one that contains the breakup-initiation gene.

If you go to his *website, you'll learn what The Separation Agency is exactly. Apparently, it's "a service enterprising, that especially persons help should, who are in a separation phase. It fells many person increasingly more heavily to transmit unpleasant messages." Um, at least that's what it said when I plugged the German into the free translation webpage. You get the point.

They say that the concept 'separation' is not only restricted to a partnership between two persons, it can apply to the termination of business partnership or working ratios. So bosses can also hire someone to fire you. Also cowardly... C'mon, just Trump up and say the words - You're FIRED!

Then I read a bit more in the article Das Boot from the Times Online...

Mr. Grim Reaper is quoted as saying that he hasn't "seen a single tear since I started this job" and that "We can turn one unhappy couple into two happy singles." Well now that you put it that way... Good times, good times. DUH. Of course they don't shed a tear, they're in total shock! Not only has the breakup come out of left field, but someone ELSE is delivering the stake to the heart. Besides, what man is going to cry in front of another man? If the guy is gone within 15 minutes, I'm betting it takes about 20 for things to set in. "Gee, thanks for letting me know"... shut the door... curl up in the fetal position on the couch and let the wailing begin.

As I read on in the article I found out, to my surprise, that women actually use the service more! Apparently what happens is that they try to break up with the guy, but then he gives those puppy dog eyes and promises to change. Hey girls, we know the drill.

The article went on to say that the internet is great for his business because it's altered the way people view their relationships. "Everything in our society has become disposable. If your relationship isn’t working out, you can find yourself a new one on the internet. Dating agencies have become the most normal thing in the world, so sooner or later there’s going to be a demand for an agency that’ll help you to get rid of a partner too. It’s an unpleasant job, letting someone go, so why not get someone else to do it for you?"

Easy come, easy go?

What is the world coming to? Technology is making it so we don't have to lift a finger to DO ANYTHING.

*The website link to The Separation Agency no longer works... I wonder if he went out of business. Interesting.

BOO Bad Bacteria, YAY Good Bacteria!

Apparently my healthy diet has saved me from a day that can only be described as a potential 'spontaneous colon blow day'. This is a very good thing.

Let me explain.

A friend of mine took me out to a new East Indian restaurant the other night (friend and restaurant names withheld, although perhaps I should warn others about the seemingly inocuous eating joint). Anyways, I always call East Indian buffets "the thousand calorie download" because I'm pretty sure you'd be hard-pressed to find a place where you could wolf down more calories in less time, barring some fast food joints of course.

Oh and we ATE till we hurt.

And we hurt the next day too.

I have to wonder how many of those calories were actually absorbed since my whole meal plus half my intestines and maybe even my appendix escaped out the back of me by noon the next day. I was literally in awe. Hey, if you want to do one of those 'colon cleanses' then perhaps this restaurant is for you. There was seriously about an hour there where my butt was married to the toilet bowl, indefinitely. It was rude. Which is why I had to bring it up on this blog of course, haha.

Yeah whatever.

Here's where my healthy, good bacteria colonized gut saved me. My friend called a couple of days later and said, "uh, how were you feeling yesterday?" I knew exactly what he was referring to so I gave an appropriate description to the world-of-turmoil my intestinal tract had experienced the morning before. He proceeded to tell me that my hour of excrutiation constituted his WHOLE DAY. He couldn't keep anything down. He had cramps. He was at the mercy of the latrine, a jester at the porcelain throne, a hooker to the john... THE WHOLE DAY. And the worst part -- he had a date that night!!!! The poor guy. The details of this he mostly left out, except to say that the call of nature occured on his way to pick her up. He couldn't exactly open the chutes at her house, so he stopped at Walmart and the washroom there had no toilet paper! At this point he had to leave his stall, buy some toilet paper and return to finish his business! I had a pretty good chuckle at his expense, I must say.

The only thing I can figure is that all the healthy bacteria in my gut prevented the bad ones from doing much damage. They ameliorated my diarrhea by "stimulation of the immune system, competition for binding sites on intestinal epithelial cells and elaboration of bacteriocins." (Source: Probiotics in the Treatment of Infectious Diarrhea). Booyah to the little buggers! Now excuse me while I chow down on some yogourt, bananas and barley.

Hmm... I get a feeling that if I ever wrote a column about nutrition, it would be a little less than conventional. But it would get the point across.

Hilarious First Dance

Too bad I sucked at the hip hop lessons... Because this is so cool! Not that I'm planning on having a "first dance" anytime soon. Ahem.

Although I have to agree with Jensies who said, "I kinda want to do that at my wedding if I can still move without breaking a hip." Truer words were never spoken, my friend.

Love the little critters

I love animals... And NOT with BBQ sauce on them! That's why this slideshow makes me happy. HSUS is no PETA, they might actually be making a difference! Yay!

See: Celebrating Animals