Well, it’s back to regular life (or as regular as my life gets)… and it’s high time to get rid of that “holiday paunch”… I think I’ll try the starvation diet for a while. I’ve heard that it really works. Of course I’ll shed that nasty paunch just in time to reconstruct it during the Christmas holiday feeding frenzy. Dammit!
There’s got to be some upside to the paunch besides just the building of it. (Disclaimer: When I use the word ‘paunch’, I’m referring to a large tummy or even spare tire but not, I repeat, NOT what some might refer to as a ‘gunt’. A gunt is a special paunch that I’ll not talk about here today.)
Anyways, the benefits of a paunch must be many fold. Why, there are SO MANY out there, it must be a swell thing to have! So let’s see…
- TV tray tummy- It’s served excellently for me as an arm rest, and you can even place drinks and your dinner plate on there. Very handy on the couch in front of the TV.
- Boob-sparing belly- Enormous abs help take some of the weight off my boobs when I’m sleeping on my front.
- The weight-bearing workout midriff- The extra paunch weight helps me burn more calories just lugging it around, and tones up the legs real nice.
- Block that genital gawk gut- It provides some privacy for the ‘private’ parts. There’s no possible way to be a peeping tom with yourself due to the large protrusion. Also, if you’re at a nude beach, it shelters you from sunburn down there.
- Pat the pot- It’s not just bald guys that can say ‘rub the buddha’. And actually, I like to pat the pot too. There’s a sense of satisfaction in it.
- Ex-gut nostalgia- In order to relive memorable moments from my past, all I have to do is look down and be reminded of guys I’ve dated.
- Insy orifice experiment- Just how deep does the belly button get when an epic paunch grows? I bet you could collect some pretty big ass lint in there. I once met a guy who said he grew crabs in there and didn’t even know it and kept re-infecting himself… eeeeeeewwwwww!
- Sexy bun-in-the-oven look– If you find preggo ladies sexy, then you’d find me damn HOT, and you don’t have to change diapers or pay child support in a few months.
- It’s all relative jelly belly- In order to make my big head look smaller, the midsection must get larger. My hips and thighs also look thinner below that hovering Homer hedge.
- Trampoline tummy- The blub tub makes a great place for children to jump up and down on. It’s hours of fun for the kiddies. What’s even more fun for me (but not so fun for the kiddies) is if the pressure of their body weight forces out a little stale air. Oopsie daisy kids. In this way I suppose my paunch is not unlike Happy Fun Ball.
- Blame it on the roll- Haven’t had a date in months? It’s the paunch, of course!!!
Hmmm. Maybe the paunch project will continue until after the Christmas holidays.
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