I missed her the moment she took her last breath.
I saw the life leave her body. I saw them take her away. But how can she be gone, just like that? One day she’s with us, the next she’s not. It doesn’t make sense.
Now it’s been two weeks… And I don’t know how to find her. I see her in photos. Songs remind me of her. I remember her smiling face, her sweet voice, her warm hands holding mine. I want to remember more, every second I was privileged to be with her. I want to relive every moment. To feel the happiness of being in her presence. To laugh as a family when she was there laughing with us.
We knew those were great moments, but now they’re so unbelievably precious.
Memories of her only make me miss her more. My heart aches to be near her. When will I get to see her again? This can’t be it. How can a heart yearn for something that will never be? It doesn’t seem real. It can’t be permanent. It can’t be possible that she’s not at home with Dad like any normal evening. It can’t be true that she won’t be there to give me a big smiling hug when I arrive and an extra long tearful hug when I have to go. It can’t be possible that she’s not there to fill every corner of that house with love.
It didn’t matter what we did together, we were together and that was enough. But it’s not lasting long enough. There’s no way to make it last long enough. I need more of her.
She's my mom. How can she just be gone? Time may eventually fade the hurt, but please don’t take away my memories of her. She can’t just fade away. My memories are the only thing I have when I miss her. And oh how I miss her so.
5 comments:
Mothers are special, Mich, but your mother was exceptional. I recall one of the bloggers commenting that their mother "over-indulged" her so that she was grown up before she realized her mother was a person. Your mother over indulged you kids with motherly love (and there can never be too much of that!), not material things or leniences. Your mother's goals were to be a good soul mate, a good wife, a good mother, and a good friend, and she had the wisdom to know that to succeed she needed to be your fierce protector when you were small, your educator as you were growing up, and your friend and supporter after you were grown up; all the while never relinguishing her role as mother. I don't believe there ever has been a mother mor proud of her children.In many ways her roles defined her, and still she was her own person, unique and identifiably individualistic. I believe the term "soul mate" need not just apply to a spouse, but all those people that we have a strong "conection" with. I believe your mother, you, and her other children are indeed soul mates and as the term suggests, there will be some type of eternal permanency to that relationship.
The house is indeed empty without her and her love, and I live daily with the pain of that, and the realization that the best times in my life have ended. But we have our memories that at present are a bizzare mixture of pleasure and pain; pleasure because of what was, and the pain of it having ended. Most of the cards I have received say the pain of the memories will wane and the pleasure remain. Let's hope so.
beautiful words mich......
in defense of me own ma, I was hardly "over-indulged". I was a middle-class city kid, and as such enjoyed the comforts that came with that lifestyle (ie no hard labour). We were not spoiled with excessive material items nor leniences. My parents were the strictest of all my friends. My not realising she was a "human" and not only a mother (ie put on earth to serve ME) was my own admitted pig-headedness and ignorance, and was not a function of "over-indulgence". Sorry to be defensive, but while Mich is reflecting on her wonderful mother, it has made me reflect on my own, and the privelege i had growing up with my mother at my side 24/7.
I do, however, appreciate that my adult relationship with her for various reasons will never be what Mich and her ma had....You are so lucky to have shared something like that with your mother Mich! I've always longed for that kind of intimacy with my mom. Just having that would be worth a lifetime of mom-hood to me. Her memory will never fade because you won't let it. And now that you've made me all mistyeyed, I have lab work to do :|
I know exactly what you mean Dad...
Also Rose, I think it's only natural when we're kids to think two things wrongly about our parents- 1) they're perfect and 2) they're sole identity is as our Mom or Dad, not individuals or people. It's just the egocentricity of being a child.
I'm glad that you're reflecting on your relationship with your mother... and for that matter, every person and everything in your life. It's important to never take anything for granted. You write about environmentalism all the time, and I think this attitude is at the very heart of it.
Phew! I think it may be time to go back to the frivolous whiney ramblings...
Sorry, Rosie. I really was generalizing from forty years of observation in family medicine and didn't mean to infer anything specific. I apologize.
I find that there seems to be extremes in todays young famiies tending to either be invisible as parents or suffocating them with whatever or themselves. I did have the pleasure of having some wonderful mothers in my practice that were truly marvelous with their children, and the children seemed happier than the run of the mill. It may have been a coincidence but they had from three to five children and seemed to feel the best thing in this world to be was a mom. They seemed "turned on" just relating and being with their kids. I think Mich's mom was one of those people.I remember when one of my boys came home from school and asked Lea if she was stupid. She asked him why he wondered about it and he said his friends moms all had jobs. She replied "No I'm not stupid. I just think it's wonderful to see you kids off to school and to be here when you kids come home. Is that OK with you?" His big smile was the only answer she needed. We would have had five children if she hadn't had a miscarriage. For years later she still felt remorse for having a miscarriage (spontaneous and nothing to do about it, of course). It's not for everyone and there are many models, but this particular model of "mom" was super special to many of us!
Its okay Al, under the circumstances, I was being a bit sensitive. You have 4 great kids, which is a real reflection on what great parents (and especially MOM) you were :)
Post a Comment