Rude Awakenings

Most awakenings are rather rude, because who wouldn’t rather sleep most days than have to get up? It gets even ruder when you look in the mirror. At least that’s the case with me, since Puff Daddy has abandoned that name for P. Diddy (or is it only Shawn Combs now?) I’m going to claim the name Puffy or Puff Mama. Some days I stumble into the washroom and look in the mirror and almost fall over. You’d think that doing it every day would reduce my shock but it doesn’t. Someone must rough me up while I’m sleeping, and I don’t mean in a good way.

Then there are the rude awakenings that not only wake you up prematurely, but do so in a rude manner. Some examples of these would be having a bad dream, waking up with your face in a hairy armpit, or opening your eyes and seeing a bum or other body part extremely close up (luckily hasn’t happened to me since I was a kid).

My rude awakenings often include some kind of antics by one of my cats. For instance, a fairly common but revolting way to get woken up is by the sound of a cat puking. The other night my cat was right by my head and I heard that prepuking noise and thought she was going to hurl right on my face!!! I flipped out and she ended up running and throwing up on the carpet by the bedroom door. Another time Flo left some chicken bones on the counter, and one of the cats must have found the bones and dragged them into my room and was rabidly chewing and crunching and slurping right beside my bed at 5am. Then there was the time something startled the cat that was sleeping soundly on my belly. She sprung from belly to face, sprung off there and across the night table and into the closet. Ouch. I was startled once again that morning when I looked in the mirror.

I’ve also been woken up by farts. Sometimes you’re sleeping with a new person (boyfriend or friend) and somehow a fart gets out in the night and shocks you into consciousness. This is ultimate humiliation because you lie there wondering if the other person heard it and if they’re pretending to sleep through it to avoid the embarrassing moment. I mean, if it was loud enough to wake you up then it could have woken up the other person, right? What’s worse is when a fart wakes you up… but not the sound of it, the SMELL. I have never experienced this one, thank God. I have heard of it being grounds for divorce though.

Well, I’m going to bed early. I’d like to wake up refreshed, by my alarm, after a solid night’s sleep. Could happen!