Blog Break

Hey Folks! I'm off to a conference for a few days here and may not have access to the internet...

There will definitely be another post by this time next weekend!!!

Cheers.

michie

Stunt Girl Jeans

Hoofin’ it to school on Monday I totally tripped on the sidewalk. I went DOWN. It was almost exactly like how I’d bit it a couple of months ago, but that time was on ice. I had no excuse this time.

Curiously, I scraped my knee but my jeans remained intact.

The thing is that normally I freak about wiping out and potentially ruining my clothes. However, I actually wouldn’t have minded roughing up my jeans a little. You see, that’s the style nowadays. For some reason, people think ripped jeans are cool. They BUY them already ripped. So not only would I look cooler, but I’d have this kickass story to go with it.

Ok, so tripping on the sidewalk isn’t very kickass. It’s actually really embarrassing! Oh well, it was just a thought.

Way back when ripped jeans were in style before, it looked better. It appeared that you actually wore out your jeans. Nowadays it’s just random and looks like you dropped way too much cash on tacky-looking damaged goods. It’s like trying to “buy your cool.” Back in ‘94 I had an old pair of baggy men’s Levi’s that were ripped from true wear and tear. At the time I thought they were pretty rad, but there were a lot of styles in the early ‘90s that I thought looked great at the time. Haha, NOT.

I guess the latest cool thing is jeans that someone has used as target practice with a shotgun. They’re full of holes and the pattern of each is unique. Interesting…

Now, if you could make jeans look like you actually ruined them doing something cool then you’d have something worth wearing with pride. So I got a brainwave, wait for it… What about jeans that someone has worn taking a tumble and totally roughed up? Like, maybe if they did a few somersaults down a hill and into some rocks. Of course, I’d have to get the gravel and bloodstains out. Or maybe that would be cool too… Hmm, the ideas are just flowin’ here!!!

One problem, I’d be in a wheelchair before I made my first mill.

Wait, what about jeans that real stunt girls have worn? Forget dorky Mich and her clutzomania… These would be denim roughed up by chicks who kick serious ass on screen. Each fall would have it’s own unique tear pattern, plus the jeans would have a genuine history, all caught on film! You could brag, “Yeah these are the jeans that so and so wore when she fell out of that plane, landed on the train, got into a tussle with so and so for a bit, was drop-kicked between train cars, fell underneath and got run over several times before she dusted herself off and lived happily ever after.”

I’d call them Stunt Girl Jeans. It’s catchy. And cool.

Wait a second… In Stunt Girl Jeans you’d still be buying your cool. Hmm, maybe some people just have to buy it? As for me, I’m going to make some genuine cool in my jeans and try not to kill myself in the meantime. Hopefully there won’t be too many people laughing on the sidelines…

Puppetry of the Penis

So the other day I was talking about men’s dangling parts and how weird that would be.

You know what’s weirder? Genital Origami. Yes indeed… Puppetry of the Penis is coming to a city near you!!! This might be too bizarre to watch. Maybe I’ll go. After all, us girls don’t get to see dick every day (unless you live with one, hehe). So maybe this will be our chance!!! I’ve heard it’s pretty entertaining, though it would be tough to get more comical than male strippers.

Genital Origami eh? I probably won’t ever look at another Johnson the same way again after that.

And all you boys, if you’ve always wanted to be in show biz, you may want to try your hand, uh, I mean weenie at genital origami… They’re taking auditions!!!

That’s right, the show’s creators, Simon Morley and David Friend, hold regular auditions for new penis puppeteers…

Check it:
The demand for this outrageous show is such that Simon and Friendy are now in search of more like-minded gentleman who possess a unique combination of natural talent and a complete lack of shame to help satisfy the world's thirst for the show. The vision is to expand and franchise Puppetry of the Penis in a similar fashion to the world famous 'Tap Dogs' (who also hail from Australia) and 'STOMP'.The producer and artists are asking that penis puppeteers come to the auditions with a flexible working attitude and be ready to demonstrate their own genital installations. Puppetry of the Penis is an equal opportunity employer and will audition both circumcised and uncircumcised genital origami hopefuls. Bilingual practitioners of the art are also encouraged to attend.Email us your contact details.

Could you imagine? You'd have to be pretty hard up to quit your job to play with your pecker. And how do you tell people what you do for a living?

"What do you do?"
"Uh… I’m a penis puppeteer, uh practioner... err, I marionette my member..."

What would you put on your resume?

Too funny.

Also, who are the judges for these auditions? Can I be a judge? Please please! How can I qualify? Oh man, it would crack me up to see a steady stream of shaft contortionists.

So what if a guy hasn’t seen the show and wants to audition? How in the hell is he supposed to know what to do with his weewee? I’d like to see someone try puppeteering his penis without any kind of instruction. They do suggest that men be ready to demonstrate their own genital installations… Practice in the mirror boys!

The mental pictures. Guys already spend an inordinate amount of time with their tools... This would definitely be a LOT more jammin’ with junior.

Hmmm. I’m sure the auditions would range from the tallywacker-talented to the William Hung of schlong showoffs. William Hung! His name would suggest that he’s probably more suited to penis puppetry than pop music. And I love how they say equal opportunity employer. How does THAT work?

Maybe size doesn’t matter after all, it’s what you do with it that counts! I never thought that included PUPPETRY...

Officially Losin' It

Deneen is gone. I’m sad. The place is empty. And I have way too much time with my own thoughts right now.

I biked to school for most of the winter, and now my bike tire is flat and I’m riding the bus or walking. Ironic.

Yesterday on the bus this weird black-haired lady with an extreme mullet and black trench coat stared at me unflinchingly from behind her black sunglasses. C’mon, if you’re going to stare, at least make it look like you’re not looking. Fricken’ bizarre.

The other day on a local patio, I saw a guy with two pig-tails exactly how I wear them (or as my niece calls them: “mich-tails”).. Yes, it was a GUY. I always wondered if it was too little girly for me, let alone a GUY? Weird.

I NEVER thought I’d say this but I’m actually getting sick of chocolate. I’d rather just have sex instead right now if you can believe it. (Dad, you never read that. I’m joking of course!!! Uh, except for the chocolate part. And the sex part. Yeah.) Truthfully though, the chocolate consumption has been unfulfilling. The only thing it has been filling is the posterior of my pants. Krike.

Every time I touch anything on the bus, I think of the guy I saw picking his nose and flicking it that time. Ewww. I seriously came close to ralphing.

I keep running into this guy I know EVERYWHERE. It’s strange how you see some people all the time and others almost never. Coincidence? I used to argue that nothing is coincidence. But then I also wonder… if there are no coincidences, then WTF is going on?!?!?

I just saw that guy again just now in QUAD. I was going to go up and say hi, but at what point will he start to wonder if I’m stalking him? I don’t wanna be THAT girl.

I have to get a poster done for a conference in a few days. It’s not ready yet. My stress level is about to increase about 50 fold. If my blogs get progressively weirder (as if that’s possible) then you’ll know why.

My friend Rose is doing her competency exams right now. Her first essay is on helminth infection. Helminth, now that’s a weird word.

I heard that Franz Ferdinand took in a few brews at the Black Dog the day before their concert last night. Ah the good ol’ Dog. That’s where I did Jager shooters with Dexter from The Offspring way back when (thanks to my friend Lisa who worked there). He’s way nicer than he seems in the videos. He’s pretty fly for a white guy. Ok, I can’t believe I just used that line…

Summertime. Patios. The Black Dog patio is still the best for ducking out early on a hot sunny afternoon and taking in a brew, or two, or six. Oopsie daisy, there goes the next morning!

People continue to change my name to Mitch. I’m not mad or anything but it just astounds me. Whether it’s email, this blog or otherwise, people not only think I’m a guy, but they think I spell my own name wrong… ALL THE TIME. Ok then. Bring it. I can take it.

It’s 22 degrees today and I’m finally donning the flipflops. C’mon kids, it’s not practical to wear sandals at +12 (unless you're Nate and wear them year round with wool socks). I’ve seen chicks standing there in the cold in a skirt and sandals, shivering like a flasher at the Arctic Circle (hehe, thanks Google). Truly bizarre man.

Speaking of sandals, I used to be self-conscious about what type of sandal I wore due to the obscene length of my 2^nd and 3^rd toes (you know, the little piggy that stayed home and the one that ate roast beef). My brother always said that if I lost a finger I’d be ok. Anyways, now I don’t really care because I realized that there’s no such thing as NORMAL-looking when it comes to feet. They’re ALL bizarre-looking, period.

I did tequila shots for the first time in a long time on Saturday night on my friend’s 30^th birthday. I actually felt ok in the morning. Gin + tequila is my new combo. I think adding beer to that is when you start causing some serious internal combustion… so I shall avoid that. It’s just asking for T-R-O-U-B-L-E. Uh, not like gin + tequila doesn’t = Trouble. Hmmm… Reconsideration of my brain constipation situation (ok, so once in a while I pull out my Cajun man impersonation. Sorry.)

Funky Pickle pizza remains the best hangover buster ever. I’d quit it for a long time but had it again for the first time the other night. Oh how I love having things again for the first time. Uh, anyways this wasn’t the tequila night… This was the night of many beers. So I know the treatment is effective under those experimental conditions. It was also the night of me resisting that young hottie Delongo. I must be off my rocker. Or am I subconsciously on it, unbeknownst to me, rocking and knitting?

When I think about it, I still can't believe that Flo ate 18 chicken wings after the bar that time. No typo there... 18.

Who invented the double tap system? And who was the rocket scientist who said, HEY, I have an idea!!! Let’s put the two taps together and mix the hot and cold so we don’t BURN, FREEZE, BURN and FREEZE our hands trying to rinse the soap off! I burn my hands every fricken’ time.

Getting Smaller by NIN is my new fave song to bike to. Love it. Love the lyrics. Gets the blood pumpin’. Somehow my ass ain’t getting any smaller with all the biking. I know I’m really toned under the fat though. That’s gotta be worth sumthin.

I just found out that there are a couple of huge rock festivals going on in Europe when I’m there. I’ll be with my mom… Somehow I can’t see her rockin’ out to Tool or Metallica. Maybe she should let me dress her up as a punker. She couldn’t look much older at this thing than I do at Vans Warped Tour surrounded by 14 year olds.

Hmmm, talking about flipflops made me think of Flinflon for some reason. What is Flinflon? Is it a place? If so, I like the name. I like it a lot. I wish I lived there and my name started with ‘F’. Then I could say, “Hi, I’m Fiona Finkel from Flinflon.”

Why is “judgment” spelt without a ‘e’ but “acknowledgement” is spelt with an ‘e’? And I still don’t know if spelt is a word… I think it’s the past tense of spell, but then when do you say spelt and when do you say spelled?

I did a ‘to do list’ last night so I’d remember what I had to do today. I forgot the list at home this morning…

Now that Deneen is gone, I’ll probably dance around the apartment more. Burping really loud won’t get the desired reaction it does avec roomie though. Bummer. And it’s hard to play practical jokes on the cats. Although hiding around the corner and scaring them is still funny.

Yup, it's confirmed. I'm officially LOSIN' IT.

Writing by Google

I don't think I could be a standup comic. This is partly because sometimes I'm not very quick-witted, especially in front of potentially hardcore hecklers.

This is why I write. On a blog there may indeed be hecklers, but I can think a while on it.

Writing is very CONTRIVED. I can manipulate and massage the words so that they are as dull or as colourful as I want (or I can try).

Metaphors definitely add colour. A metaphor is "a figure of speech in which an expression is used to refer to something that it does not literally denote in order to suggest a similarity." Wait, what's the difference between a metaphor and an analogy? An analogy is a "similarity in some respects between things that are otherwise dissimilar." Oh geez, I'm confused. Ok so I'm no English whiz...

My point is this... one time I had to Roast this guy. I wrote my introduction somehwhat humourously so that my introducer could "warm up" the crowd for me. Here's what he said:

Our first speaker is one who keeps people on the edge of their seats. What happens is many of them doze off & slide forward. Tonight, Mich will be doing The Roast... and when she found out that there was actually a speech where one of the main goals was to "poke fun at a particular individual," she was all over it like _______________…

I got the first lines out of a Humorous Toasts/Roasts book. It was too classic to pass up. I couldn't think of anything for the last part. I always used to say, "She was all over it like a fat kid on a smartie." I wanted something original though. To get the creative juices flowing, I plugged "all over it like" into Google and checked out what came up. There were some pretty funny ones:

She was all over it like…

- Stink on a monkey

- White on rice

- A fat kid on a smartie

- A pitbull on a poodle

- Flies on shit

- Whipped topping on the Varsity Blues cheerleader

- Brown on a Philipino

- A hobo on a ham sammich

- A rash

- A horny housecat

- Ants at a picnic

- Ugly on an ape

Those aren’t bad. My penchant for monkeys makes that one extra funny. “Flies on shit” just wouldn’t fly with that crowd. Here were my creations:

She was all over it like…

- A pitbull on the postman (similar to the poodle but with a different twist)

- Shit on toilet paper

- Pricks on a porcupine

- Tattoos on a punk rocker

- Dimples on a golf ball

I ended up using "She was all over it like a pitbull on the postman!"

So if you ever need to fill in a blank, plug the first part of the phrase into Google and get the creative juices flowing! Of course you can always copy your findings, but sometimes just a kickstart is needed.

I wish there was an instant Google in my head. Googlehead. And a 'backspace' key. 'Delete' would be handy too, that is, if you could choose what to delete. Although I think someone presses a 'delete' key on my head once in a while when I'm not looking. Now where did I put my keys? Damn that delete!!!

Dangling Participles

Deneen and I were chatting on one of our walks.

It was sooo nice out and there were runners and cyclists everywhere.

She turned to me and said, “Wouldn’t it feel weird to be a guy and have those 'parts' dangling around outside your body?”

Definitely. Wouldn’t they always get in the way?

We discussed certain types of underwear and how it might help control the 'flipflop' down there, but we agreed that it would just be weird to have all the dangling.

And cycling? Doesn’t the junk get in the way? There would definitely be some awkward situations…

But then they’d probably think that having two blobs of fat hanging on the chest would feel weird too. When I was a young girl I couldn’t fathom that either. I didn’t want them. I wondered if I’d ever get to sleep on my stomach after I got them.

Deneen thought that if guys had boobs they'd just play with them all day.

But are your own body parts that compelling?

What about lesbians? They like boobs and they don’t spend all day playing with their own boobs... do they? I mean, a hot-lookin’ straight girl may check herself out in the mirror naked and say, "Yep, I suppose I look alright."

…But a hot lesbian? Maybe she looks in the mirror and says:

"Lookin’ good… I’d do me."

Rappin' and Researchin'?

I put the rap on today… Doing spreadsheets is pretty boring and I usually need to rock out to tunes to keep me from passing out from sheer boredom.

However, after a couple of hours of listening to the "Hot Hip-Hop" station on Icebergradio.com, I figured I should probably change the station. I mean, some rap is cool to drive to, dance to and even watch skiing/boarding videos to, but at the office/lab it doesn’t work so well. Every other word is ni**er, motherf**ker and rappin’ about how the b**chs and hos should get in line and serve their almighty pimp kings.

Besides, I don’t wanna get caught workin' it out on my breakdance routine when I should simply be, uh, workin'.

Ugh.

Rate your Rear

Oh man. I just read an article about this scientist that says he's found the formula for the ideal, uh, BUTT. I first heard about it on Sonic… I guess this scientist’s name is Dr. David Holmes and he claims to have found a mathematical equation for the perfect behind. I don’t really care to have anyone CALCULATE how bad my ass is… But, I guess I’m staying indoors this summer!!! Which I was going to anyways, sitting on my badly contained jelly for hours and days on end writing my thesis, guaranteeing that it gets flattened into a cheese slice!

Anyways, if you’re curious, the formula is ... ((S+C) x (B + F))/(T-V)

Where:

S = overall shape

C = circularity or spherical buttocks

B = bounce factor

F = touch firmness

V = vertical ratio

T = skin texture

OVERALL SHAPE: Which best describes your bum?

A trodden-on doughnut - 1

A pear dropped from a great height - 2

Rounded but dimpled, making it look square - 3

Big but more narrow than high - 4

A small peach shape - 5

CIRCULARITY: Which of these represents your bum?

Square as a cheese slice - 1

Like an egg is round - 2

More pear shaped - 3

Pair of pink grapefruits - 4

BOUNCE: How resilient is your bum?

Nothing can stop this badly contained jelly - 1

Wobbles for 30 seconds after one flick - 2

Cheeks don't meet when I walk - 3

Only bounce during sex – 4

During aerobics, doesn't even quiver - 5

TOUCH FIRMNESS: Which best describes your bum firmness to the touch?

Could lose a hand in here - 1

Makes a dimple if pressed - 2

Can't press in a centimetre - 3

Latex-coated cricket ball - 4

VERTICAL RATIO: Select nearest to your ratio.

Like a traffic cone - 4

Bigger at the bottom - 3

Symmetrical both ways - 2

Like a pert pair of breasts - 1

SKIN TEXTURE: How is your bum complexion?

Cellulite, spots, orange peel -- you name it! - 4

Dimpling on underside - 3

Spotty but no dimpling - 2

Like a baby's - 1

HOW DID MY BUM SCORE?

Perfection! - 80

Reach for the beach! - 60

Exercise! Diet! Hope! - 40

Keep your clothes on! - 20

Stay indoors! – 0

The MUMPS

Did anyone hear about this:

Iowa Mumps Patients May Have Spread Disease to Air Travelers

NEW YORK (Reuters Health) Apr 13 - Two persons identified by the Iowa Department of Public Health as having mumps may have transmitted the disease to travelers on nine different commercial flights, investigators note in the April 14th issue of the Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report.

In December 2005, a large outbreak of mumps began in Iowa, and 515 possible cases have been reported during 2006 as of April 10th. Officials are currently investigating whether this outbreak influenced mumps activity in neighboring states, including Illinois, Kansas, Minnesota, Missouri, Nebraska, and Wisconsin.

Holy, I haven’t heard about the mumps in forever! That’s a funny word: MUMPS. I like funny words.

I remember as a kid my little brother got the mumps and his throat and face swelled up so much that he looked fricken hilarious! I seriously could NOT look at him without laughing! That poor kid.

I think I know why, when he got big enough, he beat the livin' crap out of me.

System of an Up

Adaptation. Humans can adapt to anything if it’s introduced slow enough. Whether it’s a person, a few extra pounds, or Liberal corruption… bring it on slowly and we all adapt. When something is ripped away suddenly, however, we get a little freaked out. The few extra pounds or Liberal corruption may come out like a rotten tooth (the process was long and tough but had to be done, and like someone pointed out, eventually you’re glad the pain is gone). Getting used to suddenly not talking to or seeing someone every day can be a bit more of an adjustment.

I’ve figured out that the way to get over someone isn’t by listening to the sappy songs of the All-American Rejects or the Armchair Cynics… And it’s definitely not by listening to the Fall Out Boy album that you bought around the same time you met him and listened to almost every day since.

Nope.

You need to listen to something hard and fast, like System of a Down. Yeah, that’s been working. On the plus side, it’s also great to bike to. With my headphones blaring, I’ll be watching out for trains though, don’t worry.

Oh, except you might want to skip that song about the loneliest day of my life.

I’ve also been listening to NOFX. I mean with songs like ‘Can't get the stink out’, ‘I gotta pee’, ‘Clams have feelings too’, ‘Hot dog in a hallway’, ‘You're bleeding’, ‘You drink, you drive, you spill’ and ‘You put your chocolate in my peanut butter’...

... Really, how can you wallow in self pity rockin’ out to those gems?