Thantophobia

A phobia is defined as “a persistent, irrational, intense fear of a specific object, activity or situation (the phobic stimulus), fear that is recognised as being excessive or unreasonable by the individual himself.”

I definitely have thantophobia. And although I recognize my fear of death/dying as being somewhat excessive, persistent and intense; I don’t think it’s irrational or unreasonable.

Let me explain, err, clarify.

I’m not afraid of the dying itself, per se, though I’m a bit afraid of being maimed first and then suffering... But more to the point, it’s the method of my demise that I’m more worried about. Will I die in some asinine way or worse, be featured for some Darwin award? Further, if the dying somehow matches the way a person lived, in any way, shape or form (i.e. goofball), then I could be in big shit. Take, for instance, that guy who was found holding his member because he was trying to do that suffocation/masturbation thing. That would really suck. Uh, please note, that was purely hypothetical, just to make a point... Ahem... Of course I don’t need to worry about that one! Geez. But I do worry that I might soil myself in a car accident, be found wearing my ugliest underwear, or the one that most frequently goes through my head: dying in the shower. This fear is particularly intense because these crazy visions appear in my mind of me slipping while I’m trying to wash one foot, smacking my head on the edge and dying naked and spread-eagled on the bottom of the tub. I almost get panic attacks thinking of this when I’m showering at my parents’ house, where inevitably my dad would come rushing in and see me at my most vulnerable. Not pretty, not pretty at all.

Adding insult to injury would be the mess I’ve left for people to clean up after I croak. I used to have a pact with an old roommate that if I died, she’d come in and confiscate any incriminating property of mine. This includes such things at my personal journals and naked photos, but most importantly, my extensive BOB collection. I can’t have my mother seeing that and thinking I’m a freakshow beyond what they'd already imagined!!! I think they’d take back the old ‘seeing the real me and loving me anyways’ bit faster than they could say “What in God’s name?”

Perhaps it’s not thantophobia I’m dealing with here, but catagelophobia (fear of being ridiculed)... especially when I’m not alive to defend myself.

Or perhaps I wouldn’t really care, seeing as how I’d be dead.