ANTI- Roll-Up-The-Rim-To-Win

It’s Roll-Up-The-Rim To Win (RUTRTW) time at Tim Hortons (oh man, it’s tough to write that without an apostrophe). This is the time when non-garbage sifters jump into dumpsters to search for the treasure: empty, unrollen TH cups… the ultimate find. It’s also when the non-coffee drinkers succumb to the pressure and flock along with the junkies to Timmy Ho’s. It’s true that thousands of these TH teetotallers get addicted to the Black Death every year at this time (thus adding TH addiction to their existing gambling problem). I’m sure that’s part of the TH corporation’s plot, pretty ingenious actually. Especially since it’s always been my suspicion that they put some sort of addictive substance in their coffee, as if the caffeine vice wasn’t enough for our sleep-deprived society…

Here’s part of a conversation I had with a friend of mine on this topic of the suspected added substance:

Ross: I just had a Tim Hortons coffee and I'm feeling pretty wired, I think you are right - they must be putting something else in that stuff. I'm thinking I should go buy a large coffee, concentrate it, and run it through our GCMS or LCMS and see what shows up... maybe we can write a paper / file a class-action law suit... that's probably ALL you need right now.

Mich: Controversy in research... I like it! However, you realize we could never publish. If the results showed that there was indeed an addictive substance in the TH coffees that had to be removed, we would have to go into the witness protection program! Our lives would be in danger from both TH and the masses of people going through extreme withdrawal symptoms. This is sure to include tremors, debilitating headaches, mood swings and violence... A bad combo for our personal safety.

Ross: I think you're right about needing to be relocated, the masses would mount against us, but if the price for this type of information was right… I hear that the Virgin Islands are nice this time of year. Maybe just a simple blackmail would do.

Anyways, the other day on the ski trip, for the first time in forever, I had a TH coffee. I forgot to bring my travel mug and well, I was outnumbered as to where to stop and didn’t protest since I had TH gift certificates on me! I’d gotten them for Xmas (for some reason… whatever, I’ll takem) and this was the perfect opportunity to be a big spender and treat my fellow ski-trippers to a coffee in the spirit of generosity (all 3 bucks worth). In the past, I just didn’t like Tim’s. It gagged me. It was strong enough but tasted weird to me. However, on this occasion, my medium-double-double was just sweet and creamy enough to cover up the weird taste and it was actually drinkable! I got nothing on the RUTRTW though. Dammit!

I’m so ANTI-RUTRTW I can’t even believe it. Uh, if I’d won a TV though, I wouldn’t send it back!!! Ahem. Actually I think it encourages wastefulness. I totally agree with Rose on this issue (see Roll up the opportunistic greed). I mean, can you believe how idiotic that fight over the car is??? Holy schnikes!!!

In fact, I’ve been known to buy a $30 travel mug in order to avoid the dreaded paper cup (DPC). And I hate it when coffee places automatically give you the DPC, unless you specify, “It’s to STAY please!” I’ll have a hissy fit in the place if I’ve had a momentary brain fart and forgotten to mention it and therefore end up with the fricken DPC.

So today I didn’t have my travel mug on me after my meeting across campus with my supervisor. I had two choices on my way back… go to Java Jive (sketchy coffee sometimes and no RUTRTW) or Tim’s. There was no doubt I would need a coffee to prevent head-bobbing in my seminar later. I was going to have to do the DPC anyways so I made the fateful decision… I shyly entered the building where TH is and eyed up the huge line. After fighting the urge to bolt, I timidly approached the Tim’s kiosk… looked both ways, and hesitantly got in line. I hoped no one I knew would see me there as I sheepishly ordered a medium-double-double, my second one in days.

At least it would be fresh.

I was aware as I headed back to my office, with my TH RUTRTW DPC in hand, that this was a rare event. I swiftly made my way up the stairs and to my desk. The coffee was ok, too creamy actually, but drinkable. I found I was unskilled at drinking from the paper cup with the plastic part peeled back and fought with that for a bit. Following a mostly successful consumption, I even let it sit there for a second before I rolled it up.

PLEASE PLAY AGAIN.

How anti-climactic.

I doubt that I will, though, thanks. I definitely Timmy Ho'ed myself out for that one.