EDMONTON, AB— A local nun has voluntarily returned home after "failing miserably at a year-long experiment with dating", she admitted Monday.
A little-known Abbey in rural Alberta is where Sister Michelin spent a good part of her life. One day, out of the blue, she disappeared. A note explaining her aspirations "to find out what the big deal is about dating, relationships and hopefully, love" was found on the pillow in her residence. That was almost one year ago today.
"The escape caught us totally by surprise," said Sister Mary-Jane, a fellow nun at the convent who speculated on the disappearance of Sister Michelin so many months ago. "She seemed happy here. Besides a couple of altercations, she was a polite, respectful girl. I don't know much about the alleged altercations, but word around these parts was that one of the Abbots walked in on her in the brewhouse drinking beer straight out of the taps. She was doggone drunk by the time they got to her and pulled her off them. Oh, and another time she was caught gambling in the friar house, I don't know much about it but the phrase Texas Holdem was thrown around by a few of the older nuns. Goodness gracious, she almost got kicked out for that one."
"We thought we'd never see Sister Michelin again," commented Abbot Richard, "We were sure she'd either enjoy herself too much to come home, or that something horrible would happen to her like getting married and having a bunch of kids. As it turns out, perhaps something much worse happened and that's why she's back. Whatever it was, it must have scared the good graces out of her." Recalling her behaviour since returning to the convent Abbot Joseph said, "She acted very strange indeed... Stranger than before, that is." He continued after a long pause, "Unfortunately, she won't talk about it to anyone here except to shake her head and mutter things under her breath. All I could make out was something about birds." When asked to be more specific, the Abbot thought hard for a second and said, "I thought it was weird but I could have sworn she said 'that feather cluckin hen with a wish' and 'what a rock chucking cow bird'… Yeah, that was it, I may be half deaf but that's what I heard."
When asked to comment on her experiences, the now reformed nun admits to escaping in an attempt to experience the love of a man. "Harlequin Romance novels and all those Hollywood movies with their happy endings made it all seem so wonderful," she admitted. When asked if she had found love, she went quiet again. Luckily, we were able to slip her a couple sips of "communion wine" to encourage a more open dialogue.
What we saw and heard next was like something out of a movie. That is, the type of movie where you laugh, cry and then it ends really badly. It could only be described as a rambling rant with Jerry Springer show style profanity and over-the-top antics. Chairs were thrown and all the male staff had to be escorted out of the room. The sister concluded her rant saying that Harlequin and Hollywood was just a "huge [profanity] sham and that Penthouse Forum or Girl's Gone Wild was more like what men expect when dating."
After the interview Sister Michelin's eye twitched a little and then she scampered back to her quarters. Her final comment to our staff? "At least I don't have to ride that rollercoaster anymore. My back went out at about month six and I always felt an overwhelming need to throw up."
In an effort to get some perspective, we interviewed a couple of the people Meesh had met and befriended over the past year. An overprotective buddy, Lenny Hambert, had only one thing to say, "It was totally whacksauce! There were many times when I offered to go and get my crotch-kicking boots!" Reese Alivitt, another friend who commiserated with Meesh on several occasions about the trials and tribulations of dating had this to say, "Perhaps they just 'weren't into her'… I just read that book, and did you know that 'busy' is another word for 'asshole'? She sure wasted 'the pretty' on those losers!" A male friend, Nathaniel 'Dancin Baby' Sinklair said, "Meesh? I'd put the blocks to her if given the chance! But seriously, those guys were all nerds, knobs or players… Sorry Meesh, that's just my opinion."
There was a consistent theme to all of her friend's comments: Meesh was a sucker for punishment. It seems that even her father was vehemently opposed to her approach to dating, admitting that he gave her this advice, "You're trading sex for 'crap'. Bad trade kid, better start trading 'up'. I'm certainly not suggesting one be mercenary about this, but there is lots of room between these two extremes." He didn't mention how well that advice went over.
Oddly enough, when we tried to contact any of her former dates from the past year, they were 'unavailable.' Never in journalism have we met with such resistance. Several didn't show up at their scheduled interviews and then failed to return our calls, texts and emails. This is even after repeatedly reassuring them that this wasn't serious and we weren't asking for a major commitment on their part. It was not uncommon for them to end a phone call with "I'll call you later" or by asking "are you free on Tuesday afternoon?" Sure enough, we had one staff member make sure that she was by the phone all week and we didn't receive any calls. We even contacted the phone company to confirm that there was nothing wrong with the line. In the end, that was the last we heard from any of them. We figured that they either lost our number, their cell phones had fallen into the toilet or they were simply just 'very very busy'.
Very strange indeed.
A little-known Abbey in rural Alberta is where Sister Michelin spent a good part of her life. One day, out of the blue, she disappeared. A note explaining her aspirations "to find out what the big deal is about dating, relationships and hopefully, love" was found on the pillow in her residence. That was almost one year ago today.
"The escape caught us totally by surprise," said Sister Mary-Jane, a fellow nun at the convent who speculated on the disappearance of Sister Michelin so many months ago. "She seemed happy here. Besides a couple of altercations, she was a polite, respectful girl. I don't know much about the alleged altercations, but word around these parts was that one of the Abbots walked in on her in the brewhouse drinking beer straight out of the taps. She was doggone drunk by the time they got to her and pulled her off them. Oh, and another time she was caught gambling in the friar house, I don't know much about it but the phrase Texas Holdem was thrown around by a few of the older nuns. Goodness gracious, she almost got kicked out for that one.""We thought we'd never see Sister Michelin again," commented Abbot Richard, "We were sure she'd either enjoy herself too much to come home, or that something horrible would happen to her like getting married and having a bunch of kids. As it turns out, perhaps something much worse happened and that's why she's back. Whatever it was, it must have scared the good graces out of her." Recalling her behaviour since returning to the convent Abbot Joseph said, "She acted very strange indeed... Stranger than before, that is." He continued after a long pause, "Unfortunately, she won't talk about it to anyone here except to shake her head and mutter things under her breath. All I could make out was something about birds." When asked to be more specific, the Abbot thought hard for a second and said, "I thought it was weird but I could have sworn she said 'that feather cluckin hen with a wish' and 'what a rock chucking cow bird'… Yeah, that was it, I may be half deaf but that's what I heard."
When asked to comment on her experiences, the now reformed nun admits to escaping in an attempt to experience the love of a man. "Harlequin Romance novels and all those Hollywood movies with their happy endings made it all seem so wonderful," she admitted. When asked if she had found love, she went quiet again. Luckily, we were able to slip her a couple sips of "communion wine" to encourage a more open dialogue.
What we saw and heard next was like something out of a movie. That is, the type of movie where you laugh, cry and then it ends really badly. It could only be described as a rambling rant with Jerry Springer show style profanity and over-the-top antics. Chairs were thrown and all the male staff had to be escorted out of the room. The sister concluded her rant saying that Harlequin and Hollywood was just a "huge [profanity] sham and that Penthouse Forum or Girl's Gone Wild was more like what men expect when dating."
After the interview Sister Michelin's eye twitched a little and then she scampered back to her quarters. Her final comment to our staff? "At least I don't have to ride that rollercoaster anymore. My back went out at about month six and I always felt an overwhelming need to throw up."
In an effort to get some perspective, we interviewed a couple of the people Meesh had met and befriended over the past year. An overprotective buddy, Lenny Hambert, had only one thing to say, "It was totally whacksauce! There were many times when I offered to go and get my crotch-kicking boots!" Reese Alivitt, another friend who commiserated with Meesh on several occasions about the trials and tribulations of dating had this to say, "Perhaps they just 'weren't into her'… I just read that book, and did you know that 'busy' is another word for 'asshole'? She sure wasted 'the pretty' on those losers!" A male friend, Nathaniel 'Dancin Baby' Sinklair said, "Meesh? I'd put the blocks to her if given the chance! But seriously, those guys were all nerds, knobs or players… Sorry Meesh, that's just my opinion."
There was a consistent theme to all of her friend's comments: Meesh was a sucker for punishment. It seems that even her father was vehemently opposed to her approach to dating, admitting that he gave her this advice, "You're trading sex for 'crap'. Bad trade kid, better start trading 'up'. I'm certainly not suggesting one be mercenary about this, but there is lots of room between these two extremes." He didn't mention how well that advice went over.
Oddly enough, when we tried to contact any of her former dates from the past year, they were 'unavailable.' Never in journalism have we met with such resistance. Several didn't show up at their scheduled interviews and then failed to return our calls, texts and emails. This is even after repeatedly reassuring them that this wasn't serious and we weren't asking for a major commitment on their part. It was not uncommon for them to end a phone call with "I'll call you later" or by asking "are you free on Tuesday afternoon?" Sure enough, we had one staff member make sure that she was by the phone all week and we didn't receive any calls. We even contacted the phone company to confirm that there was nothing wrong with the line. In the end, that was the last we heard from any of them. We figured that they either lost our number, their cell phones had fallen into the toilet or they were simply just 'very very busy'.
Very strange indeed.
3 comments:
Thats it - I'm taking matters into my own hands! The next time I meet a man that is FUN,educated and intelligent - I'm forcing you to date with him. Notice I didn't say "good looking" because you're obviously afraid of dating the beauty equivalent of yourself. Perhaps you think the universe might explode if two hotties got together?
Did you say, "The next time I meet a man that is FUN,educated and intelligent"... hahahaha, COULD happen!
Actually that part isn't statistically impossible. Try adding in that- I have to find him attractive and he needs to be emotionally available, and there could be a problem Houston!!! hahaha. Those two could be mutual exclusivities. (...is that a word?)
It actually sounds like "Meesh" had quite an exciting year. She should have listened to her father tho. Going back to the nunnery isn't exactly trading "up".
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